Well I'm doing so much better this week than I was when I last posted. So much so I can't recognise how I felt then.
Is that bi-polar, or just a sign that I've started to come to terms with things?
Since my last post I have been dressed each evening it was possible to do so (Tuesdays / Wednesdays are out as we go out those days - but Thursday and Friday were both spent dressed). The difference in myself is amazing. I was trying to explain it to Jenny in an email and struggles somewhat. It's not that I relax when dressed, but that I feel like me and so the anxiety drops away somewhat. Even though the fears and worries about the future remain, and are just as strong the anxiety level makes the difference.
I was speaking to my boss about this yesterday - I had an update meeting with him to explain how things were going and that I had had a very tough time of it recently. He said he understood why being dressed did me so much good - there is a rather large picture of him in the hallway dressed as a hooker from a previous office fancy dress party. he said if you look at the photo you can tell he is not comfortable (to be fair neither would I be in that outfit) and it makes perfect sense that if you reverse the scenario to me that I am not comfortable wearing my daily clothes. He has a good insight that man I think. Better than me - I don't get how getting dressed can make such a difference.
Mrs Stace has been great with the dressing, I offered to remain in boy mode again last night, but she told me to change. And did my eyes again. I am not sure if she is getting used to it, but she is trying her hardest.
I asked her what made the change from not wanting me dressed a lot to advising it when possible. She said it was the suicidal thoughts. Slightly guilty feelings there as I did not tell her for that reason. But I can't deny it's helped.
The other thing that has helped is me accepting my situation. I was planning to go into therapy at the VU fighting transition at all costs. That is also where a lot of anxiety has been over the last few weeks. I've now decided that I have to go into it open minded. Not going in expecting transition, but not going in fighting it either. That has also removed a lot of anxiety. Introduced an amount of fear, but fear without anxiety if that makes any sense. I feel much more serene now.
There are logistical issues that go with the dressing each night. We live in a terrace house - overlooked on all sides. Ergo, if I am dressed we have to close the curtains. And when we forgot to pick milk up on Thursday and found out after I was dressed (and had makeup on) Mrs Stace was the one who needed to not only go and pick it up, but also take over my role of fighting the junk in the shed to get my bike out (her's is buried deeper). I would have happily got it for her but then my secret would have been more than a little out.
Another issue is panda eyes. I got up on Friday morning, had a shower and still had panda eyes from the mascara of the night before. I'm glad Mrs Stace was there to check when it was gone (the light in the mirror is not the best) otherwise I would have had some explaining to do...
Have a good weekend all - I'm off for my 18km skate now :). Just beleive me that I am doing better now.