This week is therapy week, so Stacy gets to go out again. There is the positive, I'm looking forard to it (both the stepping out and the therapy session).
But I find myself doing all things to try and make life simpler, that I feel I should not be. Last night was an example of this. For various reasons I've been taking the car to work everyday so far this week, I prefer to only use it one or two times a week and use either the motorbike or trains the other days. So with 60+ miles a day commuting the fuel is dissapearing fast. I sat in the car yesterday morning trying to calculate likely journeys, likely congestion for the journeys and what fuel I'll need. There was a possibility that I would need to get fuel on Friday. I decided I'm not ready for interaction as Stacy just yet and so filled up the car yesterday - which should give me enough to see Tuesday next week.
I feel like such a wimp for doing that... When does the getting easier start...
Far better to get fuel beforehand as bloke than to set yourself back by risking a bad experience doing it as Stace before your confidence level is up to it.
ReplyDeletei'll always sympathise with this view.
ReplyDeleteI think some of the scariest days in my life were the days when i first came out in public. Tears. Terror. Fear.
On the other hand...once i knew, i just leaped. Guess its similar to swimming. Some people suit leaping in the deep end: others prefer to build up confidence paddling around the shallow end.
For me, just going for it was the right answer. For you, it might not be.
i guess you've pondered on that one, so i've no intention to teach granny to suck eggs. bu-ut...might be worth considering.
oh...and keep commenting on my blog: you are a truly sensible grounded voice, and very much appreciated.
jane
xx
I've done the same thing, when I have a support group meeting coming up in a day or two. I'm not all that concerned with the anxiety of getting out and filling up while en femme, as all of our gas stations have a pay at the pump feature, where you just insert your credit or debit card, and anyone at a nearby pump will usually be a total stranger that you will never see again. I just don't like having to get off the highway and spend the extra ten to fifteen minutes that a fill up takes, because I have close to an hours drive, and I'm always running a few minutes late already anyway.
ReplyDeleteYour 60 minute commute reminds me of the one I used have, when I was working. 60 minutes in, and 60 minutes back, 5 days a week. I drove a full size quad cab pickup, that only got 17 MPG, and I was spending over $400 a month on gasoline, not to mention the wear and tear of driving 28,000 miles a year. A train would have been nice, but a major inconvenience, if I wanted to stop off somewhere on the way home.
Melissa XX
Confidence comes with time, Stace, and it's different for each of us. Each time you go out as yourself, it makes the next time easier, but it might go slowly. Don't worry about wimping out. Cut yourself some slack when that just feels better to you. And then, sometimes there are times when you want to go just past your comfort zone. Those are good too.
ReplyDeleteStace you must do whatever you are comfortable with and not feel pressured to move on at any pace than your own.
ReplyDeleteI personally like to push myself just a little bit more each time to feel that I am moving forward. Getting fuel would have been the ideal sort of thing which is quickly done so the experience is soon over and done with good or bad. Finding little things like that which you can tack on each time I think will help you with your confidence. Maybe next time.
Rachel XXX
I shall take the swimming motif and add that for over forty years I had slowly swum about but no matter how many times I went through the concept of diving in head first following a perfect arc through the air I was always struck with a barrage of negative what ifs which held me back. Then one day on my early morning swim with the old age pensioners! I found myself first out to the pool and without a conscious thought found myself in a short run to the pool edge and making that perfect arc!
ReplyDeleteow I cursed myself for my lack of courage for all those years. Naturally the pool was closed shortly afterwards and my figure has never been the same since but that is another story...
Once you make that step the view is greater and you never have to look back, hope you make another step onward soon.
Caroline xxx
Jenny: Pretty much my thinking.. Just wish that the confidence would get there :)
ReplyDeleteJane Fae Thanks.Odd thing is my therapist thinks that I grabbed the bull by the horns. First time out as Stace was to therapy in Amsterdam in broad daylight. Just can't seem to find the courage to take the next step. I guess at some point I'm just going to have to take a deep breath and do it, same as for the first time I left the house.
And thanks for the compliment, I'll happily keep commenting :)
Melissa: I normally use a pay at pump station, just becuase it's 10c/ litre cheaper than where I live, but I can't use it and get to Amsterdam in a reasonable time - so it would be a crowed, busy motorway service station that I would have to use.
17MPG? Ouch. I thought the T5 was bad at 30ish! The trains here are great, not too expensive, not too much difference in commuting time, and I can stop for a quick glass of wine with friends after work (something I can't do in thr car...)
Veronica: I think my problem is that I grew up in the instant gratification age. I have almost no patience... You turn on a computer and it's ready to use in a couple of minutes. I turn on the coffee machine and 5 mins later I've frothed milk and have a lovely fresh ground capuchino. And these things still feel like they could be quicker... Having to wait for my courage to catch up with my view of where I should be seems to be taking an age.
Rachel: Maybe. I think this week I would like to do the trip with no panics. In my last session my therapist said that I was making good progress, and that I had done enough things for one trip - things which left me a little stressed. As you say, maybe next time.
Thanks all,
Stace
This kind of issue, for me, is why I just wish to get to RLE and jump up in all the way. I really hate living between both worlds, and as I've been busy with my son this summer, my time for being myself has been very minimal. I still have fears of confronting my landlord, which will be done soon enough, and going full-out shopping, though vie managed to accomplish quite a bit thus far. But it is for me the sink or swim analogy, and for me, I just need to do it all the way, no place to hide sort of thingc... Counting the days..... As others have said, the more you get out, the greater your confidence which leads to being out more..!
ReplyDelete~Keri
Hmm blogger is playing up - Ijust typed this once and it didn't appear...
ReplyDeleteKeri: I discussed this with my therapist, and he came up with some good idea's. I'll say more in a future post, it's a little too much for a comment ;)
Stace