Got back from the doctors a few mins ago. It went great, she was very understanding, friendly and helpful. By the end of the consultation she asked how I was feeling and if I had relaxed a little.
I had relaxed, and thanked her for making it much easier than I was expecting. She looked shocked and asked what I thought was going happen - did I think she was just going to say 'no I'm not doing anything for you'. I answered that I had heard horror stories from the UK...
She has given me a referal to the VU in Amsterdam .The Gender Clinic there has a very good name apparently, which I would expect - it's one of the best University Hospitals in NL.
I've called and will have an intake early next year. But... Being one of the best it also has a major waiting list. 9 months from the intake. The call was very odd for me. Considering that I've spent the last 30 years never mentioning it the phone call was (obviously in hindsight) extremely frank and for the first time I was asked what my 'birth sex' is - as opposed to gender.
At the moment I'm more relaxed than I have been for days. I still have a lot of nervous energy which I am going to pound into the tarmac round the lake near my house. I'm thinking 6km's should take care of it. But it just seems like nervous energy at this moment in time, rather than thoughts rolling over and over in my head.
My boss has been great - although not being able to tell him *what* the problem is means that his attemps at help are not always the correct way forward. But he means well. I just explained I was having major personal issues, and I may need to leave for a walk occasionally, and I may not be 100% efficient - but it has nothing to do with my love of the job. He said that he'd never assume that of me and to do what I needed.
I'm giving myself this afternoon working from home to try and land on terra firma again from this morning, then back to the office tomorrow.
Right, time to get changed and hit the pavement!