Phone call with my parents

I spoke to my parents again this yesterday, I called them on to try and fix their computer (that had in the mean time decide to fix itself).

We got chatting and I mentioned that Mrs Stace was out with her parents and sister. My mum was surprised that I was not there, I said that it was supposed to be a night out for the girls (Mrs Stace, her sister and her mum) as a belated birthday present and that her dad decided to go last minute, probably down to me as it was the first time he had seen her since he found out about me, and he said he was psycologically ready. I appriciate that this is starting to get converluted. That got us on to the subject that we then discussed for the next 90 mins...

What bascially came over was that they are not coping as well as they said they were. They are still fine with me, but are concerned that I am gong to go into transition without thinking as soon as posible.

They also seem to be under the impression that once I start speaking to the therapists later in the year I am going to be pushed to transition at any expense.

I have tried to correct them in this... But that went rather badly as well. In the end I was told that I shouldn't ever transition as I was too manly, just with a very predominant femanine side. Which is not what my mum said on New Years Eve. I am not sure what this is based on except for my love of all things car.

I have to admit at doing something I am not proud of... Something that I feel, but didn't want to say to my mum is that for most of my childhood I constantly heard that 'This is not what boy's do / want / play with / ect'. I didn't want to broach the subject as I didn't want to make her feel guilty about it. But it was the only way I could see out of the conversation loop I was in, and I was starting to get upset by that time, so I said it. It didn't end the conversation, she just said she didn't remember doing it. And I am not blaming her here - I have reason to think that she is lying about remembering.

The other loop that came up was based almost solely on me being married as a reason why I could not be 'all woman', their phrase. If you love a woman you must be a man, otherwise you can't love a woman in any way more than as a close friend. That went around in circles for a while - ending with a point that I know only too well anyway. Mrs Stace isn't that way inclined.

And my mum wants to meet my therapists as she is the only one who knows me... I didn't even start a discussion with that one.

We did have some lighter moments, and ended well. Them re-affirming that they are there not matter what I do decide in the future. They keep stressing that, and saying that they wish there was more they could do. I always answer that by saying be there no matter what I decide.

All in all it did leave me very shaken though. Their two main points hit me quite hard - either I am insane and do not know what I am feeling; or they are just seeing what they want to see, which they kept stressing they were not. I know that they have only known for 24 days and are getting to grips, but I don't know, yesterday was just very difficult.

Ending on a bright note though... I heard my mum use the name Stacy refering to me for the first time, in a pleasent way. I really can't put into words how that made me feel. Crazy isn't it.