I got back home on Tuesday evening to an answer phone message from my mum asking how I was. I'm thinking that she guessed I was as upset as them when we had finished the call on Sunday.
I called her back last night when I got in from work, we go to dance lessons on Wednesday and calls with my parents take a long time when we are talking about nothing, let along when it 'something'. So I had to assume she wasn't at work at what would have been really early in the UK.
Thanksfully she was not working afternoons and picked up.
She wondered why I was calling, and took a moment to register that she had left me the message yesterday.
Asked how I was, I said I was fine (typical English response) and followed it with except for on the train on the way home where I almost cried, on the bus where it got closer and walking home when I did cry. She asked why, I said because sometimes I can't see how I can cope not changing, I can't see how Mrs Stace can cope even if I don't and was just seeing everything falling apart. Some days it's really bad, yesterday was one of those days.
She has decided that she should see someone to find out more and to get help (I'm so pleased she has decided to do this) and went through what her and my dad are currently feeling. The word she used, as I have read a lot online, is grieving for her lost son. But she didn't spend any time telling me that I wasn't this call.
She had some questions though to try and help her understand:
1) When I was there over New Year I only shaved a couple of times: How can you stand to have facial hair if you feel that way
2) In the mornings when making coffee you went into the kitchen just wearing trousers, a lady wouldn't do that
Answer to the first was easy - I had forgotten my electric razor, and as my beard (if you can call it that) grows so slowly I can't wet shave more than once every two days. As I went for a special reason I had to time my shaving to travel + those days which meant I could not shave when I wanted.
The second is more problematic. I have a mans body, I have lived for 33 years as male. Whilst I am not comfortable taking my top off in everyday life this was in my parents house at 7 in the morning when getting fully dressed just to get a senseo coffee and go back to bed would have caused comment. Is that thinking normal for someone in my position?
But it wasn't full on contradicting what I think as it was on Sunday.
We then discussed a few other things. Again her saying she wanted to be able to do something pro-active to help me. She is upset that I must have lived such an awful life. I corrected her here. I hated my time in school, that much is true. But I have a job I like, a wife I love, a nice house to live in and a life that in general isn't bad. It it was the the decision to transition would be much simpler, but I have so much good in my life it makes life difficult (I appriciate that's an oxymoron).
We talked about the rock and hard place from this: Don't know how to live as current me, don't want to think about losing Mrs Stace. As either way is not really 100% happy and as that's what she wants for me she doesn't know what to say.
She also said that me changing would not make her and dad happy as they would be losing their son completely, and even if I transitioned how could she shake the fact that I am the son she gave birth to, but if that is what it takes to make me happy they'll support me 100%. I did point out that keeping that attitude (and keeping it) helps me more than anything else they can do...
We talked about my brother finding out (arrived there from the good life with friends etc). I said I can only think of one or two in the entire family that would *possibly* be OK with it. She has different thoughts there. If it ever reaches them knowing we'll find out.
I ended saying that there was one thing she said on Sunday that did make me feel very happy. The fact that when she said I was two people and used both names. Stupid little thing but that lifted my spirits no end. She answered that she didn't think it was stupid and that's just who I am so of course it's nice to hear.
Hopefully with the right information from a decent therapist they can work though this is a good way.
Anyway - I had better end here. I'm starting to get tearful again in a room full of people.
Update: I was starting to get tearful, but not in a bad way (I don't think)! At least I didn't feel really upset... Don't worry is what I am trying to say in a roundabout way