Saturday, 24 April 2010

Doing better...

Well I'm doing so much better this week than I was when I last posted.  So much so I can't recognise how I felt then.

Is that bi-polar, or just a sign that I've started to come to terms with things?

Since my last post I have been dressed each evening it was possible to do so (Tuesdays / Wednesdays are out as we go out those days - but Thursday and Friday were both spent dressed).  The difference in myself is amazing.  I was trying to explain it to Jenny in an email and struggles somewhat.  It's not that I relax when dressed, but that I feel like me and so the anxiety drops away somewhat.  Even though the fears and worries about the future remain, and are just as strong the anxiety level makes the difference.

I was speaking to my boss about this yesterday - I had an update meeting with him to explain how things were going and that I had had a very tough time of it recently. He said he understood why being dressed did me so much good - there is a rather large picture of him in the hallway dressed as a hooker from a previous office fancy dress party.  he said if you look at the photo you can tell he is not comfortable (to be fair neither would I be in that outfit) and it makes perfect sense that if you reverse the scenario to me that I am not comfortable wearing my daily clothes.  He has a good insight that man I think.  Better than me - I don't get how getting dressed can make such a difference.

Mrs Stace has been great with the dressing, I offered to remain in boy mode again last night, but she told me to change.  And did my eyes again.  I am not sure if she is getting used to it, but she is trying her hardest.

I asked her what made the change from not wanting me dressed a lot to advising it when possible.  She said it was the suicidal thoughts.  Slightly guilty feelings there as I did not tell her for that reason. But I can't deny it's helped.

The other thing that has helped is me accepting my situation.  I was planning to go into therapy at the VU fighting transition at all costs.  That is also where a lot of anxiety has been over the last few weeks.  I've now decided that I have to go into it open minded.  Not going in expecting transition, but not going in fighting it either.  That has also removed a lot of anxiety.  Introduced an amount of fear, but fear without anxiety if that makes any sense.  I feel much more serene now.

There are logistical issues that go with the dressing each night.  We live in a terrace house - overlooked on all sides.  Ergo, if I am dressed we have to close the curtains.  And when we forgot to pick milk up on Thursday and found out after I was dressed (and had makeup on) Mrs Stace was the one who needed to not only go and pick it up, but also take over my role of fighting the junk in the shed to get my bike out (her's is buried deeper).  I would have happily got it for her but then my secret would have been more than a little out.

Another issue is panda eyes.  I got up on Friday morning, had a shower and still had panda eyes from the mascara of the night before.  I'm glad Mrs Stace was there to check when it was gone (the light in the mirror is not the best) otherwise I would have had some explaining to do...

Have a good weekend all - I'm off for my 18km skate now :).  Just beleive me that I am doing better now.


  1. Panda eyes? Hah, I might be silly but I've never heard it described like that before. Cute, I have panda eyes every single morning. Mascara applied right is one of those little things you can do that greatly accentuates your femininity.


  2. Regular face washing almost always leaves traces of eye makeup behind. Try using some eye makeup remover. A little on a cotton ball will take off that eye liner and mascara when you wash your makeup off before bed.

    Your wife is being very sweet in accommodating herself to your dressing, and even helping you do your makeup.

    Melissa XX

  3. I've given up on the "panda eyes," as you described them. Face it, I've already got long blonde-streaked hair, long fingernails, studs in both ears and thinly waxed eyebrows. The bottle of eye makeup remover that I bought is used for cleaning my brushes now.

    But it works really well when applied with a cotton ball and can be purchased at your nearby Walmart. In fact, you can keep it on the shelf right next your nail polish remover.


  4. Lori: I never know when saying things online what is a UK colloquialism, what is a Leicesterism (found that out when I went to University and spent my days amoung people who had grown up elswhere and didn't understand me :p) and what is actually English...

    At least panda eyes is an obvious one.

    I have to say I love mascara - it's quite discrete, but effective. And the only eye makeup that I can actually do at the moment :)

    Melissa: If we go to bed on time, or if I have eye shadow as well as mascara I try to clean my eyes before going to bed with make up remover. Which I have to admit is easier than doing it the folowing morning when it's dried out...

    Mrs Stace is great. She struggles sometimes, obviously, but she really is wonderful and tries so hard.

    Sofie Jean: The only signs I give in the office are my shaved arms (and legs that are visible when I go running) and the length of my nails.

    So far I have resisted the temptation to get my ears peiced and to trim my eyebrows too much...


  5. Hi Stace

    Glad to hear you're feeling a little better. My own experience of depression has taught me that when I'm low I can't imagine ever feeling different and when it passes I can't imagine ever feeling that low. It's a horrible thing to endure.

    Take good care of yourself


  6. Thanks Julia. I can totally agree with what you are saying there.

    By Friday I was wondering how on earth I could have been so low at the start of the week and could not remember how exactly it even felt.

    I'll try, you too.

  7. Sometimes a little non-male time is just what you need. Glad to hear that you're picking up and yes, I think your boss is very clued in (it speaks highly of him).

    As to panda eyes, as the others have said a good eye make-up remover can help - that or a hot shower :)

  8. Its great to see you feeling better. And I remember the release that being able to express myself more frequently gave.
    Your wife sounds like she is really trying.

  9. Thanks both.

    I do count myself extemely lucky with the way my direct boss and wife are dealing with this.

    What he said makes sense, and yet I still find it unbelievable that such a simple thing makes all that difference...