Sunday, 31 January 2010


Just a short post...

Feeling a little stressed at the moment. Am just about to start the final data pump from an ond system to a new one int he office (hence being online at this time on a Sunday morning).

Are going to see my in laws for the first time since they found out this afternoon. I've been told by my mother in law I don't need my panic pills before I go. I am not so sure. I'll let you know how it goes.

We went to the final kitchen shop yesterday for the last design / quote. Then went to the estate agents to see if it is a good idea if we don't know if we are selling the house (should we not stay together). I have to arrange an appointment for the esate agent to value the house (free service) before they can give us an answer... They said it depends on the rest of the house, and the state of the current kitchen. Both visits kinf of brought home how upside down mine and Mrs Stace lives are at the moment. Buying the kitchen should be an exciting time, not a depressing one.

And finally... I'm sitting here in agony as my tonsils are giving me grief again. I don't know if the stress has set off the tonsils, or if the tonsils have added to the stress.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Another, better, phone call

I got back home on Tuesday evening to an answer phone message from my mum asking how I was. I'm thinking that she guessed I was as upset as them when we had finished the call on Sunday.

I called her back last night when I got in from work, we go to dance lessons on Wednesday and calls with my parents take a long time when we are talking about nothing, let along when it 'something'. So I had to assume she wasn't at work at what would have been really early in the UK.

Thanksfully she was not working afternoons and picked up.

She wondered why I was calling, and took a moment to register that she had left me the message yesterday.

Asked how I was, I said I was fine (typical English response) and followed it with except for on the train on the way home where I almost cried, on the bus where it got closer and walking home when I did cry. She asked why, I said because sometimes I can't see how I can cope not changing, I can't see how Mrs Stace can cope even if I don't and was just seeing everything falling apart. Some days it's really bad, yesterday was one of those days.

She has decided that she should see someone to find out more and to get help (I'm so pleased she has decided to do this) and went through what her and my dad are currently feeling. The word she used, as I have read a lot online, is grieving for her lost son. But she didn't spend any time telling me that I wasn't this call.

She had some questions though to try and help her understand:

1) When I was there over New Year I only shaved a couple of times: How can you stand to have facial hair if you feel that way
2) In the mornings when making coffee you went into the kitchen just wearing trousers, a lady wouldn't do that

Answer to the first was easy - I had forgotten my electric razor, and as my beard (if you can call it that) grows so slowly I can't wet shave more than once every two days. As I went for a special reason I had to time my shaving to travel + those days which meant I could not shave when I wanted.

The second is more problematic. I have a mans body, I have lived for 33 years as male. Whilst I am not comfortable taking my top off in everyday life this was in my parents house at 7 in the morning when getting fully dressed just to get a senseo coffee and go back to bed would have caused comment. Is that thinking normal for someone in my position?

But it wasn't full on contradicting what I think as it was on Sunday.

We then discussed a few other things. Again her saying she wanted to be able to do something pro-active to help me. She is upset that I must have lived such an awful life. I corrected her here. I hated my time in school, that much is true. But I have a job I like, a wife I love, a nice house to live in and a life that in general isn't bad. It it was the the decision to transition would be much simpler, but I have so much good in my life it makes life difficult (I appriciate that's an oxymoron).

We talked about the rock and hard place from this: Don't know how to live as current me, don't want to think about losing Mrs Stace. As either way is not really 100% happy and as that's what she wants for me she doesn't know what to say.

She also said that me changing would not make her and dad happy as they would be losing their son completely, and even if I transitioned how could she shake the fact that I am the son she gave birth to, but if that is what it takes to make me happy they'll support me 100%. I did point out that keeping that attitude (and keeping it) helps me more than anything else they can do...

We talked about my brother finding out (arrived there from the good life with friends etc). I said I can only think of one or two in the entire family that would *possibly* be OK with it. She has different thoughts there. If it ever reaches them knowing we'll find out.

I ended saying that there was one thing she said on Sunday that did make me feel very happy. The fact that when she said I was two people and used both names. Stupid little thing but that lifted my spirits no end. She answered that she didn't think it was stupid and that's just who I am so of course it's nice to hear.

Hopefully with the right information from a decent therapist they can work though this is a good way.

Anyway - I had better end here. I'm starting to get tearful again in a room full of people.

Update: I was starting to get tearful, but not in a bad way (I don't think)! At least I didn't feel really upset... Don't worry is what I am trying to say in a roundabout way

Monday, 25 January 2010

Phone call with my parents

I spoke to my parents again this yesterday, I called them on to try and fix their computer (that had in the mean time decide to fix itself).

We got chatting and I mentioned that Mrs Stace was out with her parents and sister. My mum was surprised that I was not there, I said that it was supposed to be a night out for the girls (Mrs Stace, her sister and her mum) as a belated birthday present and that her dad decided to go last minute, probably down to me as it was the first time he had seen her since he found out about me, and he said he was psycologically ready. I appriciate that this is starting to get converluted. That got us on to the subject that we then discussed for the next 90 mins...

What bascially came over was that they are not coping as well as they said they were. They are still fine with me, but are concerned that I am gong to go into transition without thinking as soon as posible.

They also seem to be under the impression that once I start speaking to the therapists later in the year I am going to be pushed to transition at any expense.

I have tried to correct them in this... But that went rather badly as well. In the end I was told that I shouldn't ever transition as I was too manly, just with a very predominant femanine side. Which is not what my mum said on New Years Eve. I am not sure what this is based on except for my love of all things car.

I have to admit at doing something I am not proud of... Something that I feel, but didn't want to say to my mum is that for most of my childhood I constantly heard that 'This is not what boy's do / want / play with / ect'. I didn't want to broach the subject as I didn't want to make her feel guilty about it. But it was the only way I could see out of the conversation loop I was in, and I was starting to get upset by that time, so I said it. It didn't end the conversation, she just said she didn't remember doing it. And I am not blaming her here - I have reason to think that she is lying about remembering.

The other loop that came up was based almost solely on me being married as a reason why I could not be 'all woman', their phrase. If you love a woman you must be a man, otherwise you can't love a woman in any way more than as a close friend. That went around in circles for a while - ending with a point that I know only too well anyway. Mrs Stace isn't that way inclined.

And my mum wants to meet my therapists as she is the only one who knows me... I didn't even start a discussion with that one.

We did have some lighter moments, and ended well. Them re-affirming that they are there not matter what I do decide in the future. They keep stressing that, and saying that they wish there was more they could do. I always answer that by saying be there no matter what I decide.

All in all it did leave me very shaken though. Their two main points hit me quite hard - either I am insane and do not know what I am feeling; or they are just seeing what they want to see, which they kept stressing they were not. I know that they have only known for 24 days and are getting to grips, but I don't know, yesterday was just very difficult.

Ending on a bright note though... I heard my mum use the name Stacy refering to me for the first time, in a pleasent way. I really can't put into words how that made me feel. Crazy isn't it.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Christmas 2009 (and new year)

It just hit me that I meant to do a post on Christmas, but it somehow slipped my mind... Better late than never.

This year we went for Christmas in a vacation park in the south of NL with all of my in laws (Parents, sister and brother in law and their kids). We took a very nice house (even though it's only a holiday home I think it was as big as our house...) and whilst Mrs Stace and I finished our working weeks to leave on Christmas Eve the rest went and started the fun.

After dropping the cat off at the cattery and re waxing the table he decided to sprinkle with fear of his travel box we were off. Much less traffic than I was expecting and we got there just in time for the park to be handing out pressies for the kids, and mulled wine for the adults.

Christmas morning we got up when my little niece woke up. (Not with exitement of pressents, that's done on Dec 5th in Holland - Sint Klaas). Got up and went to watch the look on her face when she saw that the 'Kerstman' (Santa Clause) had indeed still been overnight (we stacked the tree with the pressies that Mrs Stace and I had taken with use)

It was fun doing the lying for her. I remember my parents telling me the same lies when there were presents at my grandparents house... Santa knew that we would be there and so dropped all the presents off. And look! Santa even left presents for everyone! Spent the afternoon opening the presents and taking lots of photo's of the kids opening theirs.

We had booked a restaraunt for Christmas Dinner, and that's where it all went wrong. It started when my nephew started to get a temparature and feel bad. He was not quite one at the time the poor thing really couldn't come out. So feeling guilty we left my brother in law looking after him with the prospect of soup and bread for his christmas dinner.

Got the the restaraunt (I'm sure I've spelt that wrong :) ) and we could find nobody to seat us for 10 mins, started to think was this such a good idea... Found out that they were not quite finished from the 3pm sitting... We were eventually seated. Waited for the waiter for drinks. And waited, and waited a bit more. There was only one waiter for the whole room (+/- 100 people or so at a minimum) and it was taking him 5 mins to fetch a couple of bottles of wine.

Then the starter turned up. Before the drinks (how often does that happen?). We had been seated for 1/2 hour and it was 50 mins since we *should* have been seated. The drinks arrived midway through the starter and we started to try and enjoy it the best we could.

Finished the starter, got the soup, and half way through someone came to lay to table with steak knives and cuttelry for the main course. We commented that they must be in a rush!

Finished soup (8:15, been in the place for 1 1/4 hours) and waited, expecting to see the maincourse start to turn up. 20 mins later the table next to ours got their main course.
20 mins after that someone else on the table got a plate. 20 mins after that the last 2 people on the table got their food. In the mean time nobody else in the place had eaten. It's now 9:15 and we were not seeing the funny side any more...

Then a table got their dessert. We were still waiting. At this point the two tables behind us gave up and left. A table of old folks in front of us said they were cancelling their main course as they couldn't eat so late. 9:30. We asked were our food was. It was coming.

Another tables leaves. We asked again. It's coming.

Waiters are walking to the kitchen and coming back empty handed.

The live music (I use the term loosely) started again, we groaned.

At just gone 10, three hours after arriving we decided that we were going to leave. Cue a small argument with my father in law and a waiter that we diffused. He paid for the drinks (more than I would have done for them ruining our christmas dinner) and we left.

Whilst you may think that they could have been busy and that we were not giving them enough time I think I should point something out. It was a set menu, that you had to make a decision about 3 weeks in advance. Being served at two sittings, at a time they decided. And they still couldn't cope!

Walking out over the icy dekking they had in front of the door I found the limit of grip in cowboy boots on ice and hit the deck a little hard. Great. We got back to the house to find that my brother in law had really enjoyed his soup and was nicely full. We started to eat all the snacks in the house as there was nothing else to eat. Staying to look after his child he had actually had the better evening. Poetic hey :)

So that was my Christmas Day... I must say I still emjoyed it - the rest of the day outwieghed the food situation, and once we had had some snacks and a couple of drinks we could see the funny side...

Friday, 22 January 2010

It's Friday!!!!

The end of another week - and do I need the weekend to recover!

I'm sitting here almost falling onto my keyboard, even though there is another couple of hours to go. I've drunk enough coffee to keep a student going through the night and it's not making a difference so I've decided that it may be best to stop now :)

Why am I tired? Because of stupid kitchen salesmen...

We had planned last year to think about building an extension to the house this year - there are a few options and we though it best to do all of them in one go, expensive in the short term, cheaper in the long term and we only have the mess to clean up once. I kind of put paid to that idea on December 6th. It seems stupid to add another 60K to the mortgage with the uncertainty that we both have right now. But the kitchen is long past it's used by date and slowly stopping to work. As far as I am concerened *if* we have to sell it's easier with a neutral kitchen with nice appliances than the current blue and yellow kicthen that is dying. And If we don't, well, we need a new kitchen anyway. Not everyone I know agrees with this idea as we are not likely to get the money back but...

I am hoping we stay together and will use the kitchen for years to come, I'm just trying to be sensible with that we spend in case. And if we don't I'd rather lose a couple of K and sell the house than pay mortgage for 12+ months waiting for it to sell becuase the kitchen is broken and 'interesting' colours.

We had a meeting at the first kitchen shop last night. We got there at 7:30 and discussed (for the second time, we had already explained when spending an hour making the appointment what we wanted) our requirements. He then drew out the kitchen on paper, slowly, putting the cabinets in place.

Then went through the appliance list and where we could put it. Then the worktop list.

At this point it was 9PM and we wanted a figure to take away to think about, but no... Then he went through the cupboards one by one (even though we needed three of one type he insisted on doing it one by one). Then he worked out what the 'retail' cost was, followed by their 'normal' price followed by the 'we have an amazing offer this week' price. At this point (9:35 - the shop is supposed to close at 9) we said that we had enough info, and would think about it.

Then the hard sell started. 'What can I do to make you take it today'. Nothing. We have more appointments and are not going to buy from the first shop. 'But what price would you cosider to be a buy it now price'. I don't know. We have never brought a kitchen before and have no frame of reference. We'll think about it and get back to you.

Then he said he needed to speak to his boss about an evaluation of his perfornamce. I said if you want I can do that by email, but it's late and we have to get up for work in the morning. 'He always shakes the hand of customers before they leave - it'll be 30 seconds I promise.'

After waiting for a couple of mins Mrs Stace and I grabbed our coats, and I went to be polite and say we were going as it was taking too long. I found the sales guy sitting at a table nowhere near his boss. 'He's just working with another couple - he'll be 2 mins'. He can be two mins, but we need to leave now. Suddenly his boss appears. Rather than shake my hand...

'What price can I say to make you sign now'. You can't (repeat what I've already said). 'Not even 1000 euros?' You are not going to do it for one thousand. 'That's my decisison.' Fine, quickly whats the cheapest. '7000.' (A bit more than 1 then...) Nope, I'm not signing today for that. 'If you come back on Saturday it could be more. It could be 14000' Never mind. We'll live with it. '[To the salesman] Hou alle papier, geeft niks aan de mensen' (Keep all paper work do not give them anything to take with them). Brief discussion about the pointless ness of this: They will copy all of our work, they will undercut us by 10 euros and we'll lose a customer. Also that fact that he switched to Dutch and spoke under his breath about the paperwork really annoyed me.

We left at that point. (9:50)

Now, all the good will they had built has been destryoed in the last 20 mins of their time with us. *If* their 7K is the best with the equipment I may go back, but I won't be paying a cent more than 7K as they can obviously make enough money on that to earn their commision, keep the large, expensive salesroom open and keep the company afloat at that price. But the other offers will have to be appaling in order for us to go back I think....

ON a much brighter side... In a couple of hours we are having an office winter BBQ as one of my long serving colleagues has left. He went on Jan 1st, but as everyone was on vacation we postponed the party. Lots og Gluhwijn (mulled wine I think) and meat and hopefully much merriment :)

Have a good weekend,

PS: I've just realised that I have made it past the 6 month mark... Wow, time flies. Lots have changed in the last 6 months... Especiall with how my life is running and what I use the blog for. I think that a name change (for the blog, not me) may be in order...

Wednesday, 20 January 2010


What's in a name? A few weeks (months?) ago I saw a posting on why people chose the names that they use on Jessica's blog. I answered that I when it came to needing a name (for emails etc to set up the blog) Stacy just dropped into the field naturally - hence I decided to keep it. It's not a name that I had ever thought about, but I am quite happy with it now.

Then I started to notice 'Stacey' all over the place - note the 'e' near the end of the word. From presenters names on Dutch TV to to "Gavin and Stacey' on the BBC. Now my spelling has always been awful, even though I'm an avid reader, and a fear crept over me that I had chosen a name, was happy and comfortable with it - only to find out that I had got it wrong from the start so I did some searching online for girls names. Thankfully 'Stacy' is correct - it's just there are alternative spellings.

So whilst I had it up on the screen I decided to look at the meaning and history:

Stacy and Stacey are just two of 20 variant forms of the name.
The name (for girls) are generally considered to be English shortenings of the Greek Anastasia, meaning resurection.

Seems a little apt somehow :)

Last night I 'spoke' to my parents for the first time since getting back from Scotland. I'd said hello to them a few times but not really about anything. I rang to speak to my dad (I'd just sent him a belated birthday presaent of a few CD's with 'The best of Round the Horne' and 'The Navy Lark' - something we had discussed when we were there over the new year. He seems to like them so money well spent :)

Mum asked how I was doing - I said that at the moment fine, last week and Monday not so great. She asked if I was ill, or was it other things. I explained the latter, saying that it was fine somedays - but others it was all that I could think about and made life difficult, if not impossible. She wanted to do somethig to help, but said she didn't know what or if there was that she could do. I simply said not throwing me out on New Years Eve was enough. She said they would never do that - and I heard my dad yell in the background that they'd never disown me. At that point I was welling up.

It seems that she also has issues with it (with hindsight, duh...). She says that somedays she is so pre-occupied with it worrying about me - how I am feeling, what I have been through in the last 30 years, what I am going to need to do to carry on and if I am going to have a job, friends and most importantly a wife at the end of it. The same things keep me awake sometimes at night - I didn't tell her that. Apparently though this has started them talking about it with each other. When she was sitting there pre-occupied and not hearing when he was talking to her made them start talking - apparently this has helped the two if them, I must say talking about it helps me too.

We had a bit of a chat, ending up in a good palce I might add, and then moved on to discussions over the CD's and my dad's possible next car (my brother is looking to get him an x-type Jag).

It's a shame it was so late when I called as I was about falling over with sleep, and had to get to bed in order to get up in the morning so we called it a day earlier than I would have liked to. Not seeing them means that when I do call I normally spend a couple of hours chatting away to the both of them :)

Friday, 15 January 2010

End of the week

Well that's the end of the first real week of the new year - a week back in the office and I need a vacation!

Things are moving very slowly on the help front - still waiting for the first appointment at the hospital, if I don't have it by waiting on the floor when I get in tonight I'll call on Monday to make sure that it's not been lost in the post.

I've managed to do three presentations about the new system that we are going to use in the office (Team Foundation Server). First was to a group who are going to use it a lot, once I got over my nerves I actually enjoyed that session. Everybody engaged with the presentation and we did a sort of brainstorming towards the end.

The next two were to the business who give the projects to our departments. That was 2 hours of watching bored faces who didn't care, and won't until I get inundated with mails about how to use the new software. We'll see...

As with the rest of europe the weather here has been cold and white all week, making travelling interesting, and nearly landing me on my back a few times trying to catch a train, but nothing too serious - not like Scotland was a couple of weeks ago.

The office tried to use the cold weather to turn the car park into a skating rink (they turn it into a beach volleyball field sometimes in the summer). It worked for a couple of days, but it just wasn't cold enough to freeze the amount of water needed. I did at least get to play on the ice in the car this morning...

Yesterday was a really downer. It was one of those days when I just couldn't get my mind out of thoughts of everyone knowing, and what the next year will bring, and a little upset after the second of the business presentations. I had just had an appointment with the company doctor about progress over Christmas (I thought that keeping her informed was a good idea so that the company knows my state of mind) and was in the middle of a small meeting at my desk about release management for the coming weeks when one of the guys noticed me filing my nails (I've taken to this instead of biting my nails, but am doing it subconciously). He made a comment about me doing that, and owning 'millions' of pairs of shoes. Now I've made of point of just going with the joke here to try and hide stuff... So I just said 'You don't need to worry until I arrive in stillettos' and everyone laughed. Except one person who freaked out that he would be terrified if I did anything like that (everyone just stared at him gone out...) Again, tried to joke it out - as long as I don't stand on your feet, haha. He then goes on to tell a storey of a previous company where one of the truck drivers did turn up dressed one day so they took photos and mailed the whole company laughing... Whilst the description of the outfit wasn't what I would call appropriate for work, the malicousness that came into his voice really got me. In the state I was in I nearly had to leg it out of the room, thankfully a call came in about that I needed to take and it took my mind of off it.

Improved in the evening though. After work I met my friend who I told in the pub and we had a long chat. Talking openly about it really helps with the dysphoria part... After 1/2 hour (and 1 VAT) he noted that I was a lot more relaced and behaving more like myself than when I arrived... Stayed chating for a couple of hours (and a couple more VAT's) and left in much better spirits...

Oh well, time to get the weekly shopping in. Have a good weekend all... (Hope this was a a little happier post than I've been managing of late)

Oh and I finally found out how to list the blogs I read in the sidebar!

PS: Calie - No pills since yesterday morning

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

I think that's everyone for now...

Well I think that I can almost start to relax again... On Monday night Mrs Stace got a call from her mother saying that she would be going to my sister in laws for food on Tuesday, which is a long standing arrangement for us.

Something positive happened that night... I spent an hour pacing the living room in a panic, and poping Valdispert pills again to calm me down before going to bed. So far so bad... But I slept reasonably well. I sleep badly at the best of times, but the night before seeing my sister in law for the first time I only managed 2 hours. So sleeping almost normally (for me) I see as a breakthrough.

I had a hellish day in the office, still catching up after the Christmas break, and doing a presentation to a room full of poeple about the new TFS server that I have configured (I *do* not do well in front of people - even if i have worked with them for a number of years - cue more Valdispert). Once that was done I went into panic mode again. Popped a few more pills (they are herbal and non addictive, not real drugs) and left.

When I got there my mother in law wasn't... This put me back a little - when you are bracing yourself for emotional overload and it doesn't happen it can hit you quite hard. Spoke to my sister in law (who has spoken to her mother about me since I last saw her on Saturday) who said I shouldn't be worried, whilst she would have preferred me to say everything before I married her daughter she knows it wasn't some deliberate scheme to ruin her life...

When she turned up (my mother in law that is) we said hello and kissed (as the Dutch do) and that was that. Nothing bad, nothing at all actually. Once I calmed down the evening went very well.

Towards the end of the evening my sister in law (ever the subtle person) asked if the pills had worked for the evening. My mother in law simply asked why I needed those and said I shouldn't worry.

When we gave her a lift home and said goodbye she just told me that everything will be alright.

Everyone in the family has said not to worry about my father in law - as he won't say anything either positive or negative as he just doesn't talk about things, and that he is also fine. I'm still nervous before meeting him for the first time...

The only thing for me was that *nothing* was said about it. I wonder if more will be said when it's just me and Mrs Stace - an actual conversation about it, or if it's just there now and so be it...

Sunday, 10 January 2010

A long discussion withg my in laws

I've just noticed how long this post is getting - appologies in advance...

Well... For now everybody that is going to know about me knows. May parents, my parents in law and my sister in law and her husband.

I still don't klnow where my parents in law are, but they are naturally worried about their daughter, and the fact that she is only 33 - but that by the time we have some sort of solidity in our lives she could be in be in her late thirties. And that those are very important years for women.

They are also angry at me for not telling her everythign earlier. I can understand that as well.

We are supposed to be getting together sometime over the next week or two for the first time, that will lead to some sleepless nights again I imagine.

As for her sister... Mrs Stace told her on Friday over the phone. She didn't want to, but when she said she wanted to come for a chat just the two of them her sister panicked, and said that she had t know. I do like the way that she told her though... 'Remember at the vacation house where S said he had given up beer since finding out how many calaries there are in a bottle, and you said "Are you a girl as well", well he is'

She arranged that we would both go over the next day, and that I would stay with my borther in law and the kids whilst they went for lunch and a chat.

Cue another sleepless night.

We got there, everyone could see how terrified I was (apparently whilst being a good actor for the last 30 years I can't hide that :) ), so Mrs Stace and her sister went early for lunch. I had a rather uncomfrtable lunch with my brother in law, my neie and nephew.

Once my nephew was in bed (he was 1 on the same day my dad was 60), my brother in law started the discussion (using very vague words as my nearly 4 year old neice was still in the room). It was a very open discussion (and at some point she fell asleep and I fell from Dutch into English) and so got more specific. It was totally what I needed - he has no issues with it and we had a discussion about the idea of the gender spectrum. He totally beleives in that and knows that whilst he's not TG he does certainly have some femanine traits. He also said something which was great to hear, but harder to actually live with. 'If someone has an issue with what you are that is not your issue, it's their issue.' I agree, but it's still hard to live with - I have this overwhelming need to be liked by people and it really bothers me when someone doesn't...

The girls got back and I had a big hug from my sister in law. They asked if we wanted to stay for food.

We ate and just as we were putting the kids to bed the lights went out (100,000 homes without power in that part of South Holland apparently). After spending an age lighting candles and making tea on the stove we sat in the sofa and my sister in law says 'Well S, you gave us some big news then'

We spent the next thee hours talking (my sister in law and brother in law are much better at talking than me and Mrs Stace and so they led most of he conversation with questions etc). It was very calming to talk about it so openly (despite nearly crying a number of times). I think one of the best comments that came out was when my sister in law asked if I wanted to dress outside of the house as well as in. I said 'Not at the moment, I'm not going to turn up next week in a skirt.' She said you can if you want, we'll just have to explain to B (my neice).

I said it was odd to tell all of this, and everybody pointed out that once you get over the first hurdle of telling people you are TG, telling them that you prefer wones clothes etc is kind of a 'well, duh' moment as if you feel you are a women, then it's obvious and natural that you want the rest.

All in all it was wonderful to be so open, and last night for the first time in a week or so I slept like a log.

Now just meeting my parents in law for the first time after them finding out... They spoke to Mrs Stace yesterday when the power came back on, and were pleased that everything went OK today, and that everything was more or less normal (apart from when I first arrived). I'm hoping that is a good sign for when I meet with them next week or so...

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Happy New Year All!!!

Hey All,

Well back from the Christmas and New Year vacations with both sides of the family. Got a few stories that I'll share over the next week or so :)

The main thing was that I came out to my parents... I had half decided to do it, seeing as we were going as a surprise for his 60th I thought telling them the day after was a good idea (His birthday is on the 2nd January and we left on the 4th).

But... (And this may sound familiar to those that have read other posts over the last few weeks) Halfway through New Years eve I had a panic attack and ended up doing it then.

They have both been great... I told my mum first who's first words were 'I know, I've always known' - pointing out that I didn't do the things that little boys did as a child. Ater talking about whether to tell dad she went and fetched him. I told him and then broke down... I don't think I have ever hugged my dad like that before, or cried into his shoulder like that before. He was also fine - although he did keep on saying that having the heart attack in August puts things into a whole new perspective. I am not sure how fine he would have been before then (Mum ays he would have been fine anyway, and he says he would probably have been fine...)

After an hour and a half with them we went back into the living room (Where Mrs Stace was watching TV - having guessed what what going on). A couple of glasses of Welsh Single Malt later to see in the new year we called it a night.

Over the next couple of days I had more discussions with them. Some of them better than others. My mum is worried that that I am going to transition without thinking, and thinks that I have too many male personality traits to transition. Personally (and this sounds nasty I know) I can't help but feel that those traits come from being told constantly as a chile that 'Boys don't do that' and that 'Boys do this, and play with those toys'. I appreciate that she was trying to stop me getting bullied more than I already did at school, but that comment about the personality traits didn't help my head.

She has since had a discussion with Mrs Stace, who told me what was discussed - which helped.

I had a long discussion with my dad when we went for a walk in the new year, he seems really fine with everything - something that I was not expecting. He hopes that me and Mrs Stace can work things through - as he and my mum feel that we are a great couple. But if not they'll be there, no matter what I decide to do for he future. Even if it is a long distance being there.

And I spent a lot of time appologising for ruining his birthday - which they both kept on telling me I didn't do...

Update: Currently sitting here having kittens... Mrs Stace is at her parents house giving her mum the news...