Wednesday, 31 March 2010

False Hope, Panic and Validations

I've had a bit of a mixed bag over the last couple of weeks. I've been really down, a couple of anxiety attacks meaning that I had to walk out from my office with my eyes welling up five minutes before a meeting last week and I've been back on my Validispert herbal tablets again. The reasons I won't go into just yet. I have not worked then through my head properly yet...  (But please don't panic - it's nothing bad)


The fasle hope in the title comes from last Thursday. I had just finished my weekly run with colleagues and called Mrs Stace to let her know that I had left and would be home in an hour or so.

She told me that there was a letter from the VU (the hospital where the gender clinic is based) so we assumed it was the date for my first appointment. Hope.

Then the panic started about what this means for my life (is this normal?). It made for a not very pleasent drive home.

I got in picked up the letter and looked at it for a while, Mrs Stace asked what was wrong, I told her I was panicing a little. Eventually opened it and found out that it wasn't the appointment after all. (False Hope then).

They are having a lecture on the details of the treatment, and it was an invitation for me (and family & friends) to go and see what the process involes. From first appointment through to after GRS care.

Me and Mrs Stace are going, I don't think we'll be taking the family along. Mrs Stace is concerned because it covers the whole process - which is not my aim at present. But we've discussed it and seeing as whether I go down the path or not it's useful information, and the first phase is something that will affect me no matter what.

The validations... Phone calls again. But I was over the moon - it really picked me up yesterday.

I had to call UPS as they have messed up the invoice of sending my amp back to Cyrus - and it's now (incorrectly) in the financial system of my employer...

I called them, got into a bit of a heated discussion and kept being told 'Calm down madam' by the person on the other end of the phone :) Even when I was quite angry... Mrs Stace thought that I would get too distracted by being happy with the 'madam' to keep focused on why I was angry with them, but I managed it ;p

And the other... I have to have a medical check-up to transfer my UK license to an NL one, as the UK license from the 90's has a whole bunch of interesting categories that you have to take seperate tests for in Holland - complete with regular medicals. So I called the 'Arbo' doctors who can do the test, gave them my name and address (gender was never asked) and recieved a letter yesterday that started with 'Dear Mrs' (Well 'mevrouw' - but close enough).

(Oh, and for Leslie - my current ear worm is 'The Blue Danube' from the 1987 Vienna New Years Concert)


  1. Why, thanks for sharing! I can't listen to that without thinking of being served by weightless flight attendants.

    You need to train Mrs. Stace not to tell you these things on the phone. You think WAY too much, dear.

  2. Uh-huh... I watched that on BluRay the last time I was ill. Amazing that a film that old still looks so good.

    And the remastering they have done for the HiDef version is impressive. Pin sharp, not a scratch in sight, and deep, deep colours. Glorious.


    And yes I need to think about things less...

  3. How not to think?!
    Does it have something to do with our work? It’s a job where we have to think all the time. But for me it’s hard to stop thinking as well and then I just goes into overdrive. Good thing on my bike, bad for my mind.

  4. "Grab your thumb and pull." Perhaps this message from my dreams was meant more for you than for me. It apparently is a method that induces calm. Maybe it will work for you.

    And I'm sorry to say, yeah, you do sometimes need to have a heated discussion with customer support when they can't get things right. You're pissed and they need to know it.


  5. Ah.....panic attacks and meetings. I remember them well. I have had several while sitting in meetings, and remember completely freaking out on the inside, while struggling hard not to let it show on the outside. I would inhale very deeply (and quietly, so as not to alarm the people sitting next to me), and then exhale very slowly, while silently telling myself to calm down. This usually worked, but I would usually feel sapped for the rest of the day. I also remember being overcome with emotion just before going to a meeting, and having to collect myself, make sure my eyes were dry before showing up. A shot of Visine in each eye, helps to clear up the redness. You have my sympathy, Stace. Dealing with GID while having to work as a male, can be very difficult at times.

    @ Leslie

    I don't think you are the only one who thinks of scenes from 2001: A Space Odyssey, when you hear the Blue Danube. I always picture that lovely ballet, that the shuttle played with the space station, as it approched for docking. It's one of my favorite pieces of music, and appropriately so, since I was born on the Danube in Regensburg, Germany.

    Melissa XX

  6. "Calm down madam"

    Stace, you're really lucky you've spent the last decade in the Netherlands, if you're exceptionally so you'll have missed those annoying adverts with Michael Winner.

  7. Dave: Could be... I have been known to have eureka moments in the shower of problems at work... But then I have never been able to relax (seems to run in my dad's side of the family)

    Sophie: Yup, sometimes you just need to get angry... Even worse when they promise to call you back and never do... I'll have to give the thumb thing a try the next time I'm getting anxious...

    Melissa: Just when I thought things were getting better I get a shock and it all comes flooding back. I've simply started to take the Valdispert again when I feel one coming along - you still have the 'ohmygod' in your head, but you don't have the whole physical anxiety attack that goes with it.

    Jenny: I have been unfortunate enough to see those whilst visiting my folks. I have to wonder though who is more annoying... The opera singer telling you to go compare, or Whiner... Sorry Winner :)

    The ones I do love though are the meercats...


  8. The presentation sounds like an interesting idea. While most of us research this thing to death, I am sure it must be helpful for our families.
    What a result on your voice!
    PS definately if you are ever in Leicester a coffee in the High cross (ex shires )would be great.

  9. I'm really not sure what to expect to be honest. I had the info from the clinic, I understod most of what it said, and the things I didn't I had translated by Mrs Stace. But the details still elude me.

    I have to say I am quite nervous about going. I guess that in going it all becomes somehow that little bit more real.

    As to the voice - those calls were definately the good side of the double edge sword discussed in a previous post. When you *have* to correct the person on the other end it gets a little uncomfortable, but when you don't have to it's really great.


    High Cross! Thankyou - the name was still eluding me!

  10. Easy with the panic attacks, girl. What happens, happens. I wish could attend that trans talk you're going to. Not sure Mrs. C would want to, however.

    Calie xxx

  11. Thanks Calie, I understand that what happens, happens - but I think I am just petrified of the future and what it may bring.

    Since the post I have avoided any more attacks - and not taken too many tablets. See how it goes from now.

    I think the presentations is a good idea - but am nervous as hell about attending. As I said I think it's just the whole 'making it more real' thing of each step.