Thursday, 26 June 2014

Surreal

Well, after a various delays caused by my private life I have just called the hospital to say I am ready to go on the waiting list.

At the start of July I have to speak to a psychologist as you need to have spoken to one from the gender team less than 6 months before the operation and I have to have another appointment with the anesthetists as my last appointment was too long ago to be considered valid.

After that it is simply a case of waiting for an operating table. Sometime over the summer is the expectation. It could be as close as 5 weeks, or as long as 11 weeks away.

I have set this in motion now and it seems very surreal, and has freaked me out somewhat. Not as it did last year but more a 'Holy crap, this is actually happening...' way.

To be continued as the saying goes!

(PS Sorry if this makes no sense, I don't have the ability to think straight right now!)

Friday, 20 June 2014

Scary realisation

This is a bit of an emotional post, it may ramble. Sorry.

Something happened this week that has made me realise I have been answering questions a little wrong over the course of my transition.

The little guy is fine (actually, more than fine - he is wonderful :D )

And there is nothing to worry about, so please don't get too concerned.

Something happened yesterday at work that has totally thrown me. Totally. Nothing to do with the transition (I hope), but something that has made me really start to question things.

This caused me a huge amount of stress, and a few tears and a lot of anger. Not things that I am wonderful at boxing in.

I was shattered yesterday from it all,, and could barely stay awake before going to bed.

In bed was a different thing, I couldn't sleep, yoga breathing techniques were doing nothing to help and I was just in free fall.

And then I bit my finger very hard.

And then I started to think if that is a normal thing.

It's not really is it?

This morning I have done some searching and it does seem to be classed as self-harming. Which is something that I have always said I didn't do. Turns out I did - I have often done this to my arm and fingers before starting the transition as a way of coping.

Not that I wanted to punish myself, or that I felt I deserve pain, but more because it just took my mind off of everything else.

I only really thought about it last night when I did it and realised that I had not done it in years.

I'm expecting a call from my boss today (he called earlier, but I was changing the little guy and so couldn't answer the phone). We'll see what he says...

Update: had the call, made things worse :(

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Wow, customer service...

I just got off of the phone with my cable provider as a very happy bunny. (How often do you hear that!)

Our cable recorder just died on us. First it turned off, then it wouldn't turn on. Even after being physically removed from the power for a couple of minutes.

OK, then 15 minutes...

Woot, it starts. But now my EGP has two entries for a lot of channels, and for those channels when I press the channel number it goes to one that says 'This channel doesn't exist any more - retune your decoder'

Fine.  Menu. Systems.  WTF - the option to rescan the channels has greyed itself out!!!

So I called the cable company as they provided the box and after a wait got someone on the phone.

I said who I was, gave my address and was told:

"I see that this account is in the name of your husband."

Ah, yes...  A couple of years ago when I tried to change my name and title here I was told that it could only be done in writing, and I hadn't got around to it...

"Er, no. It's in my name. It's a bit of a complicated story"
"OK, can you give me your date of birth then"
Sure
"OK, and that is *your* date of birth"
"Yes, like I said there is a story behind it"
"Well, do you just want me to change it to Mevrouw?" (Dutch for Ms, Miss or Mrs)
"Er, yes please!"
"Done"

Wow, I wasn't even expecting my decoder to be fixed - I certainly wasn't expecting someone to be able to fix my customer record.

Result.

Oh, and with a bit of a collaboration between him and me we got the decoder working again :p


Friday, 16 May 2014

Finding yourself

Life is streaming past at the moment and it seems that every time I sit down to write one of two things happens.

1) My brain shuts down and says enough computers already
or
2) I find that I don't have the time to actually do anything and end up hating what I have written.

So let's see if this one gets finished!

Lot's has happened over the last few weeks. The little guy got his first illness, the fifth disease. Normally this is not a problem for children. They get 'slapped face' syndrome, maybe a fever and feeling a little under the weather and then they recover.

When the patient is 9 weeks old doctors get nervous and concerned.Which in turn gets parents very nervous and concerned. Lots of temperature checks, lots of making sure he is comfortable. Lots of him going to  sleep in our arms rather than in his bed.

Thankfully he never managed to get to the 38 degrees, if that had happened then it was probably going to be a hospital case, even though he got very close at one point. But, he soon dropped back to normal and started to get his normal personality back, and lost his slapped cheeks.  Phew. We were beyond stressed.

He has started daycare - and is coping far better than us :) In fact he is enjoying smiling away at the nursery nurses there!

Me? I've been cleared for my operation, from a laser point of view anyway. I saw my surgeon for the first time this week. He seems a very nice guy, was very personable and actually spoke to me, not about me. Anyway, he has told me that as far as he is concerned everything is good to go, though not to cancel my last appointment in a few weeks :)

I told him I was terrified of the operation, not the results, but the operation itself. I liked his response. I would be more concerned if you told me you were not worried.

There is another delay, but I am not really ready to go into it just yet.

So the title. Nothing really to do with the above, more to do with changes in me. Obviously being a parent changes you. And in ways that I could not imagine, and can't put into words.

One of the things that has changed is that I now go out more without make-up. It has more happened from lack of time, but previously I would have been late. Now I just go out without it.  It's a very stupid thing really, and yet it's not small...

One of the other things is that I have started to look at clothes more from what I like, rather than always asking whether or not people will be asking if I am trying to hard. Literally everything in my wardrobe was brought with that question not just in the back of my mind, but on my lips. And there have been well meant comments in the past. Not saying there was something wrong with what I was wearing, but more saying I didn't need to wear it. I always steered clear of dresses. I assumed I didn't have the body shape for them, and so didn't wear them.

Until Christmas when I got a lot of compliments on my Christmas party dress - or more my wedding reception dress (for the wedding we couldn't go to in the end because of the little guy). And so I tried another just as a day to day dress. And liked it. And so I went a little OTT and have a new style. 50's a line dresses feature a lot.

And I don't care any more. I like them, I think I look OK (as good as a personal opinion is ever going to get for myself) and I'm wearing them.

Now to unwind on for the final of Master Chef! 

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Time flies when you are simply looking at your son and smiling!

I may not have much time to write this - as I type I can see my son waking up on the video monitor. I think that he wants to watch F1 qualifying with me :p

Well, it's been 6 weeks now, and things are still going well. He is healthy and has learnt to smile - and there has been nothing in my life so amazing as having him smile at me when he wakes up in the morning!

He's being very kind to us at night, only waking up once for food - and last night that once was 7 hours after he went to sleep. From what others have told me, we cannot complain at that!

We are starting to get into a rhythm during the evening but over the daytime he is still doing his own thing. Poor Mrs Stace struggles most with that though as I have to go to work...

And that is really how much time I have as he is starting to get upset!

Oops, I seem to have turned into someone who only talks about their children! (I hope that is acceptable when they are so young!).

One final thing before I go, I managed to get a new dress recently. I saw it on

...

Ok, a few hours later and he has let me get back on the laptop for another couple of minutes!

So, I saw a dress on a fashion blog that I read, I read them normally to see what can work, what not and what things I would never have thought of appeal to me.

This is the first time I actually clicked through and bought something. Though I was rather scared when I did. The fashion blogger is a very pretty, short, thin read had. The closest I get to that is red(ish) hair. But, the dress was not a couple of hundred pounds from an exotic shop, it was a 35 pound dress from Tesco's online clothing shop. (I didn't even know they had one!)

So, a look around and we got some baby things as well (really cheap 100% cotton clothes!) and ordered them. A couple of days later they arrived - we ordered some things from a Dutch site on the same day and the delivery from Yorkshire actually got here faster; well done Tesco! :)

On Friday I tried the dress for the first time and...  It has paid for itself in compliments and self confidence! Almost everyone commented on it positively (one person did complain that it wasn't summer yet, and didn't get the point when I said the warmth was fine, it was the slight breeze that was the problem...) and I felt great in it!  Not bad for the cheapest dress I own!

http://www.foreveramber.co.uk/2014/03/birthday-dress.html
From Tesco's Site



Right, time for a cup of tea and then I think that someone may want to get up again!


Saturday, 22 February 2014

Away for a while...

Well, just a quick note to say that I am still here, and I'm now a parent :)

Everyone is doing well, all three of us are just adjusting to the new routine and so there may be a lack of posting here for a while :)

Stace

Sunday, 9 February 2014

Memories

No, I'm not going to start singing to you :)

I've had a rather uneventful week again - things are 'going' at work. Every time I get something finished (another chore checked off before going on leave) I start on something else and obviously want that to be finished as well!

I have had a bit of fun this week though - I have started our welcome document for new developers. It's not an 'On-boarding' document because that word makes me cringe and brings up images of stiff corporate offices where people are not allowed to think for themselves.

No, the place I work for is very informal and so I have tried to keep the document informal as well.  Maybe too informal - I am waiting to hear what the other team leads think!

I was happy though as it wasn't my job to write it - but the others were busy and I could see it never being done. Three hours of thinking with the keyboard and I think we have a good basis that simply needs to be completed, and of course implemented (we currently have no fixed welcome  process, it's all a little off the cuff...). I'm quite proud of it really!

The second document I wrote was going to be a cheat sheet for Scrum as a way of bringing it back into focus in the Scrum teams and helping the development teams and the product owners understand the responsibilities they have, and how they can make it work more efficiently.

It's not really a cheat sheet any more - in fact I think it is now a 7 page document :)

But, it's finished and either I, or another of the Scum Masters (should I be on leave) will be going through it with the Scrum teams over the coming weeks.

And... My Scrum blog, that has a grand total of one post still, is going to have a few entries based on it.  I wonder what feed back it's going to get...

---

Yesterday I was watching the  latest episode of Hij is een Zij and for the first time it had me in tears. In fact it completely screwed up my entire morning.

One of the women went back to her school with her brother, revisiting their childhood. It sounds like she had as good a time in school as I did. An emotional, gentle person who was constantly bullied because of it (the fact that I never backed down to the bullies, a trait I picked up from both of my parents, didn't help me either). Not wanting childhood photos to be used in the program due to the feelings those photos bought up.

Slowly my eyes filled, and then that was all that was in my head for the next few hours.

It's amazing what you think you have left behind, but actually is lying just under the surface.

I'm fine by the way, it's nothing that is going to cause a spiral in me (that is more than 20 years ago now - I feel old!) it's just something that hit me at the time.

And of course the update...  Well I have time to write this, so I'll let you guess :) (Everyone is doing fine btw)