As I wrote last week I was a little nervous for this weekend. I hadn't realised just how much, until I realised I was snappy, exhausted and going round and round in my head.
Just what I am going to be like before the operation I really don't know. Stress about medical things is not something that I do well. I think that a lot of valerian may be taken in the time leading up to it.
But! Saturday morning I got ready, tried to use the anaesthetic cream (wow, that is something that is not going to get easier is I think) and wrapped in cling film I went to the laser clinic.
In a very, very bad place. I am starting to get fed up at some of the comments from some corners when something is painful or difficult. You want it. Now, serious amounts of stress and starting to get fed up at a comment are really not good bed fellows. Round and round that comment was going.
You want it.
I'm going to be brutally honest here. No. No I really don't. And anyone who does needs to speak to a professional.
I really can't imagine that anyone would want to be transsexual. I don't particularly want the treatment either. Having someone zap at your face (and other areas) is not my idea of fun. And the thought of major surgery doesn't thrill me either.
So, no I don't want this. It's something that I am going to have to have, and it's something that is making the world of difference to me. But, I don't want it.
That for 30 minutes whilst driving in Amsterdam weekend traffic is not pleasant and I was almost in tears.
But! I digress.
I got to the clinic and went into the room. Time for one of the most embarrassing things I have done (and let's face it, in this journey there are a few!).
Skirt hitched
Tights and underwear off
Lie on the couch
Gulp.
But. To be fair, once that moment had passed the embarrassment passed with it!
Now for the pain. Glibber (I don't do that type of pain!). She told me that if the anaesthetic worked then I wouldn't feel the cold of the gel.
I didn't (woohoo) and then spent the next 30 minutes staring at the ceiling whilst she did god knows what (it's the strangest feeling - kind of like when you sleep on your hand and it all goes numb) down there. Staring at the ceiling and talking helped a lot. But, it really didn't hurt at all.
Well, except for the ache from having my legs in strange positions in order to give access...
Or after either. Hopefully that means that in future I can not stress out when driving there!
(PS Sorry for the rant midway!)
No, I'm not sure on the 'you so want it' vibe either. I mean, given the choice, who'd pick to be trans?
ReplyDeleteSure, there are some positive elements to it, but I think it's a hell of a slog to get there.
Not me...
DeleteIt's getting better, but it was not a great 35 years to reach this point!
Stace
At least unlike beard lasering you don't have to worry about getting the sun on it :)
ReplyDeleteGulp!
DeleteWell at least not in January....
ReplyDeleteDouble gulp! That'd be cold!
Delete:)
It's you blog so it seems only right that you get to rant
ReplyDeleteNo one in their right mind would put themselves through what we do unless there was no other way. Forget the comments if you can - they are not worth your consideration.
As for the Laser - can't you just lie back and think of England ... Or whatever you Dutch/Anglo ladies think about ?
The problem is that they come from supportive people who have no idea how hurtful those comments are. And I'm too polite to say anything. I think that may change...
DeleteAs for the laser, once I was down and looking at the ceiling so I had no idea what she was doing (makes it less embarrassing that way) just talking with her whilst she worked was fine.
Actually, at one point I commented that it can't be the easiest place for her to laser either, to which she responded, "Ah, it's a challenge!" :)
Stace
Glad to hear it went as well as it possibly could have, Stace. Again, I admire your courage. It's inspiring!
ReplyDeleteDon't blame you one bit for the rant. Totally agree with Becca: no sane person would subject themselves to this unless they HAD to. My electrologist, who had never worked with a trans client before, has told me as much several times. I just keep telling myself the end result will be worth the pain and periodic embarrassing moments.
Hang in there!
== Cass
I'll come clean and say courage had nothing to do with this one. It needs doing so it had to be done. I'd like to say that I took it with no stress before hand, but no. I was terrified! Both of the possible pain, and the probable embarrassment!
DeleteI hate seeing myself in the shower. Having someone else see it, and someone who I only know from laser at that, and do stuff is just oh my god!
The end result will be worth it, after all the result so far is worth it, I just need to keep slogging away! :)
Stace
I hope you tipped her well.
ReplyDeleteI'll be honest, I didn't even pay! They send these bills though to the gender Clinic :)
DeleteStace