Thursday, 22 April 2010

Tough times...

Not a good post today I'm afraid. I'm trying to work through several issues, and figure out where on earth I am supposed to go with them.

In my last post I said I had highs, lows, pain and fun. I pretty much covered the three of the four (and incedently still in a little pain from the run...)

The lows I haven't really touched.

The last month of so has been really bad, GD wise. I can't concentrate, have been back on the valdispeert, my anxiety has peaked again. My work has suffered, and my life outside work has been affected.

Things have really gone south this week. Saturday I could not concentrate on *anything* except the constant anxiety over my GD. I am a telly addict to a degree. I like Saturday nights on BBC 1 (Total Wipeout, Doctor Who, Over the Rainbow) I don't remember anything about the first, the only thing I remember about the second is that it was not the strongest episode I have seen, and the third I just could not get into. I was just totaly inside myself.

Sunday was not too bad, thankfully. The run put the thoughts out of my head somewhat for most of the day and then I got changed when I got home and found peace. I was me. For the whole evening. Not just with the clothes, but totally - I find it hard to explain. But it was the firs time in a while I had shaken the anxiety.

Then that night I felt really guilty about only being anxiety free in that situation - it doesn't bode well for being able to cope now does it. Monday was a nightmare day. Couldn't think about anything, went for lunch with the colleague that I told recently to talk about it more. He would make a great psycologist... However, it brought the thoughts of the night before to the front again. I spent the evening in anxiety mode again, only this time the pills did little to control the physical side of the anxiety. I felt I really needed to dress again and shoot for the same feeling I had Sunday night, but I didn't want to take Mrs Stace's husband away for the second time in two days.

She told to get changed anway if it would help, but then I remember I had to clean the rabbit, and I wasn't going to go into the garden dressed.

That night I told her of my thoughts about not sure how I am going to be able to cope. Neither of us slept well. Me worse than her and at 3am I went to the spare room so as not to disturb her any more.

Tuesday was an absolute zombie day. Not being able to think, and being totally exhausted.

Yesterday went pretty much the same.

Then Mrs Stace told me about something her colleague said regarding regarding death. And I ended up telling her the suicidal thoughts that I have had over the years, many years, since before I was twenty.

Now, I have never *seriously* considered it - I don't want anybody to worry - but standing at train stations I have thought about how a quick jump would stop the constant issues in my head. Or when driving over high bridges etc etc.

After I told her I cried a little - something I can't do very often. I feel that my life is good, if you take a way the GD. But if I feel life is so good why on earth would I work out the best way to end it? And when I go for my first appointment at the VU (that I *hope* to arrange within the next week or two) how on earth is the phychiatrist going to react to that. I can't hide it from them oibviously, but it doesn't sound particularly sane in my head.

I have to say, telling Mrs Stace last night helped a lot. And I do feel better today than I did the last few days.


  1. I know how you feel and how difficult it can be.
    One of the reasons I run most nights is to get rid of the stress of it all.
    It is a challenge getting to a balance with yourself and also that of a partner, and it would seem that you may need to reconsider the amount of time you are able to express your female self to help keep some kind of balance.
    I completely relate to your thoughts on ending it when driving etc.
    Like you I have not actually planned anything but it has crossed my mind and occasionally still does.
    But I know I would never really do anything about it and I know it would certainly be the wrong way to handle it.
    Its much better to resolve the issue than end the symptoms.

    Big Hug

  2. I'm sure most of us can relate to what you are going through right now, Stace. Fortunately you seem to have a sympathetic ear in Mrs. Stace. It's great that you can dress around her, and share your feelings. Being able to talk to a therapist will help too, and don't worry about what a psychiatrist might think of your thoughts about suicide. They've heard it all before. Haven't we all had thoughts like that from time to time? The important thing is that you aren't seriously considering acting on those thoughts. I hope you feel better soon!

    Warm hug!
    Melissa XOXO

  3. The fact that getting it out calmed your anxiety in both cases seems to point to what you really need.

    Having someone to talk to, who will listen to what's going on is needed when our thoughts cause us so much anxiety.

    Mrs. Stace sounds like a wonderful person to be attuned to what you need, willingly encouraging you to let yourself out, including the tears.

    Somehow, having these outlets, I believe you'll be back to happy in no time.


  4. Stace, I can definitely tell you I fight it every single day. In the past I used to distract myself with other things to try and take my mind of it.

    Also it was at the point that you are now that I started talking to a therapist over two years ago. I simply got to the point where I was either going to explode, breakdown or worse. And we all know what 'or worse' is.

    Talking to someone is the best thing you can do and I know it helped me a great deal.

    The only issue now is I need to stop trying to be him. No easy task.

  5. Thanks all. I have to say that after spending yesterday evening dressed again it really does help. Mrs Stace noted that I was instantly less stressed once I was me...

    Just hope that the VU gets their appointment book in order soon so I can start the therapy.


  6. It was at the point at which I realised I was working out how to put my affairs in order that I decided I had to do something about it all and come out to my wife. Dressing with the Mrs. really makes the difference.

  7. Stace...

    That's the nature of the beast, girl... :-(

    You know there's others here who will do what they can to support you....

    And it's also good that you are now explaining to your spouse just how it has made you feel, although it is true that the despair one often feels is hard for others to empathise with, as they cannot imagine the underlying condition.

    Chin up, lass...


  8. It does make the world of difference Jenny, I'm a different person now than I was at the beginning of the week...

    I'm beginning to get that Chrissie, though I don't get why it took so long to get to this stage and why it deteriorated so much in the last 18 months or so.

    The online support is great - just knowing that I am not on my own. And that a lot of what I think is really odd and can't imagine others going through is par for the course.