Well after a very odd week (up and down like a rollercoaster) and a depressed post a couple of days ago it definately ended on a high.
After weeks of lathargicness, and inability to exercise (when I tried I did half of what I normally did and ended up so exhausted I couldn't even get off of the sofa to get a drink for 30 mins) I finally got back into the swing last weekend.
Saturday I skated for the first time (no snow!) and managed 6km's, sunday I went running and also managed 6km's. Not the quickest I've ever done the 6KM's in question - but a good start. And I managed to join in the office running training group for the first time this year (I missed the first 4 due to a mixture of illness and appointments).
Hopefully today I'll get a chance to go skating again - I have to say I do prefer it to running...
And the high?
I called my parents last night (I have odered them a Wii and Wii Fit Plus from amazon and the first half arrived last night). We chatted about the Wii and general stuff, and then got on to the subject of me (god that sounds self obsessed...). I wanted to know if they had decided to speak to anyone. Turns out my mum has, but my dad doesn't have anyone just yet.
Mum told her best friend, she picked this friend as they have a good relationship and she is married to someone with a gay son. Her friend took it well, and they have had a good talk. Mum says that once she told her she felt like a weight had been lifted (sound familiar anyone?) so it's really done her good. Her friend said that she wouldn't tell her husband, but mum said no, please do - "his dad needs someone to talk to as well, and it would be nice if we could all talk about this together if needed".
She's been to her doctor who is going to try and get hold of the books that doctors use for dealing with transgendered people, and try to find a professional for them to speak to. The problem I have here is that they may have to pay, which they have said they will do. But they are not the highest paid people and I feel really guilty at them having to pay out because of me. I would offer to pay for them, but if the worst happends between Mrs Stace and I then I do not know *if* I can afford to do that for them as I'll have some quite big bills coming.
I found out that she has also told her boss - she was having some bad days at work - who has apparently also been fine about it, and offered help if and when mum needs it.
And someone who she will never tell: another one of her good friends. Whilst at work the son a a resident (she works in a care home) who is gay was helping his dad into a chair in the sun and she made a comment. Not in itself homophobic, but said in a way that made mum decide that she wouldn't know. It's a shame she has that attitude about people who are different as it is another clsoe friend of mum who keep son offering help as she can see something is bothering her.
Then I got on to two people who I feel I have to tell (why does you brain do this to you, who do you have the *need* to tell people?).
The first is my brother. I said I would never tell him, but I feel that it is just not on. He is the only close family member that does not know - and I feel that it not fair on him. I would not want to find out at some point in the future that everybody knew except for me, and I can't do that to him. I have no idea how he is going to take it, and I have to wait as well as I am not going to do it over the phone and I do not know when I am going to see him again.
And the other is my boss. I just can't keep on doing the cloak and dagger discussions when we discuss how I am doing. He'll be fine with it I'm sure. Whilst running we had a great conversatioin about Dutch politics. (The Dutch goverment fell a week ago). He said that he always voted liberal 'because it's always better that someone is who they, than they struggle to fit into someones arbitary stereotype that has been imposed on them'. That was very nice to hear as you can imagine.
We discussed how to tell both of them (I am so relieved that I can discuss this with my parents). Bascically with my brother I just have to tell him face to face. Either he is going to take it well, or he is going to flip and walk off.
My boss... We think that asking him to go for a drink after work one day and telling him outside of the office envronment is likely to be the best idea. I'm going to speak to him on Monday I think.
By this point their food had been ruined (more guilt for me that mum said don't be daft - they'd never hang up on me when discussing something like this) and they had to get ready for a long trip they are probably on as I write this (my brother has given them a car from his lot at cost and is driving to Glasgow to swap it with mums current car) so I had a quick chat with dad and we called it a night - I'm going to call them on Sunday and set up a web chat so I can help them put thier Wii on the TV.
And the Promise of the title?
Half way through the talk mum said their was one thing she was scared of (I thought she was going to say if you decide to transition). What she was worried about was 'If you decide to transition that you start to dress outragously' She is worried that I am going to go all out OTT and end up a media interpretation of a transsexual. So I told her what my style is (I'm Smart Casual in bloke mode and Smart Casual in Stacy mode. The style doesn't change, just the clothes. She asked what smart casual was so I told her my favorite outfit (My new heels - 2 1/2 inch stilettos, not too high, skin or black tights, a beige canvas above the knee skirt and a black top). Basically what a 33 year old woman could wear to the office. That pleased both of us. Her knowing what my style is, and me discussing an outfit for Stacy with my mum.
Well I think I've waffled long enough her... Have a good weekend all!
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Who are you looking at
Another entry inspired by a post I've read this week. This time it was Loris post 'No Day But Today'.
Or more specifically the first sentence of the thirs paragraph:
As far as I'm concerned, though, looking back in the mirror I'm seeing more and more of who that person was always meant to be. It may sound incredibly narcissistic, but I'm learning to love myself more than I ever have
She is talking about recovering from a precedure she has had recently (click the link for more info - I can't do it justice here).
It spoke to me though as she says she is seeing more and more of who she was meant to be.
I have always been obessed by mirrors, and have a reputation for being vain (I am - never leave home overnight without a salon style hair dryer and a couple of cans of mousse, pray there is a mirror where I am going). But where most people go wrong is associating that vanity with assuming that I think I look good. I don't, quite the opposite in fact.
I hate seeing myself in a mirror, and yet am also irresistably drawn to it. The reason is that I have no connection with the reflection. I know that it's me. I've been looking at it for three decades. But I still have the feeling I had when I was younger whilst I do my hair in the morning. 'Is that really me, it can't be'. If I'm in a particularly bad place when doing the thinking I can stare at the reflections for minutes.
I guess that comes down to my bad body image in general... I'm at the higher end of the healthy scale at the moment (BMI of between 23 and 24) so I feel I have to try and lose weight. But back before I had a driving license and I cycled everywhere I was 5'10" and 8 1/2 stone (178 and 55KG), fitted size 8 clothes and still *knew* I had to do something to *get* thin again. I annoy my wife and sister in law with this to this day thought I am 20kgs heavier :(.
Thankfully my will power has always been my weak point, and I like food (don't worry I do not have an eating disorder).
Oodly enough I know that it's unhealthy and I can't do a thing about it...
Or more specifically the first sentence of the thirs paragraph:
As far as I'm concerned, though, looking back in the mirror I'm seeing more and more of who that person was always meant to be. It may sound incredibly narcissistic, but I'm learning to love myself more than I ever have
She is talking about recovering from a precedure she has had recently (click the link for more info - I can't do it justice here).
It spoke to me though as she says she is seeing more and more of who she was meant to be.
I have always been obessed by mirrors, and have a reputation for being vain (I am - never leave home overnight without a salon style hair dryer and a couple of cans of mousse, pray there is a mirror where I am going). But where most people go wrong is associating that vanity with assuming that I think I look good. I don't, quite the opposite in fact.
I hate seeing myself in a mirror, and yet am also irresistably drawn to it. The reason is that I have no connection with the reflection. I know that it's me. I've been looking at it for three decades. But I still have the feeling I had when I was younger whilst I do my hair in the morning. 'Is that really me, it can't be'. If I'm in a particularly bad place when doing the thinking I can stare at the reflections for minutes.
I guess that comes down to my bad body image in general... I'm at the higher end of the healthy scale at the moment (BMI of between 23 and 24) so I feel I have to try and lose weight. But back before I had a driving license and I cycled everywhere I was 5'10" and 8 1/2 stone (178 and 55KG), fitted size 8 clothes and still *knew* I had to do something to *get* thin again. I annoy my wife and sister in law with this to this day thought I am 20kgs heavier :(.
Thankfully my will power has always been my weak point, and I like food (don't worry I do not have an eating disorder).
Oodly enough I know that it's unhealthy and I can't do a thing about it...
Ow, pain
Busy morning today. I had an appointment with the oral hygienist this morning so started working from home at 6:30. We have a new mini project coming up and an inistal estimate was required. I hate doing those. If you have a 2 month project for 2 or more people then you can be out by a couple of days, or hit slight issues and you still come out around on time.
If you have a project which is going to take one person 2 weeks then 1 day extra already equals a 10% overrun. Hohum. It's nice to know that I was doing the erstimate knowing who was going to do the coding, only to find out yesterday after my chat with my boss that it's all change. I have no idea if the estimate is sufficient now... We'll find out in a couple of weeks I guess.
This afternoon I have to get back to trying to complete a project that was semi completed by a colleague before he went on vacation. He owes me alcholhol when he gets back - it's terrible... (Technically brilliant, but coding practices are largely non existent and I've had to rewrite 60% of it so far to get it working in a manner that I don't mind my name being attached to too much...)
And the hygienist... Ow. I spent most of the time trying to medidate using breathing as the electric shocks from where she was scraping my teeth were flying down my body. And she found two possible holes so I now have to make a semi emergency appointment to get the dentist to check, and if need be filled. And a car full of special dental care products to try and stop the ceiling climbing next time. And a 130 pound hole in the bank balance for the pleasure.
Oh well only 3 and a bit hours and I can hit the road again... I was supposed to be skating tonight, but seeing as my foot / anckle has not stopped hurting (well that's not true not using it and - weirdly - wearing my stilletos stop the pain but neither is really doable at work or whilst skating) since I ran 6kms on Sunday I may just go for a cycle instead.
If you have a project which is going to take one person 2 weeks then 1 day extra already equals a 10% overrun. Hohum. It's nice to know that I was doing the erstimate knowing who was going to do the coding, only to find out yesterday after my chat with my boss that it's all change. I have no idea if the estimate is sufficient now... We'll find out in a couple of weeks I guess.
This afternoon I have to get back to trying to complete a project that was semi completed by a colleague before he went on vacation. He owes me alcholhol when he gets back - it's terrible... (Technically brilliant, but coding practices are largely non existent and I've had to rewrite 60% of it so far to get it working in a manner that I don't mind my name being attached to too much...)
And the hygienist... Ow. I spent most of the time trying to medidate using breathing as the electric shocks from where she was scraping my teeth were flying down my body. And she found two possible holes so I now have to make a semi emergency appointment to get the dentist to check, and if need be filled. And a car full of special dental care products to try and stop the ceiling climbing next time. And a 130 pound hole in the bank balance for the pleasure.
Oh well only 3 and a bit hours and I can hit the road again... I was supposed to be skating tonight, but seeing as my foot / anckle has not stopped hurting (well that's not true not using it and - weirdly - wearing my stilletos stop the pain but neither is really doable at work or whilst skating) since I ran 6kms on Sunday I may just go for a cycle instead.
Saturday, 20 February 2010
Bing and a light goes on...
One of the benefits of waking up early at the weekends (one of not many) is that I have some peice and quiet, and can somethimes even think.
And bing went the bulb in my head... What I wanted to post this week were some of the shots I got of the Ice Curtains in Ross-shire from my visit over the holidays.
Basically due to the nature of the stone in the mountains water seeps through all year making for wet cliff faces. When it gets very cold this water freezes into vertical curtains of ice. It looks spectacular. Unfortunately white ice, with a white snow background and a white cloudy sky made it difficult photography so I don't have as many shots as I would have liked :)
This is the view from my parents house over the Cromarty Firth towards the black isle - taken approaching sunset. This may get used on the Christmas cards I send next year...
And lastly my ride sitting on a foot or so of snow in the lay by. So pleased the car has AWD and that I brought the winter tyres otherwise I don't think I would have been able to drive from the road onto the parking place to get the shots :)
Oh... One last thing. This makes my 50th post. A milestone I did not really expect to make when I started this blog. I've met (virtually) met many new people since doing this, and it has most definately improved my life. Thanks to all for reading - 1 follower is more than I was expecting, 18 (and thanks to Calie a peer award!) is so much more!
Stace
And bing went the bulb in my head... What I wanted to post this week were some of the shots I got of the Ice Curtains in Ross-shire from my visit over the holidays.
Basically due to the nature of the stone in the mountains water seeps through all year making for wet cliff faces. When it gets very cold this water freezes into vertical curtains of ice. It looks spectacular. Unfortunately white ice, with a white snow background and a white cloudy sky made it difficult photography so I don't have as many shots as I would have liked :)
This is the view from my parents house over the Cromarty Firth towards the black isle - taken approaching sunset. This may get used on the Christmas cards I send next year...
And lastly my ride sitting on a foot or so of snow in the lay by. So pleased the car has AWD and that I brought the winter tyres otherwise I don't think I would have been able to drive from the road onto the parking place to get the shots :)
Oh... One last thing. This makes my 50th post. A milestone I did not really expect to make when I started this blog. I've met (virtually) met many new people since doing this, and it has most definately improved my life. Thanks to all for reading - 1 follower is more than I was expecting, 18 (and thanks to Calie a peer award!) is so much more!
Stace
Friday, 19 February 2010
Where is my muse?
After a week of having lots of idea's for this weeks posting here I am on a Friday lunchtime, with the office to myself and my thoughts. And they seem to have abandoned me at the moment - taking with them all vestiges of medium term memory over the postings.
I can't wait to finally get rid of the cold that has been haunting me for the last two weeks now. It's causing me pain, and lots of ikky stuff besides, and is making thinking harder than after drinking a bottle or two of cheap plonk.
The only thing I can remember wanting to do a posting about is a website made by a Dutch guy called pleaserobme.com. Basicalled if you link 4Square and Twitter you have the makings of a home security problem. The problem is that the more I looked into it, the more I am not sure how much of a problem it is - but that could always just be the fogged brain that I have at the moment. So there goes one posting idea... But I thought I'd mention it as those who use Twitter may want to look into it and see if they need to change their habbits (or the amount of personal information that's easily findable online) to protect themselves...
Well then I guess I'll get back to trying to find some nice recipes for this weekend - we've got bored of eating simple food week in and week out and have decided that since I like cooking I have to find something nice to make. So far I have a recipe for leak and cheese ravioli and... Not much else. If anyone has a nice recipe they'd like to share please feel free to share :) I guess I have to dust off my Delia's, Jamie Olivers and Silver Spoon* this weekend and start to come up with some nice menus...
Have a good weekend all,
Stace
* The Silver Spoon is a *real* Italian cookbook, best selling in Italy for 50 years or so. Some of the recipes are not for the meek (and so I haven't tried them yet) but there are some absolute stunners - and it remindes you that there is so much more to Italian food than pasta - which I could eat everyday of the week, but Mrs Stace gets bored with :)
I can't wait to finally get rid of the cold that has been haunting me for the last two weeks now. It's causing me pain, and lots of ikky stuff besides, and is making thinking harder than after drinking a bottle or two of cheap plonk.
The only thing I can remember wanting to do a posting about is a website made by a Dutch guy called pleaserobme.com. Basicalled if you link 4Square and Twitter you have the makings of a home security problem. The problem is that the more I looked into it, the more I am not sure how much of a problem it is - but that could always just be the fogged brain that I have at the moment. So there goes one posting idea... But I thought I'd mention it as those who use Twitter may want to look into it and see if they need to change their habbits (or the amount of personal information that's easily findable online) to protect themselves...
Well then I guess I'll get back to trying to find some nice recipes for this weekend - we've got bored of eating simple food week in and week out and have decided that since I like cooking I have to find something nice to make. So far I have a recipe for leak and cheese ravioli and... Not much else. If anyone has a nice recipe they'd like to share please feel free to share :) I guess I have to dust off my Delia's, Jamie Olivers and Silver Spoon* this weekend and start to come up with some nice menus...
Have a good weekend all,
Stace
* The Silver Spoon is a *real* Italian cookbook, best selling in Italy for 50 years or so. Some of the recipes are not for the meek (and so I haven't tried them yet) but there are some absolute stunners - and it remindes you that there is so much more to Italian food than pasta - which I could eat everyday of the week, but Mrs Stace gets bored with :)
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Welcome the land of the beautiful
Quite what I am doing here I have no idea... But the view is nice :)
While reading Calie's blog with her Beautiful bloggers award, one that I feel she really deserves, and I thought 'Wow, once I've gotten into the swing of this bloging lark it would be nice to get something like this'. Scroll down the page a little and lo and behold there is musings in the listings. I was very pleasently shocked.
Well what can I say - Thank you Calie! I guess I have to work on the quality of my postings to live up to it :)
Now there are a few rules that go with the award:
Thank the person who bestowed the award on to you: Well I did that above but again: Thanks Calie!
Show the award in the post
Link to the bestowers site: Calie's Chronicles
Enumerate 7 interesting things about yourself:
Hmm - do I have 7?
Limiting it to 7 is a challenge but here goes
While reading Calie's blog with her Beautiful bloggers award, one that I feel she really deserves, and I thought 'Wow, once I've gotten into the swing of this bloging lark it would be nice to get something like this'. Scroll down the page a little and lo and behold there is musings in the listings. I was very pleasently shocked.
Well what can I say - Thank you Calie! I guess I have to work on the quality of my postings to live up to it :)
Now there are a few rules that go with the award:
Thank the person who bestowed the award on to you: Well I did that above but again: Thanks Calie!
Show the award in the post
Link to the bestowers site: Calie's Chronicles
Enumerate 7 interesting things about yourself:
Hmm - do I have 7?
- I applied for a job, that required me to move to another country, as a joke. I have been living in that country now for nearly 11 years
- I have appeard on Dutch TV at least 3 times (though only recognisable once), and UK TV once (well as a person behind a camera at Assen)
- I love the result of valeting cars, but hate the effort and mess involved in doing it right
- I have raised Hedgehogs from newborn to being released back into the wild when living with my parents. Cute they may be, but they are also disgusting :)
- I love candles, as does Mrs Stace - so much so that we were given so many candles as little wedding gifts that we are still burning them 5 years on
- Between Mrs Stace and myself we have nearly 500 books in our spare room
- If I ever transitioned there are two items from my wardrobe that I would totally miss: The Raymond Weil watch my parents brought me for getting my degree (though it's quite dainty so I could maybe get away with it anyway) and my 'Assassin Suite' (I didn't come up with the nickname I hasten to add). It's a black suit with a black tie and black shirt, and is the only outfit I own that I actually like what I see in the mirror when dressed (providing I stay looking at the neck down)
Limiting it to 7 is a challenge but here goes
Monday, 15 February 2010
Barbie get Techy
A while ago I heard from Jenny that The Register (A techy online rag from the UK) was reporting on a vote for a new Barbie doll
Well the results are in Barbie is getting techy:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/02/14/computer_engineer_barbie/
http://www.barbiemedia.com/admin/uploads/ComputerEngineerBarbie.pdf
Stace
Well the results are in Barbie is getting techy:
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/02/14/computer_engineer_barbie/
http://www.barbiemedia.com/admin/uploads/ComputerEngineerBarbie.pdf
Stace
Friday, 12 February 2010
Good news, bad news and running into celebrities
Well what a week this has been...
Back to work after a weeks sick leave - trying to catch up with the mess that happened when I was not here. I don't know whether to take the fact that things fall apart when I'm not here as a compliment or whether it means I am not doing my job right in the first place...
I UPS'd my new amp back to the UK on Tuesday. Brought a nice amp, very happy with the sound and then it broke. Called the shop (in Leicester), they called Cyrus, they said call the importer in Holland who will fix it under the european gurantee. They said we are not touching it. After a lot of discussion it was posted directly to Cyrus on Tuesday, who have said three weeks minmum to fix it...
Wednesday I nearly outed myself to my whole dance class apparently. Since coming out to all my close family I have become to be a lot less mindful of my mannarisms, I haven't started to do feminine manarisms, I've stopped conciously making myself have male manarisms (I've started to relax in their company more) unfortunatley I've also started to relax in other company which I hadn't realised... During the break in the class Mrs Stace and I were talking to the other couples and apparently the way I was holding my arms against my chest were not quite as masculine as I normally try to come over. Add to that long, shaped nails (the only outward sign I give - I stopped biting my nails and love them now - but they are just past the brink of being too long for a man I think) and oops. I don't think anyone noticed - Mrs Stace just pointed it out by making the same guesture dramatically to me when we were all walking off, with a smile I might add.
Yesterday the estate agent came around and looked around the house.
The good news - the house is quite saleable. It's in good condition (except the kitchen) in a good neighbourhood and is a good size (for a Dutch house). It has gone up in value since we brought it.
The bad news - the kitchen will put buyers off because the rest of the house is in too good a condition, it is the only thing that would stop someone simply moving in rather than having to work on it first. For the target market (my age group) this is a downer.
If we put a new kitchen it would help sell the house, but we would lose 5K between the cost of the it and the increase in value of the house.
It has gone up in value - but only to the extent that we would cover the mortgage rather than actually make any money (In Holland you normally take a mortgage to cover the house and costs of buying for your first house rather than putting a big deposit down and paying the costs out of your pocket)
This does mean that one of us taking the mortgage over becomes a real possibility (esp as the mortgage is 200 a month less than I thought we paid - yes I know that I should know these things having signed for it 5 years ago, but it's a direct payment so I don't really thing about it now). I think that we both prefer the option of one of us taking it as opposed to selling it on.
But if we do that it is not fair to the other person to fit a kitchen now out of our joint savings. Swings and roundabouts.
That was a lot to take in, and I think it's going to be a few weeks before we have it worked through in our heads, what with everything else that is going through them.
I also had a conversation with Mrs Stace last night about how surreal everything seems at the moment. Here we are discussing splitting up after 10 years (6 of them married) like we are discussing the weather. No arguments, no pot throwing, no shouting. Just rational discusions. Whilst sitting cuddling on the sofa, or at the table over food. It seems very odd to still be so in love with each other and still talking about these subjects. She agrees. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to shout and scream at each other - there bad things lie - but it just seems surreal.
And then to prove myself a hypocrite I had to stop that direction of thought as it had me on the verge of tears at the end of the conversation.
We'll see. I'm neither optimistic, nor pessimistic, just numb and trying to get through the days. Please don't feel too sorry for me just yet - most of the time I don't. I've cried, will cry more in the future probably, but as we are still quite close I'm trying not to worry about what the future holds just yet.
And finally (as they like to say on the news)...
I work in Hilversum - Media City they call it (well mediastad actually but I translated). There are lots of celebs around, and indeed my office is just 2 mins from the MediaPark where most of the TV stations have thir studios etc.
Even so I was a little surprised when a Ducth rapper / TV Presenter Lange Frans ran into me this morning. Quite surprised as I was stopping for a red light at the time...
When swapping names and addresses I thought I know you... So when I got to the office I googled his name and sure enough it came back as him. Drives a lot more down to earth car than I would have expected (2.0D Merc C class). Thankfully Volvo make good towing hitches so it seems the damage is limited to replacing that - the towing ball has been bent by an inch or so and nothing on the car itself. So I have his address, phone number and on Monday I should have his insurance details as well :)
Have a good weekend all,
Stace
Back to work after a weeks sick leave - trying to catch up with the mess that happened when I was not here. I don't know whether to take the fact that things fall apart when I'm not here as a compliment or whether it means I am not doing my job right in the first place...
I UPS'd my new amp back to the UK on Tuesday. Brought a nice amp, very happy with the sound and then it broke. Called the shop (in Leicester), they called Cyrus, they said call the importer in Holland who will fix it under the european gurantee. They said we are not touching it. After a lot of discussion it was posted directly to Cyrus on Tuesday, who have said three weeks minmum to fix it...
Wednesday I nearly outed myself to my whole dance class apparently. Since coming out to all my close family I have become to be a lot less mindful of my mannarisms, I haven't started to do feminine manarisms, I've stopped conciously making myself have male manarisms (I've started to relax in their company more) unfortunatley I've also started to relax in other company which I hadn't realised... During the break in the class Mrs Stace and I were talking to the other couples and apparently the way I was holding my arms against my chest were not quite as masculine as I normally try to come over. Add to that long, shaped nails (the only outward sign I give - I stopped biting my nails and love them now - but they are just past the brink of being too long for a man I think) and oops. I don't think anyone noticed - Mrs Stace just pointed it out by making the same guesture dramatically to me when we were all walking off, with a smile I might add.
Yesterday the estate agent came around and looked around the house.
The good news - the house is quite saleable. It's in good condition (except the kitchen) in a good neighbourhood and is a good size (for a Dutch house). It has gone up in value since we brought it.
The bad news - the kitchen will put buyers off because the rest of the house is in too good a condition, it is the only thing that would stop someone simply moving in rather than having to work on it first. For the target market (my age group) this is a downer.
If we put a new kitchen it would help sell the house, but we would lose 5K between the cost of the it and the increase in value of the house.
It has gone up in value - but only to the extent that we would cover the mortgage rather than actually make any money (In Holland you normally take a mortgage to cover the house and costs of buying for your first house rather than putting a big deposit down and paying the costs out of your pocket)
This does mean that one of us taking the mortgage over becomes a real possibility (esp as the mortgage is 200 a month less than I thought we paid - yes I know that I should know these things having signed for it 5 years ago, but it's a direct payment so I don't really thing about it now). I think that we both prefer the option of one of us taking it as opposed to selling it on.
But if we do that it is not fair to the other person to fit a kitchen now out of our joint savings. Swings and roundabouts.
That was a lot to take in, and I think it's going to be a few weeks before we have it worked through in our heads, what with everything else that is going through them.
I also had a conversation with Mrs Stace last night about how surreal everything seems at the moment. Here we are discussing splitting up after 10 years (6 of them married) like we are discussing the weather. No arguments, no pot throwing, no shouting. Just rational discusions. Whilst sitting cuddling on the sofa, or at the table over food. It seems very odd to still be so in love with each other and still talking about these subjects. She agrees. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to shout and scream at each other - there bad things lie - but it just seems surreal.
And then to prove myself a hypocrite I had to stop that direction of thought as it had me on the verge of tears at the end of the conversation.
We'll see. I'm neither optimistic, nor pessimistic, just numb and trying to get through the days. Please don't feel too sorry for me just yet - most of the time I don't. I've cried, will cry more in the future probably, but as we are still quite close I'm trying not to worry about what the future holds just yet.
And finally (as they like to say on the news)...
I work in Hilversum - Media City they call it (well mediastad actually but I translated). There are lots of celebs around, and indeed my office is just 2 mins from the MediaPark where most of the TV stations have thir studios etc.
Even so I was a little surprised when a Ducth rapper / TV Presenter Lange Frans ran into me this morning. Quite surprised as I was stopping for a red light at the time...
When swapping names and addresses I thought I know you... So when I got to the office I googled his name and sure enough it came back as him. Drives a lot more down to earth car than I would have expected (2.0D Merc C class). Thankfully Volvo make good towing hitches so it seems the damage is limited to replacing that - the towing ball has been bent by an inch or so and nothing on the car itself. So I have his address, phone number and on Monday I should have his insurance details as well :)
Have a good weekend all,
Stace
Thursday, 11 February 2010
Two thought provoking entries
I've just read a couple of entries from two people:
Mixed Emotions by Chrissie
Gay No But I Am Queer by Julia
Chrissie's posting deals with her divorce finalisation having a date in court now, and the emotions that that brings up, plus looking forward to the future.
I really wanted to put something supportive in the comments - but when the window came up nothing was there to type. I ended up putting something that's probably comes across as trite - and for that I appologise.
I think there are two reasons why it wasn't happenning:
1) I can only empathise... As yet I have not going through anything like this, and have no idea what to say to people.
2) It's a little close to the possibilities of home at the moment. This afternoon I have an estate agent coming to value the house this afternoon, and to tell us if we should refit the kitchen if we are going to sell later in the year
Ergo I'm a little numb. Mrs Stace is struggling. She accepts me for who and what I am - but therein lies our problem. Even is not dressed she knows that I am not a man, even if I never transition she knows that I am not a man. She sees the inner me. And she is not a lesbian.
Time will tell if she can get over it I suppose. I dressed for the first time since telling her on Sunday - I duscussed it with her first. She asked me not to wear a skirt, I agreed.
We spent time cuddling during the evening, and she got her own back on my by flicking my bra strap open. We were both nervous, but made it through unscathed. This has allowed me to hope that she can come to terms with me - but it's a long way from a done deal, and as put above has nothing to do with whether I transition. Time will tell, as will her therapy that starts 1st March.
Then there was Julia's post.
As I put in my comment there I have never wondered if I was gay. From my ealiest memories I knew I should have been a girl, and spent an amount of time playing with girls when growing up.
When it comes to attraction though it is more complicated. I am not attacted to men in boy mode. In any way shape or form. However, in girl mode I have had my share of crushes - Phillip Scofield, Pierce Brosnan and recently David Tennent to name a few. But all of them in Femme mode. I can't imagine being with a man as a man - that does not fit in my head at all. As a woman however, that's different. Stacy definately has crushes on both men and women.
This is something that I have not yet told Mrs Stace or my parents. It confuse me as I've always said that male me and Stacy are one and the same person, but does this invalidate that point. It's hard enough for me to get my head around it, it seems very odd and weird... Is it?
Stace
Mixed Emotions by Chrissie
Gay No But I Am Queer by Julia
Chrissie's posting deals with her divorce finalisation having a date in court now, and the emotions that that brings up, plus looking forward to the future.
I really wanted to put something supportive in the comments - but when the window came up nothing was there to type. I ended up putting something that's probably comes across as trite - and for that I appologise.
I think there are two reasons why it wasn't happenning:
1) I can only empathise... As yet I have not going through anything like this, and have no idea what to say to people.
2) It's a little close to the possibilities of home at the moment. This afternoon I have an estate agent coming to value the house this afternoon, and to tell us if we should refit the kitchen if we are going to sell later in the year
Ergo I'm a little numb. Mrs Stace is struggling. She accepts me for who and what I am - but therein lies our problem. Even is not dressed she knows that I am not a man, even if I never transition she knows that I am not a man. She sees the inner me. And she is not a lesbian.
Time will tell if she can get over it I suppose. I dressed for the first time since telling her on Sunday - I duscussed it with her first. She asked me not to wear a skirt, I agreed.
We spent time cuddling during the evening, and she got her own back on my by flicking my bra strap open. We were both nervous, but made it through unscathed. This has allowed me to hope that she can come to terms with me - but it's a long way from a done deal, and as put above has nothing to do with whether I transition. Time will tell, as will her therapy that starts 1st March.
Then there was Julia's post.
As I put in my comment there I have never wondered if I was gay. From my ealiest memories I knew I should have been a girl, and spent an amount of time playing with girls when growing up.
When it comes to attraction though it is more complicated. I am not attacted to men in boy mode. In any way shape or form. However, in girl mode I have had my share of crushes - Phillip Scofield, Pierce Brosnan and recently David Tennent to name a few. But all of them in Femme mode. I can't imagine being with a man as a man - that does not fit in my head at all. As a woman however, that's different. Stacy definately has crushes on both men and women.
This is something that I have not yet told Mrs Stace or my parents. It confuse me as I've always said that male me and Stacy are one and the same person, but does this invalidate that point. It's hard enough for me to get my head around it, it seems very odd and weird... Is it?
Stace
Monday, 8 February 2010
Sennheiser RS 160 Headphones (time for something more fun)
As I work for an internet insurance broker I get cheap car insurance, but I have to wait until the end of the year when I get a refund. This came through in January so I decided to treat myself and Mrs Stace to some nice headphones for in home.
I use Sennheiser ear buds for use with my iPhone and I am really impressed with them, so I started my search there. On the register I saw a review for some new wireless 'phones.
Now, over the years I have always been a little nervous about wireless headphones after using a friends pair and hearing the hissover the music - totally spoint the effect. But the review said they were great, and I liked the technology they used - 44KHz 16bit (ala CD quality) non compressed. So I thought I'd give them a try.
I should have been able to write this last week (they arrived Tuesday) but as I always have things delivered to the office as I am never home during the day I had to wait until I went back after my recent bout of tonsilitis.
Got there today, ripped open the packaging and hoped the rechargable batteries for the receiver had enough charge in them. They did! So I plugged in my iPhone and started playing my latest album - Muse / Origin of Symmetry. I didn't know how much time I was going to get on the batteries so I flicked through my favorite tracks (Bliss, Plug in Baby and Feeling Good).
The sound is stunning, everything you would expect for tripple figure Sennheiser headphones. The bass is rich, the treble is crisp. There is no tinnyness in the top end, and no distortion in the base, even at the volume Muse demands. On top of that my colleague sitting at the next desk heard nothing, neither did I when they tried the set.
And the tramission quality? Flawless. Nearly. There were a couple of times when it sounded like a CD skipping. Whether that was from the iPhone (it does it from time to time) or the headphones I don't know. I'm charging the batteries for the receiver now and then I'll try again on a nice classical CD and see. When paused they are silent, when not paused it's as good as any wired set I have tried.
Set up was simple. Plug the base unit into the power and sound source, put the batteries into the head set and press play in the iPhone. No set up to pair the phones to the base station. I'm almost sure that my parents could cope with it :)
The batteries lasted the whole day in the end, 8 hours of listening almost - on batteries that came out of the packaging. With no pain or discomfort on my ears either.
I'll post an update when I've had them a couple of months - but initial impressions are very positive.
Update: Half way through my second CD now with fresh batteries and it hasn't missed a beat, so I am guessing that it was the iPhone that was struggling not the headphones.
Sunday, 7 February 2010
What is it with the English?
OK Second attempt (first was more confrontational than I meant it to be)...
I appriciate that I am also English and so it's an odd question for me to ask but...
Mrs Stace and I were watching 'The Big Questions' this morning on BBC1, well some of it anyway, during which they discussed assisted suicide.
I live in a country where assisted suicide is allowed, there are many forms that you have to sign, and the doctors have to have very good reasons for allowing it.
In the program most of the people against were using two arguments:
1) It's against my religion
Fine don't do it, problem solved
2) Doctors will be trying to force people to go for the suicide, or families will make the decision for the person in order to save time / money
Do people really beleive this? Do they think that just because it's an option that doctors are going to be queueing up trying to get people to take it?
It is there as an option for the person. Nothing more, nothing less.
I know of people who have been through the process of getting the paper work in order. It means that when the person involed reaches the point in their illness where they cannot procede she can stop the pain. I can't imagine how terrible a decision that must be to make, and hope that I never find out - but at least she now knows that when the medication is not enough to take away the pain she has an option
Should the situation change with our friend and the person involved decides not to use it nobody is going to come back with the signed papers saying you have to. It is a choice.
Surely is says more about the people concerend about families forcing it on the people than the people asking for the choice. What does it say about a person when the first thing they think about with assisted suicide is killing off relatives who do not want to die?
We do not put our pets through the long and painful process of dying by invasive diseases, so why do we inflict it on loved ones? When my Grandfather died 12 years ago I didn't shed a tear for years. The reson was I visited him a week or two before he died in hospital. The body in the bed was not my grandfather. I cried a lot when I left that visit, when he did die I was pleased that he was no longer in that amount of pain.
Should I need the choice I hope I have the option of taking it. not forced upon me, but the option of taking it.
Sorry for the rant, but those against it this morning offended me by implying people would use the law to get rid of people they thought a nuisance.
I appriciate that I am also English and so it's an odd question for me to ask but...
Mrs Stace and I were watching 'The Big Questions' this morning on BBC1, well some of it anyway, during which they discussed assisted suicide.
I live in a country where assisted suicide is allowed, there are many forms that you have to sign, and the doctors have to have very good reasons for allowing it.
In the program most of the people against were using two arguments:
1) It's against my religion
Fine don't do it, problem solved
2) Doctors will be trying to force people to go for the suicide, or families will make the decision for the person in order to save time / money
Do people really beleive this? Do they think that just because it's an option that doctors are going to be queueing up trying to get people to take it?
It is there as an option for the person. Nothing more, nothing less.
I know of people who have been through the process of getting the paper work in order. It means that when the person involed reaches the point in their illness where they cannot procede she can stop the pain. I can't imagine how terrible a decision that must be to make, and hope that I never find out - but at least she now knows that when the medication is not enough to take away the pain she has an option
Should the situation change with our friend and the person involved decides not to use it nobody is going to come back with the signed papers saying you have to. It is a choice.
Surely is says more about the people concerend about families forcing it on the people than the people asking for the choice. What does it say about a person when the first thing they think about with assisted suicide is killing off relatives who do not want to die?
We do not put our pets through the long and painful process of dying by invasive diseases, so why do we inflict it on loved ones? When my Grandfather died 12 years ago I didn't shed a tear for years. The reson was I visited him a week or two before he died in hospital. The body in the bed was not my grandfather. I cried a lot when I left that visit, when he did die I was pleased that he was no longer in that amount of pain.
Should I need the choice I hope I have the option of taking it. not forced upon me, but the option of taking it.
Sorry for the rant, but those against it this morning offended me by implying people would use the law to get rid of people they thought a nuisance.
Friday, 5 February 2010
Waking from a week of zombiefication
Well things are definately on the up. I only woke up 3 or 4 times last night, and got back to sleep reasonably quickly. There is still a little pain in the throat, and my nose has decided it's time to join the fun.
But... After sleeping I no longer feel like a zombie. Which was definately the case yesterday. I was even going to walk my normal running route until I saw the rain coming. Ho hum.
I can even call my parents again as talking is no longer painful. The last time I spoke to them was last wednesday (the good phone call) and I hope they don't think that's the reason I haven't called. When I do I want to leave all talk of GID behind. I just want a chat with my parents - something I have not done this year. But if they get onto the subject I don't wan to tell them I don't want to talk about it. We'll see.
I have a question for anyone who feels like they can answer though...
Why are some things acceptable for women to do, but not transgendered people?
The two things specifically: Rugby and cars / motorbikes.
Both of which give people a reason to question me. I appriciate that they feel the need to do so, and that if I wasn't a petrol head that likes the 6 nations it would be something else (my geekness maybe?), but it does grind when I hear the same things from different people.
Even worse when I point out that most of the time I go to the pub with women to watch the rugby, and that the person in the office who knew most about Top Gear (after me) was a woman.
This gets one of two answers... They know you like it so they speak to you about it - because I imagine that women are clamouring trying to find things to speak to one person in the office about.
Or... Well some girls do, but it doesn't mean that you should if you are what you say you are.
It's the total opposite of the word that Leslie used on her blog today 'Validation'. And leaves me feeling like a fake...
Sorry this was meant to be a more positive post. I'll try harder next time.
But... After sleeping I no longer feel like a zombie. Which was definately the case yesterday. I was even going to walk my normal running route until I saw the rain coming. Ho hum.
I can even call my parents again as talking is no longer painful. The last time I spoke to them was last wednesday (the good phone call) and I hope they don't think that's the reason I haven't called. When I do I want to leave all talk of GID behind. I just want a chat with my parents - something I have not done this year. But if they get onto the subject I don't wan to tell them I don't want to talk about it. We'll see.
I have a question for anyone who feels like they can answer though...
Why are some things acceptable for women to do, but not transgendered people?
The two things specifically: Rugby and cars / motorbikes.
Both of which give people a reason to question me. I appriciate that they feel the need to do so, and that if I wasn't a petrol head that likes the 6 nations it would be something else (my geekness maybe?), but it does grind when I hear the same things from different people.
Even worse when I point out that most of the time I go to the pub with women to watch the rugby, and that the person in the office who knew most about Top Gear (after me) was a woman.
This gets one of two answers... They know you like it so they speak to you about it - because I imagine that women are clamouring trying to find things to speak to one person in the office about.
Or... Well some girls do, but it doesn't mean that you should if you are what you say you are.
It's the total opposite of the word that Leslie used on her blog today 'Validation'. And leaves me feeling like a fake...
Sorry this was meant to be a more positive post. I'll try harder next time.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
4 days, 5 hours sleep! Or: A Temp Remedy for the GD
Or at least that is what it is starting feel like at the moment. I must have woken up in excuciating pain every 20 mins last night. It got that bad I moved to the spare room so that Mrs Stace could get some sleep as she had to get up for work.
Paracetammol isn't touching it anymore. The doctor has given me a different type of painkiller to gargle with alongside the paracetamol (how do you spell that?) to see if it helps. She doesn't want to do penecilin yet (fine with me if I can avoid it). So far today it's *better* but not good...
And having the pain for the last 4 days has definately blunted the GD in the short term. I am too focused on my tonsils. Not something I would reccomend though :)
Oddest thing... My doctor was ill so I had a replacement. Another person that now knows who I am. It was strange reading the last conversation (*that* conversation) I had with my doctor on the computer screen.
Update: I've just noticed that this is my 41st posting. I never thought I'd make it this far when I started.
Paracetammol isn't touching it anymore. The doctor has given me a different type of painkiller to gargle with alongside the paracetamol (how do you spell that?) to see if it helps. She doesn't want to do penecilin yet (fine with me if I can avoid it). So far today it's *better* but not good...
And having the pain for the last 4 days has definately blunted the GD in the short term. I am too focused on my tonsils. Not something I would reccomend though :)
Oddest thing... My doctor was ill so I had a replacement. Another person that now knows who I am. It was strange reading the last conversation (*that* conversation) I had with my doctor on the computer screen.
Update: I've just noticed that this is my 41st posting. I never thought I'd make it this far when I started.
Monday, 1 February 2010
Quick Update
Quick update whilst I am at the computer (not at work today)
The visit to the in-laws went as well as can be expected. Almost word for word. Understanding, but that can be hard when the issue you are being understanding about it married to their daughter. (Badly worded I know, but you get the idea)
But they are fine with me; they are just worried about their daughter. Naturally. It was a tense couple of hours, but by the time we left everything seemed OK. We were discussing kitchens and her dad produced the cut out from the work top that is used to stop the stone breaking in transport (across the hole for the induction hob). Her mum commented that it looked a little brutal and you cause someone serious injury with it so I hid behind Mrs Stace. Everyone laughed... They also offered either of us a place to sleep should we need it.
The throat... Now that is another matter. Off of work today (only online due to an emergency) and have been taking paracetemol every three hours (most you can do) and all it's doing it taking the very edge off... Sleep is not easy, nor is talking or breathing. Have an appointment with the doc in the morning to see what can be done. Seeing as I get this a couple of times per year I am hoping tht the doctor does not do what she said last time I went. She thinks I should just have them removed. Gulp.
Well time for another tablet, and hopefully an hour or so of sleep.
Oh and appologies for being a little quiet except for my blog. I just don't have the energy at present.
The visit to the in-laws went as well as can be expected. Almost word for word. Understanding, but that can be hard when the issue you are being understanding about it married to their daughter. (Badly worded I know, but you get the idea)
But they are fine with me; they are just worried about their daughter. Naturally. It was a tense couple of hours, but by the time we left everything seemed OK. We were discussing kitchens and her dad produced the cut out from the work top that is used to stop the stone breaking in transport (across the hole for the induction hob). Her mum commented that it looked a little brutal and you cause someone serious injury with it so I hid behind Mrs Stace. Everyone laughed... They also offered either of us a place to sleep should we need it.
The throat... Now that is another matter. Off of work today (only online due to an emergency) and have been taking paracetemol every three hours (most you can do) and all it's doing it taking the very edge off... Sleep is not easy, nor is talking or breathing. Have an appointment with the doc in the morning to see what can be done. Seeing as I get this a couple of times per year I am hoping tht the doctor does not do what she said last time I went. She thinks I should just have them removed. Gulp.
Well time for another tablet, and hopefully an hour or so of sleep.
Oh and appologies for being a little quiet except for my blog. I just don't have the energy at present.
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