Tante Stacy come to dinner

Well, the Christmas and New Year celebrations are behind us for another year - the decorations are down in the living room, which incidentally now looks empty, and normal life resumes.

And for the coming time period it is going to remain full to overflowing - both privately and professionally.

The first thing I had to do for the new year was outside of work: introducing my niece and nephew to Stacy for the first time.  My sister-in-law had been preparing them over the last few weeks whenever the opportunity came up to talk about it with them.  Whether that was a comment from my niece about girls and boys, she is in the age group where she is noticing the difference between the girls and boys and noticing what is expected of both, and when something to do with gender was on TV.  The fact that in the Netherlands we have some great programming about various aspects of the human condition, and I really mean great - just a presenter talking to and following people in their day to day life rather than something more sensationalised, meant that there was something that she could discuss with my niece before actually telling her about me specifically.

Then on Sunday night she told them about me and that on the following Tuesday, the day we always go and visit, that Aunty Stacy would be coming.  My nephew is a little too young to get it, but my niece, after cracking up, apparently just said 'Yeah, I have three aunts now!' 

On Tuesday evening Mrs Stace and I arrived and at first my nephew was a little 'eh?' and my niece again cracked up.  But after a couple of minutes they both came around and my nephew came up to me for a hug as he normally does when we arrive. We spent the evening before dinner doing jigsaws on the floor and talking.  She thought I looked funny, and was asking if I was in Mrs Staces clothes or if they were my own - she seemed quite impressed that I was in my own wardrobe :p  She also asked, just to show how early these things get ingrained, if I was going to get my ears pierced, and if I was going to get my nails painted.  My ears were pierced last weekend, and last week I did have my nails painted - not something I do very often - and she exclaimed 'Oh, you are a real girl!'  I had to laugh at that.

What I was really surprised at was how much she tried to get my name right.  After talking to my therapist we had decided that we were not going to correct the kids.  There is enough of a change with me without forcing them to call me something different.  Once all of the adults start calling me Stacy they will follow in time, and it will be less traumatic for them.  But my niece was trying from the start to call me 'Tante Stacy', and the name change itself was actually the easiest for her.  There were a few 'Oom Stacy' moments throughout the evening - I find it interesting that she found the name easier than the switch from uncle to aunt - but she corrected herself every single time.

After eating we helped put the kids to bed and as I gave her a hug good night I got a really sweet 'Ik vind je heel lief tante Stacy', roughly translated as 'I think your really sweet aunty Stacy', whispered in my ear.  Ahh... :)

I don't think I could have wished for it to go better...

Family, decorating and, yes again, stress...

Well, it's Sunday afternoon and for the first time since I wrote my last blog I can relax a little.

The last week has been very busy still at work, and there has been no respite at home either.  Work is going to remain busy and stressful for the coming weeks.  It's the same every year and I don't see why this year should be any different. Hopefully by the time that I start working as Stacy the stress is going to be somewhat diminished.

At home...  Well my brother arrived last Sunday to do some DIY for me (it's his job and I hate it so I thought it was easier to pay him than do it myself - thanks bro!) so we had to get the house ready for a guest, and I had to get into a place in my hear to share a house with him for a week. He's a great guy, but lives life like Frank Sinatra's song - My Way.  Not being able to have discussions - he is right in everything and knows best about everything too (including telling me how things I studied work - because he has seen movies that told him; grr!!!) It can get a little tiring sometimes.

So whilst I have been at work this week he has been swapping radiators, removing radiators and plastering the walls in our hall, landing and on the stairways.  And he even had time and material to do the bathroom ceiling for me!

Seeing as it was going to be the last time he saw his brother I was trying to figure out when to introduce Stacy to him, and stressed a little - he doesn't have the worlds greatest gift for tact so there would be no sugar coating his thoughts.

Events actually conspired against me for the week - Sunday was his first day so I thought as I am not full time yet there I would wait until he was settled.  Monday I got home and gave him a hand finishing the days work and preparing for the next.  Tuesday we were visiting my sister in law and her family so no go.  Wednesday and Thursday were also spent helping with some of the work.  On Friday I had therapy, my last session before going full time at work, so there was no choice there.  He was going to meet me.

After therapy we went shopping for Sinterklass gifts and the weekly shop and then back home.

And...

As with telling him in the first place, a complete non event.  I've had a few different reactions but never complete and total dis interest.  And I don't mean that in the way that it sounds!  He just opened the door (he had my keys for the week) and said 'howdo'. That's it.

Yesterday he went to Amsterdam for the day, I dropped him off at the train station as him (running errands that I still need to be him for) and picked him up in the evening again.  As Stacy.  And again just thanks for picking him up and started chatting.  On the trip home I decided to bring it up, just to see if there was any reaction.  I asked him if he thought he would cope in the January with calling me Stace or sis.  'I don't know, I'd had 35 years of calling you bro - I'm a bit stuck in my ways, that's why I can't stop smoking.'  And that was it the subject was gone.  And we just hada normal evening watching Strictly (I still can't believe that he is a fan!) and then the went to bed before setting off home today.

One bit of stress gone I suppose :)

Oh...  And news!

I ordered my deed poll this week!  An amazing simple (so far) process!  Let's see when it comes through...

More annoying and difficult will be my passport...  It used to be that you could take a morning off of work, go to the consulate in Amsterdam and get a new passport.  But...  When then introduced the new passports a couple of years ago they stopped doing this 'to improve the service the office can give to it's customers' and I now have to post my passport to Paris.  Who will check if it meets their requirements for requesting a new passport.  If they agree it gets posted to the UK.  Who see if it meets their requirements for issuing a passport (yes, they can be different requirements!) who print it and then post it direct (thankfully) to me. I was hoping to come back to Leicester in the new year and take a trip to Peterborough for the one day service, but apparently I don't fulfill the requirements for that and it's one week minimum.  As I could not travel home again with no passport that means a two week trip and I just don't want to use the vacation time for it.  I just hope that posting it does not cause any problems...  I have to get the application form filled in this week (assuming my Windows machine will read the PDF they have, my Apple doesn't...)

Phew, more stress in the coming weeks then!  And a travel ban until they return it to too me!  Why don't the UK sign the Schengen agreement so I can travel without it!

Icky Mouse!

Midway through the vacation in France we took a trip to EuroDisney - or as I think it's officially known these days "Disneyland Paris'.

I have to admit I was a bit hesitant about this part of the trip.  I love roller coasters, and in times past we would have made lots of trips to Alton Towers in the UK when on vacation. Where we would have done ride after ride after ride until we were about ready to throw up!  But I always though that Disney was more about the Disney and less about the screaming.

It didn't help that we were only going for one day, and so only doing one park (why they split it into multiple parks is beyond me - apart from the be able to charge more of course!).  And...  The park that we were doing was Disney and not the Movie park with the 'Tower of Terror' and other big rides.

And so we turned up went though the gates and onto 'Main Street'.  I can say I was immediately impressed with how well turned out the park is!  That first street makes such an impression when you walk walk into the park.  The buildings look impressive, it is  *so* clean (other theme parks should really take note of this - I can't believe how clean Disneyland is) and really is like walking into a different country.

The first thing we did was stop for coffee whilst looking at the map.  And that was my first disappointment.  I love coffee.  I'm a coffee addict, coffee snob and even took my espresso machine on vacation with us.  So when I saw the 'Segafredo' sign I was over the moon. Nice Italian coffee beans, that produce a smooth coffee that is not too bitter.

I couldn't finish the cup of coffee is was that bad!  I never realised that Segafredo did instant coffee, but I do know that their instant coffee is as bad as everyone else's!  Add to that chemical foam instead frothy milk and the disappointment was complete!  Hohum...

Anyway...  We left the cafe and split up.  My in-laws went to the fantasy land with my niece and nephew and Mrs Stace and I went to the Indiana Jones ride.  We met long queues for the first time.  50 minutes wait before you could ride.  But...  Disney have queues absolutely nailed - again other theme parks really need to learn from this!  I don't know how they do it, but you seem to spend your time constantly moving in the queue rather than standing followed by shuffling, followed by standing still again for a long time.  We thought that had the wait time wrong when we got to the front of the queue and that it was only 1/2 an hour or so, but no it really was 50 minutes, it just felt faster.

The ride was stunning, we managed to get the front seat and as it's supposed to be a mine cart you have nothing in front of you unlike a normal roller coaster so it adds to the fear factor.  Brilliant!

After we went to find the others - they were waiting for the Dumbo ride; amazingly enough they had an even longer wait than the adult rides! And were still queuing for 30 minutes *after* we found them again.  They must have been in that queue for more than 90 minutes!  I'm amazed that a 5 year old and 2 year old coped with such a long wait.

A wander around looking for food followed, and again another disappointment.  The food was terrible, I had a ham and cheese baguette that tasted like it had been made a couple of days earlier and left in the fridge.  Awful!  I did like the look their toasted snacks that was the first choice, but I went to the loo and when I came back plans had changed and we were eating awful sandwiches.  Again  hohum.

We split up again in the afternoon and Mrs Stace and I went on Space Mountain: Mission 2, which is fantastic!  The acceleration at the start is phenomenal!  From the outside when you wait it looks rather lacklustre, but when actually in the ride it pins you to your seat.

After that we tried Star Tours.  The only ride we did where the wait time seemed terrible - but that may have been because we were worried about getting back for the others.  Whilst waiting were were worried that the ride was not going to be worth it - the intro seemed a little cliche...  But it was really fun.  A simulator with some Star Wars type footage.  It's amazing how your brain can be tricked by visual stimulation and slight movement!

We had some Ben and Jerry's ice cream - really good value, and easily the best tasting food of the day as well and met up with the others again.  For the rest of the afternoon we went on rides with the kids.  It's a small world, a boat ride though the fairy tales of Disney and a kids roller coaster.

We waited for the parade (really good, even if the text used in their songs was a little creepy) - and again the organisational aspect was shown off fantastically.  As soon as the last float went past the road was clear and you wouldn't have known that a parade had just taken place.  Amazing!

We had our evening meal, and again a huge disappointment.  Microwaved supermarket pizza for restaurant prices.  Quite how they can have some things so amazing in value and quality and others are so terrible I have no idea!

Then we watched the Mickey Mouse wizard show, with the Genie from Aladdin, the fairy godmother from sleeping beauty and all the princesses.  I had my niece on my shoulders for the whole thing so she could see.  It was a great show.  The they day was over, we did a little shopping and went back to the caravan.

And we slept really soundly!  11 hours of walking, standing and rising coasters really takes it toll!  But a great day - I would like to go back just Mrs Stace and me so we could do both parks and try to do more of the coasters!

Why Icky Mouse?  Well my nephew can't say Mickey yet.  It's so cute he starts shouting 'Icky Mouse, Icky Mouse!'

As we were going to be doing roller coasters I didn't take my camera with me, so no shots this time I'm afraid!  I was going to post pictures of the mementos we brought, but I can't find any on-line.  I'll try to get some shots and repost :)

Wonderful SMSs

When I first told my parents about me 18 months ago one of the things that my mum said is that she wanted to tell her youngest sister so she had someone to talk to.  Her sister is trust worthy, good with secrets and open minded.

I said that I had nothing against the plan - she needs someone to talk to, and it being a family member is probably not a bad idea (one of her friends know, but it's not the same really is it?).  Anyway, it came to nothing as my mum decided that she would wait.  I said don't not do it for me, but if you don't want to do it yet that's also fine.

Fast forward to know, and the place I am in at the moment and she decided that she would do it.  I am guessing that it happened this week, shortly before I got this text message:

Hi there Stacey.  Just to let you know you are always welcome here, and if you ever need a chat I'm here for you.  Love you x x x x x x

I just wanted to share that with you all.  I feel really lucky to have the family that I have, even if they are 800 to 1600 km's away!

Of course there is another aunt that that they were going to speak to this week.  It's the one that I stay with all the time when I go the the UK...  No text from her yet - though I can't think that it went badly otherwise they would have called me.  I assume.  I'll speak to them at the weekend and see how it went (or if they decided not to tell her yet after all)

Well that month went fast...

I hadn't realised that it had been a month since I did a successful post...  Things have been a little busy here - getting ready to go on vacation (and going away for a week) and general life has just got in the way and my muse was present to start a couple of posts, but left before I had a chance to finish and post them...

Anyway...  For the catch up let's start with a few vacation posts (see if I manage them all!)

Last week was spent in a static caravan in 'Crecy la Chapelle', a small village / town about 10 miles away from EuroDisney.  The reason for the holiday was the 40th anniversary of Mrs Stace's parents.  So the whole family joined them on holiday for a week.

Getting there was a breeze - much easier than I was expecting, at least for the first 510km's; the last 3 were a nightmare.  We started the journey with stress - the street of the camping site was a little outside of the town itself and so couldn't be easily found in the sat nav that we have.  Still, point to the town and see where we go from there.  Mrs Stace called her parents for directions once we got there and it seemed easy enough - turn right at the only church  you come across.

We drove across Holland, Belgium and into France without any traffic issues at all - we were warned about several by the sat nav, but by the time we reached that point it was cleared.  Even Antwerp was clear - that is normally a nightmare when we go the the UK!

Through France at a constant 130kmph on the AutoRoute - it may be expensive (15 euros toll from the border to Paris on the A1, and 2 euros to pass EuroDisney) but the roads were nice to drive on.

Getting to Crecy and oh dear...  Firstly, everyone knows how traffic lights work, right?  Red, red and amber (in the UK at least, not on the continent), green, amber and then back to red.  Well in France they have a different system in some places.  Red, Red and amber (but not the normal amber of the light, a new fourth amber at the bottom of the light!!!) that flashes whilst the light is on red to say go if it's safe.  If it wasn't for the two French cars in front of us I would not have known and would have had some angry people behind me at the lights :)  As it was I thought 'Whoa, someone doesn't doesn't like to wait for the lights' as the first car went.  When the second followed I thought more 'hmm, one person jumping the lights I can see, but not two' and then I started to scan the lights to see anything that could explain it.  I spotted the (very dim) flashing amber and assumed that mean I could go if it was clear.  In the week there I never saw that light on green...

In the village itself we found two churches - but neither of them on the side of the road and so went round and round in circles trying to find out where we should be...  At some point Mrs Stace saw the sign for a camp site and we just assumed there could only be one.  At a few junctions we had to take an educated guesses where they decided that people didn't need to know which way to go and lo and behold we left the town onto the ring road we were originally driving on and there was Church.  On the right was the camp site...  If we had not seen the sign for the village and left the main road we would have got there about 1/2 earlier than we did - and less stressed!

The camp site was a revelation for me.  I though that the Brits had a problem integrating on holiday - it seems that the Dutch can take it a step further!  The camp site was 95% Dutch and was ran for the Dutch - all the signs were first Dutch, then French, Germand and English.  Funnily enough the staff were not - so whilst the signs were Dutch you couldn't ask for what was written - you needed to translate it into French :)

Well I guess that's long enough for now - here's some sample shots of the week :)

Our caravan on the first night

A Cheater from the Cat Park we visited on the first day

The keep from one of the small towns we visited - I'll remember the name at some point I am sure

The last day in Paris - Arc de Triumph

You don't really need to know what this on is do you?

And breath!!!

This morning I got up for work, rushed around the house and got ready for work.

I dropped Mrs Stace off at the train station on the way.  And then dropped my parents at the airport.

They went back after a weeks visit and I was just about in tears as I carried on to work.  There are definitely times when living 1600km's from your close family is too much.  And when leaving them each time it becomes very difficult.  I imagine that my parents were in the same place after I dropped them off.

We had a great week, didn't do everything that we wanted to - but we did spend a lot of time talking and laughing.

But it was very tiring - I love them dearly and really don't want to have to wait until September before I see them again - but 7 days living with them again can get quite overwhelming at times.  I think I may go to bed early tonight and may just sleep well  :)

On shopping and parents

After seeing my Sister in law on Saturday we were on full on finish cleaning mode on Sunday.  We needed to get the spare room finished and the other rooms tidied up.

Those plans got a little scuppered when we got an SMS from my sister in law asking if we fancied going to a Mexx warehouse sale.  Seeing as Mrs Stacy and I like Mexx we thought that we could go down for a quick look and see what is there.  The warehouse is only 20 or 30km's from home so it shouldn't take more than 90 minutes or so to get there, shop and leave.

Hahahahahahahahaha.

We were queueing to get in for an hour, spent an hour or more inside going through the racks and paying.  Oops.  Mind you, the clothes were *really* cheap.  Mrs Stace picked up a coat @ about 115 euros discount, I picked up three skirts @ 10 euros each (shop price was 50+ per skirt).  In total we spent 96 euros for a bag of clothing that was probably close to 500 euros in the shop!  That it's last seasons styles really doesn't bother me - I like clothes I like - fashion rarely figures in my choice of what I buy!

We spent the remainder of the afternoon getting the rooms cleaned and prepared and collapsed on the sofa in the evening to try and get some energy back :)

Yesterday morning came and I got ready to go and pick my parents up from the airport.  That did not go well!  My hair refused to go properly, the zapped hair from Friday showed through the foundation and I felt like a mess as a result.  There is nothing like confidence crushing images in the mirror just before leaving the house.  Esp when everything went so well on Saturday with my Sister in Law.

I was in half a mind to give up and get changed again - but I didn't have time to redo my hair as him so I just summoned up all the confidence I could muster and left.  Mrs Stace got a call from a colleague just before I left so she had to stay at home and take that.

I got to Schiphol and struggled to get into my walking shoes.  Eventually got out of the car and then had issues walking to arrivals (for somereason my skirt was full of static and sticking to my tights which meant it was riding up at the front).

I reached the arrival hall and waited for my parents to come out.  Shaking a little from nerves, but actually otherwise I was fine.  I wasn't staring round trying to see who was looking at me.  I was not trying to hide away so no one could see me (the amount of people crowding around the arrivals gate would  have made that impossible anyway!)  They came out we had a hug, walked back to the car and my mum said I looked a bit off.  I explained about the above and she said that if I was not feeling up to meeting them as Stacy why did I not just go as him.  I just thought if I can go out looking that bad and still act with confidence then I should not have an issue in future trips out.  She laughed and said that I didn't look 'bad', and that I still looked feminine.  I just looked like I was out from the night before :)

Got home and had a great day chatting, watching some TV etc.  They had not been to bed for more than 24 hours so they were shattered so they drifted off to sleep occasionally.  I was going to get changed, as the make up was starting to look awful - but my mum managed to convince me that it was fine and that I shouldn't worry so much.  I eventually got changed when they went to sit in the garden.  Should the neighbours see me when I going somewhere, so be it.  But I don't want to just sit in plain view in the garden that is overlooked from every side for Mrs Staces sake.  When they find out I won't have a problem doing it, but for now I'll try to avoid it.  All in al it was a great day.  They are currently asleep still from their travelling, and I am about to go for my run around the lake.  In the rain :(

In which my sister in law meets Stacy

Well it's the morning after the night before, and I am still sitting here in the make up from last night as it was very late (not something I do very often!)

I was quite nervous - in fact almost as nervous as when my parents met Stacy for the first (only so far) time.  I started very early, in fact I painted my nails (also something that I do not do very often) whilst watching the Monaco qualification.  I managed one hand, but I had to ask Mrs Stace to do my right hand as it was not going to be able to do it left handed.  Thankfully she said OK and did a great job (so I currently have metallic purple nails - a present from the wife of a colleague).

After the qualification was finished I spent a age shaping my brows (as much as I dare to do) and shaving.  I got dressed, moisturised and did my hair and then went to prepare food.

We ate (quiche with salad and rosemary - sea salt potatoes) and then I did my make up (another 30 minutes!) and relaxed (haha) in front of Dr Who.

We need to wait until my niece and nephew were asleep in bed, as we do not want to confuse them with male me, Stacy, male me. After Dr Who had finished Mrs Stace called to check that they were OK and we left.  Mrs Stace drove so that I did not have to change shoes in the car.  I'm also not sure how I would have felt being in in control with the shakes that I had from the nerves.

We arrived, parked and went to their house.  And I got a very good reaction from both my sister in law and her husband.  There were shocked smiles of course, but both said that I looked good, and very feminine and very not male me.  I asked if it was better than they had in their head and my sister in law just said that she had lots of strange thoughts and this was nothing like any of them.  I do feel sorry for the people who have to get their head around the situation.  They have known me for 11 years, and even though they have known about Stacy for 18 months now it's completely different from seeing me as Stacy.

We sat and talked, looking occasionally to the football. As my sister in law joked - you come as a woman for the first time and what do we do, watch football!  Something we have never done with them in the past - I had never heard of Messi until last years world cup!  Not that there is anything that says you can't do that as a woman, it's just something that I would never do as male me...

For the first hour there was lots of staring as they tried to get their heads sorted (nothing bad, just shocked).  But we ended up chatting about things in general and just having a pleasant evening.

As they don't have stairs to leave their house there was nothing for me to fall down (which is good as this time I was in heels and had been drinking red wine).  So I stepped out of the house with no problem.

Until it was obvious how gusty the wind was and I had to hold my skirt down.  I don't know how bad the first gust was, but it had my sister in law in hysterics.  So that's fall down the stairs when I left last time I introduced Stacy to someone, and this time possibly flashing my in laws.  Wonderful :)

I think the biggest positive is that they even tried to call me Stacy, and use the correct pronouns.  I had told them at the start of the evening that I was not going to correct them that visit.  I think getting your head around  me as Stacy is enough for one night, the corrections (should they be needed) can come later.  After last night I don't think it's going to be an issue.  Though my sister in law is worried about calling me Stacy when we go to visit before the kids know me as her :)

A week of freedom!

It's always nice to finish work and turn off the computer.  It's something that I only do a couple of times a year as I need access to my desktop from home in case things go wrong.  But, when I am leaving for the week I prefer not to have the temptation of being able to access the office from home so I turn everything off.

It's been a very busy week making sure that there has been enough of a handover for my projects, and to try and ensure that things will go smoothly over the next week.

And I did something really daft :) There is a project that is supposed to go live in a couple of weeks.  However, it would be nice for the business if it was live earlier than that.  So...  I offered to do what I could to get it live early so that the business unit who wanted the project could benefit.

So my team has been working extremely hard, and I have been extremely stressed (and working too many hours when I should have been cleaning up the spare room for my parents!).  And...  We managed it - with a little luck it will be live a week early and just at the time when they need it.  I hope they appreciate the effort that went into getting it there a week early!

After I left the office I had a few appointments before shopping for the weekend.

First was with my optometrist, it's been 3 years since I last had my eyes checked (something I only realised when I had my sunglasses adjusted and asked them how long ago it was).  So they checked for glaucoma (no problems there) and did an automated check of my eyes.  +0.25 in one eye and 0.00 in the other.

I then had a chat with the guy doing the real exam about how I wear my glasses (when tired, stressed or with a headache) and he check the eyes closer.

And told me to leave the glasses alone in future as whatever there was with my eyes 10 years ago when I got my perscription is not there now.  And wearing them could actually cause me more problems by making my eyes lazy.  So now I have to try for a few months and see how it goes.  If I am getting regular headaches then I have to go back and have them double checked (no doubt with the droplets that relax the eye), otherwise I am fine for another 2 years.

Then I had my last session of laser for the summer.  When I started at the beginning of the year I brought a course of 6 sessions (I meant I had one session free) and this was the last one.  They have suggested that a break over the sunniest months is a good idea, and to be honest with what is left I am thinking of switching to electrolysis (which reading comments along the lines of 'I thought laser hurt until I started electolosys' recently on a few blogs isn't filling me with joy.  The results, sure, the idea of something that hurts more than the laser did today...  Not so much.

And, wow!, did it hurt today.  I had lots of one 2 ones, that were out in the open and I think I may have spent too much time in the sun.  And I forgot the paracetamol that I took to reduce the pain last time last time...  I had tears in my eyes before she started on the upper lip.

But looking in the mirror it's worth it!

Right, time to prepare for a long weekend...  Cleaning, introducing Stacy to my sister in law tomorrow evening and then fetching my parents from the air port.

I'll apologise in advance for my lack of on-line presence next week.  I don't know how often I'll have time to read...

Stace

Hot and Tired!

We have had a bit of a heatwave here in Holland this week, but today it ended.  According to the weather people. However, when I was running this evening I had the impression that it was still hot and dry (and not cold and wet as my phone and computers were trying to tell me).

Assuming that the Volcano in Iceland stays stopped I get to see my parents next week.  They are coming to stay for a week, and I have taken the opportunity to take the week off from work.  I've not seen them since February so I am quite looking forward to it.

And...  Stacy is meeting them at the airport.  Or at least that it the plan at the moment.  Well see what state my face in in Monday morning before making the final choice as I have my final session of laser on Friday afternoon.

Before they get here though we have to first have to clear the spare room so that they can actually sleep, and get the weeds from the garden so (assuming the weather holds) we can sit in the garden and relax.

It's amazing just how much can collect in one room in the house when you use it as a 'just put it there till I get around to it' room...  Everytime we need it we clean it up and swear it will not get into that state again.  It works for a few weeks, and then we start the circle again.  This time though!  This time...

A weekend away (sorry long post!)

This weekend Mrs Stace and I took a trip to the UK.  I had some shopping to do, and as my parents were going down to see family as well I thought it would be nice to try plan my trip coincide so that we could have a family get together.

The trip started interestingly – we got 20 KM’s from home and had to turn around as we had forgotten the car documents.  If we had have been staying in The Netherlands I would have risked the fine of not having them on me.  But with three countries to drive in I thought that I had better get them…

We reached the Euro Tunnel and things started to get boring…  The journey from the French border control to the UK border control (200m or so) took 40-50 minutes…  We wondered if the UK border control agents are completely ashamed working so closely to the French agents who are courteous, pleasant and speedy – as opposed to the UK agents who are slow, grumpy jobsworths.  We were in a Dutch car, with me sitting on the wrong side.  Passed them a Dutch passport for Mrs Stace and a UK passport for me; the first question was ‘Why are you going to the UK?’ This was followed by ‘Oh, I see UK passport you are just going home, where have you been?’  Going home?  In a Dutch car?  ‘No I live in the NL, we are going to the UK to visit family.’  Why you can’t just say ‘I have a UK passport so I am allowed to go there’ I am not sure…

By the time we got to where we were going it was very late and we were exhausted.

The next day we went speaker shopping.  Mrs Stace, my mum and her sister went shopping and my father and I went to demo the speakers I was thinking of buying (expect a review soon).  An hour of listening to all types of music (a nice mix of rock, classical, trance, pop and vocals) and we brought them (along with an extra amp to power the low frequency drivers) – sorry I go into geek mode with the stereo system :)

After meeting up with Mrs Stace and the rest for lunch we went to pick up the speakers.  We piled into the shop and they brought them up from the basement.  Mrs Stace went into shock at the size of the box that came up.  Then I went into shock when I saw that it said 1pc on the side – I started to panic; I may drive a Volvo estate, but it’s only a little V50!  We managed to get the boxes to the car (using a trolley from the shop – at 33kg per box we couldn’t carry them!)  Thankfully with the seats folded down they *just* fit into the car (maybe 10cm to the side and enough room at the ends to fit the box for the amp and our little suitcase.  Phew…

That evening we had a family get together, at my aunt’s house with nearly all the family there (including my cousin who I have not seen in a few years).  It was a great night, a real laugh – going down memory lane and talking about old family holidays.  There were only two spoilers for the evening.  Mrs Stace and I were still shattered from the travelling – it seems that getting up at 4:30 (UK time) driving 60 miles to work and back, doing 4 hours (and forgetting to drink due to trying to get everything in the office completed) and then driving for 9 hours to get to Leicester is not a good idea...

The other was something that I have not had to deal with for some time now…  These days I get warned by my friend who works with me that I let my mannerisms come through too often.  I relax too much and have basically stopped caring about the rumours. Sitting in my aunts living room with everyone there that all came back to me and I spent the night trying to figure out how I should be sitting, talking, what to comment on - what not to comment on.  It was like being back at my parents’ house before telling them last year.  It didn’t spoil the night, but it was exhausting –  and when already shattered it didn’t help.  We left early so that I could drive back to my other aunts safely and slept as soon as my head hit the pillow.

The next morning I woke up with a hangover.  Slightly unfair I thought seeing as I hadn’t drunk for days!  A leftover from the exhaustion and dehydration I think.  A couple cups of tea, and we left for a day’s shopping.

I had arranged to meet up with Lisa this trip, so dropping Mrs Stace off at Waterstones, and after picking up a packet of paracetamol I walked to the Clock Tower of the city I grew up in to meet someone for the first time in about 20 years – when I was young teenager that was always the meeting point…

I met Lisa and her daughters and we went for a drink and chat at Costa (where when they say large cappuccino they mean *large* - I drink large cups of coffee at home, but nothing compared to that!).  We must have spent an hour or so nattering – I hope that it was not too boring for her daughters – and then went to buy a couple of scrap books.   It was great to finally meet up – just a shame that it was on such a rushed weekend!  Hopefully we’ll have a chance to meet up again the next time we are in town.

I met Mrs Stace at Waterstones – with a nice selection of books to add to our collection – we went to pay (picking up along the way a Mouse and Gruffalo soft toys to put on top of the new speakers).  A healthy jacket spud later and we went clothes shopping.  Mrs Stace introduced me to a new brand (well new for me…).  Zara – she likes their clothes and I spotted a nice lilac canvas skirt that I will order online here soon.

A meal with my aunt, her husband and my cousin and his girlfriend (who I haven’t seen for a couple of years) and again a night of chatting, catching up and talking about life the universe and everything.  It got quite late and as we had a lot of driving to do the next day I dropped a hint of how tired I was (felt awful for doing that, but we really needed to be rested before leaving).

The next morning we had a nice cooked breakfast (thanks to my aunt) loaded the car (best bit of 3D puzzling I have done in a long time to get everything in).  The border crossing this time was easy – the French border control saw that we had passports and that was enough (why are the UK agents so useless?).

After we got home we just ate some soup (neither of us wanted anything substantial) and chilled (well I unpacked the speakers, I couldn’t wait :P).  Today has been setting up the stereo, tidying the cables and chilling.  Back to work tomorrow!

I can do without those moments!

This weekend has been a little more stressful then I would have liked... 

My neice has said that she wants a radio controlled car for her birthday.  As RC cars used to be a bit of a hobby of mine we offered to get one for her.  Or rather I offered to rebuild the one I brought when I was in Uni (it's got to be better than buying a throw away one).

So Saturday we were in the local model shop to get the bit's that we needed (wheels, battery, speed controller and as she wants a pink convertable we have had to replace the Escort top with something sporty that we can paint).  We got all the bits needed and I last night I started with the rebuild.  All went well, everything easily removed was cleaned (down to the chassis, but not dismatelling the mechanical bits - I don't have the instructions to put the diffs and AWD transmission box back together :p)

Until this afternoon...  I got the rolling chassis finsihed and was putting in the receiver and speed controller...  New new one doesn't fit...  The connections are all wrong - so it's back to the shop to see if there is another one...

And then the other stress...  I was dressed this evening...  Watching TV whilst Mrs Stace was washing her hair.  Suddenly I get an SMS - 'Your mum and dad are here, can you skype us please'.  Holly crap...  Sent an SMS back - can I call?  My laptop is not set up (good excuse I thought, though it was also a lie). Got another SMS - we wanted to show your parents how easy it is to skype.  Crap.  Rush upstairs and scrub my face clean, quickly change into jeans and t-shirt.  Then try to find my web cam.  It's not anywhere I was looking.  Crap!  In a rush I got my small laptop I use in the train (I have a DTR and an ultra portable - but the DTR has no build in webcam).  No Skype installed.  Crap!  Try to download Skype.  Need my username and password.  Which I forget...  Crap!  Really starting to stress at this point!  Got a reminder sent (at least I have an IMAP account to my email on this machine) and managed to log into Skype and download the installer.

Panic over, called my uncle and got my mum on the screen - who asked my just how long my 10 minutes were!  I could hardly tell her why it too so long with my aunt and uncle listening in on the conversation!

Phew, breath and relax...

A very powerful video

I just came from visiting Jerica's blog, reading her new entry and watching the video link.  I don't think anything I have seen online has affected me as much as this video did.  The tears are still flowing, normally I only occasionally get wet eyed.

The link is here.

All I can think of is how lucky I am to have had parents that supported me when I did get bullied at school, and how they are supporting me now.  And how easily life could have been so different.

Stace

Parental differences...

I had a lovely long chat with my parents again last night.  Well lovely until nearing the end anyway, but more on that later.  I'd planned on giving them a call to say hi and had figured we'd be on the phone for an hour or so - but turned into nearly two in the end, meaning I'm a little tired this morning...

I started with my mum, we talked about how I've been this week (weepy for some reason).  She put it on the stress of Fridays outing.  I'm not so sure. We talked about the therapy session and what not and I started to notice that we deffinately have a changing relationship.  More open for one thing, I can't imagine talking to her so openly 12 months ago.  We also have a lot more of a girly chat when on the phone. Making each other laugh, we do talk about make-up and clothes.  She calls me nasty names for being able to wear heels, where as she can't anymore.  And she said something that I was not expecting, but was such a wonderful thing to hear.

She commented again that I was much more relaxed during the last vacation (I was not pretending to be anything exceot me - I didn't get dressed, but neither did watch the mannarisms etc over the week to make sure I was acting as expected - which is what I normally do), and that the difference in me as a person was instantly visible.  Over the new year when I told her she said whilst she would support me always, she thought my TG'ness (for want of a better phrase) was more dressing, and that she didn't really see the Stacy in me.  She's now changed that around and said that when relaxed it's obvious, and that when she looks at me now she can see the feminine in me, including facial features.  She also thinks I'll make a prettier woman than a handsome man (not sure about the last one, but it was nice to hear anyway - not that I think I'm handsome either...).

Anyway, we were chatting for 45 mins or so and then my dad came on the line.  We didn't speak about 'it' at all, but spent 40 minutes discussing the fact that my airco has died in the car, the cost of oil services on modern cars, fuel economy, power and torque and the interviews I spent nearly all day doing for developers, and what you would trust an apprentice just out of college with in a garage (neat way to get across my point with a couple of the applicants).  In the background I could my mum telling him to stop talking cars, no chance :)

Then when he was about to go my mum said she wanted another word.  First she said that she wanted to make sure that there was nothing I could not discuss with her, she has experience of the possible future from her time at Leicester General, and that there was nothing that I could say that would shock her.  I pointed out that I think I past that point on New Years Eve, she laughed.

Then she got all serious, and nearly had us both in tears.  My parents adore my wife, apparently something that terrifies them at the moment is that if we divorce (they think we will) that they will lose contact with someone they love.  I don't suppose there is much I can do or say there, apart from hope that it doesn't come to that of course...

I'm sure we finished on a high note, but for the life of me can't remember what...  The bit about them losing their daughter in law stuck in my mind somewhat.

Oh, and finally...  I have a nice appointment next week with a friend that knows.  We are going to be discussing implementing TFS 2010 at his current employers, and his wife who is a hairdresser is going to be me some advice about cuts that I can style easily in two ways :)

Vacation, what vacation

Well I've been back in the office now for 2.5 days and I am shattered...  Not as stressed as before my holiday, but very tired.  It's hot and humid here, with thunderstorms only providing brief respite from the oppresive air - at night it takes an age to get to sleep, then the alarm goes at 5:40 again the next morning.  I think I may sleep well at the weekend!  Hope so anyway...

My boss has just given me some scary news, that I have to prep for this afternoon.  He on going on vacation for the next month or so (out one week, back one week then out for three) and so I have to take care of the job applicants in his absence.  My name is currently on a number of job openings that we have on Monsterboard and our web site.  Gulp.  I normally sit in interviews very quietly listening to what the applicants are saying (or not) and asking a few technical questions.  I then give my input as to whether I think they are suitable for the job / our environment.  I looks as though I am going to be the one leading the interview whilst he is away...  Nice to know he has the faith in me, it's a scary prospect of actually doing it though...

I'm also struggling for idea's for presents at the moment.  In a weeks time my counter increments by another year and my in laws are asking what to buy me.  Problem is the things that I would like are expensive (Mrs Stace would say most of what I want is expensive ;p ) or things that I am not sure how much I am comfortable asking for just yet (like a contribution towards the second wardrobe that I am now building seeing as I would like a choice of things to wear when I go out)...

I'm struggling to make my point understood with Mrs Stace about that as well.  I have a couple of outfits, which I like, and she doesn't see the reason why I don't just wear those.  But...  Yes I like them, but they are old, or maybe not quite the best fit.  Or other small niggles that pull at my self confidence.  Going out, whilst I'll admit went better than I was expecting, is still a big thing for me - and I suspect will be for a while.  The thought of going out in something where I am not 100% comfortable kills my confidence somewhat and is something I would rather avoid for a while.  It's bad enough in man mode to leave the house in clothes I am not totally happy with - as Stace, at present, it's worse...

Another vacation over!

Well after 4000km’s I’m back home!  Strange isn’t it no matter how much you enjoy being away there is something great about getting home again afterwards!

So now I have a week and a half’s back reading to do, wish me luck!  And I guess I’ll try a bit of a travelogue over the weekend...

For now though I think the important stuff should come first...

It was great to see my parents again, I hadn’t seen them since 4th (or 3rd, can’t remember) of Jan, a few days after telling them.  They are still fine, more than fine in fact.  I asked if they could see if it’s possible to get a small St Christopher (about my only superstition, strange seeing as I am not religious) to wear as Stace as my everyday one is too big.  I meant to go shopping.  I got there and was given a present by my mum – a beautiful, delicate silver one, on a silver chain.  She said that they were going to put a card with it ‘To Stace, love mum and dad’ but didn’t want to upset Mrs Stace so left that out in the end.  But the fact that they thought about doing that felt great.

Then later in the week she was talking about Birthday cards (I’m another number closer to mid thirties in 13 days) and asked if I wanted a card with ‘Son’ on it, or something else.  I said that son would be fine, but it was great that thay asked...  Then I felt really guilty again for putting it all onto them...

We had a good week in Scotland – I’m pleased to say it was not ‘the’ topic of the week and it’s nice to see that we still have the same relationship as before (I spent hours in the garage looking at the rust and rot that used to be my Spitfire, finally in a garage ready for the restoration; and did some Italian cooking with my mum)

I had ‘the’ conversation with my brother.  We watched England lose to Germany (and I thought great, I wanted him to be in a good mood before we started), told him and his reply was ‘And?  Don’t change nowt.  You show me someone with nothing in their closet and I’ll show you planet X’.  When I said I was at the VU he just said ‘Good Lad’.  That was it, as Mrs Stace later said; it was a bit of an anticlimax!

And finally for today...  During my trip I met up for food, drink and a chat with Jenny.  It’s great to put a person to someone who you know so well, but have never actually met...  It was a great lunch, and thanks again for the cider.  Now I am back home I am planning on enjoying them over the weekend (just one question – should they be cold?)

Apologies to those who I would have liked to try and arrange something with; time and Mrs Stace’s comfort zone were not on my side this trip.  Hopefully next time....

You may want to run that through your head one more time...

I called my dad for fathers day yesterday.  Normally I send a card, but they were all a bit naff so I left it this year.  We had a good chat about the state of the garage (almost ready for the Spit now with doors, electricity, a work bench and a compressor on the way - my parents spoil me, even if I have paid for half the building work to be done), his car, my car, my bike.  It was fun, not a single reference to my GID - which makes a pleasent change.  Not that he has an issue, or that I object to talking about it with them, I just want to make sure that it doesn't define my relationship with my parents.

I spoke to mum as well.  We were talking about how since hy dad has had his heart attack you can tell when he's tired due to changes in his eyes.  Apparently a friends of theirs have the same thing - he had a stroke, has recovered since thankfully, but one of his eyes now closes when he gets tired.  So she said to me 'you men, you think you can hide things from us women - but we know!'.  I answered with 'you may want to run that through you head one more time'  At which point she burst out laughing and asked if I could tell when Mrs Stace was telling a little fib (I can). Totally going against what I said about talking to my dad, but I think it needed saying :)

Damn, just when it was going well!

The last two weeks have been great.  I've been getting on with stuff, both project management stuff and getting my hands dirty in code again.  I'd say I was back to 90% of where I used to be and was enjoying my job again catching up on the things I let lapse during the last 6 months.

Then Thursday and Friday seemed to undo that somewhat.  My phone has not stopped ringing, and during 1 60min meeting I missed 20 emails.  I just can't cope with that it seems - my concentration gets destroyed and I sit staring at the screen again.  Hopefully next week I can get into it again.

That set the tone for yesterday.

I had two conversations where someone started talking about personality types.  And twice I was called a girl.  One time, and I know it was not meant in a nasty way, I was asked when I was starting hormones.  It was with someone who I get along with well, and we enjoy winding each other up - and neither of us takes it serious.  But I just could not answer that.  I had no witty comeback that I could use.  I had to go for the lame smile and saying haha.  Christ, it cut deep.  I'm sitting here tearfully just writing it up.

Then I went out with some ex-colleagues in Amsterdam and again personality questions came up again.  I was the only one who answered differently, and got back - that's a girls response.  No hormone question this time.  But to hear that when you are in a GD dip and not be able to give the answer you want to was almost as bad as the hormone question.

We are all geeks (me the least actually) and the talks went to blogs.  And talking about linking to each others.  I had to work so hard to stop myself saying anything.  Again just sitting in the corner saying nothing and fading into the background.  It was an enjoyable night, but it was bloddy hard as well.

It's not all bad though.  I managed to get a couple of important things organised this week.

I have an intake with a therapist.  Got the number from the VU and called.  He only takes people from the VU and a trans self help group in Amsterdam so I could get an appointment quickly.  Still a week and a half away, but I'm looking forward to starting (it doesn't scare me like the VU - maybe because this is getting my head in order and more than something that may significantly change my life).

Secondly...  I have an appointment to talk to my brother.  I loved his reaction to me making the appointment with him.  "I need to talk to you"  "Why?"  "Because I do"  "OK mate".  He is quite happy go lucky in some things.  Just hope he still is after I've told him.

And finally...  Something happy to end on...  More shopping today.  We are off to do the shoe shopping that should have been done last week.  I just hope they have the shoes in stock!

I want to know how you are...

I had a long conversation with my mum again this weekend.  It's something that I had been putting off, as I just did not want to upset her.  She is a long way away, we can't get to Scotland just yet and doing all these talks over the phone can be quite difficult...

She sent me an SMS asking how we were, I waited until the evening and then called back.  I told her that I've not been OK for a few weeks, but that I am climbing out of it now.  And that I didn't say anything as I didn't want to upset her.

Her response was that she doesn't ask how I am to hear that I am fine, she asks because she wants to know how I am doing, and to try and support me the best she can from Scotland.

We talked about all the things that have been on my mind recently, including the suicidal thoughts from my teenage years to now (but not the last few weeks - progress) and the information evening from the VU.

She said that she was not surprised at the suicide - that she understood why those thoughts would go through my mind.

In all in all I think that we were on the phone for more than an hour, we had some laughs along the way, I had more than a few tears.  I explained to her that as much as I thought I had accepted my TG'ness years ago, I guess I am realising that I had not.  I'd acknowledged it, but obviously not accepted it.  That was a milestone in realisation.

One thing that made her laugh was me doing mascara.  I'm imfamous for having hand tremours.  When I tried to join the RAF as a pilot my mum made the joke that she would know which plane was mine as it would go side to side.

Now imagine having shaking hands.  Then trying to do your eyes.  She thought I meant black marks over my face.  I meant occasional 'OW!' moments as the brush suddenly meets eyeball.  She burst out laughing.  She also asked an interesting question.  I hid the fact that I was TG for many years, with the asscociated stress that comes with it.  She was wondering whether, once I am in a good place gender identity wise, would my hand tremous stop (or at any rate reduce a little) as there would be an amount of stress that would be gone.

I talked to my dad about my Spit - since we had a walk and talk just after his Birthday before Mrs Stace and I left them to come back to Holland we have not really talked about it.  He supports me through my mum - giving me advise whilst on the phone ot mum, but hasn't really spoken to anyone about it - including me.  I don't know whether he is bottleing everything up, or whether he is fine...  Mum thinks the former from what I can tell.

But...  The Spit is moving closer to the start line.  The garage is nearly built, almost has power and in a few weeks the Spit should be under cover for the first time in 1/2 a decade ready for a full body off restoration.  My dad and I can talk cars for hours - something that hasn't changed since I told them I'm pleased to say.  In the end mum made him end the conversation as she is terrified about my phone bill.  I have to say at present that is the least of my worries :)

Finally...

I have a new found respect for Nick Clegg.  I saw an interview on Dutch TV last night where they started in English (I think - sometimes I don't notice when people switch between English and Dutch) and he answered them in... Dutch!  He speaks it better than I do!  I know that he has Dutch linage but still, thinking and answering in Dutch when you don't have to - I was very impressed.  As Mrs Stace pointed out - imagine what was going on in the minds of his supporters.  There he was being interviewed, on TV and probably the only people who could understand him were the TV crew from NOS.

Interesting weekend

I had a very strange weekend.  Highs, lows, pain and fun...

But for now I'll concentrate on the good side, with a little pain thrown in for good measure.

I managed to complete my 5km run in a respectable 23:58 minutes, placing me in the top 10% at 53rd out of 625.  But still not the fastest of my team, bah.  It was really hard running with blazing sun and high temperatures (it was the first decent day of the year over here) and in Hilversum there are...  Hills.  That's not how it got it's name though - that's just coincidence.  In Holland that's a little of a rarity, and where I train there is nothing like the hills that are here.  Aiming for a BPM of 170(ish), I actually managed 177 average overall.

About 200m from the end someone from my team came past me, I got a little competitive and decided that I wasn't going to come second without a fight and put on a spurt to keep up.  Then with 150m left I decided to finish on a sprint (198bpm), got a mention from the comentator that I looked like I could do a second lap (no I couldn't), and crossed the line just as I was getting dizzy and nauseous.  For the next 5 mins I could hardly control my movements or stand and just wanted to vommit.  Now I am just in muscle pain :)

But it was a nice run (until the end), I did finish before my team mate, but as he crossed the start line 30 secondsbefore me he beat my.  Never mind, next year :)

A special mention to a couple of colleagues though.  We have someone in the office who is quite blind (he walks with a white stick).  And another who is a fitness freak.  The second gave up his chance of a good time in the 10km (he would be top 10 easily), and the first trained hard and managed an extremely respectable 29:53 for the 5km.  Well done to them both!

And finally...  Another call with my folks, another reason for me to smile.  They have been for a weekend away, and wanted to know how my run went so I gave them a call last night.  Dressed, Mrs Stace had done my eyes so for once I didn't look like a freak - and got good pointers for next time!  We had a good chat and at the end I asked what they were planning to spend on my birthday.  And would they mind buying me an epilator.  And the good news is that they have no issues with it at all, and I ended up have a chat with my mum about the annoyance of shaving legs.  And it felt natural, unforced, and much more like a mother / daughter conversation than a mother son conversation, esp with me dressed at the time (though my mum didn't know that).  It was really great and the first time for a while that I have felt like 'me' for the whole evening.