End of another year...

I was re-reading my last few posts and decided that I refuse to end the year on a downer. Things are obviously still interesting at home, but I don't really want to talk about that today.

The last two days I've been thanking my lucky stars that when the opportunity came up a couple of years ago to get my dream (affordable) car that my wife let me take it. I got myself a V50 with AWD. Driving around, with TC off and without struggling the last two days when most around me were made me see that it was the right decision. (Though not the reason I got the car :) ).

Seeing as I am heading up through the Cairngorms in Scotland over the new year I decided to treat myself to winter tyres yesterday as well. The difference they make is huge! I can't reccomend them enough. The only downside is that they are noisey compared to normal tyres and I can't play in empty carparks anymore as it just drives in circles instead of drifting in circles (sorry, self-confessed petrolhead - empty carpark + snow = playground).

The scenes that we have here at the moment are just amazing! I'll see if I can post some of the shots I took yesterday from the office window. Watching the kiddies playing in the snow, looking at all of the snowmen that have been built all around and going for walks around the lake where I normally run - it's enough to make me emotional, I love it. Watching my boss get stuck three times in less than 3 car lengths nearly made me cry with laughter...

On that note I am going to sign off for the year - as I've said Christmas with Mrs Stace's family, followed by New Year and my dad's 60th on 2nd January spent in northern Scotland mean that I am not going to be able to read, or write for a couple of weeks.

Merry Christmas all! (Or for those that don't celebrate - Seasons Greetings!), and wishing you all the best for 2010!

Thankyou for helping to keep me slightly sane for the latter half of 2009!

Another week another rollacoaster

Well... This may well be the last post of the decade here...

Things are 'interesting' at home. Mrs Stace is still being great, but she is having a seriously tough time looking at her husband and seeing Stace instead - it's only been seven days and I just hope that time can do something to help her adjust. We've both cried rivers over the last week - and there are many more to come I am sure...

On that note I've decided to lay off the blog for a couple of weeks whilst I try to clear my head... I'll still be checking my mail (and answering it), and reading others blogs - but I doubt I'll be commenting on anything other than lighthearted posts as I wouldn't even know where to start at the moment. At least up until christmas - after that I am in my parents house and have no private access to the internet :)

In case I don't get a chance say it next week 'Merry Christmas and a happy new year!'

Hope you all have good ones!

Stace

Just about landed

Well I slept last night... Lights out, my head hit pillow and the next thing I knew the alarm went off. Much better than the night before...

With a couple of exceptions I'm on the up at the moment.

Mrs Stace asked 'the question' last night. My anwser made her cry (my answer being that yes I would change if I could, but I want to and try to learn to cope and stay with her rather than actually change). I feel awful about making her cry. On top of that she feels that she is holding me back, being unfair to me and stopping me being happy. I just can't see myself being happy without her. I'm sure you all know this 'rock and the hard place' issue.

The other problem is the assesment early next year. I don't know if this sounds stupid (I know I am just a paranoid person) but I an petrified that I am going to go in there, fill in the forms and answer the questions, then spend an hour with the therapist - only for them to tell me it's all in my head and to leave.

At least the ball is now rolling, Mrs Stace and I are getting back onto some degree of 'normality' (hate using that word, but can't express it better than that) and I am no longer torn apart on the inside as I was this time last week. I suppose that's progress... The fraggle is on the way back :)

Back from the doctors...

Got back from the doctors a few mins ago. It went great, she was very understanding, friendly and helpful. By the end of the consultation she asked how I was feeling and if I had relaxed a little.

I had relaxed, and thanked her for making it much easier than I was expecting. She looked shocked and asked what I thought was going happen - did I think she was just going to say 'no I'm not doing anything for you'. I answered that I had heard horror stories from the UK...
She has given me a referal to the VU in Amsterdam .The Gender Clinic there has a very good name apparently, which I would expect - it's one of the best University Hospitals in NL.

I've called and will have an intake early next year. But... Being one of the best it also has a major waiting list. 9 months from the intake. The call was very odd for me. Considering that I've spent the last 30 years never mentioning it the phone call was (obviously in hindsight) extremely frank and for the first time I was asked what my 'birth sex' is - as opposed to gender.

At the moment I'm more relaxed than I have been for days. I still have a lot of nervous energy which I am going to pound into the tarmac round the lake near my house. I'm thinking 6km's should take care of it. But it just seems like nervous energy at this moment in time, rather than thoughts rolling over and over in my head.

My boss has been great - although not being able to tell him *what* the problem is means that his attemps at help are not always the correct way forward. But he means well. I just explained I was having major personal issues, and I may need to leave for a walk occasionally, and I may not be 100% efficient - but it has nothing to do with my love of the job. He said that he'd never assume that of me and to do what I needed.

I'm giving myself this afternoon working from home to try and land on terra firma again from this morning, then back to the office tomorrow.

Right, time to get changed and hit the pavement!

Breakdown...

I'm completely spent this morning.

I actually slept very well last night, Mrs Stace suggested that I take Valdispert to help keep me calm over the next week or two and I think it calmed me down enough to sleep.

This morning though I was terrible. She made a comment / asked me an 'interesting' question (not in a nasty way, and I didn't take it in a nasty way) to which I gave her an honest answer - so far so good.

Then I broke down in the shower. My head just kept going through worst case scenario over and over. It took many attempts to button up my shirt as my hands were shaking so much (shaking hands is also a problem I have a lot, but this was excesive).

Then I was on the verge of tears the whole 35 miles to the office - except for the time when she was on the phone (built in, not holding on to anything except the steering wheel!). It got much better until she hung up. I ended up crying 10 mins before the office, it actually released an amount of pressure. After being a very emotional child always being told that I should not cry I find it very hard to do now - I guess I need to learn to accept it...

I'm now worried that she is going to stop making comments - I've told her not to - seeing as this was the way I reacted to the first one...

Whilst I guessed that it would be hard to go through telling her, I never expected it to affect *me* this much. I dread to think what she is going through.

And I have a major headache - which paracetamol is not clearing up at the moment.

I think I am going to have a sit down with my boss and explain that I am going through some hard personal issues at the moment, and that I may need fresh air from time to time.

Update: I just made an appointment with my GP tomorrow (something that Mrs Stace suggested I do)... And now feel really sick.

Best laid plans...

Well two posts in one week...

Thanks to all the advice from Saturdays post, I did think long and hard about how / if I should tell her and had *started* to work out a plan. Unfortunately my body decided to get in the way...

About 11pm last night in bed I had quite a panic attack, by my estimation my heartbeat got to the 120 plus stage, I couldn't lie still and started to have issues breathing - when that happened earlier in the year I ended up in A&E being pumped full of Valium so that I could breath again, and off of work for a week to get over the effects of said Valium.

She asked what was wrong, I told her. Everything.

So far she has been great, I am just terrified of if that changes.

She is wonderful, and everything to me - and I hope that she knows how much I love her.

When the details of last night are less murky in my head (only managed two hours of sleep last night) I may elaborate on this cryptic post. But I think I have to get them right first.

Again thanks to all for your support as well.

Appologies for the poorly structured post.

Wednesday Morning 3am

Well Saturday morning 7am... But still too early to be up and doing stuff.

To begin with appologies for the Americanism that's about to follow but I cant think of an appropriate English phrase :)

It's been a hell of a week

In the office it was a little sombre as you can imagine - slowly getting back to normal towards the end. There was a rememberance book for those who wanted to sign, but in the beginning it was on his desk - and I just can't do emotions publically.

It was moved after the first day to a private room, and on Wednesday when I got to the office I went and left my message. I welled up as I wrote it, just a simple couple of lines.

On the personal issues front things have changed a lot in the last couple of weeks. The epiphany from a couple of weeks ago came from reading Calies profile. Trans, non-transitioning, happily married.

After 30 years of knwoing, but not quite totally accepting myself this just jumped at me. And caused some more sleepless nights.

My issue now is that my better half knows about my dressing, and I think has an idea that it goes further. But I haven't told her everything. I'm ashamed of the last, but got scared. I really want to tell her everything - and I think that I have to for the sake of my head - but the thought of doing it terrifies me. When we first talked of the dressing she said it could never go further as she does not want a relationship with a woman. Whether she means transitioned or not I don't know.

I would not transition - I have too much invested in my life to do that, but I do not know what she would make of full disclosure... Sorry I'm starting to ramble here.

I did however come out to a friend. In totalness. More sleepless nights. But he has been fantastic - I'm not the first person he knows who is trans, and he actually acted exactly the same as I did when a uni friend came out to me. As in not making a big deal about it. I've been wanting to say it for a while - but finally plucked up the courage.

He's gay and when we go drinking it's normally in his local - a gay bar - where they have a screen with pictures of parties on the wall. A few of the people who go to the bar parties are also drag queens - I joked that maybe they should learn how to wear a dress (rather too much on display... - not *that* much but too much - but I digress). I had decided that I was going to do it and asked him to walk to the station with me.

On the way I told him I had something I needed to say - to which he responded that he had a feeling I had something to say for a while.

I went on to say I pointed out the guys who needed to learn how to wear a dress was... Because I knew how to wear one.

'Oh is that all'

'No... not really'

'Oh no, poor you'

He said that he was honoured that I trusted him enough to tell him, and let me know that it was safe with him and any time I needed someone to talk to he was there. Oddly enough he' had head issues himself recently and I said exactly the same thing to him.

Unfortunately at that point my train turned up and I had to leg it. I got a couple of supportive SMS's from him on the way home. Which I had to delete as we both share the phones at night if we need to send / receive an SMS and I'm not ready to tell her that I've come out to someone else yet.

We've spoken since. I said I was surprised that nobody had questioned anything. I've noticed reently that my mannerisms have changed a little. Plus I shave my arms and hands weekly and have an emeryboard on my desk, and I now have slightly long nails that are shaped a little... He just said he had an idea of something - but not how much.

I'm still in two minds about whether it was a good idea. It feels great to have offloaded it after 30 years, a weight has been lifted. It's nice to be able to talk about it. But someone now knows my secret, and I I always have this nagging doubt that talking about things is self obsessed - when I do it - I'll happily listen to others as much as they need, just feel that I am encroaching on others when I do it. (and with that an appology for long self obsessed post...)

Anyway - I hope this post doesn't read too negative. I actuallly see this week as a positive week. Apart from the lack of sleep due to a brain that is working overtime, I feel all the better for it.

And on a techy last note I have to recomend a remote from logitech. The Harmony 525. We got one last night , spent a long time programming it for all the tasks that we have (Watch TV, Watch a BluRay, Listen to the radio etc etc etc). It works great. You point it at the tv system and it does everything for you in one click of a button. As opposed to many clicks of many remotes that we had previously. Well worth the money, and it's great to have one remote instead of 7. Looks kind of classy too as opposed to some of the other universal remotes you can get.

Appologies again for the super long post. Once I started typing I found it hard to stop...

BTW: If any of you haven't already - I recommend this on Bree's blog. I thought it was a very interesting piece.

(Lyrics: Simon and Garfunkle)

Phone calls...

Well I'm working from home again, third time lucky for the guy from Sealskin to fix the shower cubicle... He's been and gone and so I am working as Stace yet again.

About 30 mins ago I got a call from the phone company offering to transfer my internet connection to them with a nice discount. I am actually interested in doing this, so listened and answered. Once again I was mistaken for Mrs and not Mr. :) That meant I could do my normal walking whilst talking wihtout having to struggle out of my shoes whilst still holding the phone.

I had a long conversation about what I could and couldn't do, all the time en femme. It was actually quite nice. Except... The assumption that I had absolutely 0 technical knowledge. Whether that was because they thought they were speaking to a woman, or because the woman on the end of the phone also had limited technical knowledge I am not sure - but it did stand out that when I asked what type of modem the subscription came with I was told 'One that you do not even need cables to use it with your computer, and that you can use multiple computers with'.

I wanted to know if it was gong to be as reliable as my LinkSys one that I have at present - but without a model number I gues I am not going to find that out.

Ho hum. To be honest I just quite enjoyed taking the en femme role on once she thought I was a she...

Life was improving

I so wanted this week to be a more bubbely positive post. As my cold dissapeared life brightened. I met a colleague who is off with burn out at the moment and he seems to be on the mend. And has given me the details of his psychololgist that I am thinking of looking into.

Played squash on Thursday with friends and colleagues, and for once did well. The running has really built up my stamina which helped with the squash.

All was great.

Then on Friday I had what is probably in the top 5 traumatic experiences of my life so far.

In the middle of the afternoon we heard ambulances, nothing special there we work close enough to the ring road of the town to hear them as they pass.

Then someone asks me to move my car as there has been an incident in another part of the building and they want to park the ambulance where my car is. No problem, got up to move it assuming someone had fallen or something and they needed the space to move them.

Then came another ambulance to the building, in our room someone joked that there had been a fight and that two of them needed help.

Then the owner of the company called the 100+ people into the canteen. Turns out that one of my colleagues had a chronic condition and he collasped with an aortic embalism. He was revived by a first aider, and then again by the ambulance staff. We would be told if more news came through. I left shortly after, and checked my mail once I got home. There was just a simple email asking everyone to go down to the canteen again. I knew immediately what the meeting would convey, and went into deep, numbed shock.

I was surprised at how shocked I was - it's quite a sized company and I didn't work that closely with the guy, but just could not function for the rest of Friday night. Thursday before leaving we were sharing champagne for a long running project that had just gone live. Now he's gone. A close colleague of mine was the first aider who tried to help him was distraught when I left on Friday (he was being looked after by his wife and some other members of his department). I hate to think what he went through this weekend.

Obviously I am not looking forward to having to go into work in the morning.

All I can say thought is that my deepest sympathies and thoughts are with his family.

Seriously what is wrong with some people

Unusual for me to do two posts in one week but I had to get this out of my system.

Was watching University challange last night and there was a transsexual team captain. It piqued my interest and I did a google this morning. One of the first things in the result set was this thread from digital spy:

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=1077081&page=1

I just can't get over the mindset of some of the posters there, espcially this comment:

Originally Posted by Bfriars
There is a time and place and a captain on Uni Challenge isn't it!!!!!

WTF. Really WTF. I almost made a login just to put my thoughts there, but decided that it would be useless...

Is it any wonder that TS people have anxiety issues when there are 'people' (And I use the term losely) like this.

Slow down, you're driving too fast

I just finished an hours online gaming - Forza 3 on the xbox, with a few (real world) friends. I sucked. Lots... I don't get it I can play in single player mode, but put me against a few other people and suddenly I'm terrible. Still it was good fun...

Unlike the rest of my life the last week. With my head full of the stinking cold (and no lemons in home for my hot toddy pick me up) I seemed to be in a real downward spiral.

Work was not going well - I spent the last week trying to fix a server in the office (only to have to give up and get the thing reinstalled). And whilst spending all of this time fixing the server my other work was getting further and further behind.

The bathroom people cancelled without any prior warning. I called 1/2 hour after the appointment should have been to be told: 'We tried to contact you since Friday, due to a warehouse mixup he's not coming'. When I asked what number they had tried I was told that they had thrown it away as it seemed to be wrong. Something smells fishy there to me...

The whole TG thing was just getting on top of me totally. Once at home with my other half I'm not too bad - not totally great but almost. But when I'm not it seemed to be ripping me apart. Maybe it was just everything stacking up...

Hopefully this week the cold has gone and things will improve. Certainly over the weekend they were better - but that was spent 90% of the time with my other half, and as I said that's not too bad.

In fairness even with an appaling journey on the train to the office this morning - Fire alarm at Schiphol meant that all trians that run underneath the airport were late or cancelled, and when my intercity arrived it was only three carrages instead of it's normal 12 - I feel great at the moment. Fingers crossed.

And appologies to all out there who I have not had time to comment on. With everything that's going on I've barely had time to read the blogs, let alone leave the comments I've wanted to...

(And appologies for the random, rambling nature of this post - felt good to get it out though :) )

'Tis Healthy To Be Sick Sometimes

According to 'Henry David Thoreau'.  Be?  I'm not so sure (and could have lifted that quote entirely out of context :) )

I sit her typing this whilst yellow goo keeps trying to escape my nose, with my whole body - including teeth- aching.  (Sorry for the mental images there :) )

It's been another hectic week.  After a weeks vacation I was still very relaxed on Monday, and into Tuesday morning.  By Tuesday afternoon I needed another vacation - my most inportant project should be going live soon, and the business *still* do not know what they want, and like to try and blame IT for not reading their minds.  Ho hum I supppose.

I had a moment of personal epiphamy this week.  Unforunately that has caused more issues than it solved, including a number of almost sleepness nights, - still not sure where I am going with it...  Whilst I wanted to share that I had the moment of clarity - I am not sure I want to go into details just yet.  Maybe when I realise what to do with it I'llshare more.  I also need to beable to think it through more (which isn't that possibe with a thick head).

And to end of a brighter note.  It's christmas in 6 weeks.  That means that I get to start baking my christmas cake (well should have started two weeks ago, but was too busy sorting the house out for my parents visit).  I love this time of year - and normally spend the next 6 weekends in the kitchen making mince pies (with home made, Delia mincemeat) christmas cake - or truding around the shops trying to think what my other half would like for a gift.

Well my cup is empty, so it's time to malke another cuppachino - and juding by the sound on the windows it's pouring with rain again...

Evening Tanya, been a while

Well it has been a while (since blogging and since watching Lock Stock) - and writing this is about the only time I have had to myself since then.

The household chores are finally finished (for now). The bathroom is almost done (except the ceiling and window frame - which can both wait), the spare room no longer has a hole in the wall (from fitting the sink waste in the bathroom) and has been completely redocorated. And in record time I think - 4 evenings to strip the old wallpaper, put up the new (fibre-galss) wallpaper and give it three coats of paint. It was finished literally hours before my parents flight touched down - thankfully the smell of fresh wall paint doesn't bother them.

Spent a wonderful week with my parents, took some real time off of work - haven't read a single email in the last 8 days and won't until Monday morning on the way to the office. We didn't do anything special (except for a meal celebrating my other halfs birthday with her parents as well - first time both sets of parents have been together since our wedding day I think), just spent a few days together. Was quite sad when they took off again to go home. I thinkt the best thing was to see just how well my dad looks after his heart attack 10 weeks or so ago. That has put my mind to rest quite a bit.

After the failed shopping trip a couple of weeks a go I finally found a black dress that I liked (and fitted my rather limited budget - hurrar for H&M, they had lots). Was interesting buying it though. I was shopping with my other half (she was looking for jumpers, me a dress) and she surreptitiously, whilst "checking" the label, held it up to check the size. I have to say that was the least enjoyable part of it - size 44 in order to get a waist of the right size. And yet I can get away with skirts of size 40. Hopefully I can pull it in a little if I lose a little weight running...

Well... I think that is my head emptied again, and I need to start my studies - going for an MSTS DBA exam in the new year and have yet to actually start the training book.

Another Failed Shopping Trip, More DIY

Every week we get billions (OK English exageration a little there) of leaflets through our door from the various shops in the town center. We normally flick through all of them just to see if anything catches our eye - and every few weeks there is something.

This week we found two things, in a shop we would never dream of going in. A jumper for my other half, and a little black dress for me.

Whilst she really did not want to be seen in the shop (it's mainly used by the winklies, not 30 somethings) she really liked the jumper so we went looking.

First off, once you walk in the store you *really* see that it caters for the older generation - I've never seen such a drab shop outside of 'Mary Queen of Shops' on TV. Secondly even though I was with my wife, and shopping for her as well as me, I got a major bout of nerves and could hardly look for either item of clothing...

We found her Jumper, but as the only size they had in stock was XXXL we decided that maybe we'd leave it. The dress (whilst in the shop window) wasn't even in the store itself. When you look at the customers they have you have to ask why they would even stock either of the items - I can't imagine any of the other customers in there buying them.
Fubar :(

We are supposed to be tryin again in other stores this week (but I'm not holding out much hope - little black dresses are not as easy to find as I imagined...)

On top of that we have sooo much on our plate at the moment. My folks are coming to visit soon (read in days) and at present the spare room doesn't even have wallpaper on every wall. Why on earth I decided to try and get it decorated in a week I don't know. I spend literally years thinking 'That room really needs doing', and then with less than 7 days until it is to be used suddenly get the compulsion that it has to be done now...

As such I am covered in glass fibre from the wall paper that has gone up (I've never seen glass fibre paper before, but it does give a nice finish on the wall for paint - without having to pay someone to plaster the walls) and absolutely shot - work 9 hours (full of stress at the moment) followed by 5 hours of decorating every day is not healthy. Good job my folks are here next week - I'm on vacation for when they are here and can hopefully recover a little...

T(ech)-Time - simple ways to optimize general code

I was reading Lynn Jones blog about old technology today and it got me thinking about the changes over the years. Hohum - here is a good first tech post I think...

Since I started to do serious things with computers - about 1992 - I have used Turbo Pascal, Ansi C, assembly (which I hated :) ), VB 5 and 6 (and classic ASP), Magic (v5, v6 and v7) and now program in C#.

When I started machines were not overly powerful (we thought they were at the time of course) and you had to think about what you were doing in order to make the program run as quick as possible.

When I was in University we had basic coding optimisation practices drummed into us in our Micro-architecture classes (they didn't teach me to spell it though :) ) - how to make your app work that little bit better by using some simple techniques.

In the modern world when writing desktop apps it's not going to make the world of difference. And that is the problem. By and large you can throw hardware at most performance issues and let's face it even a netbook runs at 1.6GHz and with a decent OS does most home user tasks adequately.

But... The trouble comes when you want to do something with many concurrent users. Say... A web application. Or a mainframe app (OK you don't see this too often these days). If you have got lazy with your desktop development you have a higher chance of running into problems.

You see, when you have a decent development rig (where I work we use quad core machines with raptor 10K HDD's and 4GB ram. They rock :) )you still don't see the problems when you are debuging.

No... The problem shows itself when you have 6000 users trying to use your site at once. And what do the developers say? Throw another server at the problem. If you think about the bottle necks and possible issues that you have though you may not need that server. We rely on a couple of purchased apps for data delivery in the office and we have always complained about one in particular. We can't throw it out as they are the only supplier of this particular data in the country. They made a change recently and as a result we can get rid of 50% of the servers we use *for that one app* and still have more capcity. And all because someone actually started to look at performance seriously.

My first suggestion would be to think about all of the logic of your apps before and during coding. If you have an 'if' statement think which of the logic branches is most likely to happen and ensure that this is in the true branch of the 'if'. The reason? When an if instruction comes through to the processor the pipeline is full of the 'true' login branch. When you need the false branch the pipeline first has to be emptied, and then refilled with the new code branch.

I'll be honest with modern operating systems I don't know how valid this point is anymore. But, the process of thinking about what you need in your app is still a valid point and should lead to improvements. just a thought I've been having recently...

Shoes, shoes and more shoes

We are redecorating ad hoc things around the house at the moment and one of the items up for discussion is the shoe rack. Working out the amount of shoes gave me a little surprise...

I own way more shoes than my other half. And they are not even en femme shoes (although they are mainly womens :) ). I have a couple of pairs of boots, a pair of hicking boots, a pair of hand made shoes (the only ones that fit me properly that are actually also mens shoes - brought for my wedding day, 2 pairs of boat shoes, 2 pairs of *everyday* trainers, a pair of running trainer, a pair of indoor court trainers, a pair of canvas shoes and a pair of deck shoes. Plus a pair of boots for in the bike a a pair of wall climbing shoes.

I make that 14 pairs. And I think I may have forgotten something...

I can only think that is too many... Or can men now buy as many shoes as they like?

Oh and well done Jenson!!!!!

Thank goodness that weeks over

It's been an absolute nightmare of a week... After getting the bathroom finished we now have to clean the dust from the rest of the house.

On top of that I had a stinking cold that hasn't completely gone yet, and shows no signs of dissapearing yet (the sniffles and sneezes are over, but the lathargicness etc stays).

Then there is the fact that this week we had one day out of 5 when we were in home during the evening. So we also had a rather lack of sleep...

Then there was work... I have a number of high prority projects at the moment each vying for more of my teams time than I can give. No matter what I do I lose... Some part of the business complains that IT is not giving their project the attention it deserves. By the end of Thursday I was mentally and physically exhausted - and well aware that I had another day to go which was going to be even worse.

The cleaning of the house happened over the weekend as we had my sister in law (plus the rest of the family) coming over for food (and to look at the new bathroom) and had yet to finish cleaning up from it being fitted. *And* one of the local stores had an offer on some furniture we wanted (55% discount) so we had to get that, which involved me putting it all together Saturday night (and it all had to be sanded and waxed before I did it).

We still have a few jobs to finish, and a couple of big jobs to start - I'm just trying to work out when they have to be done so I can try and get some rest before it all starts again. As my folks are coming over for a weeks stay I think that at least one room is going to have to be redecorated before they get here as they would like somewhere to sleep.

On the bright side it all gave me something to write about :)

So very tired...

Well after two weeks of hard graft, ruining my hands and having to put up with my brother in the house (though to be fair the last was not as bad as I was expecting) we have a bathroom back again. And not just any bathroom, but an amazing one. Hats off to my bro - he's done a stunning job and left me with something looking like it came from a lifestyle magazine. We just have to keep it that way now :)

I've just emptied the camera of the last pics rebuilding pics, with some shots I took today with it being finished. I was checking them on the computer and got back to the before shots. It's impossible to imagine that they are of the same room. Of that one of the reasons we brought the house was because of the bathroom.

On top of the two majorly stressful weeks (or maybe because of that) I have spent the last two days with a stinking head cold. It started Staurday afternoon - I got very tired and drained - and by Sunday afternoon was sitting with a tissue stuffed up both nostrils as it was easier than constantly blowing it...

I'm over the worst of it now, but still ache and have a thick head.

Ergo... Another short post. Last week was writers block and this week it's simply that I am too shattered to try and write. Wish me luck for next week.

Another Week, Another Title

Just a quick post this week, to make sure I keep up the habit.

It's been a rollacoaster week. The grandmother of my wife passed away, the funeral was yesterday. It was as bad / good as expected. Some people said some really nice things and I think that as well as the sadness there was also a lot of happy memories that people shared.

In between consoling my wife I've still had to keep working and slogging away in the bathroom helping my brother finish on time.

Add to that having to shower anywhere possible (at work, realitves or neighbours homes) and we're shattered. As the bathroom should be finsihed in a few days I hope life can get back to normal as soon as possible.

One last (happier) thought before I go... How do you complement a girl on the way she dresses without seeming like your (a) interested (I'm not) or (b) way too interested in womens clothes (I am :) )

Ouch!

Well what do you know... More than a week without a post and then two in one day...

I just wanted to post this for two reasons...

One to say how do you mix crossdressing and DIY? (Not at the same time I have to add) I've just removed most of my knuckles removing tiles from the bathroom wall and left my hand that rough that I'm worried if I put anything other than 60 deniers tights on I'd rip them to shreds in seconds if I tried to put them on now :)

The second... Slightly more thought inducing. I have a colleage who I get on with very well. Most of the time. But over the last week I've taken to eating salads for lunch. Partly because I was bored with sandwiches, and partly because I want to loose weight! This guy now spends a few mins each lunch telling me to get some testosterone instead of eating this womens food. What can I say 'little does he know.' But, I have to say it also winds me up to some extent - but there is nothing I can say about it. I certainly couldn't tell say that to him :)

Anyway... That's all for now... Not trying to be negative here - still shining brightly for now.

Monday, Monday

Good morning all, time to start another week!!!

Well after weeks of feeling down, depressed and tired as hell I'm finally feeling like I'm getting back.

Seems like a long time since I've been this settled - and I think that it was a lot of things starting to pile on top of each other.

Firstly the whole 'crossdressing' weight on my mind was getting to me. A discussion with my other half (as discussed in an earlier post) helped a lot here, and a discussion with a friend settled me too. He's the only person who I told how I was felling in my head (though I did not say why...) and he came up with a couple of idea's as he has been going through similar issues - with his head, not with dressing - and has some experience.

1) See someone professional - he said that he could see the issues I was having for a few weeks and need to sort it before it gets too much. Not quite ready for that yet, but never say never.

2) He gave me a diary - just to write down what is in my head when I need to. Just get everything out and on paper. I did this on the train going home last week. Started off not knowing what to do, ended up writing three pages of the most personal stuff in my head and before I knew it I was nearly at the other end.

The diary has *really* cleared my head. I slept for the first time in weeks that night without waking up until the alarm went off. And it's stayed that way since. Can definately recomend it if you are going through a rough patch... I now keep it with me at all times. Only problem is that I'm terrified that someone is going to find it. It's not quite as annonymous as this blog is with it being in my possession at all times :)

The other big thing that happened recently is my dad, who's only 59, had a heart attack about 6 weeks ago. That completely knocked me for 6. That fact that I left the UK a decade ago and he's over 1000 miles away doesn't help either.

But he's now had surgery and is recovering very well. That's a big weight lifted off of my shoulders as well. Can't wait to see my folks again the next time they come over.

So time to start another weeks work, let's see if the good attitude continues.

TTFN,
Stace

PS: Wayhay!!! My first follower Lynn! Thanks - for the comment too. I was wondering whether to remove the techy bit from the blog, but I think I'll leave it in. It may even appear later this week :)

Go with the flow

Since the last post things have improved in life.


During the evening I thought about how to bring up the subject with my other half again. I didn't quite manage it until we were already reading in bed (BTW Really not the right time to do it...). It was a fairly heavy, but short discussion. I said what was on my mind, she said what she thought about it and tried to reassure me about how she feels - still doesn't want to be involved, but told me to continue - and discussed what to wear (we are about the same size so share some of our clothes - yes she does wear mine as well). I did feal somewhat reassured afterwards.

It took me a while to get to sleep afterwards, but things have been better since. On top of feeling better we have actually started talk about it a little day to day - at least including it in the conversation. See how things go over the next month or so.

As for the blog... I think I a going to change it a little... I was going to group everything together - but think I'll specialise a little more. I was going to d my first techie post. I had a great idea for a post ffrom the last couple of days at work. But... I just don't think that I discussing passing Enums around using .Net SOAP web services fits in with the other content. So I'll be making a new one. If it's going to be Stacy or my other self I am not sure of yet either... I would prefer to keep it as Stacy - but it's not something I can use on my CV... But is it really worth putting it on the CV... Thinking time I think.

To close I just have to link to this article. Well worth a read!

Still going...

Hmm... I was going to try for a post a week... On the way home from work today I had a head full of idea's for what to write. Then when I opened the post window... Nothing... Gone... Empty head.

Let's see what comes out when I start to write...

Overall I'm in a swinging well this week between my two states of happy and depressed.

On one hand I had a review at my job today and it went great. Not only are they still happy with me (always good in this climat) but we also got to talk about my short comings (mainly that I am too short with people when it's not going great) and my lack of self confidence. It actually felt good to open up (a little at least) and made me think maybe I do need to speak to someone professionally. (Generally happy)

It also made me think that maybe I should talk to my other half more - but that is not always easy to do when you don't actually know what you want to say... (Currently depressed)

Hmm... Lots to think about - which doesn't actually help matters...

I was actually aiming for a happier overall tone to this post... See if I can find something nice to add at the end of the week.

Been a while...

Well after a long break I'm finally back jn the country and having spent just two weeks in the office I really need another one...

Going back to my post of a few weeks ago... I decided to treat myself to the new AV system. I have to say I'm pleased I did. Whilst speaking to guys in the shop we discussed what I wanted from the system and what it was capable of. Basically, I wanted a system that would give good surround sound, but that would not be an ugly splot in the living room (as most of them are IMO). Also, I wanted something that would sound great playing music - this was the main priority. With all this in mind a Cyrus AV master is the perfect solution. There are more 'complete' units that decode more formats, but are massive, do not fit into most living rooms, and unless you spend stupid amounts of money just do not sound as nice.

The dress on the other hand... Gone... Never to be unfortunately. There is a cheaper one in the shop next door - but I think that I have spent out for now.

My mind is still in a complete spin - both from my state of mind prior to the vacation and other factors. I'm writing this with on average 4 hours sleep for the last 9 days. The amount of sleep I am getting is improving, but not quick enough - if it doesn't improve soon I think a trip to the quack may be in order. I can't help feeling that speaking to a head shrink would also be a good idea - but can't bring myself to do it... Maybe one day...

Happier, but I don't know why

Since the last post I've been rushed of my feet at work - dealing with other peoples issues, stressing over the issues I mentioned on my last post and reading posts on another blog that both uplifted me, annoyed, and then brought me back down again.

And yet...

I feel quite happy at this moment in time. Not sure how long it's going to last - i just hope that it lasts a while :)

Over the last week I've been reading a number of tgirl blogs. The amount of old blogs that are no longer updated is huge (let's see if this one turns out the same way...), of the ones that are left a lot seem to be more about self expression than anything else - which is fine - and are either entertaining or excrutiating to read. There are a number I found which contain lots of TG rights information. Then there are the life blogs (kind of what this is turning into).

Out of the three I find the last to be the biggest draw to me. I don't know if it's finding new information, or knowing that others have gone through the same - and more - and seeing that there are ways to cope long term.

About 10 years ago there was a blog (metaphobia.co.uk). There she described her life - the good and the bad. It ended not long after her GRS, and is no longer available on line. All I can do is hope that it worked out for the best - it seems that she ended it when her journey ended.

Recently I found another blog - not from someone who was looking for GRS this time - (http://www.thegirlinside.com/). Here 'Mattie' / 'Marielle' and 'The Wife' write interesting, thought provoking and usefull articles. I think that I can attribute at least some of my general feeling of improvement to these people - and for that I offer my thanks.

The two articles that really caught my attention are 'Coming out to my parents' and 'Why Don't Men Wear Dresses'. The first for the courage shown and tips on how to have one of the most difficult conversations in your life (and well done Mattie) and the second just because it's one of the most interesting articles I've read. Reading it I just thought 'Yes, uh-huh, so right'. The links are also well worth taking the time to read. And some of the responses to the linked articles represent the whole reason why people like myself get so stressed and depressed...

Anyway, that's the end of this ramble. I'll be back wen there is somethimg worth writing :)

Time for something a little more serious

You know what... When I started this blog I thought it was going to be a place where I could be my en-femme self without any worries.

But, in the time since I created it on Friday I've changed the name three times as I just don't know what I want from it. It's the first time that I've actually come out to the world that I am in fact a tgirl - although the fact that it's an unknown, anonymous blog actually helps matters :)

I’ve found that reading other TG blogs over the years has helped enormously. I just wish that I could pass something back on to others. The courage that others have shown in coming out amazes me - where you find it I do not know. I have to say though - whilst I long to have to courage to actually do it, I don't think I ever could. On top of my lack of courage in others understanding, I have a kind of immovable object, unstoppable force kind of problem. My other half knows about what I do - but she is not totally happy with it. She accepts it as long as she is not involved and it's kept totally private. She is also the world to me - and nothing on this earth could make me do something that would in any way jeapodize my relationship with her. On the other hand I have this nagging pressure in my head about what I am and what to do about it. Most of the time I have to say it's not so much of an issue. Other times, like recent weeks, it's hell - and so terribly lonely, stressful and confusing.

I think that in reflection this blog will tip between three areas - my love of gadgets, my en-femme side, and these moments where even writing the above and admitting it to myself outloud as it were helps a little...

To try and finish on a brighter note... The dress is still there to look at :)

The pain of shopping

Over the last few weeks I've really been in a spending mood - but haven't managed to quite think what should be the focus of it yet...

There's a number of gadgets that have caught my attention - camcorders and a new AV center mainly. But when I stopped tho think about it just how much would I use a camcorder? And what would I do with what I record anyway. For photo's I generally just use them out of the camera - I'm not one for sitting for hours in photoshop to clean up images, and video takes much longer than a still. And for the new AV - just how much do I need it? I hav a nice system that does what I want. Yes the new one would be better, but how good can you have without needing a special room to get the best out of it?

Then there's clothes. There is a local shop that has a dress to die for. On sale so it's affordable, it's classy and sexy at the same time. Wonderful, I love walking past the shop just to check it's still there. So why don't I buy it? As with the gadgets - when would I use it? I don't go out so I just can't justify the cost. It would end up living in the wardrobe being taken out once a month just to check it still fits.

And of course after weeks of tearing myself apart trying to justify spending the cash what happens? Either the sale has ended making both clothes and gadgets too expensive, or they've been sold and you end up with nothing...

One of these days I'll actally be able to work out my own head...

Well here goes...

Well here's the first post - spent an amount of the day making the blog now I just to think what to fill it with...

What can I say apart from what I am going to try to put here... It's going to be mixture I think - technical articles based on what I am working on (both at wrk and at home), random musings about what I'm up to (from techy things to girly things - guess I'm going to have to be clear with the labels for that :) ) and just things that are on my mind...

Hope you get half as much out of reading this as I get writing it :)