Sunday 14 March 2010

Guilt squared

Well after the joy and fun of the last few days I came down to earth with a bit of a bump yesterday.

I actually had a great day, but a couple of incidents left me feeling quite guilty.

The second (less important to me, but it still got to me) was yesterday evening. I arrange to meet someone I used to work with to watch the Six Nations match between England and Scotland. We met at the station and got chatting about how she was doing, after being unemployed for a number of months she has finaly got a job and she was radiant with it. She asked about how things were going for me, she knows about the recent re-organisation which has left me with a team dedicated to mainly small maintenance - which is not the most exciting of work. She asked if I was OK with that and I just said yes I could do with the simple life for now. She then asked if everything was OK at home and I just said yes fine. I hate lying, but there is no way I would come out to her, and I can't say how things are at home without mentioning it. It just felt wrong and got to me a little on the way home.

The first was yesterday afternoon. Mrs Stace was getting ready, putting her contacts in in front of the mirror. I stood behind her giving her a hug and kissing her neck. She smiled and then suddenly got a strange look on her face. I asked too much too soon? She said no, but looking at my reflection in the mirror I just looked so much like a boyish woman.

She was not being nasty, she wasn't angry. But she looked hurt and confused. I felt awful for her. But... The guilt comes from me taking it as a compliment. I felt terrible for her, but to me it was such a nice thing to hear. I feel like such a git for taking it that way - but I can't see it in any other light no matter how hard I try.

9 comments:

  1. Yes, that was really the only way you could take it, from your perspective. You're past pretending with her anyway, right? I'm sure there will be much melancholy in store for you both, Stace. You have to let her do her mourning, and it will turn up in odd places.

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  2. Don't be guilty for taking it as a compliment. After all, her statement was merely a recognition of the situation you are both in. How you take it is in your head, not in your behaviour to her. Be there for her, be caring and sensitive to her needs, and a minor something like this is nothing to be guilty about.

    I wish someone felt able to remark that I looked like a boyish woman :)

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  3. Don't really have much to say, except that I really feel the pain in this post. I feel your wife's pain. I feel your pain. And, I feel the pain in that women you talked to who clearly felt something was wrong even though you did not open up to her.

    Calie xxx

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  4. How could you possibly have taken it any other way? When you are trans, being told by a woman that you look like a woman, is such a validating experience. Of course you would take it as a compliment. I can understand your empathy for any sadness you may be causing her, but don't ever feel guilty for being who you are. You have a right to be you.

    Melissa XX

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  5. Thanks for the comments all.

    I just think it's so nasty to be standing there thinking how nice it is to hear that - as Melissa said it is so validating - whilst I'm also cut up for what it is doing to her.

    Also, if that is how she is starting to see me it makes me concerned for the future.

    Stace

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  6. I can relate a lot to this. My wife now sees me as a woman, but in the past there have been many times we have had this kind of thing happen.
    Even now I can see her mourn the loss of the man she married on occasion. Normally when we are looking at old photos or something.
    All you can do is be there and show how much she means to you.
    x

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  7. Thanks Lisa,

    We had a chat about it last night. Apparently she also cried over it Saturday night whilst I was out. She has also told me that I have to stop feeling guilty about it as it's not something I have deliberately done to her. I guess me feeling guilty all of the time doesn't do her any good either (something she commented on)...

    I guess we just both need more time to adjust...

    Stace

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  8. Your wife sounds very kind and empathetic. And she is right. You shouldn't feel guilty. You can't help being who you are. You are not causing her pain, your circumstances are, and you have no more control over that, than she does.

    Melissa XX

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  9. Melissa, she is amazing, and has taken this far better than I ever exepected.

    The future is still unclear for both of us - but we are strugling through whilst still enjoying having each other around.

    Stace

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