Just a quickie today about something that strikes me as odd. I've gone over bits of it before, but there is new input now.
I don't normally go into Mrs Stace's therapy. She tells me what she wants to tell me, and I won't blog about it as that is her personal business not mine.
But...
Her therapist came up with something this week that I found interesting. I've said before that I always thought I accepted that I was trans. I tried to ignore it certainly, but I always thought that I accepted it.
Her therapist seems to think that this isn't the case. I said after Tuesday at the VU that it got scary as each step makes it more real to me. Mrs Stace does not have this problem. Her husband sitting there dressed and made up kind of makes it real enough for her.
Her therapist says that points to me not accepting it (or rather that she has accepted it better than I have at present), which thinking about it makes sense. What does that mean for me? That I have simply acknowledged it? That I am simply terrified for the future and what may lie there?
It also gives me another question. If I have simply acknowledged it how do you move from that to aceptance?
I have to get the courage to call the therapist in Amsterdam at some point today. It was a bank holiday yesterday, and both Mrs Stace and I have taken a bridging day to give us a long weekend. That gives me enough time to call the guy and get something arranged.
We'll see how it goes...
Right now it's too early to call and the sun is shining for the first time this week so I'm going for a skate.
Going from acknowledgment to full acceptance is the big hurdle.
ReplyDeleteI don't remember where I read it, it might have been a link on Calie's blog, but there was a piece by a therapist on dealing with male to female transsexuals. In it, she basically said that it was the job of the therapist to help the transsexual overcome their fears, and release the little girl who has been trapped inside for so long, and help her grow to become the confident woman that she longs to be. This can be a very scary prospect for the transsexual, because her release will ultimately depend on slowly killing off the male that she has been socialized to become over the years. It took decades of male socialization to build that masculine facade, and even though it keeps the girl inside painfully imprisoned, it provides a certain level of comfort in dealing with the public.
You have already cleared some major hurdles, by being honest with yourself, and coming out to your wife, parents, and your employer. Good luck on your visit with your therapist. You are so very fortunate to have such a valuable resource, while still at a relatively young age. I wish I had that kind of support available to me thirty years ago, when transitioning would have truly made a positive difference in my life.
Melissa XX
Thanks for sharing this Stace.
ReplyDeleteI am sure many people will find this point very relevant.
I have to admit there are still times I get frightened by all this and it makes me question everything again, but theye are becoming less frequant.
x
> how do you move from
ReplyDelete> that to aceptance?
There's a question and a half.
Acceptance - perhaps like some type of trans nirvana (no, not Teen Spirit) - can take a while to reach and possibly harder to explain the actual process.
I suppose there are large elements of coming to terms with who and what you are. I think that I only reached it - acceptance that is - with the help of Mrs Jones and my (trans) friends. It's not an easy journey, but is certainly well worth it.
Trouble is, any type of 'acceptance wisdom' you pass on either sounds like cod sage advice or something you get from a fortune cookie. :) First steps? Try thinking that it's not all bad news and see where that takes you. IMO, leaving guilt behind can be incredably freeing.
Thanks all. I have yet to call the psychologist (must remember to take the number to work tomorrow).
ReplyDeleteI do sometimes wonder how much is lack of acceptance and how much is fear of the future.
I have a mail from a friend who says she said it looks like I have never had any therapy before. Yup, that's me. I think the best I can say is that each time I speak to someone about it it gets easier to talk.
Stace
PS: Lynn - losing the guilty feeling would be great. I wonder if / when I could do it...
maybe you won't (lose the guilt, stace...). i think i am wonderfully lucky in that i don't carry guilt around with me. it has always been a casse of "i am what i am" - even if, til recently, i didn't quite know what that was.
ReplyDeletemy partner, by contrast, has a few decades of earthly experience too. she is not exactly a conventional woman...but is racked by something: guilt? dunno...
whatever it is, it makes her entire existence just one long series of hurdles.
i don't understand it. like...i can't even get my head around being as careful as she is about life...and vice-versa: she finds my blitheness incomprehensible.
so maybe it is something you will just have to work around to some extent.
melissa...hope you're content: you just made me cry! but in a not at all bad way at all. so thanks.
ReplyDeletewhat you wrote about the job of the therapist: "to release the little girl who has been trapped inside for so long, and help her grow to become the confident woman that she longs to be". omg!!!
yes: oh yessss!
i guess i got halfway there myself in recent musings about my status. The thing that's held me back most...all ...of my life...is that i've always been a pretty insecure teenage girl. i never grew up, because i never had space to .
instead, i carried on pretending to be a bloke and...in the end, that has got in the way over and over again. Like: total obstacle.
i've never max'd my career, because i don't fit with blokes. and i've had so many screwed up relations with women because i'd have been happier making friends... and so many were looking for something else.
thanks for that comment. i know it was for stace...but sometimes you toss words out on to the breeze, and where they fall may surprise you.
thanks,
jane
xxx