Another entry inspired by a post I've read this week. This time it was Loris post 'No Day But Today'.
Or more specifically the first sentence of the thirs paragraph:
As far as I'm concerned, though, looking back in the mirror I'm seeing more and more of who that person was always meant to be. It may sound incredibly narcissistic, but I'm learning to love myself more than I ever have
She is talking about recovering from a precedure she has had recently (click the link for more info - I can't do it justice here).
It spoke to me though as she says she is seeing more and more of who she was meant to be.
I have always been obessed by mirrors, and have a reputation for being vain (I am - never leave home overnight without a salon style hair dryer and a couple of cans of mousse, pray there is a mirror where I am going). But where most people go wrong is associating that vanity with assuming that I think I look good. I don't, quite the opposite in fact.
I hate seeing myself in a mirror, and yet am also irresistably drawn to it. The reason is that I have no connection with the reflection. I know that it's me. I've been looking at it for three decades. But I still have the feeling I had when I was younger whilst I do my hair in the morning. 'Is that really me, it can't be'. If I'm in a particularly bad place when doing the thinking I can stare at the reflections for minutes.
I guess that comes down to my bad body image in general... I'm at the higher end of the healthy scale at the moment (BMI of between 23 and 24) so I feel I have to try and lose weight. But back before I had a driving license and I cycled everywhere I was 5'10" and 8 1/2 stone (178 and 55KG), fitted size 8 clothes and still *knew* I had to do something to *get* thin again. I annoy my wife and sister in law with this to this day thought I am 20kgs heavier :(.
Thankfully my will power has always been my weak point, and I like food (don't worry I do not have an eating disorder).
Oodly enough I know that it's unhealthy and I can't do a thing about it...