Damn, just when it was going well!

The last two weeks have been great.  I've been getting on with stuff, both project management stuff and getting my hands dirty in code again.  I'd say I was back to 90% of where I used to be and was enjoying my job again catching up on the things I let lapse during the last 6 months.

Then Thursday and Friday seemed to undo that somewhat.  My phone has not stopped ringing, and during 1 60min meeting I missed 20 emails.  I just can't cope with that it seems - my concentration gets destroyed and I sit staring at the screen again.  Hopefully next week I can get into it again.

That set the tone for yesterday.

I had two conversations where someone started talking about personality types.  And twice I was called a girl.  One time, and I know it was not meant in a nasty way, I was asked when I was starting hormones.  It was with someone who I get along with well, and we enjoy winding each other up - and neither of us takes it serious.  But I just could not answer that.  I had no witty comeback that I could use.  I had to go for the lame smile and saying haha.  Christ, it cut deep.  I'm sitting here tearfully just writing it up.

Then I went out with some ex-colleagues in Amsterdam and again personality questions came up again.  I was the only one who answered differently, and got back - that's a girls response.  No hormone question this time.  But to hear that when you are in a GD dip and not be able to give the answer you want to was almost as bad as the hormone question.

We are all geeks (me the least actually) and the talks went to blogs.  And talking about linking to each others.  I had to work so hard to stop myself saying anything.  Again just sitting in the corner saying nothing and fading into the background.  It was an enjoyable night, but it was bloddy hard as well.

It's not all bad though.  I managed to get a couple of important things organised this week.

I have an intake with a therapist.  Got the number from the VU and called.  He only takes people from the VU and a trans self help group in Amsterdam so I could get an appointment quickly.  Still a week and a half away, but I'm looking forward to starting (it doesn't scare me like the VU - maybe because this is getting my head in order and more than something that may significantly change my life).

Secondly...  I have an appointment to talk to my brother.  I loved his reaction to me making the appointment with him.  "I need to talk to you"  "Why?"  "Because I do"  "OK mate".  He is quite happy go lucky in some things.  Just hope he still is after I've told him.

And finally...  Something happy to end on...  More shopping today.  We are off to do the shoe shopping that should have been done last week.  I just hope they have the shoes in stock!