I'm completely spent this morning.
I actually slept very well last night, Mrs Stace suggested that I take Valdispert to help keep me calm over the next week or two and I think it calmed me down enough to sleep.
This morning though I was terrible. She made a comment / asked me an 'interesting' question (not in a nasty way, and I didn't take it in a nasty way) to which I gave her an honest answer - so far so good.
Then I broke down in the shower. My head just kept going through worst case scenario over and over. It took many attempts to button up my shirt as my hands were shaking so much (shaking hands is also a problem I have a lot, but this was excesive).
Then I was on the verge of tears the whole 35 miles to the office - except for the time when she was on the phone (built in, not holding on to anything except the steering wheel!). It got much better until she hung up. I ended up crying 10 mins before the office, it actually released an amount of pressure. After being a very emotional child always being told that I should not cry I find it very hard to do now - I guess I need to learn to accept it...
I'm now worried that she is going to stop making comments - I've told her not to - seeing as this was the way I reacted to the first one...
Whilst I guessed that it would be hard to go through telling her, I never expected it to affect *me* this much. I dread to think what she is going through.
And I have a major headache - which paracetamol is not clearing up at the moment.
I think I am going to have a sit down with my boss and explain that I am going through some hard personal issues at the moment, and that I may need fresh air from time to time.
Update: I just made an appointment with my GP tomorrow (something that Mrs Stace suggested I do)... And now feel really sick.
I sometimes think that a T-girl's worst enemy is her brain. You will have to learn to wait for things to happen before you react. Like that means anything coming from me!
ReplyDeleteAlerting the boss is a good idea. Be proactive.
I hope you get straihgtened out soon, girlfriend.
Stace,
ReplyDeleteIt does pass... But right now, where you are at is not a nice place.
Take care, breath deeply and don't give in to
despair.
Have you got therapy lined up? Lord knows it helps, pet.
Anyway, you have my email so if you need to spill it out, write me, OK?
hugs
chrissie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dare I say the worst thing might not happen? You can worry about it all you want, but really, that won't change the outcome, my dear.
ReplyDelete[big hug goes here]
I hope things pick up soon.
ps: Warning the boss sounds a good idea.
I remember many times crying all the way to and from work. It is painfull but it does pass.
ReplyDeleteThe dyshoria tends to come in waves and the intensity varies.
It is a good idea to talk to a trained therapist who specialise in Gender.
You are doing the right thing allowing your wife to feel comfortable to talk with you. It is hard but communication will help a lot.
You will get to a good patch soon.
It is all part of the process we go through to find our place.
x
Onec again (and I feel like I'm saying this a lot at the moment :) ) thanks all.
ReplyDeleteIn a couple of hours I have an appointment with my GP where I am going to ask for a referal to a specialist. I'm going to ask for the VU in Amsterdam - the start there is talking to a specialist therapist. Providing I still have the ability to type when I leave I'll probably post on the outcome later...