Sunday, 3 October 2010

Recovery... :)

Hmm, my muse seems to be on strike again.  All through the week I’ve known exactly what I wanted to put into the next post, and yet each time I actually had 5 minutes to get something down in Word I find that my head has emptied totally...

The last week has been an interesting one.  On one hand I’ve been coming down gently from my trip out last week.  On the other hand I’ve hit the ground with a bump.  A contradiction I know – but there is just no other way that I can put it.

I was a great night, followed by a terrible weekend – I’ve never been a person that can survive on little sleep, and staying up for 22 hours, followed by 4 hours sleep just does not make me a healthy person.  Lots of sleep, and zero alcohol managed to aid a decent level of recovery.

Work has been too busy – the stress of not knowing what to do next, as opposed the stress of just knowing that something has to be done.  I didn’t help that I was constantly being given conflicting information / instructions from management.  Too many people working on the same solution; Thursday was particularly bad with a one hour meeting that ended with senior management seeing that path forward and telling us what we should have been doing.  Turns out this path forward is what I and other techies have been saying for a few years...  So annoying.

But, I digress.  The bumps were something that I was semi-expecting, but had not seen coming in the first 48 hours or so.  Mrs Stace went with her mother to see Tosca on Tuesday evening (I’m so jealous about that – I’d love to see that live) and it ended very late.  So she stayed with her parents as they are closer to the opera house, and to where Mrs Stace works.  I went to my normal Tuesday appointment at my in laws and then came home to an empty house.  No panicking ala Ikea a couple of weeks ago, just an empty house.  I hate being away from Mrs Stace – I’m possibly a little to clingy in that respect.  Anyway, I sat down and watched some TV before going to bed – and that’s where it got a little bad.  There is a phrase that I’ve seen around in various blogs that just about hit the point perfectly.  Girl envy.  In one of the programs was an actress that had the hair I would love, and was wearing the fashion of my choice.  And that will never be me - I will never be able to pull that look off.  Even *if* I transitioned, a couple decades of the effects of testosterone, whilst not doing as much damage as they could, have certainly done enough...  There were tears and I didn’t go to bed particularly happily.

That has then been the pattern for the week really, still really happy about the night out.  But with patches of real envy throughout the week.

Here’s hoping the next week just keeps the more positive side of things :)  (Please don't get me wrong - it's been a good week, just with periods of being brought down with a bump, before bouncing back up)

Oh yes, one last thing. In reply to my last post there were a few interesting comments, and I think I’m going to answer them in more detail – but I’m going to make sure that I think about that reply and not quickly type something up. Eigenlijk that was the subject that I had in my head before the muse decided to depart me at the point where I could write something...


  1. I was choking up, read your last response. You are who you say you are! Don't ever let others dictate who or what you are!

    Melisaa XX

  2. Everybody is their own person, Stace and yes even my muse goes awl at times.
    Love Caroline (Mc1@Angels)

  3. Muses are fickle (and they apparently like to rollerskate).

    Oh, and I would be jealous of your Mrs. as well. Tosca is wonderful live. At the very least I know my wife would never go to the opera without me because I love the opera much more so than she does. We saw Das Rheingold over the summer and it was pretty amazing.

    Finally, I think the most difficult part of this for us is seeing other women and wishing we were like them in some respect. But this is not specific to us. The is what all women do. Heck, men do it to. Try not to beat yourself up over girl envy or worry what you will or wont be able to do. We have to be ourselves, skinny legs and all.



  4. Yes, girl envy and see also pink fog. They're not pleasant to sit through are they. Hopefully they will pass soon enough. I think that's all you can do... Sit tight and ride out them out. I'd say look at the things you do have, but that's easier said than done isn't it :-)

    I hope the next week is kinder to you.

  5. Big hugs, Stace..

    WE ALL get that envy.

    It's a combination of our GD AND....(bear this in mind) normal female envy of those who we believe have a better body than us....

    If I had a pound for every time I've heard my cis-gendered female friends say "I wish I had a body like that", I'd be fairly well off now.

    All part and parcel of being a woman, pet..:-)


  6. Melissa & Caroline: It's not someone else telling me what I can and can't be. It's me thinking what I can and can't pull off. Sometimes knowing (thinking?) what I can't pull off gets me down...

    Gin: We are talking about taking the next Italian trip to Verona and trying to get seats for an open air production. That would be something special - but we have to time everything right...

    Lynn: It passes, until the next time... The next time I have to catch myself before commenting on someones new boots and asking where they brought them. etc etc. I can see the positive side of life still don't worry.

    Chrissie: Thanks :) I appriciate that it's also normal female envy... It's just knowing that no matter how much I exercise, how much I eat healthily, my rib cage is always going to get in the way... And my hairline will always be that little bit too high... (I do know women with the same hairline, and I imagine they also have issues similar to mine about it)...

    Thanks all for the support - again :) I am still ina good place mainly. Looking forward to going to therapy again, and trying to figure out when I can make another trip out for a night...


  7. I know the girl-envy thing so well, Stace. It is with me constantly and often can result in often as yesterday...

    Take care.

    Calie xxx

  8. Speaking to my therapist he just pointed out that no matter what there will always be envy about somebody else's body. Whether you are a bloke looking at the likes of Gavin Hensen with is pecs, or a woman looking at Nicole Kidman. On top of that normaly people being envied by most people are not happy either.

    Of course that doesn't make it any easier...

    But at the moment I seem back n track.