Crazy and in confusion

After week or so of really 'meh' weather, it was really wonderful on Friday and Saturday.  The sun was out, it was warm and there was just the touch of a breeze to take the edge off of it when you were outside.

It was such as shame as those were two days where I could have done with it being slightly cooler and overcast!  Our office air conditioning is broken (again) and so if it starts to get anywhere near pleasant outside it is almost unbearable inside once the sun hits the windows in the afternoon.  Due to the fact that we are on the ground floor our windows are welded shut to try and stop people stealing our computers at night.  So all we have are three tiny windows that swing open.  When it's not too bad outside they work OK, but very quickly the room just gets too hot.  Thankfully someone is coming in on Monday to fit a new machine.

Also, when it's nice we use the old school yard of the building as a meeting room.  Friday was the perfect day for this, and yet I had to annoy people by saying I had to stay in the shade (seeing as I was starting laser again the next day the last thing I wanted was to get a tan on my face to reduce the effectivity and increase the pain).

Finally, yesterday we had to dismantle all of our dining chairs, and move an old coffee table and dining table to storage.  None of which are that pleasant when it's 28 degrees with high humidity.

Last night that started to change, I checked the weather radar for Europe and saw a nice storm slowly climbing it's way north to us from France.  Which is great, as we have nothing to do today so a cold overcast day where we can't use the garden is perfect!

Anyway, we went to bed last night with it still being uncomfortably warm just as the pitter patter of rain started in the windows.  I had some sympathy for a neighbor - it seems they were having a last garden party last night, complete with lots of fairly lights (I had to do this for my BBQ next year) which they had to quickly take inside once the rain came (OK, I'll do it with outdoor lights!).

We got to sleep, and that's where it gets weird...  I woke up at 1:30 only now the rain is hammering on the window like it's trying to get inside.  I got back from a bathroom visit and it was even worse.  Flash, count to 15 and then boom.  OK three miles away.  I struggled to get back to sleep waiting for the next strike to come, I love watching thunder storms, but they also terrify me.  Or at least I thought I was struggling to get to sleep.  Either we had lots of really close strikes (we do occasionally get strikes somewhere in the neighborhood where it's almost instant Flash BANG!) and a low flying plane coming in to land at Schiphol whilst struggling a little, with lots of people panicing in the street or (and I think that this is a possibility) I fell asleep without knowing and my fears came into my dream...

But I rarely have a dream as realistic as this, and it's even rarer that I can remember everything vividly the next morning.  Maybe vaguely for 1/2 hour after waking up and then it all becomes hazy - but this is still there in completeness.  It's a little disconcerting I have to say...

PS Virtual New York cheesecake to whoever can guess where the title is from.

Panic

Isn’t it strange how the simplest of jobs can trigger a sudden panic, followed by a deep low?  That’s how I spent the latter part of my weekend.  It started when we saw the new Ikea catalogue and decided to bite the bullet and replace our mattress.  It’s been on the cards for a while now – the old one was brought in our previous house that had damp issues and it showed on the mattress, but we never got around to buying the replacement.

Flicking through the catalogue we found one that was just what we were looking for (at least the description said that it was), and went to Ikea late on Saturday in the hope that it would be quieter.  No chance, when we got there the car park was still completely full.

A bit of browsing whilst looking for the beds, looking for a sofa bed to replace the double in the spare room – as it’s only used a couple of times a year it seems stupid to have 3/4 of the room taken up with it – and other bits and bobs.  We found a great sofa bed – sprung base, looked nice when not a bed, and was comfortable in both guises.  It was easy to unfold and fold back up again and there was a little storage space built in as well.

This is the point where the ‘bad’ thoughts started.  If the worst happens and I end up losing Mrs Stace that’s what I am going to have to buy for the living room of a flat (seeing as a one bed place is likely to be my budget).  And when looking at the chairs for the dining room I started to glance around at the cheap tables that were there to the same effect.

When we finally managed to find the mattress the issue of ‘should we buy it when we don’t know the future?’ came up.  I said buy it anyway, even if that does happen the mattress is going to be needed.  And then spent time looking at the cheap beds (just in case I need one).

And so it goes.  We both made light of it at the time, but since then it’s just been weighing heavier and heavier on my mind – to the point where I have ended up sitting on the sofa rocking backwards and forwards in tears.  Stupid I know – neither of us knows what is going to happen so there is no point dwelling on it, but it just hit me this weekend.

I suppose looking at the bright side I managed to start exercising again this weekend – a 23km bike ride on Saturday (too long, my knees were in agony by the half-way point) and a 3km run on Sunday (should have been 6 but my knees were reminding me of Saturday so I decided to be sensible for a change).  It felt good to be running again, and the endorphins were certainly released.

And the mattress is extremely comfortable.  It’s memory foam so it starts off as a little soft when you first lie down, but then gives you great support once you are lying down on it.  Flat packed too – it comes vacuum packed, and rolled so a 160 * 200 mattress even fits in a V50.

Update: I wrote this on the way to work on Monday.  Since then things have gone downhill a little, I ended up yelling at my boss over a trifling incident (he has told me I was correct and didn’t come across as that shouty, but I know I should have handled it better) and had to leave the office before breaking down again.  Didn’t take long for the vacation feeling to disappear did it…  I’ve levelled out – it’s not getting any worse – but neither is it getting better yet…

Catching up

Well after the shock that was my reaction to getting on the VU's waiting list yesterday I am doing better today.  I've calmed down, and as Mr Stace has pointed out it's not something unexpected, nor unwanted.  I guess I now need time to reflect and think.

I still have to call the therapist who's number I got from the VU.  I actually tried calling, but the number sems to be wrong.  I have to call the VU again to confirm the number.

Things are still on the up.  I'm back to 90% at work (Friday excepted) and it has been noted by my boss that I'm getting back to full strength. For the first time in a while  I can look back on the weeks work and be happy with what I have acheived.  I have too much to do, and have a lot to catch up on, but with a little time management and prioritising of open tasks I should cope.

And finally...  A week after getting the epilator I have to say I am very impressed.  There are still a few stragglers that I haven't caught yet.  But whereas I always have to shave on a weekly basis, I still have no regrowth after one week. Woohoo :)

Time for my Saturday skate.  Busy day today - MotoGP in France so I want to see qualifying, shoe shopping and tonight is the last practice for the final dance of the year where we get marked.

Have a good weekend all.

Acceptance

Just a quickie today about something that strikes me as odd.  I've gone over bits of it before, but there is new input now.

I don't normally go into Mrs Stace's therapy.  She tells me what she wants to tell me, and I won't blog about it as that is her personal business not mine.

But...

Her therapist came up with something this week that I found interesting.  I've said before that I always thought I accepted that I was trans.  I tried to ignore it certainly, but I always thought that I accepted it.

Her therapist seems to think that this isn't the case.  I said after Tuesday at the VU that it got scary as each step makes it more real to me.  Mrs Stace does not have this problem.  Her husband sitting there dressed and made up kind of makes it real enough for her.

Her therapist says that points to me not accepting it (or rather that she has accepted it better than I have at present), which thinking about it makes sense.  What does that mean for me?  That I have simply acknowledged it? That I am simply terrified for the future and what may lie there?

It also gives me another question.  If I have simply acknowledged it how do you move from that to aceptance?

I have to get the courage to call the therapist in Amsterdam at some point today.  It was a bank holiday yesterday, and both Mrs Stace and I have taken a bridging day to give us a long weekend.  That gives me enough time to call the guy and get something arranged.

We'll see how it goes...

Right now it's too early to call and the sun is shining for the first time this week so I'm going for a skate.

Tough times...

Not a good post today I'm afraid. I'm trying to work through several issues, and figure out where on earth I am supposed to go with them.

In my last post I said I had highs, lows, pain and fun. I pretty much covered the three of the four (and incedently still in a little pain from the run...)

The lows I haven't really touched.

The last month of so has been really bad, GD wise. I can't concentrate, have been back on the valdispeert, my anxiety has peaked again. My work has suffered, and my life outside work has been affected.

Things have really gone south this week. Saturday I could not concentrate on *anything* except the constant anxiety over my GD. I am a telly addict to a degree. I like Saturday nights on BBC 1 (Total Wipeout, Doctor Who, Over the Rainbow) I don't remember anything about the first, the only thing I remember about the second is that it was not the strongest episode I have seen, and the third I just could not get into. I was just totaly inside myself.

Sunday was not too bad, thankfully. The run put the thoughts out of my head somewhat for most of the day and then I got changed when I got home and found peace. I was me. For the whole evening. Not just with the clothes, but totally - I find it hard to explain. But it was the firs time in a while I had shaken the anxiety.

Then that night I felt really guilty about only being anxiety free in that situation - it doesn't bode well for being able to cope now does it. Monday was a nightmare day. Couldn't think about anything, went for lunch with the colleague that I told recently to talk about it more. He would make a great psycologist... However, it brought the thoughts of the night before to the front again. I spent the evening in anxiety mode again, only this time the pills did little to control the physical side of the anxiety. I felt I really needed to dress again and shoot for the same feeling I had Sunday night, but I didn't want to take Mrs Stace's husband away for the second time in two days.

She told to get changed anway if it would help, but then I remember I had to clean the rabbit, and I wasn't going to go into the garden dressed.

That night I told her of my thoughts about not sure how I am going to be able to cope. Neither of us slept well. Me worse than her and at 3am I went to the spare room so as not to disturb her any more.

Tuesday was an absolute zombie day. Not being able to think, and being totally exhausted.

Yesterday went pretty much the same.

Then Mrs Stace told me about something her colleague said regarding regarding death. And I ended up telling her the suicidal thoughts that I have had over the years, many years, since before I was twenty.

Now, I have never *seriously* considered it - I don't want anybody to worry - but standing at train stations I have thought about how a quick jump would stop the constant issues in my head. Or when driving over high bridges etc etc.

After I told her I cried a little - something I can't do very often. I feel that my life is good, if you take a way the GD. But if I feel life is so good why on earth would I work out the best way to end it? And when I go for my first appointment at the VU (that I *hope* to arrange within the next week or two) how on earth is the phychiatrist going to react to that. I can't hide it from them oibviously, but it doesn't sound particularly sane in my head.

I have to say, telling Mrs Stace last night helped a lot. And I do feel better today than I did the last few days.

Guilt squared

Well after the joy and fun of the last few days I came down to earth with a bit of a bump yesterday.

I actually had a great day, but a couple of incidents left me feeling quite guilty.

The second (less important to me, but it still got to me) was yesterday evening. I arrange to meet someone I used to work with to watch the Six Nations match between England and Scotland. We met at the station and got chatting about how she was doing, after being unemployed for a number of months she has finaly got a job and she was radiant with it. She asked about how things were going for me, she knows about the recent re-organisation which has left me with a team dedicated to mainly small maintenance - which is not the most exciting of work. She asked if I was OK with that and I just said yes I could do with the simple life for now. She then asked if everything was OK at home and I just said yes fine. I hate lying, but there is no way I would come out to her, and I can't say how things are at home without mentioning it. It just felt wrong and got to me a little on the way home.

The first was yesterday afternoon. Mrs Stace was getting ready, putting her contacts in in front of the mirror. I stood behind her giving her a hug and kissing her neck. She smiled and then suddenly got a strange look on her face. I asked too much too soon? She said no, but looking at my reflection in the mirror I just looked so much like a boyish woman.

She was not being nasty, she wasn't angry. But she looked hurt and confused. I felt awful for her. But... The guilt comes from me taking it as a compliment. I felt terrible for her, but to me it was such a nice thing to hear. I feel like such a git for taking it that way - but I can't see it in any other light no matter how hard I try.

Good news, bad news and running into celebrities

Well what a week this has been...

Back to work after a weeks sick leave - trying to catch up with the mess that happened when I was not here. I don't know whether to take the fact that things fall apart when I'm not here as a compliment or whether it means I am not doing my job right in the first place...

I UPS'd my new amp back to the UK on Tuesday. Brought a nice amp, very happy with the sound and then it broke. Called the shop (in Leicester), they called Cyrus, they said call the importer in Holland who will fix it under the european gurantee. They said we are not touching it. After a lot of discussion it was posted directly to Cyrus on Tuesday, who have said three weeks minmum to fix it...

Wednesday I nearly outed myself to my whole dance class apparently. Since coming out to all my close family I have become to be a lot less mindful of my mannarisms, I haven't started to do feminine manarisms, I've stopped conciously making myself have male manarisms (I've started to relax in their company more) unfortunatley I've also started to relax in other company which I hadn't realised... During the break in the class Mrs Stace and I were talking to the other couples and apparently the way I was holding my arms against my chest were not quite as masculine as I normally try to come over. Add to that long, shaped nails (the only outward sign I give - I stopped biting my nails and love them now - but they are just past the brink of being too long for a man I think) and oops. I don't think anyone noticed - Mrs Stace just pointed it out by making the same guesture dramatically to me when we were all walking off, with a smile I might add.

Yesterday the estate agent came around and looked around the house.

The good news - the house is quite saleable. It's in good condition (except the kitchen) in a good neighbourhood and is a good size (for a Dutch house). It has gone up in value since we brought it.

The bad news - the kitchen will put buyers off because the rest of the house is in too good a condition, it is the only thing that would stop someone simply moving in rather than having to work on it first. For the target market (my age group) this is a downer.
If we put a new kitchen it would help sell the house, but we would lose 5K between the cost of the it and the increase in value of the house.
It has gone up in value - but only to the extent that we would cover the mortgage rather than actually make any money (In Holland you normally take a mortgage to cover the house and costs of buying for your first house rather than putting a big deposit down and paying the costs out of your pocket)

This does mean that one of us taking the mortgage over becomes a real possibility (esp as the mortgage is 200 a month less than I thought we paid - yes I know that I should know these things having signed for it 5 years ago, but it's a direct payment so I don't really thing about it now). I think that we both prefer the option of one of us taking it as opposed to selling it on.

But if we do that it is not fair to the other person to fit a kitchen now out of our joint savings. Swings and roundabouts.

That was a lot to take in, and I think it's going to be a few weeks before we have it worked through in our heads, what with everything else that is going through them.

I also had a conversation with Mrs Stace last night about how surreal everything seems at the moment. Here we are discussing splitting up after 10 years (6 of them married) like we are discussing the weather. No arguments, no pot throwing, no shouting. Just rational discusions. Whilst sitting cuddling on the sofa, or at the table over food. It seems very odd to still be so in love with each other and still talking about these subjects. She agrees. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to shout and scream at each other - there bad things lie - but it just seems surreal.

And then to prove myself a hypocrite I had to stop that direction of thought as it had me on the verge of tears at the end of the conversation.

We'll see. I'm neither optimistic, nor pessimistic, just numb and trying to get through the days. Please don't feel too sorry for me just yet - most of the time I don't. I've cried, will cry more in the future probably, but as we are still quite close I'm trying not to worry about what the future holds just yet.

And finally (as they like to say on the news)...

I work in Hilversum - Media City they call it (well mediastad actually but I translated). There are lots of celebs around, and indeed my office is just 2 mins from the MediaPark where most of the TV stations have thir studios etc.

Even so I was a little surprised when a Ducth rapper / TV Presenter Lange Frans ran into me this morning. Quite surprised as I was stopping for a red light at the time...

When swapping names and addresses I thought I know you... So when I got to the office I googled his name and sure enough it came back as him. Drives a lot more down to earth car than I would have expected (2.0D Merc C class). Thankfully Volvo make good towing hitches so it seems the damage is limited to replacing that - the towing ball has been bent by an inch or so and nothing on the car itself. So I have his address, phone number and on Monday I should have his insurance details as well :)

Have a good weekend all,
Stace

Two thought provoking entries

I've just read a couple of entries from two people:

Mixed Emotions by Chrissie
Gay No But I Am Queer by Julia

Chrissie's posting deals with her divorce finalisation having a date in court now, and the emotions that that brings up, plus looking forward to the future.

I really wanted to put something supportive in the comments - but when the window came up nothing was there to type. I ended up putting something that's probably comes across as trite - and for that I appologise.

I think there are two reasons why it wasn't happenning:

1) I can only empathise... As yet I have not going through anything like this, and have no idea what to say to people.
2) It's a little close to the possibilities of home at the moment. This afternoon I have an estate agent coming to value the house this afternoon, and to tell us if we should refit the kitchen if we are going to sell later in the year

Ergo I'm a little numb. Mrs Stace is struggling. She accepts me for who and what I am - but therein lies our problem. Even is not dressed she knows that I am not a man, even if I never transition she knows that I am not a man. She sees the inner me. And she is not a lesbian.

Time will tell if she can get over it I suppose. I dressed for the first time since telling her on Sunday - I duscussed it with her first. She asked me not to wear a skirt, I agreed.

We spent time cuddling during the evening, and she got her own back on my by flicking my bra strap open. We were both nervous, but made it through unscathed. This has allowed me to hope that she can come to terms with me - but it's a long way from a done deal, and as put above has nothing to do with whether I transition. Time will tell, as will her therapy that starts 1st March.

Then there was Julia's post.

As I put in my comment there I have never wondered if I was gay. From my ealiest memories I knew I should have been a girl, and spent an amount of time playing with girls when growing up.

When it comes to attraction though it is more complicated. I am not attacted to men in boy mode. In any way shape or form. However, in girl mode I have had my share of crushes - Phillip Scofield, Pierce Brosnan and recently David Tennent to name a few. But all of them in Femme mode. I can't imagine being with a man as a man - that does not fit in my head at all. As a woman however, that's different. Stacy definately has crushes on both men and women.

This is something that I have not yet told Mrs Stace or my parents. It confuse me as I've always said that male me and Stacy are one and the same person, but does this invalidate that point. It's hard enough for me to get my head around it, it seems very odd and weird... Is it?

Stace

Phone call with my parents

I spoke to my parents again this yesterday, I called them on to try and fix their computer (that had in the mean time decide to fix itself).

We got chatting and I mentioned that Mrs Stace was out with her parents and sister. My mum was surprised that I was not there, I said that it was supposed to be a night out for the girls (Mrs Stace, her sister and her mum) as a belated birthday present and that her dad decided to go last minute, probably down to me as it was the first time he had seen her since he found out about me, and he said he was psycologically ready. I appriciate that this is starting to get converluted. That got us on to the subject that we then discussed for the next 90 mins...

What bascially came over was that they are not coping as well as they said they were. They are still fine with me, but are concerned that I am gong to go into transition without thinking as soon as posible.

They also seem to be under the impression that once I start speaking to the therapists later in the year I am going to be pushed to transition at any expense.

I have tried to correct them in this... But that went rather badly as well. In the end I was told that I shouldn't ever transition as I was too manly, just with a very predominant femanine side. Which is not what my mum said on New Years Eve. I am not sure what this is based on except for my love of all things car.

I have to admit at doing something I am not proud of... Something that I feel, but didn't want to say to my mum is that for most of my childhood I constantly heard that 'This is not what boy's do / want / play with / ect'. I didn't want to broach the subject as I didn't want to make her feel guilty about it. But it was the only way I could see out of the conversation loop I was in, and I was starting to get upset by that time, so I said it. It didn't end the conversation, she just said she didn't remember doing it. And I am not blaming her here - I have reason to think that she is lying about remembering.

The other loop that came up was based almost solely on me being married as a reason why I could not be 'all woman', their phrase. If you love a woman you must be a man, otherwise you can't love a woman in any way more than as a close friend. That went around in circles for a while - ending with a point that I know only too well anyway. Mrs Stace isn't that way inclined.

And my mum wants to meet my therapists as she is the only one who knows me... I didn't even start a discussion with that one.

We did have some lighter moments, and ended well. Them re-affirming that they are there not matter what I do decide in the future. They keep stressing that, and saying that they wish there was more they could do. I always answer that by saying be there no matter what I decide.

All in all it did leave me very shaken though. Their two main points hit me quite hard - either I am insane and do not know what I am feeling; or they are just seeing what they want to see, which they kept stressing they were not. I know that they have only known for 24 days and are getting to grips, but I don't know, yesterday was just very difficult.

Ending on a bright note though... I heard my mum use the name Stacy refering to me for the first time, in a pleasent way. I really can't put into words how that made me feel. Crazy isn't it.

I think that's everyone for now...

Well I think that I can almost start to relax again... On Monday night Mrs Stace got a call from her mother saying that she would be going to my sister in laws for food on Tuesday, which is a long standing arrangement for us.

Something positive happened that night... I spent an hour pacing the living room in a panic, and poping Valdispert pills again to calm me down before going to bed. So far so bad... But I slept reasonably well. I sleep badly at the best of times, but the night before seeing my sister in law for the first time I only managed 2 hours. So sleeping almost normally (for me) I see as a breakthrough.

I had a hellish day in the office, still catching up after the Christmas break, and doing a presentation to a room full of poeple about the new TFS server that I have configured (I *do* not do well in front of people - even if i have worked with them for a number of years - cue more Valdispert). Once that was done I went into panic mode again. Popped a few more pills (they are herbal and non addictive, not real drugs) and left.

When I got there my mother in law wasn't... This put me back a little - when you are bracing yourself for emotional overload and it doesn't happen it can hit you quite hard. Spoke to my sister in law (who has spoken to her mother about me since I last saw her on Saturday) who said I shouldn't be worried, whilst she would have preferred me to say everything before I married her daughter she knows it wasn't some deliberate scheme to ruin her life...

When she turned up (my mother in law that is) we said hello and kissed (as the Dutch do) and that was that. Nothing bad, nothing at all actually. Once I calmed down the evening went very well.

Towards the end of the evening my sister in law (ever the subtle person) asked if the pills had worked for the evening. My mother in law simply asked why I needed those and said I shouldn't worry.

When we gave her a lift home and said goodbye she just told me that everything will be alright.

Everyone in the family has said not to worry about my father in law - as he won't say anything either positive or negative as he just doesn't talk about things, and that he is also fine. I'm still nervous before meeting him for the first time...

The only thing for me was that *nothing* was said about it. I wonder if more will be said when it's just me and Mrs Stace - an actual conversation about it, or if it's just there now and so be it...

Breakdown...

I'm completely spent this morning.

I actually slept very well last night, Mrs Stace suggested that I take Valdispert to help keep me calm over the next week or two and I think it calmed me down enough to sleep.

This morning though I was terrible. She made a comment / asked me an 'interesting' question (not in a nasty way, and I didn't take it in a nasty way) to which I gave her an honest answer - so far so good.

Then I broke down in the shower. My head just kept going through worst case scenario over and over. It took many attempts to button up my shirt as my hands were shaking so much (shaking hands is also a problem I have a lot, but this was excesive).

Then I was on the verge of tears the whole 35 miles to the office - except for the time when she was on the phone (built in, not holding on to anything except the steering wheel!). It got much better until she hung up. I ended up crying 10 mins before the office, it actually released an amount of pressure. After being a very emotional child always being told that I should not cry I find it very hard to do now - I guess I need to learn to accept it...

I'm now worried that she is going to stop making comments - I've told her not to - seeing as this was the way I reacted to the first one...

Whilst I guessed that it would be hard to go through telling her, I never expected it to affect *me* this much. I dread to think what she is going through.

And I have a major headache - which paracetamol is not clearing up at the moment.

I think I am going to have a sit down with my boss and explain that I am going through some hard personal issues at the moment, and that I may need fresh air from time to time.

Update: I just made an appointment with my GP tomorrow (something that Mrs Stace suggested I do)... And now feel really sick.

Best laid plans...

Well two posts in one week...

Thanks to all the advice from Saturdays post, I did think long and hard about how / if I should tell her and had *started* to work out a plan. Unfortunately my body decided to get in the way...

About 11pm last night in bed I had quite a panic attack, by my estimation my heartbeat got to the 120 plus stage, I couldn't lie still and started to have issues breathing - when that happened earlier in the year I ended up in A&E being pumped full of Valium so that I could breath again, and off of work for a week to get over the effects of said Valium.

She asked what was wrong, I told her. Everything.

So far she has been great, I am just terrified of if that changes.

She is wonderful, and everything to me - and I hope that she knows how much I love her.

When the details of last night are less murky in my head (only managed two hours of sleep last night) I may elaborate on this cryptic post. But I think I have to get them right first.

Again thanks to all for your support as well.

Appologies for the poorly structured post.

Wednesday Morning 3am

Well Saturday morning 7am... But still too early to be up and doing stuff.

To begin with appologies for the Americanism that's about to follow but I cant think of an appropriate English phrase :)

It's been a hell of a week

In the office it was a little sombre as you can imagine - slowly getting back to normal towards the end. There was a rememberance book for those who wanted to sign, but in the beginning it was on his desk - and I just can't do emotions publically.

It was moved after the first day to a private room, and on Wednesday when I got to the office I went and left my message. I welled up as I wrote it, just a simple couple of lines.

On the personal issues front things have changed a lot in the last couple of weeks. The epiphany from a couple of weeks ago came from reading Calies profile. Trans, non-transitioning, happily married.

After 30 years of knwoing, but not quite totally accepting myself this just jumped at me. And caused some more sleepless nights.

My issue now is that my better half knows about my dressing, and I think has an idea that it goes further. But I haven't told her everything. I'm ashamed of the last, but got scared. I really want to tell her everything - and I think that I have to for the sake of my head - but the thought of doing it terrifies me. When we first talked of the dressing she said it could never go further as she does not want a relationship with a woman. Whether she means transitioned or not I don't know.

I would not transition - I have too much invested in my life to do that, but I do not know what she would make of full disclosure... Sorry I'm starting to ramble here.

I did however come out to a friend. In totalness. More sleepless nights. But he has been fantastic - I'm not the first person he knows who is trans, and he actually acted exactly the same as I did when a uni friend came out to me. As in not making a big deal about it. I've been wanting to say it for a while - but finally plucked up the courage.

He's gay and when we go drinking it's normally in his local - a gay bar - where they have a screen with pictures of parties on the wall. A few of the people who go to the bar parties are also drag queens - I joked that maybe they should learn how to wear a dress (rather too much on display... - not *that* much but too much - but I digress). I had decided that I was going to do it and asked him to walk to the station with me.

On the way I told him I had something I needed to say - to which he responded that he had a feeling I had something to say for a while.

I went on to say I pointed out the guys who needed to learn how to wear a dress was... Because I knew how to wear one.

'Oh is that all'

'No... not really'

'Oh no, poor you'

He said that he was honoured that I trusted him enough to tell him, and let me know that it was safe with him and any time I needed someone to talk to he was there. Oddly enough he' had head issues himself recently and I said exactly the same thing to him.

Unfortunately at that point my train turned up and I had to leg it. I got a couple of supportive SMS's from him on the way home. Which I had to delete as we both share the phones at night if we need to send / receive an SMS and I'm not ready to tell her that I've come out to someone else yet.

We've spoken since. I said I was surprised that nobody had questioned anything. I've noticed reently that my mannerisms have changed a little. Plus I shave my arms and hands weekly and have an emeryboard on my desk, and I now have slightly long nails that are shaped a little... He just said he had an idea of something - but not how much.

I'm still in two minds about whether it was a good idea. It feels great to have offloaded it after 30 years, a weight has been lifted. It's nice to be able to talk about it. But someone now knows my secret, and I I always have this nagging doubt that talking about things is self obsessed - when I do it - I'll happily listen to others as much as they need, just feel that I am encroaching on others when I do it. (and with that an appology for long self obsessed post...)

Anyway - I hope this post doesn't read too negative. I actuallly see this week as a positive week. Apart from the lack of sleep due to a brain that is working overtime, I feel all the better for it.

And on a techy last note I have to recomend a remote from logitech. The Harmony 525. We got one last night , spent a long time programming it for all the tasks that we have (Watch TV, Watch a BluRay, Listen to the radio etc etc etc). It works great. You point it at the tv system and it does everything for you in one click of a button. As opposed to many clicks of many remotes that we had previously. Well worth the money, and it's great to have one remote instead of 7. Looks kind of classy too as opposed to some of the other universal remotes you can get.

Appologies again for the super long post. Once I started typing I found it hard to stop...

BTW: If any of you haven't already - I recommend this on Bree's blog. I thought it was a very interesting piece.

(Lyrics: Simon and Garfunkle)

Time for something a little more serious

You know what... When I started this blog I thought it was going to be a place where I could be my en-femme self without any worries.

But, in the time since I created it on Friday I've changed the name three times as I just don't know what I want from it. It's the first time that I've actually come out to the world that I am in fact a tgirl - although the fact that it's an unknown, anonymous blog actually helps matters :)

I’ve found that reading other TG blogs over the years has helped enormously. I just wish that I could pass something back on to others. The courage that others have shown in coming out amazes me - where you find it I do not know. I have to say though - whilst I long to have to courage to actually do it, I don't think I ever could. On top of my lack of courage in others understanding, I have a kind of immovable object, unstoppable force kind of problem. My other half knows about what I do - but she is not totally happy with it. She accepts it as long as she is not involved and it's kept totally private. She is also the world to me - and nothing on this earth could make me do something that would in any way jeapodize my relationship with her. On the other hand I have this nagging pressure in my head about what I am and what to do about it. Most of the time I have to say it's not so much of an issue. Other times, like recent weeks, it's hell - and so terribly lonely, stressful and confusing.

I think that in reflection this blog will tip between three areas - my love of gadgets, my en-femme side, and these moments where even writing the above and admitting it to myself outloud as it were helps a little...

To try and finish on a brighter note... The dress is still there to look at :)