Saturday, 5 December 2009

Wednesday Morning 3am

Well Saturday morning 7am... But still too early to be up and doing stuff.

To begin with appologies for the Americanism that's about to follow but I cant think of an appropriate English phrase :)

It's been a hell of a week

In the office it was a little sombre as you can imagine - slowly getting back to normal towards the end. There was a rememberance book for those who wanted to sign, but in the beginning it was on his desk - and I just can't do emotions publically.

It was moved after the first day to a private room, and on Wednesday when I got to the office I went and left my message. I welled up as I wrote it, just a simple couple of lines.

On the personal issues front things have changed a lot in the last couple of weeks. The epiphany from a couple of weeks ago came from reading Calies profile. Trans, non-transitioning, happily married.

After 30 years of knwoing, but not quite totally accepting myself this just jumped at me. And caused some more sleepless nights.

My issue now is that my better half knows about my dressing, and I think has an idea that it goes further. But I haven't told her everything. I'm ashamed of the last, but got scared. I really want to tell her everything - and I think that I have to for the sake of my head - but the thought of doing it terrifies me. When we first talked of the dressing she said it could never go further as she does not want a relationship with a woman. Whether she means transitioned or not I don't know.

I would not transition - I have too much invested in my life to do that, but I do not know what she would make of full disclosure... Sorry I'm starting to ramble here.

I did however come out to a friend. In totalness. More sleepless nights. But he has been fantastic - I'm not the first person he knows who is trans, and he actually acted exactly the same as I did when a uni friend came out to me. As in not making a big deal about it. I've been wanting to say it for a while - but finally plucked up the courage.

He's gay and when we go drinking it's normally in his local - a gay bar - where they have a screen with pictures of parties on the wall. A few of the people who go to the bar parties are also drag queens - I joked that maybe they should learn how to wear a dress (rather too much on display... - not *that* much but too much - but I digress). I had decided that I was going to do it and asked him to walk to the station with me.

On the way I told him I had something I needed to say - to which he responded that he had a feeling I had something to say for a while.

I went on to say I pointed out the guys who needed to learn how to wear a dress was... Because I knew how to wear one.

'Oh is that all'

'No... not really'

'Oh no, poor you'

He said that he was honoured that I trusted him enough to tell him, and let me know that it was safe with him and any time I needed someone to talk to he was there. Oddly enough he' had head issues himself recently and I said exactly the same thing to him.

Unfortunately at that point my train turned up and I had to leg it. I got a couple of supportive SMS's from him on the way home. Which I had to delete as we both share the phones at night if we need to send / receive an SMS and I'm not ready to tell her that I've come out to someone else yet.

We've spoken since. I said I was surprised that nobody had questioned anything. I've noticed reently that my mannerisms have changed a little. Plus I shave my arms and hands weekly and have an emeryboard on my desk, and I now have slightly long nails that are shaped a little... He just said he had an idea of something - but not how much.

I'm still in two minds about whether it was a good idea. It feels great to have offloaded it after 30 years, a weight has been lifted. It's nice to be able to talk about it. But someone now knows my secret, and I I always have this nagging doubt that talking about things is self obsessed - when I do it - I'll happily listen to others as much as they need, just feel that I am encroaching on others when I do it. (and with that an appology for long self obsessed post...)

Anyway - I hope this post doesn't read too negative. I actuallly see this week as a positive week. Apart from the lack of sleep due to a brain that is working overtime, I feel all the better for it.

And on a techy last note I have to recomend a remote from logitech. The Harmony 525. We got one last night , spent a long time programming it for all the tasks that we have (Watch TV, Watch a BluRay, Listen to the radio etc etc etc). It works great. You point it at the tv system and it does everything for you in one click of a button. As opposed to many clicks of many remotes that we had previously. Well worth the money, and it's great to have one remote instead of 7. Looks kind of classy too as opposed to some of the other universal remotes you can get.

Appologies again for the super long post. Once I started typing I found it hard to stop...

BTW: If any of you haven't already - I recommend this on Bree's blog. I thought it was a very interesting piece.

(Lyrics: Simon and Garfunkle)


  1. Stace, you know that I can relate to all this. Telling your wife everything...well, it might swamp her. Telling all to a trusted friend, that's excellent. Especially since he's gay, he knows how important secrecy is to you.

    I have much to share, but a terrible headache. You don't list an email, but I'd love to go into more depth with you. Write me if you like.

  2. It sounds like you chose a good person to tell. I remember the feeling when I told someone for the first time. It wasent planned it was just the build up of pressure that had to be released.
    I was both exstatic and terrified afterwards even though it went well.
    I know it is difficult to share this with your wife but if you feel you are ready I would plan it as much as you can.
    Think about what mood she is in, make sure there wont be distractions, Plan what you want to say and how much you need to say.
    I let my issues slowly come out over a year or so.
    Baby steps was the approach i took.

  3. There are lots of ways to 'come out' (so to speak) although I think you have to find the one that works for you. :)

    Telling all, may seem tempting: but does Mrs Stacy need to know everything - warts & all? Honestly is a good thing, but equally, a little privacy isn't necessarily a bad thing.

    However you plan to do it - if you do indeed decide to make the leap - good luck!

  4. Thanks to all for the comments.

    Sunday morning 6am and I was nicely awake again...

    The issue that I have with telling Mrs Stacy is that I am not sure how much she has already guessed...

    The only time I am 'me' is around her - I never put on any play of being a 'bloke' as I do in the office (outside of the emeryboard) -in this respect nothing would change should I tell her.

    And in the car one time I let slip that even if I wanted to I wouldn't ever transition due to her. IIRC she answered that with 'So you have thought about it' and I shut up...

    If I told her nothing would change with me, what scares me is what would change with her.