So, the good sides!

Whilst Monday and Friday were pretty awful bookends to the week, the time in between was very good.

On Tuesday morning I was still feeling exhausted. It was not an enjoyable drive to the office and I drank coffee after coffee after coffee (I normally stop at 2 or 3 these days).  But I got into my work, had a chat with my boss - both a catchup and a chat about how I was feeling and things went OK.

Someone who has known since almost the start of the process asked me if I was OK as I did not look great and so we went for a walk to have a catchup. I told him how I was feeling the day before, the issues that I have been having in my head.  Outside of feeling a little delicate right now there were two things that have been getting to me.

The first is that fear of the operation that I have put here.  And there he had a really good point which I had not considered. I'm terrified of not waking up from the anaesthetic.  The chances of it happening are tiny, I know that, and yet it's still there.  I said it was strange that for so many years, whilst never seriously considering it, I spent time each day wondering if it would simply be easier to end it all and what method would be painless and guaranteed to work.  And yet I am afraid of death.  And was at the time as well.  His take on it was simple.  You are afraid because you are not done living yet and you want a lot more of it.  Actually looking at it that way felt really good.  Something I am going to try and keep in mind.

The other was a couple of comments that I have had recently. Nothing bad, nothing meant bad, and certainly not nasty.  But they were all reminders that I am still Stacy the Transsexual, rather than Stacy the Scrum Master.  Normally they would not have affected me at all, but with feeling down anyway they really hit me. He had some really great words there as well.  People are really relaxed around me, sometimes they completely forget what I am going through as I make it so natural. And in those cases these questions can come out without thought of the impact.  He has also had a dramatic year outside of work, and he has the same things.  People make comments thinking that they are saying something nice, but actually it just reinforces the issues that he has had over the period.  Again, it was a way of looking at things that helped a lot.

By the time we got back to the office I was feeling much better!

Then it was time for our Scrum evaluation. We have been using it for a little over a year now, and so far (almost) so good.  There are lots of places where we can improve, but that isn't too say we are doing too badly.

The whole IT department was involved and I was amazed at the energy from everyone, the ideas that people came up with and the fact that the problems that others came up with were the same as the issues I could see from my evangelical Scrum Champion viewpoint :)

The 90 minute session just flew by and we had a lot of good ideas at the end.

An evening spent with my in laws and their kids sealed a very good day! (Except for the traffic jam in getting there ;p)

Wednesday went well, I'm trying to think if there was anything special in the day at work.  It's coming up blank, so I guess not!

But the evening was very interesting! Since I took my Product Owner course I have realised that I will never be a product owner (which is fine, know what your strengths are and work to them!), but as I am supposed to be able to coach them I should make sure that I have an idea about the thought processes, about what makes a good product owner great and the issues facing most of the product owners.

So I joined a group on meetup.com called 'Product Tank - AMS.  There are three versions of the group, one in New York, on in London and one in Amsterdam.  They meet up once a month for discussions, networking and generally they have presentations from external people.  I met someone who goes to these events at the training day and I could see his enthusiasm I thought I'd give it a try.  The first event that I went to was a networking only session.  It was attached to a large conference and so rather than have presentations it was a chatting session at the end of the day.

Oh dear.  A large group of people where I do not know anyone.  Crap.

But I went anyway, having no idea what I would encounter (just how many three headed monsters are in this world???) or whether I would feel out of place as a none product owner trying to gain an insight into product owners.

I was the first one there, and really welcomed by the person setting everything up.  People started to flow in a couple of minutes after I got there and I started chatting to the guy that I met at the training day. After 1/2 hour or so he went to make sure that his colleague who had come along (another Scrum Master) was getting on OK and I went to the bar.

Where I overheard a really interesting conversation about a Japanese start-up, ran by someone from Silicone Valley.  I waited for my drink and then did something I have never done before in my life.

I joined their group without an invitation.  I don't know about the water I was waiting for, I think I needed a scotch!

But it was fine, we introduced ourselves and they guy continued with his story.  And I stayed with that group for the rest of the evening, having a really great conversation about the trials and tribulations of Product Owners, trying to get management to work with you rather than working against you and trying to figure out what items on the backlog should be done when.

A great evening, and I will be going back next month to actually see one of the talks.  :)

Thursday was another 'what did I actually do' day.  One thing that does fly out at me is our Scrum of Scrums that we have weekly.  The idea is that all Scrum Masters come together and chat about what's working and what isn't inside our teams.

This time one of the guys was really getting stressed about his team.  The daily stand-ups were taking too long, had turned into a planning session where work was negotiated with the Scrum Master and product owner daily and had no energy any more.

We decided to do a hard reset of the team.  He is going to talk to them and say the stand-ups are being reverted to straight Scrum stand-ups.  Three questions need answering from people each day:

1. What have I done since the last stand-up
2. What issues am I facing at the moment
3. What I am planning to do before the next stand-up

But...  He is also working for the team, as well as being Scrum Master and what ever he does seems to place him back in the role of project manager to the team.  I think they want the security of that role over their heads.

So I am going to play the bitch for the next few weeks.  I am going to be hard and anything that deviates from the actual meeting is going to be stopped dead before the meeting gets derailed.  The product owner is going to ask no questions of the team.  If he sees something that makes him think of a questions he can ask afterwards, as it should be.  The team will not get to update their expected work on tasks in the meeting itself.  That will be done during the day as it should be, and the Scrum Master is going to update their burn down chart for them before the meeting starts.

Base Scrum.

I'm actually really looking forward to it.  Not because I like being a bitch (no matter what some people say!) but because I think the team can work so much better than they are, and have a lot more fun in doing so than they are having at the moment.

And that thought fills me with energy too!  Let's see how long I can keep it ;p

One comment can make make a whole (awful) day fantastic!

Really, a short post today!  Honest!

Whilst Tuesday to Thursday were great days, yesterday sucked.  A series of technical mishaps in the morning meant that I could have stayed in bed and achieved the same result. Never puts me in a good mood.

But...  In the company has arranged a pension advisor to spend some time with those that want to take a better look at their finances now and in the future and for 25 euros I thought it was a good idea.

So I went in, we discussed current plans and future plans, where my pension lies at the moment and what (if anything) should I do to prop it up (seeing as no one gives a final salary pension any more).

Anyway we got to the end and I asked to go through the yearly overview that is sent as it means nothing to me.

We started and immediately he noticed a problem on the paper work.

Him: Hmm..  We have to get this corrected, it says Mr.  I wonder how on earth that could have happened

Me: Err...  At the time when the report was made it was correct

Him: Oh, it used to say Mrs

Me: Err.....No, at the time it was made I was officially... (Not awkward at all :p )

[The penny drops - you could see it fall!]

Him: Oh!  Ohhhh...  Well, during the last hour I would not have guessed that at all! (Woot!) I really had no idea!

And my day was made even with all the crap with our servers :)

A bit of reflection, and an almost better week!

Hmmm...  Where to to start.

Last week I posted that I was having a tough time.  In fact I was really struggling.

I was exhausted after the race last week, and still not feeling 100%. I didn't particularly like my time, the pictures that were taken of me when running.  I was just a bit (lot) meh...

And so Monday rolled around.  I could not get myself moving in the morning, struggled to get to work and then spent time just staring at the computer screen not being able to do anything.  I had a series of meetings in the morning that I could have done without, and seeing as they are Scrum meetings and I am evangelical about Scrum you can see what mood I was in.

Before they started I had a chat with my boss. I was not going to be useful that day, I could provide input for the meetings, but other than that I knew I was not going to be productive.  I was on the edge of tears and staring into space.

It hit me that I had been feeling the same way for the last couple of weeks.  I needed a break.  So I took one.  I asked to take the afternoon off. From works perspective it would not make a difference. I would either be staring at the screen being unproductive, and stressing about being unproductive, or I could take the afternoon off and be legitimately unproductive. And yes those are the words I used with my boss.

We arranged a chat for the following morning and I went to my meetings.

They went as I expected them to, not great and not awful. and then afterwards I had a chat with a colleague about some work things.  Time for lunch and we sat outside for the first time this year.  Wonderful out of the wind and in the sun.  Our founder and director came to join us and we had a nice chat about the race the day before (everyone is telling me I should be prouder of my time than I am) and just enjoyed a relaxing 45 minutes in the sun.

Then I left for home.  I came really close to tears most of the journey back, and so thought better of filling up with fuel and just went straight home.

I put the cushions on the lounge set for the first time this year (if it's not raining it has to happen again this weekend as they all smell like caravan cushions from being shut away over winter).  With a nice cup of tea (I am English!) and a book I am proof reading for a friend I laid in the sun and tried to relax.

And a couple of minutes after I finished my tea and put the book down for a second it was suddenly 2 hours later and the sun was disappearing behind the house.  OK...  I guess I was a little tired as well then.  Some more tea, some more pages and then the sun really disappeared and it went cold!

Yet more tea and I thought I'd call my mum.  For one I wanted to just have a chat, and for another she gets annoyed if I try and protect her from worrying by not telling her when I'm feeling crappy.  90 minutes later I'd had a great chat with her, and my dad (about both me and the progress of the Spitfire).  Feeling a little better I called my Spitfire dealer to order the bits that my dad needs for the car, to discuss photos (I've offered to be his photographer for when they come to Zandvoort to race again). I also sent the witch picture of me with my other sample photos (he was really impressed with the bikes I'm pleased to say), and got two great comments from him.  Firstly he was shown the picture without being told who it was, and he had absolutely no idea! (I always take that as a compliment) Secondly, a wonderful comment from him and his wife.  I look so much better as Stacy than I did before. Well, you can never hear that enough can you?

By the time I was done Mrs Stace came home from work and we had a chat with each other.  We have both been snappy and short tempered recently, and neither of us know why. We have both put it down to the stress of the situation.  But talking about it has helped so much.  Throughout the night we were making jokes with each other about comments that could be interpreted as snappy and both of us were so much more relaxed.

I was feeling so much better at the end of the day than the start.  I was warned that I would feel like this 3 years ago by my therapist, but until now it's not really something I have suffered from.  I hope I don't suffer from it much more!

The rest of the week has been fun, but looking at the length of what I have written I think that is another story!

Tough week, tough weekend

Maybe a short post today, we'll see by the time we get to the end.

Sort because, well I can't say too much about why it was not good. The fact that the fear and stress of last weekend were not helping my sense of self though out the week.  I was not in a good place, and it stayed not a good place.

Then there was the weather over the last week.  Awful springs to mind. A couple of days have been OK, but the wind has been over the top.  To the point where on Thursday I could not even run (60kmph+ winds do not equal good running conditions for me!).  So I felt like I had failed in my work out routines because I missed one.  Hmmm....

And then a few things in the office have just not sat well this week. I've really not been happy.

And of course, that big, massive, scary phone call I was waiting for did not happen...  I called on Friday as  I had not heard anything and...  Nothing has been arranged yet, maybe next week.  Hohum. They are really busy at the clinic and I can handle another week, but I would have preferred a call to let me know...

And then the tough weekend...

It started on Friday evening.  Normally that is shopping and collapsing.  This week we managed to get hold of last minute tickets for Eddie Izzard in the Heineken Music Hall in Amsterdam.  We got there a couple of hours early to grab a bite to eat. In an area that has the Heineken Music Hall (>10,000 capacity), the Ziggo Dome (capacity 17,000 people) and the Amsterdam ArenA Ajax stadium (capacity > 50,000) all with high profile events (Eddie Izzard was sold out, Pink at the dome and Ajax playing at home) it was amazingly hard to find somewhere to eat.  By our reckoning there are only two real restaurants and then snack stands and a fast food take away place.  We got the last table for two in one of the restaurants for their Chinese buffet (which was expensive, but quite nice) as long as we accepted that we had one hour before they needed the table. But an hour was fine for the buffet, we managed a starter round, main course round and then even a bit of dessert (including fruit!) and left before time.

Then onto the Music Hall for Eddie.  We were nearly two hours early, but after 15 minutes the doors opened and in we went.

Drinks, chatting, finding out seats and then we saw the big screens where all of the tweets to Eddie were displayed (OK, I admit it I sent one :p).  But not the best, there was a guy trying to chat up a girl using Twitter and the big screens which raised some laughs whilst we were waiting.  Very funny.

And then Eddie came out and did his thing.  90 minutes of laughing followed.  It wasn't his best work, he seemed to loose the thread occasionally, and was not as sharp as we have seen him in TV and on DVDs. But.  He was still side splitting funny.  If you like stand up, and you ever get the chance, go and see him!

We have a house guest coming in a few weeks, and another a week after that and so spring cleaning moved upstairs in earnest.  A deep clean of the bathroom (looks wonderful again) and even some time spend putting quite evil chemicals (in a mask for the fumes) on the grout to try and get it back to the normal colour.  It sort of worked :)

But it was a long day and a heavy day to do everything.

And then today.  Phew, this is a longer post than I had planned.

Today was the Hilversum City Run. I used to do it every year for the company I work for, but missed last year.  I was not yet ready for the world to see a sweaty, nauseated Stace at the end of the race (nor sporty Stace at the start, if I'm honest).

But, this year I decided to take part again.  Interestingly it through up an amount of people who have under estimated what I am going through about now. A few people have said "Ah, but you'll have such an advantage against the ladies."  I had to explain that, actually, no, I'll have a bit of a disadvantage (the Androcur means I have less testosterone than the women I am competing against and, yes, it does actually make a difference).  Again, Hohum.

This morning I was fine.  I got up and had some very poor coffees (the milk foamer has stopped making nice cappuccino for some reason :O ) and then showered and got ready.  And then I started to feel really sick.  I was going to go in front of thousands of spectators and run.  In my running gear (which lets face it is not exactly flattering).  And run 5 KM at my best pace.  And get sweaty and exhausted.  In front of thousands of people.

When I run during the week I am not in front of anyone looking at me.  And when I am done the only person who sees post workout Stace is Mrs Stace (and she knows ;p).  It was not sitting well!

But I did it!  Photo with the team (dreading how that looks!) and managed 30 seconds faster than my training times.  27:05 official time, 177 out of 755 people.

Not a bad end to the weekend!

But now MotoGP is going to start, and I have rambled enough!  Goodnight all!

Tired, down and garden shopping!

It's been a bit of a strange weekend.

Yesterday I started a new routine on the Xbox, a few minutes longer than the one I was already doing and more energetic as well.  Wow, it was hard!

After that we had a late Brunch as Mrs Stace's great aunt was 98 and we had a family party to go to.  We spent the afternoon with the extended family, trying to talk to her aunts, uncles and cousins (and me failing miserably - when you have lots of people talking over themselves my Dutch fails me completely!).

After 6 hours, and too many snacks, filter coffees and cokes we came home exhausted.  Dr Who, the qualifying for the Chinese GP and the first couple of episodes from Scott and Bailey that we recorded and we were ready for sleep.

And I was feeling really down for some reason (OK, the Vodkatini on less than a full stomach may not have helped!).

You see, I've been reading experiences of GRC online, either via Facebook or in blogs. I think that it's important to go into this with my eyes open, knowing the good, the bad and the painful.

The problem is that I am one of life's worriers. The effects of coming off of hormones for the weeks leading up to the operation don't fill me with 'woohoo'.  A 5 hour operation, a week in the hospital starting recovery.

The months leading up to full recovery. The pain, discomfort, not being able to lead my life.  Missing work for that length of time (my boss and HR have told me to stop thinking of this, that there are far more important things in life, but still it's a concern for me - how to make sure my projects don't stop because I do).

The anaesthetic. The pain. The weight gain (let's face it, that's going to happen - I'm not going to me hoping in front of the Xbox, or running 10km for a while, am I?).

In short, I'm terrified at the moment. It's all going to be temporary. The results will be more than worth it. The  reason for the op does not worry me at all, the sooner the better.  The op itself is what scares the hell out of me.  I don't know if this is normal, or an effect of having 5 very painful operations as a child and teenage which will probably be overshadowed by this one.

I'm feeling much better about it today, but the fear is still there, I'm just coping better :)

And then this morning...  I had a lie in (for me - nearly 8am before I was up!) watched the talking at the start of the GP whilst enjoying a couple of cappuccinos and then went for a run. All week today has been talked up by the weather men and so I was looking forward to it.

So I left the house, without a jacket for only the second time this year and looked at the cloudy, miserable sky and felt the cold wind.

Hmm...

But, after 500m I was warm again and actually really enjoying the run.  I managed to keep a good tempo, and a low(ish) heart rate for most of the run.  On Tuesday when I went running I had decided that I was going to do 9km about half way round.  That was in the evening when I had things I needed to do, today I had no such plans!  About half way round I decided I was going to manage 10! And I succeeded :)

The first 8.6km were done with a low heart rate, 145 to 150bpm, the last 1.6 were done at competition pace (165 to 170) just to see if I could :)

In total I spent 1 hour and 5 minutes running, and really enjoyed it :)  My competition is in 7 days time and whilst I am glad it's the only competition I do a year I am really looking forward to it!

Then this afternoon I was going through the flyers that we get every Sunday and actually found something good.  Garden furniture with 15% discount for this weekend only.  Our table and chairs in the garden are starting to look and feel like they have seen better days, so I thought it was good timing.  A new table, with glass top and 4 new chairs are now ordered and should be here in a few weeks.  Hopefully the real spring will arrive at the same time and we can enjoy them straight away.  Fingers crossed!

After the shopping strip I think the extra workout and the effects of last night caught up with me.  Whilst watching something I drifted in and out of sleep, waking in time to start making veggie lasagne for dinner (easy recipe - nothing spectacular this time ;p).

Don't worry about my low point last night, as the Dutch say 'het hoort erbij'. I'm fine, just a little scared.

Misty Weesp

Yesterday I had to take the car back to the garage for some work.  I managed to get there a little early and had some time from dropping the car off to being picked up by my colleague.  As the garage is on the outskirts of a small town and there was a light fog yesterday morning I decided to do some experimenting with my RX100.

Here are some of the results. I hope you like them half as much as I enjoyed trying to figure out the manual mode on the camera :)

I officially love the new Windows 8 installer

OK..  I've just tried to upgrade from Windows 7 to Windows 8.

Now I know that the machine I am trying to install it on is not totally compatible...  To the point where the Sony have told me the drivers are available, but they do not support Windows 8 on the machine.

Fine, I'm a techie, a tinkerer and I want Windows 8 (even without the touch screen!).  So I thought I'd give it a go today.

Back up the SSD (I'm not that insane!) to my server and hit the go button.

OK, there are three drivers that have to be unistalled before starting the process.   Fine.  They, the install process gets rid of them for you.

Hit the go button and inside 10 minutes it's done and Windows 8 is loading.

Unfortunately 40 minutes later it's still loading :)  I have a good idea what the problem was, so I have to have a go again on Sunday.

But that's not why I love it.

No.  I turned off the machine and thought, "right, let's see if the backup worked!" Restarted the machine and:

It looks like to windows installation was not successful, as your machine was OK before the installation this has been restored.

Brilliant!  A non destructive OS installer!

So typing this on my main computer, 5 minutes after a failed OS upgrade.

I never thought I would  be so happy after a failed upgrade :)

(And no, I don't count the Apple service pack installer as the same thing at all - I would not expect a windows service pack to kill a machine any more than an new "version" of OSX would kill my MacBook Pro ;p )

Memories

Not melancholic, but a happy flashback I had this week.

We (and by we I mean Mrs Stace) have spent some time recently spring cleaning the bedroom.  Trying to find space for all of our things, and trying to clear up the too many bits and bobs we have.

And so another clean out of the wardrobe has happened, really it should have been done last year when I transitioned, but at the time I just got rid of the clothes that were in the way so I had space for my new wardrobe.

A large pile of clothes, keep or throw out for each of them and they all went. I have enough DIY clothes and that is the only thing I would wear those for.

Except...

There are a few things that I just can't part with. And they all belong to my wedding outfit.

A suit, in a colour that I always swore I would never buy (but is actually really nice), the tie and shirt and the shoes that went with it (bought from a specialist shop in Amsterdam so they actually fitted).

And I just can't consider getting rid of any of them.  I've never worn the suit after the day, the shoes did get some use in dance lessons a few years ago - the leather soles were perfect for dancing, but obviously I have not worn them for a long time now.

And yet, they stay.  Categorically.  The memories of that day are still very fresh in my head. The only photo that we have of him the house is also one from the wedding day, and that stays too. I may not feel much connection with the man in the photo, but he looks so happy (and looks good - about the only picture where I would say that! Maybe that is also the memories working on me) and it can take me back instantly to when the photo was taken that I couldn't not see it all the time.

Happy days :)

How is it something as mundane as a pair of dusty shoes can do that to you?

Monday post - I wasn't expecting that!

Working my through through my normal Monday stuff and...

My phone rings.  I answer and it's the gender clinic.  They ask if I still want to see a plastic surgeon.

I say, "Yes.  Please."

They then asked if I wanted Amsterdam or Alkmaar for the surgeon.

Amsterdam please, it's much more convenient.

They are going to call next week with an appointment for the first consult.

And now I'm in shock.  My productivity is gone and I'm miles away.

This is great, this is also bloody scary.

And I wasn't expecting it yet.

Err...

Gulp.

That's smashed it!

A busy and fun week has flown by for me.  But I won't bore you too much with the details.

I have spent the week trying to work through the stress test results from last week to try and make them usable for the system.  A lot of work, and a lot of brain melting - but in the end we ended up with some useful data.

I've continued with the rewriting of the documentation for my new project.  It hard work, I'm  not a natural writer, but at least I have the opportunity to make sure that the project is mine, and ran how I feel it should be ran for the best results.  The business documentation is finished, reviewed and sent to the business for their comments before sending out to partners, and the technical documentation for the developers is coming along.

Oddly enough I find the technical documentation harder than the business, even though I can write it in English without having to worry about translating it to Dutch. I know what I want as a developer, and it's such a hard balance to strike. What is not enough information and where is information overload!

Still, it's got  me into the project in ways that I wasn't before.  Even if it has melted my brain! :)

And then there is the TFS migration.  Day two of the second migration and still it's not going as it should.  I see some hard discussions trying to get the machine to perform as it should.

But that's not smashed.  No...  That is something rather more annoying :)

We had a Scrum of Scrums this week- where all the Scrum Masters come together and discuss new ideas and issues so that we can all try to improve (both ourselves and our teams).

One of the things we decided to do this time was join each others daily stand ups, to get an idea how other teams do them, and to tell the Scrum Masters in those teams any improvement points that you can see as an outsider (it's always easier to see improvements from the outside).

So...  I was with one of the teams on Friday morning seeing how their team did their stand up, with my phone in my pocket.  My phone that had already hit the ash tray outside the entrance once causing the top of the screen to shatter in a way that it was still totally usable.

And then it wasn't in my pocket.  It was lying on the ground face down.  I have a feeling it bounced off of a table on the way down, as when I picked it up the screen had completely gone.  Whilst the factory screen protector kept it from falling apart it was no longer really usable as he edge of the screen was the epicentre and it spread 5mm or so into the screen before starting to thin out.  The the strands of the shatter went all the way around the screen.

So...  As much as I loved the phone it was time to look for a new one. An advantage of the TFS migration taking so long was that whilst there was not enough time in between doing stuff to start something new, there was enough to get some reviews on the screen.

Now... In the past I have done an iPhone, I've had two android phones.  And whilst I love my last phone I did not want to buy the same one again.  So.  Time to try a Windows 8 phone. I wanted the Nokia 920.  It has the same resolution screen as the Sony that died and is a nice looking phone.

I did notice, however, that the 820 (the "cheap" one) had the same hardware, except for the on board memory, screen and battery.  But it was an amount cheaper.  Choices.

I got to the shops and after waiting for a family to buy a phone (or not) by committee over 1/2 hour the sales woman came to help.  And, wow.  She really knew what she was talking about with the phones - and that fact that I am a techie as well seemed to go down well.  I've never had anyone so enthusiastic about selling me a phone before.  What the hardware differences were between the phones, her opinions on the price quality of the phones, what she liked and disliked and what she though would fit my needs best.

And at the end of the 20 minute talk, when I had a very good idea of what I needed she told me that she couldn't sell me the phone, as they had no Windows 8 phones in stock - but recommended a shop that could, seeing as my phone was about to die (she warned me of backing it up immediately whilst I could still use it).

I love it when a shop does that, they can't sell you something, but they still did their absolute best to help me.

I got to another shop and they had an 820 on display.  Yes the screen is definitely a lower quality, but the Windows OS, and the screen quality itself, made up for it and it was pleasant to  use.

So...  I'm now the proud owner of my first Windows phone. I know that it's less than 24 hours, but so far I love it.  Easily the best of the three OS's (although their are some glaring emissions that I hope will be solved in future updates).  Let's see whether I change my mind after owning it for an amount of time... :)