But will it help?

Warning: Outpouring ahead...

Yesterday I had my first therapy intake session.

An hour of going over the worst experiences of growing up. Of the humiliations of childhood and teenage years. Which came at me from all sides, home, school, and extended family. That have all tuck to this day - to the point where some of them still make me recoil when I think of them.

Being told from the age of 7 or 8 that I had to bury and fight my emotions. That showing them was a bad thing. That I was too emotional, a baby, and more than that: a cry baby.

Recounting how it feels when something happens now.

Learning that the feelings I have 90% of the day are panic attacks. For some strange reason knowing what they are actually makes it more scary.

Talking about being paralyzed with fear when a great opportunity turns up. Or any opportunity.

Currently I'm sitting having another attack. It's been ongoing since about 7:30 this morning - I'm typing this at 8:25.

I'm exhausted from yesterday, numb, wanting to curl up and cry my heart out, but being unable to have that release.

I'm exhausted because since I came out of the session I've been spending the time assuming that the therapist thinks I am faking it all. Along with the rest of the world.

I'll be fine. I'm sure that the numbness will drop away over time. And I am positive that I can't possibly have therapy without going through this. Not that that helps right now.

All of the above has nothing to do with the title of today's post.

Well, almost. I have two opportunities to get involved in things that I care about. Both of which will involve me doing something that will trigger my anxiety to their maximum levels.

And here the title is twofold.

Will pushing myself help my situation? Or will it simply reinforce the negative emotions that I have. Or will it do neither and leave my at my current position whilst still taking all of my energy just to stand still.

On the flip side, say I decide to take one or both opportunities. Would explaining my current situation help or hinder me? Hey, yes, I'd love to be involved (I really, really would, even though I know it will be hard work and scary - which only increases the stress of making the choice), but be aware this is ultra confrontational for me and there is a good chance that I am going to crack at some point and I will need someone to help pick up my slack at that point.

Saying that I want to help, but have limitations in what I can do.

But I feel that I cannot do that. That it's TMI. That people are going to say: oh, everyone has social anxiety, you'll be fine, just get over it (not that I have ever heard that in the past...)

Why should having a mental disorder be something that you have to keep quiet about. When I had the bone tumors removed from my hand a year ago it was obvious that there were things I could not do. That I would need help in certain tasks and that I had limitations.

You can't see my anxiety. The people who know that I am going to therapy have said that they would never have known how much I was struggling unless I had told them. My therapist said that he could see when I was getting emotional over my past, but when it came to the anxiety part I closed up and hid it - he wouldn't have known if I wasn't verbalizing it. And apparently that is normal - at least for people in my position it becomes normal, otherwise you cannot function in society. But you feel like you are going insane when you are doing it.

The fact that you can't see it means that to let people know you have to tell them.

Which in my head is translated to me yelling to the world how special I am. Even though it shouldn't feel like that, and it's not what I am doing, I hope - jeez, even I even do it to myself. And the circle begins again...