Sunday, 10 January 2010

A long discussion withg my in laws

I've just noticed how long this post is getting - appologies in advance...

Well... For now everybody that is going to know about me knows. May parents, my parents in law and my sister in law and her husband.

I still don't klnow where my parents in law are, but they are naturally worried about their daughter, and the fact that she is only 33 - but that by the time we have some sort of solidity in our lives she could be in be in her late thirties. And that those are very important years for women.

They are also angry at me for not telling her everythign earlier. I can understand that as well.

We are supposed to be getting together sometime over the next week or two for the first time, that will lead to some sleepless nights again I imagine.

As for her sister... Mrs Stace told her on Friday over the phone. She didn't want to, but when she said she wanted to come for a chat just the two of them her sister panicked, and said that she had t know. I do like the way that she told her though... 'Remember at the vacation house where S said he had given up beer since finding out how many calaries there are in a bottle, and you said "Are you a girl as well", well he is'

She arranged that we would both go over the next day, and that I would stay with my borther in law and the kids whilst they went for lunch and a chat.

Cue another sleepless night.

We got there, everyone could see how terrified I was (apparently whilst being a good actor for the last 30 years I can't hide that :) ), so Mrs Stace and her sister went early for lunch. I had a rather uncomfrtable lunch with my brother in law, my neie and nephew.

Once my nephew was in bed (he was 1 on the same day my dad was 60), my brother in law started the discussion (using very vague words as my nearly 4 year old neice was still in the room). It was a very open discussion (and at some point she fell asleep and I fell from Dutch into English) and so got more specific. It was totally what I needed - he has no issues with it and we had a discussion about the idea of the gender spectrum. He totally beleives in that and knows that whilst he's not TG he does certainly have some femanine traits. He also said something which was great to hear, but harder to actually live with. 'If someone has an issue with what you are that is not your issue, it's their issue.' I agree, but it's still hard to live with - I have this overwhelming need to be liked by people and it really bothers me when someone doesn't...

The girls got back and I had a big hug from my sister in law. They asked if we wanted to stay for food.

We ate and just as we were putting the kids to bed the lights went out (100,000 homes without power in that part of South Holland apparently). After spending an age lighting candles and making tea on the stove we sat in the sofa and my sister in law says 'Well S, you gave us some big news then'

We spent the next thee hours talking (my sister in law and brother in law are much better at talking than me and Mrs Stace and so they led most of he conversation with questions etc). It was very calming to talk about it so openly (despite nearly crying a number of times). I think one of the best comments that came out was when my sister in law asked if I wanted to dress outside of the house as well as in. I said 'Not at the moment, I'm not going to turn up next week in a skirt.' She said you can if you want, we'll just have to explain to B (my neice).

I said it was odd to tell all of this, and everybody pointed out that once you get over the first hurdle of telling people you are TG, telling them that you prefer wones clothes etc is kind of a 'well, duh' moment as if you feel you are a women, then it's obvious and natural that you want the rest.

All in all it was wonderful to be so open, and last night for the first time in a week or so I slept like a log.

Now just meeting my parents in law for the first time after them finding out... They spoke to Mrs Stace yesterday when the power came back on, and were pleased that everything went OK today, and that everything was more or less normal (apart from when I first arrived). I'm hoping that is a good sign for when I meet with them next week or so...


  1. > for the last 30 years

    I think a person would be have to be pretty hard hearted not to be affected by what went on. I mean, you are opening yourself completely and not many people do that. It takes real guts - and likewise for your brother-in-law who was honest enough to share his views of it.

    I hope the next wave goes well and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.


  2. I'm thrilled to hear that you're getting such wonderful support from her family. What a relief that must be to both of you. I have high hopes for your wife's parents, after all their kids have approached this well so far.

  3. What great news.
    It sounds like you have made a very positive start, with nearly everyone being positive.

  4. Thanks for the support all

    Lynn: I have to confess that my coming out wasn't so much about guts, but about lack of... The anxiety / panic attacks were getting more frequent and I had basically broken down...

    Coming out the in laws was more for Mrs Stace than for me... She needs someone in the family to talk to, in her own native language (as good as her English is - better than mine - in a stressful situation you need your native tongue).

    However the response from my brother and sister in law was amazing - as you say to come out with what he did shows a level of understanding that I would never have expected from anyone who hasn't gone through it.

    As for her parents... We'll see. I'm hopeful, but still well aware that my issue deeply affects one of the two most most precious things in their life quite negatively. That must be hard to deal with for them.

  5. I'm glad things went well with your sister and brother-in-law.

    Now for your wife's parents! Just take a big breath and hope for the best!

    Calie xxx

  6. > but about lack of...

    Well... you say that, but various excuses and reasons could be given to put people off the scent. Don't do yourself down, Misses. :) It's one thing to come out to a friend or a partner; but to the whole family? Major props :)

  7. Cheers both... Meeting my mother in law for the first time tonight... Very nervous...

    Lynn: Thanks. I guess when you put it like that, it just doesn't feel that way to me :)