Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Happier, but I don't know why

Since the last post I've been rushed of my feet at work - dealing with other peoples issues, stressing over the issues I mentioned on my last post and reading posts on another blog that both uplifted me, annoyed, and then brought me back down again.

And yet...

I feel quite happy at this moment in time. Not sure how long it's going to last - i just hope that it lasts a while :)

Over the last week I've been reading a number of tgirl blogs. The amount of old blogs that are no longer updated is huge (let's see if this one turns out the same way...), of the ones that are left a lot seem to be more about self expression than anything else - which is fine - and are either entertaining or excrutiating to read. There are a number I found which contain lots of TG rights information. Then there are the life blogs (kind of what this is turning into).

Out of the three I find the last to be the biggest draw to me. I don't know if it's finding new information, or knowing that others have gone through the same - and more - and seeing that there are ways to cope long term.

About 10 years ago there was a blog ( There she described her life - the good and the bad. It ended not long after her GRS, and is no longer available on line. All I can do is hope that it worked out for the best - it seems that she ended it when her journey ended.

Recently I found another blog - not from someone who was looking for GRS this time - ( Here 'Mattie' / 'Marielle' and 'The Wife' write interesting, thought provoking and usefull articles. I think that I can attribute at least some of my general feeling of improvement to these people - and for that I offer my thanks.

The two articles that really caught my attention are 'Coming out to my parents' and 'Why Don't Men Wear Dresses'. The first for the courage shown and tips on how to have one of the most difficult conversations in your life (and well done Mattie) and the second just because it's one of the most interesting articles I've read. Reading it I just thought 'Yes, uh-huh, so right'. The links are also well worth taking the time to read. And some of the responses to the linked articles represent the whole reason why people like myself get so stressed and depressed...

Anyway, that's the end of this ramble. I'll be back wen there is somethimg worth writing :)

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Time for something a little more serious

You know what... When I started this blog I thought it was going to be a place where I could be my en-femme self without any worries.

But, in the time since I created it on Friday I've changed the name three times as I just don't know what I want from it. It's the first time that I've actually come out to the world that I am in fact a tgirl - although the fact that it's an unknown, anonymous blog actually helps matters :)

I’ve found that reading other TG blogs over the years has helped enormously. I just wish that I could pass something back on to others. The courage that others have shown in coming out amazes me - where you find it I do not know. I have to say though - whilst I long to have to courage to actually do it, I don't think I ever could. On top of my lack of courage in others understanding, I have a kind of immovable object, unstoppable force kind of problem. My other half knows about what I do - but she is not totally happy with it. She accepts it as long as she is not involved and it's kept totally private. She is also the world to me - and nothing on this earth could make me do something that would in any way jeapodize my relationship with her. On the other hand I have this nagging pressure in my head about what I am and what to do about it. Most of the time I have to say it's not so much of an issue. Other times, like recent weeks, it's hell - and so terribly lonely, stressful and confusing.

I think that in reflection this blog will tip between three areas - my love of gadgets, my en-femme side, and these moments where even writing the above and admitting it to myself outloud as it were helps a little...

To try and finish on a brighter note... The dress is still there to look at :)

Saturday, 11 July 2009

The pain of shopping

Over the last few weeks I've really been in a spending mood - but haven't managed to quite think what should be the focus of it yet...

There's a number of gadgets that have caught my attention - camcorders and a new AV center mainly. But when I stopped tho think about it just how much would I use a camcorder? And what would I do with what I record anyway. For photo's I generally just use them out of the camera - I'm not one for sitting for hours in photoshop to clean up images, and video takes much longer than a still. And for the new AV - just how much do I need it? I hav a nice system that does what I want. Yes the new one would be better, but how good can you have without needing a special room to get the best out of it?

Then there's clothes. There is a local shop that has a dress to die for. On sale so it's affordable, it's classy and sexy at the same time. Wonderful, I love walking past the shop just to check it's still there. So why don't I buy it? As with the gadgets - when would I use it? I don't go out so I just can't justify the cost. It would end up living in the wardrobe being taken out once a month just to check it still fits.

And of course after weeks of tearing myself apart trying to justify spending the cash what happens? Either the sale has ended making both clothes and gadgets too expensive, or they've been sold and you end up with nothing...

One of these days I'll actally be able to work out my own head...

Friday, 10 July 2009

Well here goes...

Well here's the first post - spent an amount of the day making the blog now I just to think what to fill it with...

What can I say apart from what I am going to try to put here... It's going to be mixture I think - technical articles based on what I am working on (both at wrk and at home), random musings about what I'm up to (from techy things to girly things - guess I'm going to have to be clear with the labels for that :) ) and just things that are on my mind...

Hope you get half as much out of reading this as I get writing it :)