End of another year...

I was re-reading my last few posts and decided that I refuse to end the year on a downer. Things are obviously still interesting at home, but I don't really want to talk about that today.

The last two days I've been thanking my lucky stars that when the opportunity came up a couple of years ago to get my dream (affordable) car that my wife let me take it. I got myself a V50 with AWD. Driving around, with TC off and without struggling the last two days when most around me were made me see that it was the right decision. (Though not the reason I got the car :) ).

Seeing as I am heading up through the Cairngorms in Scotland over the new year I decided to treat myself to winter tyres yesterday as well. The difference they make is huge! I can't reccomend them enough. The only downside is that they are noisey compared to normal tyres and I can't play in empty carparks anymore as it just drives in circles instead of drifting in circles (sorry, self-confessed petrolhead - empty carpark + snow = playground).

The scenes that we have here at the moment are just amazing! I'll see if I can post some of the shots I took yesterday from the office window. Watching the kiddies playing in the snow, looking at all of the snowmen that have been built all around and going for walks around the lake where I normally run - it's enough to make me emotional, I love it. Watching my boss get stuck three times in less than 3 car lengths nearly made me cry with laughter...

On that note I am going to sign off for the year - as I've said Christmas with Mrs Stace's family, followed by New Year and my dad's 60th on 2nd January spent in northern Scotland mean that I am not going to be able to read, or write for a couple of weeks.

Merry Christmas all! (Or for those that don't celebrate - Seasons Greetings!), and wishing you all the best for 2010!

Thankyou for helping to keep me slightly sane for the latter half of 2009!

Another week another rollacoaster

Well... This may well be the last post of the decade here...

Things are 'interesting' at home. Mrs Stace is still being great, but she is having a seriously tough time looking at her husband and seeing Stace instead - it's only been seven days and I just hope that time can do something to help her adjust. We've both cried rivers over the last week - and there are many more to come I am sure...

On that note I've decided to lay off the blog for a couple of weeks whilst I try to clear my head... I'll still be checking my mail (and answering it), and reading others blogs - but I doubt I'll be commenting on anything other than lighthearted posts as I wouldn't even know where to start at the moment. At least up until christmas - after that I am in my parents house and have no private access to the internet :)

In case I don't get a chance say it next week 'Merry Christmas and a happy new year!'

Hope you all have good ones!

Stace

Just about landed

Well I slept last night... Lights out, my head hit pillow and the next thing I knew the alarm went off. Much better than the night before...

With a couple of exceptions I'm on the up at the moment.

Mrs Stace asked 'the question' last night. My anwser made her cry (my answer being that yes I would change if I could, but I want to and try to learn to cope and stay with her rather than actually change). I feel awful about making her cry. On top of that she feels that she is holding me back, being unfair to me and stopping me being happy. I just can't see myself being happy without her. I'm sure you all know this 'rock and the hard place' issue.

The other problem is the assesment early next year. I don't know if this sounds stupid (I know I am just a paranoid person) but I an petrified that I am going to go in there, fill in the forms and answer the questions, then spend an hour with the therapist - only for them to tell me it's all in my head and to leave.

At least the ball is now rolling, Mrs Stace and I are getting back onto some degree of 'normality' (hate using that word, but can't express it better than that) and I am no longer torn apart on the inside as I was this time last week. I suppose that's progress... The fraggle is on the way back :)

Back from the doctors...

Got back from the doctors a few mins ago. It went great, she was very understanding, friendly and helpful. By the end of the consultation she asked how I was feeling and if I had relaxed a little.

I had relaxed, and thanked her for making it much easier than I was expecting. She looked shocked and asked what I thought was going happen - did I think she was just going to say 'no I'm not doing anything for you'. I answered that I had heard horror stories from the UK...
She has given me a referal to the VU in Amsterdam .The Gender Clinic there has a very good name apparently, which I would expect - it's one of the best University Hospitals in NL.

I've called and will have an intake early next year. But... Being one of the best it also has a major waiting list. 9 months from the intake. The call was very odd for me. Considering that I've spent the last 30 years never mentioning it the phone call was (obviously in hindsight) extremely frank and for the first time I was asked what my 'birth sex' is - as opposed to gender.

At the moment I'm more relaxed than I have been for days. I still have a lot of nervous energy which I am going to pound into the tarmac round the lake near my house. I'm thinking 6km's should take care of it. But it just seems like nervous energy at this moment in time, rather than thoughts rolling over and over in my head.

My boss has been great - although not being able to tell him *what* the problem is means that his attemps at help are not always the correct way forward. But he means well. I just explained I was having major personal issues, and I may need to leave for a walk occasionally, and I may not be 100% efficient - but it has nothing to do with my love of the job. He said that he'd never assume that of me and to do what I needed.

I'm giving myself this afternoon working from home to try and land on terra firma again from this morning, then back to the office tomorrow.

Right, time to get changed and hit the pavement!

Breakdown...

I'm completely spent this morning.

I actually slept very well last night, Mrs Stace suggested that I take Valdispert to help keep me calm over the next week or two and I think it calmed me down enough to sleep.

This morning though I was terrible. She made a comment / asked me an 'interesting' question (not in a nasty way, and I didn't take it in a nasty way) to which I gave her an honest answer - so far so good.

Then I broke down in the shower. My head just kept going through worst case scenario over and over. It took many attempts to button up my shirt as my hands were shaking so much (shaking hands is also a problem I have a lot, but this was excesive).

Then I was on the verge of tears the whole 35 miles to the office - except for the time when she was on the phone (built in, not holding on to anything except the steering wheel!). It got much better until she hung up. I ended up crying 10 mins before the office, it actually released an amount of pressure. After being a very emotional child always being told that I should not cry I find it very hard to do now - I guess I need to learn to accept it...

I'm now worried that she is going to stop making comments - I've told her not to - seeing as this was the way I reacted to the first one...

Whilst I guessed that it would be hard to go through telling her, I never expected it to affect *me* this much. I dread to think what she is going through.

And I have a major headache - which paracetamol is not clearing up at the moment.

I think I am going to have a sit down with my boss and explain that I am going through some hard personal issues at the moment, and that I may need fresh air from time to time.

Update: I just made an appointment with my GP tomorrow (something that Mrs Stace suggested I do)... And now feel really sick.

Best laid plans...

Well two posts in one week...

Thanks to all the advice from Saturdays post, I did think long and hard about how / if I should tell her and had *started* to work out a plan. Unfortunately my body decided to get in the way...

About 11pm last night in bed I had quite a panic attack, by my estimation my heartbeat got to the 120 plus stage, I couldn't lie still and started to have issues breathing - when that happened earlier in the year I ended up in A&E being pumped full of Valium so that I could breath again, and off of work for a week to get over the effects of said Valium.

She asked what was wrong, I told her. Everything.

So far she has been great, I am just terrified of if that changes.

She is wonderful, and everything to me - and I hope that she knows how much I love her.

When the details of last night are less murky in my head (only managed two hours of sleep last night) I may elaborate on this cryptic post. But I think I have to get them right first.

Again thanks to all for your support as well.

Appologies for the poorly structured post.

Wednesday Morning 3am

Well Saturday morning 7am... But still too early to be up and doing stuff.

To begin with appologies for the Americanism that's about to follow but I cant think of an appropriate English phrase :)

It's been a hell of a week

In the office it was a little sombre as you can imagine - slowly getting back to normal towards the end. There was a rememberance book for those who wanted to sign, but in the beginning it was on his desk - and I just can't do emotions publically.

It was moved after the first day to a private room, and on Wednesday when I got to the office I went and left my message. I welled up as I wrote it, just a simple couple of lines.

On the personal issues front things have changed a lot in the last couple of weeks. The epiphany from a couple of weeks ago came from reading Calies profile. Trans, non-transitioning, happily married.

After 30 years of knwoing, but not quite totally accepting myself this just jumped at me. And caused some more sleepless nights.

My issue now is that my better half knows about my dressing, and I think has an idea that it goes further. But I haven't told her everything. I'm ashamed of the last, but got scared. I really want to tell her everything - and I think that I have to for the sake of my head - but the thought of doing it terrifies me. When we first talked of the dressing she said it could never go further as she does not want a relationship with a woman. Whether she means transitioned or not I don't know.

I would not transition - I have too much invested in my life to do that, but I do not know what she would make of full disclosure... Sorry I'm starting to ramble here.

I did however come out to a friend. In totalness. More sleepless nights. But he has been fantastic - I'm not the first person he knows who is trans, and he actually acted exactly the same as I did when a uni friend came out to me. As in not making a big deal about it. I've been wanting to say it for a while - but finally plucked up the courage.

He's gay and when we go drinking it's normally in his local - a gay bar - where they have a screen with pictures of parties on the wall. A few of the people who go to the bar parties are also drag queens - I joked that maybe they should learn how to wear a dress (rather too much on display... - not *that* much but too much - but I digress). I had decided that I was going to do it and asked him to walk to the station with me.

On the way I told him I had something I needed to say - to which he responded that he had a feeling I had something to say for a while.

I went on to say I pointed out the guys who needed to learn how to wear a dress was... Because I knew how to wear one.

'Oh is that all'

'No... not really'

'Oh no, poor you'

He said that he was honoured that I trusted him enough to tell him, and let me know that it was safe with him and any time I needed someone to talk to he was there. Oddly enough he' had head issues himself recently and I said exactly the same thing to him.

Unfortunately at that point my train turned up and I had to leg it. I got a couple of supportive SMS's from him on the way home. Which I had to delete as we both share the phones at night if we need to send / receive an SMS and I'm not ready to tell her that I've come out to someone else yet.

We've spoken since. I said I was surprised that nobody had questioned anything. I've noticed reently that my mannerisms have changed a little. Plus I shave my arms and hands weekly and have an emeryboard on my desk, and I now have slightly long nails that are shaped a little... He just said he had an idea of something - but not how much.

I'm still in two minds about whether it was a good idea. It feels great to have offloaded it after 30 years, a weight has been lifted. It's nice to be able to talk about it. But someone now knows my secret, and I I always have this nagging doubt that talking about things is self obsessed - when I do it - I'll happily listen to others as much as they need, just feel that I am encroaching on others when I do it. (and with that an appology for long self obsessed post...)

Anyway - I hope this post doesn't read too negative. I actuallly see this week as a positive week. Apart from the lack of sleep due to a brain that is working overtime, I feel all the better for it.

And on a techy last note I have to recomend a remote from logitech. The Harmony 525. We got one last night , spent a long time programming it for all the tasks that we have (Watch TV, Watch a BluRay, Listen to the radio etc etc etc). It works great. You point it at the tv system and it does everything for you in one click of a button. As opposed to many clicks of many remotes that we had previously. Well worth the money, and it's great to have one remote instead of 7. Looks kind of classy too as opposed to some of the other universal remotes you can get.

Appologies again for the super long post. Once I started typing I found it hard to stop...

BTW: If any of you haven't already - I recommend this on Bree's blog. I thought it was a very interesting piece.

(Lyrics: Simon and Garfunkle)

Phone calls...

Well I'm working from home again, third time lucky for the guy from Sealskin to fix the shower cubicle... He's been and gone and so I am working as Stace yet again.

About 30 mins ago I got a call from the phone company offering to transfer my internet connection to them with a nice discount. I am actually interested in doing this, so listened and answered. Once again I was mistaken for Mrs and not Mr. :) That meant I could do my normal walking whilst talking wihtout having to struggle out of my shoes whilst still holding the phone.

I had a long conversation about what I could and couldn't do, all the time en femme. It was actually quite nice. Except... The assumption that I had absolutely 0 technical knowledge. Whether that was because they thought they were speaking to a woman, or because the woman on the end of the phone also had limited technical knowledge I am not sure - but it did stand out that when I asked what type of modem the subscription came with I was told 'One that you do not even need cables to use it with your computer, and that you can use multiple computers with'.

I wanted to know if it was gong to be as reliable as my LinkSys one that I have at present - but without a model number I gues I am not going to find that out.

Ho hum. To be honest I just quite enjoyed taking the en femme role on once she thought I was a she...