Thursday, 11 February 2010

Two thought provoking entries

I've just read a couple of entries from two people:

Mixed Emotions by Chrissie
Gay No But I Am Queer by Julia

Chrissie's posting deals with her divorce finalisation having a date in court now, and the emotions that that brings up, plus looking forward to the future.

I really wanted to put something supportive in the comments - but when the window came up nothing was there to type. I ended up putting something that's probably comes across as trite - and for that I appologise.

I think there are two reasons why it wasn't happenning:

1) I can only empathise... As yet I have not going through anything like this, and have no idea what to say to people.
2) It's a little close to the possibilities of home at the moment. This afternoon I have an estate agent coming to value the house this afternoon, and to tell us if we should refit the kitchen if we are going to sell later in the year

Ergo I'm a little numb. Mrs Stace is struggling. She accepts me for who and what I am - but therein lies our problem. Even is not dressed she knows that I am not a man, even if I never transition she knows that I am not a man. She sees the inner me. And she is not a lesbian.

Time will tell if she can get over it I suppose. I dressed for the first time since telling her on Sunday - I duscussed it with her first. She asked me not to wear a skirt, I agreed.

We spent time cuddling during the evening, and she got her own back on my by flicking my bra strap open. We were both nervous, but made it through unscathed. This has allowed me to hope that she can come to terms with me - but it's a long way from a done deal, and as put above has nothing to do with whether I transition. Time will tell, as will her therapy that starts 1st March.

Then there was Julia's post.

As I put in my comment there I have never wondered if I was gay. From my ealiest memories I knew I should have been a girl, and spent an amount of time playing with girls when growing up.

When it comes to attraction though it is more complicated. I am not attacted to men in boy mode. In any way shape or form. However, in girl mode I have had my share of crushes - Phillip Scofield, Pierce Brosnan and recently David Tennent to name a few. But all of them in Femme mode. I can't imagine being with a man as a man - that does not fit in my head at all. As a woman however, that's different. Stacy definately has crushes on both men and women.

This is something that I have not yet told Mrs Stace or my parents. It confuse me as I've always said that male me and Stacy are one and the same person, but does this invalidate that point. It's hard enough for me to get my head around it, it seems very odd and weird... Is it?



  1. Stace, nothing you said here struck me as weird. I too have imagined myself as a woman with men. Clooney and Duchovny hold great sway in my imagination. I suspect this is a common thing.

    I frequently find myself not commenting on blogs by full-transitioners. I love their writing, I understand the emotions, I empathize, but I just don't know that I have anything valuable to impart to them. Except the mundane, trite, banal cliches. The silence is slightly less uncomfortable for me.

    Terrific entry!

  2. "She sees the inner me. And she is not a lesbian."

    Yes... I understand that very well, Stace. It was said to me soon after I came out, and was the reason I had to move to different beds in different rooms. E said that she felt my "energy" had changed, and that it was totally female now.

    Therapy for partners of transsexual people is often problematic. E tried Relate, who essentially work with couples and seek empathy and compromise. Such a counselling model is not really relevant to dealing with a situation such as this.

    I do hope things can work out for you both, Pet.


  3. Interesting about the sexual attraction. I have always been attracted to men, even as I tried to live as a man. But the thought of a sexual relationship with a man as a man. It did not fit. I hope that makes sense.

    However the thought of it as a woman. Well that makes sense. The problem is I am not there yet.

    This has always played into my dysphoria and made life miserable.

    Fun note: Robert Downey Jr. and Hugh Jackman are my weakness.

  4. I just read out your post to my wife. She agreed completely and vehemently with Mrs. Stace, she's not comfortable with the thought of herself in a lesbian relationship. It doesn't matter that I can present as the blokiest of blokes to her or that she knows that she is the most important thing in my world and that, and my physical size means any transition worries are remote, the mental side is of primary and foremost importance. She's also frustrated by the fact that having a transgendered partner chose her at random, she didn't sign up for this and as a consequence has a slight feeling that there could be something wrong with her to have found herself in this relationship.

    What to do? Sadly I can't defeminise my brain, so all I can do is be as sensitive as I can to her comfort zone and make sure that her needs are catered for as best I can.

    I consider myself very lucky that I have a wife who is prepared to put up with all this and help me through it, I owe it to her to do as much as I can in return.

  5. Its a difficult one but you need to remember that this is fairly new to your wife.
    It takes us years to understand oursefs and we should not be surprised when our partners struggle.
    If you want your relationship to work it will take communication and patience and compromise.
    Baby steps is a pace I have taken, and I am hopeful we will be together even after I transition.
    I have to say it has not always been that way
    Dont loose heart.

    It could be useful for your wife to speak to some others that have been through this.
    I know my wife has just spoken to the wife of a friend of mine who is now full time and felt it was really usefull.

  6. Leslie: I can go with what you say there. In life I am always the quite one that rarely speaks... I would hope that I can avoid that online - but I hate the though of just writing any old rubbish.

    Thanks for the compliment BTW - I do think it's one of my better entries...

    Chrissie: We're not in seperate rooms yet (I have offered), except for last week when I wasn't sleeping... She has commented in the recent past that she doesn't know if it's the knowledge that she has now, or if it's actually there, but she looks at me and sees the feminine in my features. Seeing as what I see when I look in the mirror I am guessing the former. I just wish there was more I could do. I'm waiting to see what happens after her first appointment next month.

    Kelli: Makes perfect sense to me, in fact it got me wondering whether I am confusing 'cool' with 'crush' in boy mode...

    Oh and I can go with Robert Downey Jr. as well :)

    Jenny: Not only does your wife agree vehemently with what Mrs Stace said, but your sentence about her being frustrated because she did not sign up for it, and questioning herself for finding her in the relationship is something else that Mrs Stace has said to me. Almost word for word.

    Lisa: I know that she needs time to adjust, it's only been two months. As I said above I am waiting to see what happens with her therapist. It's not a relate type of therapy it's personal to her to help her work through it. Once I find and start with a self help group I will suggest that she meets some partners - but for now I think working through with her therapist is what she wants.