Stacy Steps Out

Well the travelogue is going to have to wait...  I thought that I would go with the visit to my therapist this week...

I decided to go as Stace.  This is the first time I have left the house as Stace.  My therapist offered a room to get ready there instead of driving there fully dressed but I just couldn’t do that.  Everybody who knows has told me that having GID is nothing to be ashamed of.  That has taken some working into my head.  To then run around in man mode before changing is not something that fits with that, and would just enforce the whole thing that it is something to be embarrassed and feel guilty about.  I run the risk of running into my neighbours of course, but that is something that Mrs Stace is more concerned about that I am.  I do feel guilty about it for her...

I started to get ready thinking I was going to be late, and ended up being far too early worrying that my make up was going to run before I even left the house. I managed to do my nails before the shakes started (thankfully) but did poke myself in the eye with the mascara brush again once they did.

The first 10 minutes after leaving the house were the worst.  I had to fight the urge to check the street from upstairs and *run* to the car so I could hide behind the steering wheel.  Managed it, got in changed into shoes more suitable for driving and got going.  I was shaking that much that I had to pull up around the corner and breath for a few seconds before continuing, and struggled with the clutch for a while (a T5 clutch, in unfamiliar shoes, and shaking uncontrollably is not the easiest...)  Getting stuck in traffic in town was not fun, and I began to wonder if I had done the right thing – I wanted blacked out windows whilst standing t red lights...

Got to the motorway and started to relax.  By the time I was halfway there it was just wonderful to finally be out in the world as me.  Until the airco decided to shut down again (it’s been playing up since Leicester) and I was worried about getting out of the car soaked...

Parked up with no issues and went looking for a parking machine to buy a ticket.  That was the only real test of the day.  There was a crowd of burly teenagers around one machine and I thought better of using that one and walked a little further in order to avoid them.  I have to say that walking 1/2km in heels is different than walking around the house – but I coped :)

On the way back to the car I got a look from a woman going into a house just a couple of doors down from my therapists.  Was it a *LOOK* or merely a glance that I misinterpreted as I was feeling a little venerable.  (My therapist thinks it’s more likely to be the latter).

The session went well; we spent the time discussing my family and their reactions over the vacation time in the UK.  He complimented me on the outfit and said if I walk with confidence I don’t stand out. I must admit that walking past a shop window I thought I looked good until my neck, then it all goes awry – he (and my mum later on the phone) disagreed.  Maybe I just need a little confidence to see it, I don’t know...

He was surprised by my parents, and joked that they are in danger of destroying his image of the uptight Brits not being able to cope with these things...

Going home went well (apart from no air still!) and I managed to get back into the house without my neighbours also being out and about in their front gardens as I parked (I don’t mind too much if they see me, but it’s not something I am relishing).  I spoke about that with my therapist – he asked what I was going to say, and told me to just keep it simple.  Be normal, don’t try to hide, and don’t go into big explanations straight away – just say hi if that’s what you normally do, it’s enough of a big thing in their head without adding to it with heavy explainations.  He pointed out that it’s not something ‘wrong’ or ‘illegal’ and that I wasn’t wearing some ‘out there’ outfit with a red feather boa, but a smart casual skirt and top that wouldn’t be out of place in an office.  Good advice – wonder if I can keep to it?

So first major step as Stace taken...  But I am so glad that I did not have to interact with anyone outside of my therapist – I guess I have to do that at some point, but I am not looking forward to that!