Thursday, 28 January 2010

Another, better, phone call

I got back home on Tuesday evening to an answer phone message from my mum asking how I was. I'm thinking that she guessed I was as upset as them when we had finished the call on Sunday.

I called her back last night when I got in from work, we go to dance lessons on Wednesday and calls with my parents take a long time when we are talking about nothing, let along when it 'something'. So I had to assume she wasn't at work at what would have been really early in the UK.

Thanksfully she was not working afternoons and picked up.

She wondered why I was calling, and took a moment to register that she had left me the message yesterday.

Asked how I was, I said I was fine (typical English response) and followed it with except for on the train on the way home where I almost cried, on the bus where it got closer and walking home when I did cry. She asked why, I said because sometimes I can't see how I can cope not changing, I can't see how Mrs Stace can cope even if I don't and was just seeing everything falling apart. Some days it's really bad, yesterday was one of those days.

She has decided that she should see someone to find out more and to get help (I'm so pleased she has decided to do this) and went through what her and my dad are currently feeling. The word she used, as I have read a lot online, is grieving for her lost son. But she didn't spend any time telling me that I wasn't this call.

She had some questions though to try and help her understand:

1) When I was there over New Year I only shaved a couple of times: How can you stand to have facial hair if you feel that way
2) In the mornings when making coffee you went into the kitchen just wearing trousers, a lady wouldn't do that

Answer to the first was easy - I had forgotten my electric razor, and as my beard (if you can call it that) grows so slowly I can't wet shave more than once every two days. As I went for a special reason I had to time my shaving to travel + those days which meant I could not shave when I wanted.

The second is more problematic. I have a mans body, I have lived for 33 years as male. Whilst I am not comfortable taking my top off in everyday life this was in my parents house at 7 in the morning when getting fully dressed just to get a senseo coffee and go back to bed would have caused comment. Is that thinking normal for someone in my position?

But it wasn't full on contradicting what I think as it was on Sunday.

We then discussed a few other things. Again her saying she wanted to be able to do something pro-active to help me. She is upset that I must have lived such an awful life. I corrected her here. I hated my time in school, that much is true. But I have a job I like, a wife I love, a nice house to live in and a life that in general isn't bad. It it was the the decision to transition would be much simpler, but I have so much good in my life it makes life difficult (I appriciate that's an oxymoron).

We talked about the rock and hard place from this: Don't know how to live as current me, don't want to think about losing Mrs Stace. As either way is not really 100% happy and as that's what she wants for me she doesn't know what to say.

She also said that me changing would not make her and dad happy as they would be losing their son completely, and even if I transitioned how could she shake the fact that I am the son she gave birth to, but if that is what it takes to make me happy they'll support me 100%. I did point out that keeping that attitude (and keeping it) helps me more than anything else they can do...

We talked about my brother finding out (arrived there from the good life with friends etc). I said I can only think of one or two in the entire family that would *possibly* be OK with it. She has different thoughts there. If it ever reaches them knowing we'll find out.

I ended saying that there was one thing she said on Sunday that did make me feel very happy. The fact that when she said I was two people and used both names. Stupid little thing but that lifted my spirits no end. She answered that she didn't think it was stupid and that's just who I am so of course it's nice to hear.

Hopefully with the right information from a decent therapist they can work though this is a good way.

Anyway - I had better end here. I'm starting to get tearful again in a room full of people.

Update: I was starting to get tearful, but not in a bad way (I don't think)! At least I didn't feel really upset... Don't worry is what I am trying to say in a roundabout way


  1. Don't know how to live as current me, don't want to think about losing Mrs Stace.

    Can't help worrying for you Stace, having walked the same knife-edge myself at times with Mrs. J. Want to sound off, now it's my turn to say you know where to find me.

  2. Your mum and dad sound like very nice people, Stace. It's understandable that they would be upset to see you transition, but the fact that they said if that's what it will take to make you happy, they will support you 100%, is a testament of their love for you. It's also good to hear that your mum is actively seeking help in trying to understand and cope with the situation.

    Don't worry about her difficulty in picturing you as a female. You have been forced to live your entire life as a male, and therefore have been socialized as a male. It takes a lot of time and deliberate effort to overcome that.

    Warm hug,
    Melissa XX

  3. That sounds like a much more productive call than the last, and you got to be more truthful.

    I wouldn't worry about the spontaneous crying. I've dealt with these waves of emotion before. They tend to happen when I'm on the road, though I'm uncertain of the trigger. I think it's just pent-up emotion oozing out, not necessarily bad. You've been in the pressure cooker a while now, and a release is inevitable from time to time.

  4. Thanks all...

    They are great people, and I can't believe how well they have taken it so far. They need time, for that matter so do I. I'm just glad they are now talking about getting external help - something they said they were not going to do on Sunday.

    Thanks for the offer Jenny - I may take you up on that, be warned!


  5. Any time, I'll put the kettle on.

  6. Don't know how to live as current me, don't want to think about losing Mrs Stace

    That is a very tough call and it must be awful to be in that situation. To state the obvious, there aren't any quick answers to this one. Sorry :(

    Maybe seeing someone - a professional someone? - would help you talk through your feelings and help you decide on the path that's right for you.

  7. It's always going to be a wrench for your folks - they've a lot invested emotionally in that persona - and in one sense they will experience a sense of loss. That said from what you say it's obvious they are accepting the idea of your transformation - why you need it - and even would like to help you through it. Your partner is a bigger concern and although I won't preach to you, it may be worth thinking about getting some professional counselling to help in exploring everything around it.
    Regards Caroline

  8. Lynn / C B : Mrs Stace is waiting for an appointment, and I am still waiting for the hospital to send my first one as well.

    Seeing as I am waiting the hospital I don't really want to go to speak to someone who doesn't specialise in these problems.

  9. I rarely speak about Mrs. Calie in my blog. The thought of ever losing her just brings tears to my eyes. That is the terrible burden I live with daily. Fighting the urge to transition as a way to preserve my life with the woman I so love. The inner struggle will probably bring me to an early (and natural) death.

    Interesting comments about shaving and going shirtless. I have very slow beard growth. I can go about three days without it really showing. Nevertheless, I shave with a razor and I keep going over and over my face sometimes until it starts bleeding. I know this sounds sick, but I HATE facial hair. If I could ever do something to express my femme side, it would be to have soem electrolysis. I do hope I can get to that point.

    I have never felt comfortable with my shirt off. That goes back to grade school. I can probably count the number of times I had my shirt off around anyone other than my wife on one hand. I do have some natural breast growth and that has always made me uncomfortable walking around shirtless.

    Calie xxx