Things have setted down since last weeks stress filled days, thankfully! I have had many walks with the ICT manager, and his boss the Finance Director and we have something that we can work with. Time will tell if it's lip service or something that is really going to make a difference, but we'll see.
But... I've had enough good going on outside of work, so I think I'll do some a little catch up post.
I had my hair cut last week, so I got changed at my friends flat, and went to another friends (and ex colleagues) to make food. When ever we meet up I get fed, his wife refuses to let me pay for her cutting my hair and they have helped me tremendously. So I though I would pay them back by cooking them food for a change. Nothing spectacular, just a simple spinach, pesto and cream cheese pasta.
the food went down OK, I had a nice chat with his wife and mother in law; his mother in law agrees with my dad about the length of my skirt - saying just above the knee is too short for a 30 something, but making pains to point out that you shouldn't change what you wear because of someone else's opinion. But she disagrees with my mum that at 178 I should avoid heels, saying I looked very natural in them - and this being Holland was not overly tall. I also got a compliment on my legs :)
We went for a drink, and I was completely relaxed in the cafe again, no feeling nauseous this time - just a nice relaxing drink.
The next day was therapy. So again it was get changed after work and then drive to Amsterdam. I met a couple of my colleagues neighbours on the way out with nothing more than a cheery hello. Outside whilst putting the rucksack with my other clothes into the boot so that they would be out of sight when the car was parked a woman came past walking a bike. We exchanged hello and then she commented on my shoes - I was in opaque tights and black shoes, with wooden looking heels. She said at first glance she thought I was just walking on the wood as the shoes blend in so well - and how great they looked. I was flabbergasted! Not only did my Dutch not let me down in my stress, but it was just a great conversation. I was quite happy driving to my therapists that day :)
We discussed this in therapy, and also the visit to the VU, and how much it relaxed me. He asked how I got on with the therapist at the VU. I think that we got on great, there was a click and we had a great conversation during the appointment. When asking how I had told people I talked of when I told my friend - the first person I told. The pictures on the screen in the pub of a couple of guys in drag during a party and me saying 'They need to learn how to wear those' and then later following it up with 'I said that as I do'. At which point the psychologist said 'Yes, I saw that immediately, you certainly do know how to wear one well'
So I said to my therapist (it gets very confusing when you have more than one...) I think that was a compliment. Probably... Maybe... Do you think? At which point he said is a faux cross voice 'Will you stop being so English, so ****ing modest! Of course it was a compliment - you need to start taking them as such!'
So maybe I need to start...
And lastly, though not deliberately... A colleague brought some goodies into the office to celebrate his sons birth on Tuesday. He did something out of the Dutch ordinary, rather than bringing Beschuit met muisjes' with him he brought lots of interesting things with a dollop of chocolate and muisjes in the chocolate (I suggest Googling that, as it's easier than me explaining ;p). A couple of the guys complained, I commented that at least it meant we got chocolate. Our web master (who makes lots of such comments, I wonder if he either knows or has an idea...) commented 'That's just another female trait that you have!' (or words to that effect).
I didn't complain :)
Showing posts with label professional help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label professional help. Show all posts
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
False Hope, Panic and Validations
I've had a bit of a mixed bag over the last couple of weeks. I've been really down, a couple of anxiety attacks meaning that I had to walk out from my office with my eyes welling up five minutes before a meeting last week and I've been back on my Validispert herbal tablets again. The reasons I won't go into just yet. I have not worked then through my head properly yet... (But please don't panic - it's nothing bad)
But...
The fasle hope in the title comes from last Thursday. I had just finished my weekly run with colleagues and called Mrs Stace to let her know that I had left and would be home in an hour or so.
She told me that there was a letter from the VU (the hospital where the gender clinic is based) so we assumed it was the date for my first appointment. Hope.
Then the panic started about what this means for my life (is this normal?). It made for a not very pleasent drive home.
I got in picked up the letter and looked at it for a while, Mrs Stace asked what was wrong, I told her I was panicing a little. Eventually opened it and found out that it wasn't the appointment after all. (False Hope then).
They are having a lecture on the details of the treatment, and it was an invitation for me (and family & friends) to go and see what the process involes. From first appointment through to after GRS care.
Me and Mrs Stace are going, I don't think we'll be taking the family along. Mrs Stace is concerned because it covers the whole process - which is not my aim at present. But we've discussed it and seeing as whether I go down the path or not it's useful information, and the first phase is something that will affect me no matter what.
The validations... Phone calls again. But I was over the moon - it really picked me up yesterday.
I had to call UPS as they have messed up the invoice of sending my amp back to Cyrus - and it's now (incorrectly) in the financial system of my employer...
I called them, got into a bit of a heated discussion and kept being told 'Calm down madam' by the person on the other end of the phone :) Even when I was quite angry... Mrs Stace thought that I would get too distracted by being happy with the 'madam' to keep focused on why I was angry with them, but I managed it ;p
And the other... I have to have a medical check-up to transfer my UK license to an NL one, as the UK license from the 90's has a whole bunch of interesting categories that you have to take seperate tests for in Holland - complete with regular medicals. So I called the 'Arbo' doctors who can do the test, gave them my name and address (gender was never asked) and recieved a letter yesterday that started with 'Dear Mrs' (Well 'mevrouw' - but close enough).
(Oh, and for Leslie - my current ear worm is 'The Blue Danube' from the 1987 Vienna New Years Concert)
But...
The fasle hope in the title comes from last Thursday. I had just finished my weekly run with colleagues and called Mrs Stace to let her know that I had left and would be home in an hour or so.
She told me that there was a letter from the VU (the hospital where the gender clinic is based) so we assumed it was the date for my first appointment. Hope.
Then the panic started about what this means for my life (is this normal?). It made for a not very pleasent drive home.
I got in picked up the letter and looked at it for a while, Mrs Stace asked what was wrong, I told her I was panicing a little. Eventually opened it and found out that it wasn't the appointment after all. (False Hope then).
They are having a lecture on the details of the treatment, and it was an invitation for me (and family & friends) to go and see what the process involes. From first appointment through to after GRS care.
Me and Mrs Stace are going, I don't think we'll be taking the family along. Mrs Stace is concerned because it covers the whole process - which is not my aim at present. But we've discussed it and seeing as whether I go down the path or not it's useful information, and the first phase is something that will affect me no matter what.
The validations... Phone calls again. But I was over the moon - it really picked me up yesterday.
I had to call UPS as they have messed up the invoice of sending my amp back to Cyrus - and it's now (incorrectly) in the financial system of my employer...
I called them, got into a bit of a heated discussion and kept being told 'Calm down madam' by the person on the other end of the phone :) Even when I was quite angry... Mrs Stace thought that I would get too distracted by being happy with the 'madam' to keep focused on why I was angry with them, but I managed it ;p
And the other... I have to have a medical check-up to transfer my UK license to an NL one, as the UK license from the 90's has a whole bunch of interesting categories that you have to take seperate tests for in Holland - complete with regular medicals. So I called the 'Arbo' doctors who can do the test, gave them my name and address (gender was never asked) and recieved a letter yesterday that started with 'Dear Mrs' (Well 'mevrouw' - but close enough).
(Oh, and for Leslie - my current ear worm is 'The Blue Danube' from the 1987 Vienna New Years Concert)
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Aghhh, the **** NHS
OK may seem odd coming from someone who has not personally had anything directly to do with the NHS for 11 years or so, but I have indirectly since I told my parents.
My mum went to her Doctor to find out who she could speak to to help her understand the bombshell I dropped on New Years Eve. Apparently the doctor tried to be helpful, and did some investigations for her. The result is what has riled me.
The only thing the NHS will do for my parents is... Refer them to a sexual health clinic. To discuss how my news on being transgender has affected them. *I* wouldn't expect to be sent to a sexual health clinic if I went to the doctor there and said I needed to speak to someone out it, so why on earth should my parents be sent there? It's insanity...
On top of that, and the real stange one for me. They won't speak to my parents about how it is affecting them unless I go in person (1600km's away 99% of the year) to give my permission as their feelings are connected to my news. WTF. What right do I have to say my parents can't discuss their own feelings.
I just don't get it... I think I'm going to have to do some searching for them and find a private therapist.
Other than that it was a nice chat again. We hadn't spoken for a while, and yesterday I just a text from her asking how we were so I gave her a call.
And lied a little... I've been pretty down the last couple of weeks, but didn't really want to get into it last night. No doubt we'll talk again soon and we can go over it in more detail.
And... She's sent me my yearly package of Mini Eggs! I am totally addicted to these things, but you can't find them over here. Ergo each Easter I get a red cross package full of them :) They take a while to arrive though - they were posted more than a week ago, and still no sign of them. I hope the postie hasn't eaten them!
Update: They are located in the far North of Scotland (about 30 miles north of Inverness) - which doesn't help... (Thanks Chrissie for pointing out that I missed this )
My mum went to her Doctor to find out who she could speak to to help her understand the bombshell I dropped on New Years Eve. Apparently the doctor tried to be helpful, and did some investigations for her. The result is what has riled me.
The only thing the NHS will do for my parents is... Refer them to a sexual health clinic. To discuss how my news on being transgender has affected them. *I* wouldn't expect to be sent to a sexual health clinic if I went to the doctor there and said I needed to speak to someone out it, so why on earth should my parents be sent there? It's insanity...
On top of that, and the real stange one for me. They won't speak to my parents about how it is affecting them unless I go in person (1600km's away 99% of the year) to give my permission as their feelings are connected to my news. WTF. What right do I have to say my parents can't discuss their own feelings.
I just don't get it... I think I'm going to have to do some searching for them and find a private therapist.
Other than that it was a nice chat again. We hadn't spoken for a while, and yesterday I just a text from her asking how we were so I gave her a call.
And lied a little... I've been pretty down the last couple of weeks, but didn't really want to get into it last night. No doubt we'll talk again soon and we can go over it in more detail.
And... She's sent me my yearly package of Mini Eggs! I am totally addicted to these things, but you can't find them over here. Ergo each Easter I get a red cross package full of them :) They take a while to arrive though - they were posted more than a week ago, and still no sign of them. I hope the postie hasn't eaten them!
Update: They are located in the far North of Scotland (about 30 miles north of Inverness) - which doesn't help... (Thanks Chrissie for pointing out that I missed this )
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Just promise me one thing...
Well after a very odd week (up and down like a rollercoaster) and a depressed post a couple of days ago it definately ended on a high.
After weeks of lathargicness, and inability to exercise (when I tried I did half of what I normally did and ended up so exhausted I couldn't even get off of the sofa to get a drink for 30 mins) I finally got back into the swing last weekend.
Saturday I skated for the first time (no snow!) and managed 6km's, sunday I went running and also managed 6km's. Not the quickest I've ever done the 6KM's in question - but a good start. And I managed to join in the office running training group for the first time this year (I missed the first 4 due to a mixture of illness and appointments).
Hopefully today I'll get a chance to go skating again - I have to say I do prefer it to running...
And the high?
I called my parents last night (I have odered them a Wii and Wii Fit Plus from amazon and the first half arrived last night). We chatted about the Wii and general stuff, and then got on to the subject of me (god that sounds self obsessed...). I wanted to know if they had decided to speak to anyone. Turns out my mum has, but my dad doesn't have anyone just yet.
Mum told her best friend, she picked this friend as they have a good relationship and she is married to someone with a gay son. Her friend took it well, and they have had a good talk. Mum says that once she told her she felt like a weight had been lifted (sound familiar anyone?) so it's really done her good. Her friend said that she wouldn't tell her husband, but mum said no, please do - "his dad needs someone to talk to as well, and it would be nice if we could all talk about this together if needed".
She's been to her doctor who is going to try and get hold of the books that doctors use for dealing with transgendered people, and try to find a professional for them to speak to. The problem I have here is that they may have to pay, which they have said they will do. But they are not the highest paid people and I feel really guilty at them having to pay out because of me. I would offer to pay for them, but if the worst happends between Mrs Stace and I then I do not know *if* I can afford to do that for them as I'll have some quite big bills coming.
I found out that she has also told her boss - she was having some bad days at work - who has apparently also been fine about it, and offered help if and when mum needs it.
And someone who she will never tell: another one of her good friends. Whilst at work the son a a resident (she works in a care home) who is gay was helping his dad into a chair in the sun and she made a comment. Not in itself homophobic, but said in a way that made mum decide that she wouldn't know. It's a shame she has that attitude about people who are different as it is another clsoe friend of mum who keep son offering help as she can see something is bothering her.
Then I got on to two people who I feel I have to tell (why does you brain do this to you, who do you have the *need* to tell people?).
The first is my brother. I said I would never tell him, but I feel that it is just not on. He is the only close family member that does not know - and I feel that it not fair on him. I would not want to find out at some point in the future that everybody knew except for me, and I can't do that to him. I have no idea how he is going to take it, and I have to wait as well as I am not going to do it over the phone and I do not know when I am going to see him again.
And the other is my boss. I just can't keep on doing the cloak and dagger discussions when we discuss how I am doing. He'll be fine with it I'm sure. Whilst running we had a great conversatioin about Dutch politics. (The Dutch goverment fell a week ago). He said that he always voted liberal 'because it's always better that someone is who they, than they struggle to fit into someones arbitary stereotype that has been imposed on them'. That was very nice to hear as you can imagine.
We discussed how to tell both of them (I am so relieved that I can discuss this with my parents). Bascically with my brother I just have to tell him face to face. Either he is going to take it well, or he is going to flip and walk off.
My boss... We think that asking him to go for a drink after work one day and telling him outside of the office envronment is likely to be the best idea. I'm going to speak to him on Monday I think.
By this point their food had been ruined (more guilt for me that mum said don't be daft - they'd never hang up on me when discussing something like this) and they had to get ready for a long trip they are probably on as I write this (my brother has given them a car from his lot at cost and is driving to Glasgow to swap it with mums current car) so I had a quick chat with dad and we called it a night - I'm going to call them on Sunday and set up a web chat so I can help them put thier Wii on the TV.
And the Promise of the title?
Half way through the talk mum said their was one thing she was scared of (I thought she was going to say if you decide to transition). What she was worried about was 'If you decide to transition that you start to dress outragously' She is worried that I am going to go all out OTT and end up a media interpretation of a transsexual. So I told her what my style is (I'm Smart Casual in bloke mode and Smart Casual in Stacy mode. The style doesn't change, just the clothes. She asked what smart casual was so I told her my favorite outfit (My new heels - 2 1/2 inch stilettos, not too high, skin or black tights, a beige canvas above the knee skirt and a black top). Basically what a 33 year old woman could wear to the office. That pleased both of us. Her knowing what my style is, and me discussing an outfit for Stacy with my mum.
Well I think I've waffled long enough her... Have a good weekend all!
After weeks of lathargicness, and inability to exercise (when I tried I did half of what I normally did and ended up so exhausted I couldn't even get off of the sofa to get a drink for 30 mins) I finally got back into the swing last weekend.
Saturday I skated for the first time (no snow!) and managed 6km's, sunday I went running and also managed 6km's. Not the quickest I've ever done the 6KM's in question - but a good start. And I managed to join in the office running training group for the first time this year (I missed the first 4 due to a mixture of illness and appointments).
Hopefully today I'll get a chance to go skating again - I have to say I do prefer it to running...
And the high?
I called my parents last night (I have odered them a Wii and Wii Fit Plus from amazon and the first half arrived last night). We chatted about the Wii and general stuff, and then got on to the subject of me (god that sounds self obsessed...). I wanted to know if they had decided to speak to anyone. Turns out my mum has, but my dad doesn't have anyone just yet.
Mum told her best friend, she picked this friend as they have a good relationship and she is married to someone with a gay son. Her friend took it well, and they have had a good talk. Mum says that once she told her she felt like a weight had been lifted (sound familiar anyone?) so it's really done her good. Her friend said that she wouldn't tell her husband, but mum said no, please do - "his dad needs someone to talk to as well, and it would be nice if we could all talk about this together if needed".
She's been to her doctor who is going to try and get hold of the books that doctors use for dealing with transgendered people, and try to find a professional for them to speak to. The problem I have here is that they may have to pay, which they have said they will do. But they are not the highest paid people and I feel really guilty at them having to pay out because of me. I would offer to pay for them, but if the worst happends between Mrs Stace and I then I do not know *if* I can afford to do that for them as I'll have some quite big bills coming.
I found out that she has also told her boss - she was having some bad days at work - who has apparently also been fine about it, and offered help if and when mum needs it.
And someone who she will never tell: another one of her good friends. Whilst at work the son a a resident (she works in a care home) who is gay was helping his dad into a chair in the sun and she made a comment. Not in itself homophobic, but said in a way that made mum decide that she wouldn't know. It's a shame she has that attitude about people who are different as it is another clsoe friend of mum who keep son offering help as she can see something is bothering her.
Then I got on to two people who I feel I have to tell (why does you brain do this to you, who do you have the *need* to tell people?).
The first is my brother. I said I would never tell him, but I feel that it is just not on. He is the only close family member that does not know - and I feel that it not fair on him. I would not want to find out at some point in the future that everybody knew except for me, and I can't do that to him. I have no idea how he is going to take it, and I have to wait as well as I am not going to do it over the phone and I do not know when I am going to see him again.
And the other is my boss. I just can't keep on doing the cloak and dagger discussions when we discuss how I am doing. He'll be fine with it I'm sure. Whilst running we had a great conversatioin about Dutch politics. (The Dutch goverment fell a week ago). He said that he always voted liberal 'because it's always better that someone is who they, than they struggle to fit into someones arbitary stereotype that has been imposed on them'. That was very nice to hear as you can imagine.
We discussed how to tell both of them (I am so relieved that I can discuss this with my parents). Bascically with my brother I just have to tell him face to face. Either he is going to take it well, or he is going to flip and walk off.
My boss... We think that asking him to go for a drink after work one day and telling him outside of the office envronment is likely to be the best idea. I'm going to speak to him on Monday I think.
By this point their food had been ruined (more guilt for me that mum said don't be daft - they'd never hang up on me when discussing something like this) and they had to get ready for a long trip they are probably on as I write this (my brother has given them a car from his lot at cost and is driving to Glasgow to swap it with mums current car) so I had a quick chat with dad and we called it a night - I'm going to call them on Sunday and set up a web chat so I can help them put thier Wii on the TV.
And the Promise of the title?
Half way through the talk mum said their was one thing she was scared of (I thought she was going to say if you decide to transition). What she was worried about was 'If you decide to transition that you start to dress outragously' She is worried that I am going to go all out OTT and end up a media interpretation of a transsexual. So I told her what my style is (I'm Smart Casual in bloke mode and Smart Casual in Stacy mode. The style doesn't change, just the clothes. She asked what smart casual was so I told her my favorite outfit (My new heels - 2 1/2 inch stilettos, not too high, skin or black tights, a beige canvas above the knee skirt and a black top). Basically what a 33 year old woman could wear to the office. That pleased both of us. Her knowing what my style is, and me discussing an outfit for Stacy with my mum.
Well I think I've waffled long enough her... Have a good weekend all!
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Another, better, phone call
I got back home on Tuesday evening to an answer phone message from my mum asking how I was. I'm thinking that she guessed I was as upset as them when we had finished the call on Sunday.
I called her back last night when I got in from work, we go to dance lessons on Wednesday and calls with my parents take a long time when we are talking about nothing, let along when it 'something'. So I had to assume she wasn't at work at what would have been really early in the UK.
Thanksfully she was not working afternoons and picked up.
She wondered why I was calling, and took a moment to register that she had left me the message yesterday.
Asked how I was, I said I was fine (typical English response) and followed it with except for on the train on the way home where I almost cried, on the bus where it got closer and walking home when I did cry. She asked why, I said because sometimes I can't see how I can cope not changing, I can't see how Mrs Stace can cope even if I don't and was just seeing everything falling apart. Some days it's really bad, yesterday was one of those days.
She has decided that she should see someone to find out more and to get help (I'm so pleased she has decided to do this) and went through what her and my dad are currently feeling. The word she used, as I have read a lot online, is grieving for her lost son. But she didn't spend any time telling me that I wasn't this call.
She had some questions though to try and help her understand:
1) When I was there over New Year I only shaved a couple of times: How can you stand to have facial hair if you feel that way
2) In the mornings when making coffee you went into the kitchen just wearing trousers, a lady wouldn't do that
Answer to the first was easy - I had forgotten my electric razor, and as my beard (if you can call it that) grows so slowly I can't wet shave more than once every two days. As I went for a special reason I had to time my shaving to travel + those days which meant I could not shave when I wanted.
The second is more problematic. I have a mans body, I have lived for 33 years as male. Whilst I am not comfortable taking my top off in everyday life this was in my parents house at 7 in the morning when getting fully dressed just to get a senseo coffee and go back to bed would have caused comment. Is that thinking normal for someone in my position?
But it wasn't full on contradicting what I think as it was on Sunday.
We then discussed a few other things. Again her saying she wanted to be able to do something pro-active to help me. She is upset that I must have lived such an awful life. I corrected her here. I hated my time in school, that much is true. But I have a job I like, a wife I love, a nice house to live in and a life that in general isn't bad. It it was the the decision to transition would be much simpler, but I have so much good in my life it makes life difficult (I appriciate that's an oxymoron).
We talked about the rock and hard place from this: Don't know how to live as current me, don't want to think about losing Mrs Stace. As either way is not really 100% happy and as that's what she wants for me she doesn't know what to say.
She also said that me changing would not make her and dad happy as they would be losing their son completely, and even if I transitioned how could she shake the fact that I am the son she gave birth to, but if that is what it takes to make me happy they'll support me 100%. I did point out that keeping that attitude (and keeping it) helps me more than anything else they can do...
We talked about my brother finding out (arrived there from the good life with friends etc). I said I can only think of one or two in the entire family that would *possibly* be OK with it. She has different thoughts there. If it ever reaches them knowing we'll find out.
I ended saying that there was one thing she said on Sunday that did make me feel very happy. The fact that when she said I was two people and used both names. Stupid little thing but that lifted my spirits no end. She answered that she didn't think it was stupid and that's just who I am so of course it's nice to hear.
Hopefully with the right information from a decent therapist they can work though this is a good way.
Anyway - I had better end here. I'm starting to get tearful again in a room full of people.
Update: I was starting to get tearful, but not in a bad way (I don't think)! At least I didn't feel really upset... Don't worry is what I am trying to say in a roundabout way
I called her back last night when I got in from work, we go to dance lessons on Wednesday and calls with my parents take a long time when we are talking about nothing, let along when it 'something'. So I had to assume she wasn't at work at what would have been really early in the UK.
Thanksfully she was not working afternoons and picked up.
She wondered why I was calling, and took a moment to register that she had left me the message yesterday.
Asked how I was, I said I was fine (typical English response) and followed it with except for on the train on the way home where I almost cried, on the bus where it got closer and walking home when I did cry. She asked why, I said because sometimes I can't see how I can cope not changing, I can't see how Mrs Stace can cope even if I don't and was just seeing everything falling apart. Some days it's really bad, yesterday was one of those days.
She has decided that she should see someone to find out more and to get help (I'm so pleased she has decided to do this) and went through what her and my dad are currently feeling. The word she used, as I have read a lot online, is grieving for her lost son. But she didn't spend any time telling me that I wasn't this call.
She had some questions though to try and help her understand:
1) When I was there over New Year I only shaved a couple of times: How can you stand to have facial hair if you feel that way
2) In the mornings when making coffee you went into the kitchen just wearing trousers, a lady wouldn't do that
Answer to the first was easy - I had forgotten my electric razor, and as my beard (if you can call it that) grows so slowly I can't wet shave more than once every two days. As I went for a special reason I had to time my shaving to travel + those days which meant I could not shave when I wanted.
The second is more problematic. I have a mans body, I have lived for 33 years as male. Whilst I am not comfortable taking my top off in everyday life this was in my parents house at 7 in the morning when getting fully dressed just to get a senseo coffee and go back to bed would have caused comment. Is that thinking normal for someone in my position?
But it wasn't full on contradicting what I think as it was on Sunday.
We then discussed a few other things. Again her saying she wanted to be able to do something pro-active to help me. She is upset that I must have lived such an awful life. I corrected her here. I hated my time in school, that much is true. But I have a job I like, a wife I love, a nice house to live in and a life that in general isn't bad. It it was the the decision to transition would be much simpler, but I have so much good in my life it makes life difficult (I appriciate that's an oxymoron).
We talked about the rock and hard place from this: Don't know how to live as current me, don't want to think about losing Mrs Stace. As either way is not really 100% happy and as that's what she wants for me she doesn't know what to say.
She also said that me changing would not make her and dad happy as they would be losing their son completely, and even if I transitioned how could she shake the fact that I am the son she gave birth to, but if that is what it takes to make me happy they'll support me 100%. I did point out that keeping that attitude (and keeping it) helps me more than anything else they can do...
We talked about my brother finding out (arrived there from the good life with friends etc). I said I can only think of one or two in the entire family that would *possibly* be OK with it. She has different thoughts there. If it ever reaches them knowing we'll find out.
I ended saying that there was one thing she said on Sunday that did make me feel very happy. The fact that when she said I was two people and used both names. Stupid little thing but that lifted my spirits no end. She answered that she didn't think it was stupid and that's just who I am so of course it's nice to hear.
Hopefully with the right information from a decent therapist they can work though this is a good way.
Anyway - I had better end here. I'm starting to get tearful again in a room full of people.
Update: I was starting to get tearful, but not in a bad way (I don't think)! At least I didn't feel really upset... Don't worry is what I am trying to say in a roundabout way
Monday, 14 September 2009
Monday, Monday
Good morning all, time to start another week!!!
Well after weeks of feeling down, depressed and tired as hell I'm finally feeling like I'm getting back.
Seems like a long time since I've been this settled - and I think that it was a lot of things starting to pile on top of each other.
Firstly the whole 'crossdressing' weight on my mind was getting to me. A discussion with my other half (as discussed in an earlier post) helped a lot here, and a discussion with a friend settled me too. He's the only person who I told how I was felling in my head (though I did not say why...) and he came up with a couple of idea's as he has been going through similar issues - with his head, not with dressing - and has some experience.
1) See someone professional - he said that he could see the issues I was having for a few weeks and need to sort it before it gets too much. Not quite ready for that yet, but never say never.
2) He gave me a diary - just to write down what is in my head when I need to. Just get everything out and on paper. I did this on the train going home last week. Started off not knowing what to do, ended up writing three pages of the most personal stuff in my head and before I knew it I was nearly at the other end.
The diary has *really* cleared my head. I slept for the first time in weeks that night without waking up until the alarm went off. And it's stayed that way since. Can definately recomend it if you are going through a rough patch... I now keep it with me at all times. Only problem is that I'm terrified that someone is going to find it. It's not quite as annonymous as this blog is with it being in my possession at all times :)
The other big thing that happened recently is my dad, who's only 59, had a heart attack about 6 weeks ago. That completely knocked me for 6. That fact that I left the UK a decade ago and he's over 1000 miles away doesn't help either.
But he's now had surgery and is recovering very well. That's a big weight lifted off of my shoulders as well. Can't wait to see my folks again the next time they come over.
So time to start another weeks work, let's see if the good attitude continues.
TTFN,
Stace
PS: Wayhay!!! My first follower Lynn! Thanks - for the comment too. I was wondering whether to remove the techy bit from the blog, but I think I'll leave it in. It may even appear later this week :)
Well after weeks of feeling down, depressed and tired as hell I'm finally feeling like I'm getting back.
Seems like a long time since I've been this settled - and I think that it was a lot of things starting to pile on top of each other.
Firstly the whole 'crossdressing' weight on my mind was getting to me. A discussion with my other half (as discussed in an earlier post) helped a lot here, and a discussion with a friend settled me too. He's the only person who I told how I was felling in my head (though I did not say why...) and he came up with a couple of idea's as he has been going through similar issues - with his head, not with dressing - and has some experience.
1) See someone professional - he said that he could see the issues I was having for a few weeks and need to sort it before it gets too much. Not quite ready for that yet, but never say never.
2) He gave me a diary - just to write down what is in my head when I need to. Just get everything out and on paper. I did this on the train going home last week. Started off not knowing what to do, ended up writing three pages of the most personal stuff in my head and before I knew it I was nearly at the other end.
The diary has *really* cleared my head. I slept for the first time in weeks that night without waking up until the alarm went off. And it's stayed that way since. Can definately recomend it if you are going through a rough patch... I now keep it with me at all times. Only problem is that I'm terrified that someone is going to find it. It's not quite as annonymous as this blog is with it being in my possession at all times :)
The other big thing that happened recently is my dad, who's only 59, had a heart attack about 6 weeks ago. That completely knocked me for 6. That fact that I left the UK a decade ago and he's over 1000 miles away doesn't help either.
But he's now had surgery and is recovering very well. That's a big weight lifted off of my shoulders as well. Can't wait to see my folks again the next time they come over.
So time to start another weeks work, let's see if the good attitude continues.
TTFN,
Stace
PS: Wayhay!!! My first follower Lynn! Thanks - for the comment too. I was wondering whether to remove the techy bit from the blog, but I think I'll leave it in. It may even appear later this week :)
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Still going...
Hmm... I was going to try for a post a week... On the way home from work today I had a head full of idea's for what to write. Then when I opened the post window... Nothing... Gone... Empty head.
Let's see what comes out when I start to write...
Overall I'm in a swinging well this week between my two states of happy and depressed.
On one hand I had a review at my job today and it went great. Not only are they still happy with me (always good in this climat) but we also got to talk about my short comings (mainly that I am too short with people when it's not going great) and my lack of self confidence. It actually felt good to open up (a little at least) and made me think maybe I do need to speak to someone professionally. (Generally happy)
It also made me think that maybe I should talk to my other half more - but that is not always easy to do when you don't actually know what you want to say... (Currently depressed)
Hmm... Lots to think about - which doesn't actually help matters...
I was actually aiming for a happier overall tone to this post... See if I can find something nice to add at the end of the week.
Let's see what comes out when I start to write...
Overall I'm in a swinging well this week between my two states of happy and depressed.
On one hand I had a review at my job today and it went great. Not only are they still happy with me (always good in this climat) but we also got to talk about my short comings (mainly that I am too short with people when it's not going great) and my lack of self confidence. It actually felt good to open up (a little at least) and made me think maybe I do need to speak to someone professionally. (Generally happy)
It also made me think that maybe I should talk to my other half more - but that is not always easy to do when you don't actually know what you want to say... (Currently depressed)
Hmm... Lots to think about - which doesn't actually help matters...
I was actually aiming for a happier overall tone to this post... See if I can find something nice to add at the end of the week.
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