Saturday, 27 February 2010

Just promise me one thing...

Well after a very odd week (up and down like a rollercoaster) and a depressed post a couple of days ago it definately ended on a high.

After weeks of lathargicness, and inability to exercise (when I tried I did half of what I normally did and ended up so exhausted I couldn't even get off of the sofa to get a drink for 30 mins) I finally got back into the swing last weekend.

Saturday I skated for the first time (no snow!) and managed 6km's, sunday I went running and also managed 6km's. Not the quickest I've ever done the 6KM's in question - but a good start. And I managed to join in the office running training group for the first time this year (I missed the first 4 due to a mixture of illness and appointments).

Hopefully today I'll get a chance to go skating again - I have to say I do prefer it to running...

And the high?

I called my parents last night (I have odered them a Wii and Wii Fit Plus from amazon and the first half arrived last night). We chatted about the Wii and general stuff, and then got on to the subject of me (god that sounds self obsessed...). I wanted to know if they had decided to speak to anyone. Turns out my mum has, but my dad doesn't have anyone just yet.

Mum told her best friend, she picked this friend as they have a good relationship and she is married to someone with a gay son. Her friend took it well, and they have had a good talk. Mum says that once she told her she felt like a weight had been lifted (sound familiar anyone?) so it's really done her good. Her friend said that she wouldn't tell her husband, but mum said no, please do - "his dad needs someone to talk to as well, and it would be nice if we could all talk about this together if needed".

She's been to her doctor who is going to try and get hold of the books that doctors use for dealing with transgendered people, and try to find a professional for them to speak to. The problem I have here is that they may have to pay, which they have said they will do. But they are not the highest paid people and I feel really guilty at them having to pay out because of me. I would offer to pay for them, but if the worst happends between Mrs Stace and I then I do not know *if* I can afford to do that for them as I'll have some quite big bills coming.

I found out that she has also told her boss - she was having some bad days at work - who has apparently also been fine about it, and offered help if and when mum needs it.

And someone who she will never tell: another one of her good friends. Whilst at work the son a a resident (she works in a care home) who is gay was helping his dad into a chair in the sun and she made a comment. Not in itself homophobic, but said in a way that made mum decide that she wouldn't know. It's a shame she has that attitude about people who are different as it is another clsoe friend of mum who keep son offering help as she can see something is bothering her.

Then I got on to two people who I feel I have to tell (why does you brain do this to you, who do you have the *need* to tell people?).

The first is my brother. I said I would never tell him, but I feel that it is just not on. He is the only close family member that does not know - and I feel that it not fair on him. I would not want to find out at some point in the future that everybody knew except for me, and I can't do that to him. I have no idea how he is going to take it, and I have to wait as well as I am not going to do it over the phone and I do not know when I am going to see him again.

And the other is my boss. I just can't keep on doing the cloak and dagger discussions when we discuss how I am doing. He'll be fine with it I'm sure. Whilst running we had a great conversatioin about Dutch politics. (The Dutch goverment fell a week ago). He said that he always voted liberal 'because it's always better that someone is who they, than they struggle to fit into someones arbitary stereotype that has been imposed on them'. That was very nice to hear as you can imagine.

We discussed how to tell both of them (I am so relieved that I can discuss this with my parents). Bascically with my brother I just have to tell him face to face. Either he is going to take it well, or he is going to flip and walk off.

My boss... We think that asking him to go for a drink after work one day and telling him outside of the office envronment is likely to be the best idea. I'm going to speak to him on Monday I think.

By this point their food had been ruined (more guilt for me that mum said don't be daft - they'd never hang up on me when discussing something like this) and they had to get ready for a long trip they are probably on as I write this (my brother has given them a car from his lot at cost and is driving to Glasgow to swap it with mums current car) so I had a quick chat with dad and we called it a night - I'm going to call them on Sunday and set up a web chat so I can help them put thier Wii on the TV.

And the Promise of the title?

Half way through the talk mum said their was one thing she was scared of (I thought she was going to say if you decide to transition). What she was worried about was 'If you decide to transition that you start to dress outragously' She is worried that I am going to go all out OTT and end up a media interpretation of a transsexual. So I told her what my style is (I'm Smart Casual in bloke mode and Smart Casual in Stacy mode. The style doesn't change, just the clothes. She asked what smart casual was so I told her my favorite outfit (My new heels - 2 1/2 inch stilettos, not too high, skin or black tights, a beige canvas above the knee skirt and a black top). Basically what a 33 year old woman could wear to the office. That pleased both of us. Her knowing what my style is, and me discussing an outfit for Stacy with my mum.

Well I think I've waffled long enough her... Have a good weekend all!


  1. What a lot you have on your plate! Think you'll be losing sleep all weekend anticipating telling the boss? Hope not.

    I enjoy reading about the talks with your mother. She seems very sweet. I would love to talk fashion with my Mom! Can't see doing that to her unless I wind up transitioning.

    Rock on, Stace!

  2. Sounds about right how you plan to talk to your boss. I was thinking along similar lines for the inevitable day I'll have to do the same. Maybe a beer garden in the summer after a pub lunch at a rural hostelry or something.

    That's an unexpected comment from your mother. I'm glad you were able to put her mind at rest. As someone who can do outrageous with presence if she wants to I've always made a distinction between clothing and costume, and thus avoided going down that route. I wish I could have a similar chat with my mother. I'd like to mine her collection of dress patterns going back to the '50s for a start!

  3. Telling others is such an event, but is it necessary. My rule, although I am not sure its the one, is I will tell people when I am starting my transition, after I have moved out of the house and been on my transitional dose of hormones for a bit, then I will tell everyone. My reasons, well the first I think if you tell others it will change their impression of you and start to factor into their decision making of you. So I don't want anything else on the table when that happens, I want it to be without prejudice. The next is, what if I don't transition, well I don't want to leave everyone hanging and discredit my decision making ability to others. The last thing that I want to hear at 60 is someone saying "remember that crazy time you thought you were a woman."

    I have a friend and she came out to everyone and then after a year, she wrote a letter to everyone saying that due to circumstances she wasn't going to transition, and now, well she has again waffled back and is back on hormones and has to sort of do it all over again. If people need to know something, tell them you have depression/anxiety disorder. With all the commercials on TV I am sure that would be no big deal. Its the truth, you are just not saying why. Telling the why is almost a TMI thing, not the game changes if you are going to transition as others need time to deal.
    Good luck.


  4. Telling others that you love and trust, can indeed be a real load off.

    I had to laugh at your mother's inquiry, concerning your style. What? Did she think you were going to come out and be all flamboyant, like Ru Paul? :-D But given some of the characters that have shown up on TV talk shows, I can understand her concern. Most people don't know how boringly normal the average transsexual truly is.

    Melissa XX

  5. Leslie: I decided this on Friday, and so far so good. Last night I only got 5 1/2 hours, but that's jyst because we were late and I woke up at my normal time...

    Jenny: I was thinking after work - I expect it's goig to be a stressful talk for me - and definately not in the office envronment. But what is it about the English that when you say outside of the office 'pub' is the first answer...

    Bree: Whilst I seem to be the only one who beleives this (I am deluding myself? I don't know), I still plan on being able to cope without transitioning - though I have to say it's difficult. My brother has a right to know as I really feel it's wrong the rest of the family knowing and him not. If I was in his shoes I would be happy if it came out in the future that all the close family knew except for him. My boss? It's purely for my mental well being. Cloak and dagger methods of discussing my state of mind are getting to me. If he knows then I don't have to talk around the problem any more. I have considered the TMI angle - but for these two I think it's the right time.

    Melissa: I just had to look Ru Paul up - and yes that is exactly what she was concerened about :)

    I have to say to he conversations I can have with my mum are great, dad talks about it and is fine but I don't think he has worked it through in his head as much as mum yet.

    I was expecting her to stop before the italics (which is what she said at new year when I told her) but when she carried on it took me by surprise. At least it's a concern that is easy to quell...

    Something else that surprised me. I was totally confortable telling her what my favorite outfit was.

    One thing that I do try to make sure with them both... Is to have conversations where it's not mentioned. I do not want my relationship with them to revolve around this part of me. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

  6. Ho Stacy, As you know I have just been through this and am going through all the questions and worries they have now.
    But I am glad I told them.
    Bree mentioned concerns over what if you dont transition.
    I have thought a lot about that and that was one of the reasons I held off telling them for so long.
    But I came to the conclusion that while my final destination is not 100 % clear and it may change from where I envisage it now, I cant change the fact that I have a large element of my self which is feminine.
    Now I am able not to hide this, wherever I end up, is a big plus.
    I somehow feel more honest and true with the world.

    I am dreading having to tell my bos, but I cant see that step happening until I am ready to go full time.


  7. Interesting comment from your mother. That is the way we are portrayed in the media, though, isn't it? And this comment coming from someone who works in the media.

    What they just don't understand is that most who are TS just want to blend in and live their lives.

    Your mother will understand soon.

    Calie xxx

  8. Lisa: I somehow feel more honest and true with the world.

    Absolutely! That's a great way of putting it. I still haven't decided on how / when my brother is going to find out. I was going to pay for a day return from East Midlands to Schiphol - but I think he is going to know that something is up if I do that...

    Calie: The media is a definate problem here. We were watching a few programs yesterday where they had portrayals of both cross dressers and transexuals - both of which were done as a complete caricatures of expectations. I said to Mrs Stace that if that is all people see it's no wonder the reception that we get...

    That said (assuming it hasn't changed in the last 10 years) one of her favorite programs does have a very good transexual character - Hayley (IIRC) from Corrie. Though for some reason they chose a non trans actress to play the part I seem to recall she plays it well. (People who still get Corrie please let me know if I've got this wrong :) )

    I must admit she did seem quite OK once I explained what my style is. Although I've never had to explain Smart Casual before... She did sound relieved when she got it.