Sometimes it's the simple things...

Just a really quick post... (I've been writing and proof reading my Live CV for the last week and I need to turn off this screen!)

Today was therapy day - and there was a high and a low...

The low was when turning up in Amsterdam.  My confidence has been quite high recently - and today was thankfully no exception.  Until I arrived and parked the car.  The street was very busy and I totally screwed up the parallel parking (and I thought I was improving there as well - in Hilversum I got it into a spot with no problems whatsoever!).  I had seen when lining up for parking that I was next to a block of flats, and there were a few tracksuited, baseball wearing caps and working on a scooter engine.  I panicked a little at that point - which really annoyed me as I was fine until that point and there was no reason to panic!

I eventually got the car into the fairly massive (certainly for Amsterdam!) spot, took some deep breaths and got out of the car.  Shoulders back, head high and pretended I had the confidence like I did when I was just staring this path.  In the end everything went fine and I just should not have worried!  Quite annoyed with myself...

The good!  The very good!

As Mrs Stace was working in the office today I picked her up at the train station to save her catching the bus home.  We had planned on pasta, but had forgotten the mushrooms.  So we went shopping.  Together, me as Stacy.  And she was less nervous than I was!  She even suggested our local supermarket to save wasting money on parking in the town centre.  A very successful trip, no looks and we got the mushrooms we were looking for.

And Mrs Stace was also fine.

A very good end to the day!  And from such a simple thing as buying a pack of mushrooms!

Stace

Nothing, Nothing, Slow, QUICK QUICK QUICK

About 12 months ago I had my intake appointment at the VU gender clinic.  they said at the time that it would take about 9 months to get the next appointment...

Now my therapist had already warned me that it takes longer than the 9 months that they try to stick to, so it wasn't too bad that it took longer than we initially thought.  My therapy was going well, and to be honest the delay was just giving me a chance to go work with my therapist - so it wasn't too bad.

A couple of weeks ago I sent them a mail to see if there was anything known about when my next appointment would be.  Nothing came back (I do know just how stressed and overworked they are so I am not overly annoyed by that)  so I called them on Monday and was told they had to find my files and that they would call me back.  On Wednesday I called them again and was told that they had a planning meeting for the psychiatrists and I would be called back today to make an appointment.  Result!

So at 11:50 I excused myself form the team lead meeting I was in (actually at that point the discussion was about a part of the system that I have nothing to do with, and no knowledge of so it wasn't too bad - and I had warned my boss that if I hadn't had a call by that time I would be making the call).

I got through with a few minutes to spare, the phone lines are unmanned after midday so you have to call in the morning, and was asked can you come on Monday at 3pm?

The same thing happened for the intake appointment - wait for a while and then suddenly 'can you come tomorrow'.

So now I am a bag of nerves...  I'm going to work from home on Monday morning and then leave from here, rather than sitting in the office first.

Down side...  I managed to get an appointment a couple of days after laser - when it's difficult to shave and get a nice look on my chin...  Oh well, beggars can't be choosers I suppose...

I've also been trying to break a few more barriers today (one of those barriers I have to break is thinking of everything as a barrier I suppose).

My new toy was delivered to the shop today (Mrs Staces laptop is dying so I have replaced mine and am handing mine down to her).  I was actually happy that it was today - it meant an excuse to take a trip on the way to therapy as it's just down the road.  So Stacy picked the laptop up.  I should have really ordered it under her name as well really - every time I was on the phone to them they thought I was my wife anyway.  Live and learn!  In the shop I had no issues though.

Outside I had a few.  There were some workers digging the street up next to the door of the shop.  In the middle of an industrial estate (200 euros cheaper than buying from a high street shop) I could have done without it.  I got comments.  Positive comments (as Mrs Stace and my therapist have pointed out - 'Lekker Ding'), but they did make me feel uncomfortable.  I have never had that before - I guess you have to get used to it.

Then afterwards I decided to break the petrol station barrier.  I don't know why, but filling up with fuel has always worried me as Stacy.  So I thought whilst I am on a roll, why not just do it!  There was a station nearby so I filled up.  Also no issues - absolutely normalcy :)  Except that in the middle of a windswept industrial estate I had to keep hold on to the hem of my skirt to stop it flying!

All in all a great day :)

Now breathe!

Work, Therapy and Shopping!

This week has been terrible in the office…  I have been exhausted with the pain in my jaw (though thankfully it's now gone completely), and have simply been too busy doing unplanned work – no matter how much time I block in my agenda someone always comes and asks if I can unblock it, and there is normally a good reason for it; it’s just a shame that it doesn't help the things that are always on the back burner.  As a result I fall further and further behind with the tasks that are not less important - just less urgent...

Friday was the worst day or the week for me.  There was a problem with a project: poor inter-departmental communication and misuse of tools that have made it almost impossible to keep track of.  The person involved sent a mail saying that this was an example of why we need to change things and so I tried to arrange a meeting to discuss it.  No going, ‘I don’t want to be involved.’  My boss however made an appointment anyway and we had a discussion – I already have the solution outline that fits in the direction that the development team wants to take anyway.  This got a warm response from most involved in the meeting and I am going to fill out the outline with to something I can go over with the developers and project teams next week.  I'm doing this from home on Monday to ensure that I can actually do the work - and not spend my time on the unplanned things - it's the only way to ensure that it will actually get done.

Then in the afternoon I had to help the other development team change on of our import applications.  I was not impressed that this needed doing – the people involved shout very loudly, and constantly that they are senior developers and demand to be treated as such.  If you are going to make these statements loudly then I think it’s a good idea to follow it up with actions and when debugging a very simple application it shouldn’t take the two of them working for a week, plus a half day of my time.  Since becoming team lead I have not coded that much, and whilst I still read code fine, I am not a fully geeked up techie anymore – and yet I had the layout of the code in my head inside an hour, and I was actually deciphering the details as I was explaining it to the coders.  And still it was not coming across and I had to keep going over how the application was built, and why I thought that lines written along the lines of 'Product.CompanyName = xmlDoc.FindNode("CompanyName");' fills the product company name from the XML document field 'CompanyName'.  I am not the best teacher in the world (I just don't have the patience to be honest) but I just can't help thinking that the code was fairly self explanatory - we do have some seriously complex code and this just isn't it.

When I eventually got back to my teams room ‘Air on a G String’ was playing, I had the guy who controls the music rewind it to the start and turn it up and just sat in the corner, eyes closed practicing a breathing exercise to get rid of the stress - the people involved don't just say 'I don't get it' they argue that you can't be right, over and over again.  I could have had a better end to the week...

Earlier in the week was not so bad. On Thursday I had another therapy session – it was a very relaxing session this time, discussing the shopping trip last week; how it made both me and Mrs Stace feel.  I think that one of the biggest changes after the trip was actually evident just before the session.  I went to my friends flat to get changed and there were absolutely no nerves when leaving, or when walking in Amsterdam, or when coming home.  For the first time I was completely comfortable for the whole time – to the point that it was not until afterwards that I realised that it was not a problem.  :)

Of course one disappointment from last week was that we didn’t manage to get everything that we wanted (well, actually, all we managed to find was a summer coat for me!  And then it went cold again so I couldn’t even wear it on Thursday!).  Mrs Stace managed to correct that slightly yesterday when we went shoe shopping – she got herself a lovely pair of low heeled shoes for spring.  I’m thinking of getting the same shoes in grey. We actually went in for shoes for me, I had seen some lovely ones in a catalogue that came through the post, but in real life I am not so sure.  I have to go back as Stacy and actually try them on and see how they look I think - maybe they are completely different on than they look sitting on a shelf...

Today we are going to go in for an online shopping trip – I have seen a couple of really nice outfits on zara.nl that I am thinking of getting for spring, and Mrs Stace is going to try and see if she can find something as well :)

What I need...

Apparently I need more self-confidence.  That is something that my therapist said to me during my last session.  He also said don’t worry it’ll come…  We’ll see.

The situation came from my trips out a few weeks ago.  The Tuesday went fine, the Wednesday I had a terrible day.  Worried, panicking and just wondering what the hell I was doing with my life.  We deconstructed that in the session and we came to the Tuesday evening.  If you ready the post from then you’ll see that I had a great night – and I stand by that I did.

There was just one thing that got to me.  We were sitting eating and the guy who does the cooking in the café on a Tuesday came up and asked if we wanted anything else to drink.  And asked does *he* want anything else.  He has met me a few times before meeting Stacy, and I know that there was nothing to it except for habbit.  But it kind of deflated me a little, and I think that the following day it just got me really down.

Where does the confidence come into it?  My therapist told me that I should have corrected him – but I just don’t have the confidence to get into possible confrontational situations.  I’m sure he would have not caused one – but… Oh well, learning point I suppose.

Stace

Unintentional trip

Today was my first therapy session since the beginning of February - through my therapists vacations and my own trip to Leicetser last week.

I had to remember to leave on time today as i needed to recharge my chip card; bank cards over here have a chip that you can move money to (rather than having cash) and the parking meeters in Amsterdam only accept that form of payment.

I should have done it this morning on the way to work, but with the ice this morning it completely slipped my mind.  So I managed to leave on time, stopped at the shops and found the machine out of order.  It would tell me how much I still had on my card (about a euro less than I needed) but would not allow me to recharge it. A quick trip into a shop to ask where there was another charge point and I found it it was too far away to do before I got ready.

And that it was in a busy shopping street.  Gulp, had to happen at some point.  So get ready (hair went wildly wrong, and only after a lot of work could I bring it back to eighties pop video - not great, but doable) and I was off. 

Well nearly...  When leaving my friends house and locking up his door I heard one of his neighbours coming in, that threw me a little.  Nothing to do but just get on with it, so I locked up and left.  Got the the final flight of strairs saw his neighbour, said hello.  And nearly went flying as I missed a step with my heel.  But he was a nice and checked that I was OK (I was, don't worry, I only slipped - I didn't actually fall).  I made a joke and was on my way.

Got to the street, and...  Nothing.  It was a complete non event.  I parked, changed out of my driving shoes, walked to the machine, waited to use it and went back.  No second looks, no sniggering and no comments.  :)  Just the type of sudden outing that was great to build some more confidence.

Stace

Winter Wonderland…

Well you have had it in the UK for a while now, but this week the snow hit Holland as well.  Two days before the garage were due to swap my tyres to my winter ones.  Thankfully the car behaves wonderfully in this weather, and the most important (and busy) roads are so well maintained that they were just wet – stopping wasn’t a problem.  The side streets were more treacherous – but without the volume of traffic they were more than doable with a little care when slowing down.  I must admit to playing somewhat on the empty roads and especially in the office car park which is also empty when I arrive at 7ish :)

Wednesday I got my winter tyres and playing had to stop (they just grip too well).  Good timing too – yesterday the snow started in earnest (5cm since 9am this morning!  It’s 11:45 as I write this).  We are going for Sint Klas today with my neice and nephew – having enough grip is something I am pleased about.

The poor rabbit is having a time of it.  She’s getting old now (just turned 9) and her hip is starting to play up.  So instead of living in the snow as she has done in the past years she is spending a lot of time in her bedroom buried under piles of straw.  According to the vet we are fine to leave her there as long as she eats and drinks still (she is).  The cat is just going mad as he doesn’t like the cold.  He runs out in the morning to do his stuff and comes back within a couple of minutes and spends the rest of the day inside pining to go out, but refusing to go out in the cold.  As such he’s busy having lots of mad half hours to burn his excess energy.

Outside of that it’s been a tough week…  Things have been interesting between Mrs Stace and me this week.  On two fronts, the shopping – which was possibly too much too soon for her, and my body image.  The first lead to a little iciness, nothing major – but it was a little uncomfortable for both of us.

The second issue caused a much bigger problem this week.  As I may have written before, I have a serious problem with body image.  At 5’10” and 73KG / 11.5 stone (last time I checked) I am not overweight.  But when I look in the mirror that is not what I see by a long stretch.  I am very aware of the path that I am treading here and I make sure that I eat enough (to be honest I also like unhealthy food) even if I feel really guilty about it afterwards.  This was brought up somehow during a meal this week which caused Mrs Stace to get angry at me obessing and me to get upset and walk off.  She came after me and we had a discussion about it (healthy discussion, not arguing) and after I calmed down we finished food.  We both discussed these issues with our therapists this week – and they both said the same thing about it.

The problems causing the arguments are not the cause of the arguments – Mrs Stace is not in competition with me regarding my clothes or anything else.  Rather she is probably feeling that my femininity is threatening hers.  The things that trigger the arguments are typically female things.  And she is supposed to be in the female role, me having those issues can make her think that she is being forced into the male role.  It’s something that we have to work through, and no doubt is going to take an amount of work from both of us.

On the subject of my body image my therapist told me I’m text book.  The way that he explained it to me is that I can’t expect to just be unhappy with ‘those’ parts of my body that are obvious, and teenage body image problems (when mine started) can be caused by not wanting the body to grow up.  Girls have this when they start to get bigger, and in my case I just don’t want the body to change to be an adult male (makes sense to me).  Without me telling him more than saying I have bad body image he managed to tell me exactly what goes through my mind with it – makes me think that he is on to something there…  He also said that I *have* to watch my weight.  I am not allowed to lose any weight at all, and I have to make sure that I don’t over exercise.  Once a week I have to weigh myself and make a note of it, and response accordingly should I start to lose any more.  He also said that should I transition I need the weight I have, and should expect (and need) to put on another 5KG or so.  Wonderful…  He did also say that if I transitioned I would likely lose the body image issues as my body started to change – I’m not sure how I feel about that as it just adds more weight to my need to transition.

On a bright side he did compliment me on my ability to pick clothes that suit me – it’s nice to know that the clothes I pick are not marking me out when walking down the street.  Which is a wonderful bridge to a nice close; I managed to speak to a complete stranger with confidence this week whilst out as Stacy.  For the first time I actually felt comfortable doing it – and I got a pleasant smile and hello back.  Just a stranger passing in the street – but it felt great.

And on that good note I’ll call it a day.  Hope that you all have a good weekend, and that you manage to enjoy the winter weather without it having too much negative impact!

Stace

Deep Cleaning

Well that was a busy week...  We are getting ready for my parents visit (they arrive this week) so that means a deep clean of the house from the attic down to the living room.  The garden is currently full of old furniture and belongings, waiting to be taken to the tip once we can get a trailer organised (there is too much to throw into the back of the car – even a Volvo estate :p).

I decided to use this as an excuse to really empty the attic.  Anything that has not been used since we moved into the house 5 ½ years ago, or anything that has been superseded by newer gadgets has gone.  I found the carpet again (I’d not seen that for a while) and the space looks huge now (at half emptied) whereas before it looked tiny and you had to climb over everything to get to anything.  It got quite painful at times.  I am still suffering from the after effects thought.  The amount of dust in an attic is amazing and even after a night’s sleep I’m still sneezing and blowing my nose every few seconds.

The cat hates me as well.  The attic is his place – he hides there when he wants to get away from it all, and sleeps there.  Cats hate change, and it’s totally different now.  I got some nasty looks from him yesterday!

I’ve also found a lot of tools that I thought I’d lost.  I have to inventorize what I have left now, and figure out what I’ve lost over the last couple of years and what I need to buy again...

I had another appointment with the therapists this week.  I actually managed to almost remember everything this week – just forgot my ear rings, no big deal there.  He had a slot free at 6 this week so I didn’t have to miss any time from work.  However, the amount of stress that it delivers just isn’t worth it – instead of a couple of spots where you slow down I stopped completely on the motorway and took twice as long as normal to get there.  I’d given myself 30 minutes extra and was still 5 minutes late...  I’ve gone back to 5 o’clock appointments now – sure I have to make up another hour at work but at least I am stress free for the start of the appointment.

It was a good trip though, and I have really started to build my confidence.  Just as I was about to leave my friends flat, where I get changed, he had a knock on the door.  KPN (telephone company) bringing the tech required to get his fibre connection working.  My first thought was to panic, but after a couple of seconds I calmed down, picked up my bags and walked to the car.  It was fine, and I am certainly getting more confident being around people.

And it was a great appointment this week.  I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but it was a very uplifting and reassuring session.  In short according to my therapist I have to stop being quite so nice (apparently I’m too English – go figure), I have to start using more extreme language (not swearing, but stop with using ‘Interesting’, ‘fun’ and ‘a bit difficult’ when I mean terrible, awful, wonderful, fantastic etc).  The other thing that he has said is that I must start to take credit for things.  I call myself lucky, not for having GD, but for having the life I have.   He has told me that I should stop saying lucky (it plays a part, but is not the be all and end all) and start looking at what I have done to get here throughout my life.

OK another days cleaning, and then count the hours till my parent s touch down at Schiphol!  I can’t wait to see them again, talking on the phone just isn’t the same...

Wonderful day

Wow, I didn’t realise I had left it this long since my last post...  I’d hoped to have finished my travelogue by now, but various things have happened so I have just not had time.  So this is going to be a little out of time.

Another therapy session, another trip out as Stacy, the session went well, but there are a couple of things that stood out for me.

He said that the way that I come across, in personality and mannerisms as nothing but female, and even with the issues that anyone not on hormones and not zapped is going to have (facially etc) it’s something that disappears quickly when in conversation and personality makes the other things shrink into the background.  That was really nice to hear :)

The other thing good thing was as I was leaving, I had on the outfit I brought with the money from my sister-in-law for my birthday.  These include a pair of ankle boots, with a bit of a heel.  He asked me to be careful on them, I said that it wasn’t too bad except for maybe my height – about 185cm (ish) in the heels.  He looked me up and down and said in Holland it’s not that bad (to be fair I was still shorter than him :)

And lastly…  I felt great today on the way to therapy.  Not having gone out for a few weeks I was a little nervous again.  I managed to forget my handbag so I had to lug my rucksack around instead and I forgot my razor and had to borrow a disposable one from my friend who’s flat I use and hope not to rip my face apart (almost managed it)  But after I left his flat, I was on seventh heaven.  It just felt great to be me again.  Happy, even managed to look some of the other rush hour drivers in the eye instead of trying to hide my head when driving this time.  Great end to the day :)

Anyway, my wine glass is empty, and Mrs Stace wants the computer to check something online so I’m stopping here…

Normal service soon, I hope…

Another long post I'm afraid...

(I started this on Sunday but didn’t quite get around to finishing it – let’s try again now)

Well the last week has been a bit of a mix...  Ups, downs, and some oh my god moments.

And excuse me if I ramble a bit, I had my yearly BBQ with friends and colleagues last night and am recovering from the after effects a bit.  Both of too much wine, and too little sleep.  I’ve had 6 espressos so far this morning and I think that there are more to come. (note: there were another couple after this point)

Earlier this week I went to a friend’s house to help him with TFS 2010.  His company is going to start using it and they have asked me to consult on their implementation of it.  This friend knows about Stacy and his wife is a hair dresser – so I asked if she would be prepared to style my hair in a way that I can wear both ways.  My inspiration is Sharon Small (from The Inspector Lindley Mysteries).  I have a bit of a fringe, but whereas my normal hair dresser will cut it round no matter what I try to ask for it’s now cut so a little flatter giving me more cover.  She then told me where I need to grow it, and what she thinks you can get away with as a man, whilst still having enough hair to style for Stacy.  And then showed me the tricks of the trade for styling – I need to practice, but I’m getting there.

Friday came, and time for my third trip as Stacy in the outside world.  The day was not great – we had a big move in the office and I was conscious of trying not to work that hard that I started to sweat – difficult when I was responsible for organising it and making sure things went to the right place, and then at lunch I got a view of just how harsh some people’s views can be.

We have a very multi cultural department – Polish, Indian, French, Turkish to name but a few.  The Polish guy and Indian guys, whilst being nice enough day to day, have quite intolerant views when it comes to various things.  Before I arrived at the table the others had started a discussion on whether homosexual couples should be able to adopt children.  To say that they are against would be an understatement, going as far to say it’s better to be in an orphanage than have two parents of the same sex.

Then the Indian managed to shock even the Polish guy.  ‘You never know in 50 years they may even have a pill to cure it’.  Much discussion ensues, and to his credit when someone asks how he would feel if someone made a pill to cure his skin colour (as it’s different from European skin – his argument against homosexuality is that it’s different) he says ‘Yes, maybe in the future they’ll do that’.  The conversation moved on and someone brings up inter-sexed and trans people. I just knew that someone was going to, but was wishing that they wouldn’t.  I made a few comments, but kept quiet for the most part.  Thankfully others didn’t.  His reaction got to me though.  “That’s the real abomination isn’t it?”  Christ

So that set the tone for the afternoon stepping out again.  I struggled with the make-up and hair. And when I went it seemed as if the whole world had decided to leave their house at the same time.  I made myself walk head high, but my confidence was shot inside.  Being in an outfit I had never tried before and with a new hairstyle didn’t help either.

I spoke about it with my therapist and he seemed to think that my keeping quiet was not a bad idea; that for now letting others do the talking is a good way to go.  We also talked about my issue with filling up with fuel as Stacy.  He suggested a three step plan – fill and let someone else pay, fill and pay with someone in the car and then when comfortable just do it.  I’ll have to give that a try.

The good things...  One was more phone calls where I was Madame’d every call (I’ve been looking for a new phone and was ringing shops for availability) and the other was a child in a car looking directly at me in the car without freaking – OK I have no children but if a child was freaked by the man make-up I would have expected a longer look out of the back window as the car pulled away from me or getting the attention of her brother / parents to show them the ‘freak’ (for want of a better word, I’m appreciate I’m putting words in people heads here and it’s possibly not fair).  Little things I know, but after the day I had had they were very welcome.

Monday was not great – but I’ll go over that another time...

And to finish on a good note...  I went back to my friends to go over some more functionality of TFS 2010.  He and his wife have been very nice.  Actually that sounds very contrite.  They have been wonderful.  Whilst we were speaking about the Monday incident my friend gave me a great compliment.  ‘You don’t have a big bones, you don’t have a manly nose or chin and you have wonderful eyes.’ (The discussion was about how he will react when he see’s Stacy for the first time)  And when I was leaving I got a compliment on my small feet from his wife.  And...  To top it off...  I’m not ready to get my ears pierced, and can’t find any clip-on’s or magnetic ear rings locally.  I just got a call whilst typing this and his wife saw some that she thought would look good on me and asked me if I wanted her to pick them up :)

I guess I'm still a bit of a wimp

This week is therapy week, so Stacy gets to go out again.  There is the positive, I'm looking forard to it (both the stepping out and the therapy session).

But I find myself doing all things to try and make life simpler, that I feel I should not be.  Last night was an example of this.  For various reasons I've been taking the car to work everyday so far this week, I prefer to only use it one or two times a week and use either the motorbike or trains the other days.  So with 60+ miles a day commuting the fuel is dissapearing fast.  I sat in the car yesterday morning trying to calculate likely journeys, likely congestion for the journeys and what fuel I'll need.  There was a possibility that I would need to get fuel on Friday.  I decided I'm not ready for interaction as Stacy just yet and so filled up the car yesterday - which should give me enough to see Tuesday next week.

I feel like such a wimp for doing that...  When does the getting easier start...

Second outing

Sorry folks, but I think that this is going to be a long one – congrats and thanks to those than continue :)

I had a lot to think about today with my second therapy session as Stace.  Most of it was even good…

I worked today, and so had to get changed from a friend’s house, rather than going from home.  This meant that my ruck sack was sitting my desk all day full of my stuff.  I know that no one would, but I was worried about someone looking into it.  I would have left it in the car, but it also had the car documents and my work things in it.

I left to get changed, my friend was already there (good job as there are sets of doors in his block of flats and I always get it wrong by one).  I went to the bathroom and started to get ready.  Nervous didn’t come into it.  I had kind of figured that the nerves would be less the second time around.  I was quite wrong.  Especially getting reading in someone else’s house.  I did yell to him that it was strange to be doing my nails there…  Seeing as I am going to be going from there most weeks I guess I had better get used to it :)

Finished getting ready, and was actually reasonably happy with the results for once; though with the heat my hair collapsed almost immediately…  Right…  Time for the third person who knows me to see Stace…  I went for the plaster approach, took a deep breath, walked into his living room and said ‘Tadah!  This is me, what do you think’.  I got a nice compliment back. We sat chatting for a while and then it was time to leave.  I managed to walk to the car, load the boot with all my bags of stuff (I’d done a Lynn and taken two outfits in case I lost the nerve to go with the new one I brought this week).  Thanks Dave, it was much appreciated

The journey there went much smoother than the first time I think.  No nerves, and I could actually use the clutch immediately and the airco was working today.  Half way there I was overtaken by a car full of yoofs who were looking in my direction laughing with big silly grins on their faces.  Crap.  Then they went past and kept the same stupid grins, but were no longer looking at me.  A quick glance and I saw a Ford Mustang Shelby Tried driving on the motorway slip road which is what they were looking at.  When I got there I was amazed at how many people there were around.  This was going to be no walk in a near empty street as last time.  Parked.  Eventually.  The only space was a little longer than the V50, and I have never been good at parallel parking.  I may have worn out the power steering pump going backwards and forwards but I got in.  Problem now was the group of teenage lads that made me decide not to use the closest parking machine last week were standing one car in front of me.  Yes I was nervous.  Swapped my shoes and went to the parking machine.  That was broken.  This meant that I actually had to walk past the group of lads to go to the machine I turned down last time.  Got a ticket suddenly feeling really obvious and a more than little exposed.  Walked back past the group to put the ticket in the car; it was about this point that I realised I hadn’t actually seen anyone take notice – I had made myself walk with more confidence that I really had.  Head high, shoulders back and walk normally.  Locked the car and walked to the therapist’s office.  I’ll admit I was walking there worried about what would be done to the car whilst I was gone.  Nothing, thankfully.  As Mrs Stace pointed out considering it was on the street of my therapist, who deals exclusively with trans people, I am not the first transwoman to have walked there.  And also made me realise that maybe I need to leave behind the place I grew up in and maybe have a little more faith in the world.  Then again when a friend of ours did that she had her bike stolen whilst she was taking putting her son on the ground after taking him off the bike.

Had a great session with the therapist today, he complimented handling the things above.  Though did laugh at my parking.  He hadn’t realised it was me, and assumed it was the mother of his neighbour going backwards and forwards.  He called me Stacy when answering the door.  He’s the only person who calls me that, even when dressed.  It’s nice to hear :)

There were a few points to think about leaving today.  One is my weight.  He complimented me on my photo in my passport.  I hate it, I look fat.  He disagrees.  He also pointed out that trying to get back to the weight I was when I was 18 is not healthy (I know that, doesn’t stop me wanting it), and that a BMI of 20 (OK actually I want 19) is at the edge of healthy, not optimal and that 22.5 is what I should be aiming for if I want a target.  I know that too.  That would be another 5 or 6 KG’s less than I am at the moment.  Something, that I had not really considered, is what happens in the future.  *If* I decide to transition I need an amount of body fat for the hormones to do their thing.  Getting down to 55KG would mean that there would not be enough body fat for things to develop as they should (that’s whole body, not just the obvious).  I guess I need to remember that and try and aim for 22.5 and stay there.  In case you can’t tell from the text I am not completely sure of that, but I have to try…

 The other thing that stuck in my head is something that had not crossed my mind.  Ever.  I was wearing a new outfit, trousers, top and jacket.  He noted that I had trousers on, and that there was no bulge.  He asked what I did to stop the bulge, as he was concerned I had read up on ways to hide it which include doing things which sound far too painful for me to even consider.  He went on to explain that, again, if I transition then they need good quality material for the op.  Using some of the methods on the net, or making everything too tight, damages blood vessels, nerves and other things which makes surgeons lives that little bit more interesting (read difficult) and so I was warned against it (I’m not going into details, but I don’t do those things), and that these complications sit on top of normal health implications of doing this.  Who’d have thought there were reasons for sticking with skirts for now?

The trip home was fairly uneventful, the car was still in one piece, the roads clear and no neighbours again thankfully.  (I say thankfully as my therapist thinks I am doing enough to progress without having to deal with neighbours just yet, if it happens it happens, but not something to wish for at the moment).  As it was still nice weather we decided to eat in the garden, which meant changing back into male clothes and taking my face off.  Before I started doing that I looked at myself in the mirror and had one of those rare moments when I was actually really happy with what was looking back.  Really happy, I ended up staring I have to admit.  I took the make-up off and surprised myself again. I was still happy (not with any gender association) with what I saw, for once I looked good. And with nowhere to go :)

Didn’t last long of course, by the time I went to bed it had gone.  But at least I had it for a while…

Stacy Steps Out

Well the travelogue is going to have to wait...  I thought that I would go with the visit to my therapist this week...

I decided to go as Stace.  This is the first time I have left the house as Stace.  My therapist offered a room to get ready there instead of driving there fully dressed but I just couldn’t do that.  Everybody who knows has told me that having GID is nothing to be ashamed of.  That has taken some working into my head.  To then run around in man mode before changing is not something that fits with that, and would just enforce the whole thing that it is something to be embarrassed and feel guilty about.  I run the risk of running into my neighbours of course, but that is something that Mrs Stace is more concerned about that I am.  I do feel guilty about it for her...

I started to get ready thinking I was going to be late, and ended up being far too early worrying that my make up was going to run before I even left the house. I managed to do my nails before the shakes started (thankfully) but did poke myself in the eye with the mascara brush again once they did.

The first 10 minutes after leaving the house were the worst.  I had to fight the urge to check the street from upstairs and *run* to the car so I could hide behind the steering wheel.  Managed it, got in changed into shoes more suitable for driving and got going.  I was shaking that much that I had to pull up around the corner and breath for a few seconds before continuing, and struggled with the clutch for a while (a T5 clutch, in unfamiliar shoes, and shaking uncontrollably is not the easiest...)  Getting stuck in traffic in town was not fun, and I began to wonder if I had done the right thing – I wanted blacked out windows whilst standing t red lights...

Got to the motorway and started to relax.  By the time I was halfway there it was just wonderful to finally be out in the world as me.  Until the airco decided to shut down again (it’s been playing up since Leicester) and I was worried about getting out of the car soaked...

Parked up with no issues and went looking for a parking machine to buy a ticket.  That was the only real test of the day.  There was a crowd of burly teenagers around one machine and I thought better of using that one and walked a little further in order to avoid them.  I have to say that walking 1/2km in heels is different than walking around the house – but I coped :)

On the way back to the car I got a look from a woman going into a house just a couple of doors down from my therapists.  Was it a *LOOK* or merely a glance that I misinterpreted as I was feeling a little venerable.  (My therapist thinks it’s more likely to be the latter).

The session went well; we spent the time discussing my family and their reactions over the vacation time in the UK.  He complimented me on the outfit and said if I walk with confidence I don’t stand out. I must admit that walking past a shop window I thought I looked good until my neck, then it all goes awry – he (and my mum later on the phone) disagreed.  Maybe I just need a little confidence to see it, I don’t know...

He was surprised by my parents, and joked that they are in danger of destroying his image of the uptight Brits not being able to cope with these things...

Going home went well (apart from no air still!) and I managed to get back into the house without my neighbours also being out and about in their front gardens as I parked (I don’t mind too much if they see me, but it’s not something I am relishing).  I spoke about that with my therapist – he asked what I was going to say, and told me to just keep it simple.  Be normal, don’t try to hide, and don’t go into big explanations straight away – just say hi if that’s what you normally do, it’s enough of a big thing in their head without adding to it with heavy explainations.  He pointed out that it’s not something ‘wrong’ or ‘illegal’ and that I wasn’t wearing some ‘out there’ outfit with a red feather boa, but a smart casual skirt and top that wouldn’t be out of place in an office.  Good advice – wonder if I can keep to it?

So first major step as Stace taken...  But I am so glad that I did not have to interact with anyone outside of my therapist – I guess I have to do that at some point, but I am not looking forward to that!

That was good...

I had my first therapy session today, and I have to say it went fantastically.

There was an iffy start with the traffic (travelling into Amsterdam, by car, in rush hour is just not fun).  At one point I had managed 3 mins of the journey, a distance of 2 miles in 15 minutes of traffic.  At that point I started to worry that I would not make it on time.

Then there was parking once I was in Amsterdam.  I found a space on a side street, and then searched for the machine to buy a parking ticket.  Once found (why do they hide these!) I had to buy a ticket - no mean feat on mondern machines.  If you had a voluntary user interface nobody would ever use it.

Anyway I digress.  I got to the building, was let in had a coffee and we sat down and we started. He went though what I can expect from the VU when I eventually start there, and why I can expect it (all the psychology tests etc).

From there we started to speak about me.  I think the most important thing is that we clicked.  In almost no time the hour was up and we were making the next appointment.  And even stranger, and to show how relaxed I was, the whole session was in Dutch - with the exception of one sentence that I didn't know

The next appointment is going to be a little more difficult as it's going to get more personal.  But I am not too nervous.

Yet :)

I've been flying high all afternoon though and am just trying to stay there at the moment.