Saturday, 29 May 2010

Damn, just when it was going well!

The last two weeks have been great.  I've been getting on with stuff, both project management stuff and getting my hands dirty in code again.  I'd say I was back to 90% of where I used to be and was enjoying my job again catching up on the things I let lapse during the last 6 months.

Then Thursday and Friday seemed to undo that somewhat.  My phone has not stopped ringing, and during 1 60min meeting I missed 20 emails.  I just can't cope with that it seems - my concentration gets destroyed and I sit staring at the screen again.  Hopefully next week I can get into it again.

That set the tone for yesterday.

I had two conversations where someone started talking about personality types.  And twice I was called a girl.  One time, and I know it was not meant in a nasty way, I was asked when I was starting hormones.  It was with someone who I get along with well, and we enjoy winding each other up - and neither of us takes it serious.  But I just could not answer that.  I had no witty comeback that I could use.  I had to go for the lame smile and saying haha.  Christ, it cut deep.  I'm sitting here tearfully just writing it up.

Then I went out with some ex-colleagues in Amsterdam and again personality questions came up again.  I was the only one who answered differently, and got back - that's a girls response.  No hormone question this time.  But to hear that when you are in a GD dip and not be able to give the answer you want to was almost as bad as the hormone question.

We are all geeks (me the least actually) and the talks went to blogs.  And talking about linking to each others.  I had to work so hard to stop myself saying anything.  Again just sitting in the corner saying nothing and fading into the background.  It was an enjoyable night, but it was bloddy hard as well.

It's not all bad though.  I managed to get a couple of important things organised this week.

I have an intake with a therapist.  Got the number from the VU and called.  He only takes people from the VU and a trans self help group in Amsterdam so I could get an appointment quickly.  Still a week and a half away, but I'm looking forward to starting (it doesn't scare me like the VU - maybe because this is getting my head in order and more than something that may significantly change my life).

Secondly...  I have an appointment to talk to my brother.  I loved his reaction to me making the appointment with him.  "I need to talk to you"  "Why?"  "Because I do"  "OK mate".  He is quite happy go lucky in some things.  Just hope he still is after I've told him.

And finally...  Something happy to end on...  More shopping today.  We are off to do the shoe shopping that should have been done last week.  I just hope they have the shoes in stock!


  1. looking on the bright side, it is affirmation. Though I too found my socials with colleagues increasingly a major trial before I finally 'came out'.

  2. My heart is with you sweetie! I know what it's like, to have to hide a significant portion of your personality

    Hope you find the shoes of your dreams!

    Melissa XX

  3. Sorry to hear things aren't going so well. Sometimes matters seem to conspire against you, a big wall of evil stuff that just keeps on coming. :( But... stay strong - I know you can - and you'll get through it.

    Love the shoes BTW - v. nice! :)

    Oh - possible answers regarding "that's a girl's answer..." I could think of a few replies - but none of them are polite! :D

  4. Love the shoes Girl, check to see if they come in Red!!

    We all check our responses before we speak, at least some of the time depending, but you have developed a strong connection with your wife on a very different level and are beginning to see things differently, not just male or female, but of a greater sensitivity.

    When I am with a group of people who doesn't know my history, its pretty hard to reshape my background history in such a way that I don't 'out' myself, ie, the birth of my children, my Vietnam Military history and experiences, I have to rephrase them in such a way as to explain why my experiences are my but can't be connected to my male self. I really have to think before I speak or keep my mouth shut.


  5. When it rains it pours. Sorry you had it difficult. People can be mean as we all know. Try to let it roll off and know that in the end it really doesn't matter what they say its what you take away, and leave the garbage behind. Hugs.


  6. Yes... the cover is wearing thin, Stace.

    That seems to be the way of things; the push to be oneself openly just gets harder to resist, and starts to hurt.


  7. I get round the slight awkwardness of bloke interactions by bloking it up shamelessly. But then again, I have the appearance to back it up. I wish I could make my "girl" as obvious as you seem to have achieved when talking to women though.

    To-die-for shoes in an attainable size? Green with envy!

  8. Good luck talking with your brother and sorry to hear you've hit a few more bumps.

    Even the nicest, geekiest, most intelligent cis-gendered men seem to have an aversion to femininity that makes them make cruel, senseless comments like this. I suspect many however are just hamming up their own masculinity, saying it because they think that is what is expected of them and that deep down they're far more accepting of difference than the occasional "blokish" comment would have you think.

  9. Thanks all.

    Regarding the comments... I really didn't take offence. The one guy that I have mentioned a couple of time upset me because when he spoke is was with venom, but these ones were not. It was me wanting to answer with the truth but not being able to that got to me most I think.

    At least the shoe shopping was successful, though I didn't come back with the ones I went for :)


  10. A lot to ponder here, Stace. I know about the self-editing. For decades, I wanted to quash any signs of my interior femininity. Now I want to shout it to the people I know and respect, but have to bite my tongue again. Really a no-win deal.

    I'm very pleased that you got a shrink appointment so soon. You have so much swimming around in your head. You will really benefit from therapy.

    The unknowingly unkind jabs do cut deep. We all have to develop a thick skin, considering the frontiers we are charting. Stay strong, Stace.