Sunday, 25 November 2012

If someone sees my self-confidence can you tell her I’ve been looking for her?

 I can’t wait for next week to start…

Considering how good my week has been in most respects, the only thing that I remember is how awful I have felt myself… And it’s not fun.

I am going to stick with blaming the extra testosterone for now I think, as it’s still the only change in my life in the last week, and I can imagine that it’s not a case of taking two tablets a day instantly going to back the old levels.  That the remaining testosterone has to be worked out of my system first.

So what was / is so wrong?  I have stopped feeling myself, and it has scared me terribly. I have been panicking again when leaving the house. I’ve started to feel that people are staring at me.

And, hopefully that is also the cause, I have lost myself in the mirror again. After being so happy at finding myself in the mirror losing it again was just plain scary.  It is, I am pleased to add, starting to come back again – I saw me when drying my hair after my shower this afternoon.

My concentration at work has been terrible this week as well.  The rush things where you don’t have time to think are fine, but as soon as they are done I am struggling to pick up the next thing on my list when it is not urgent.

Who would have thought that 50mg per day less androcur would cause so many problems?

After being tipped off for the documentary about the transsexual beauty queen that was on BBC I ended up seeing it yesterday.  And spent an hour choking back tears trying not to cry.  I failed.

You see whilst I have never wanted to take part in a beauty pageant – or breast augmentation – the rest of her story rang so true for me.  How I felt when I was 4 or 5.  How I felt when puberty hit and I knew what the outcome would be.  I started to wonder how different my life would have been if I had had the nerve to have said something to my parents when I was that age.  Actually, that has been on my mind a lot in the last week (also down to the testosterone maybe?).  Would I have loved to have grown up a girl and into a young woman?  Oh my, yes! Am I glad that I am at least the woman I need to be at 36? Again, oh my, yes! Would I be prepared to have forgone my life to date to have done it earlier?  No.  Really, really not.  But it is a paradox that has also had me in tears this week when I was discussing it with my mum on the phone.

The one sentence that really got me going is when she was in tears saying, “I just don’t want people to laugh at me.”  I well up typing it. Over the last week it’s been plaguing me again, it had stopped months ago, and it isn’t a welcome return as you can imagine. It’s something that really plagued me when I first stepped into the work as Stacy.  Hopefully it’s going to die down again now.

All in all though I was really impressed with the documentary.  For once I didn’t see the sensationalism UK documentary, I saw a fly on the wall documentary.  It’s a big difference between Holland and the UK – here most documentaries here are very fairly done, documenting the journey that a person is making.  Most of the ones that I see in the UK always seem to have an angle, and not just on transsexuals, but other subjects too.

Right, let’s try an end on something that is making me happy…

After about a month of exercise I am now up to 8.4km per run, and doing it at 9.4kmph. And running 5 times in two weeks. I used to do the 5km Hilversum run for the company I work for, this year I was not ready to be seen sweaty and disheveled by so many people so I didn’t take part.  I’m thinking that next year I may do the 10KM though.  If I am up to 8.4 now then by April I should be ready for a 10km competition J

That said today’s run was really hard, and I can’t say that I enjoyed most of it, but the satisfaction of getting to the end certainly made it worth it!  It was cold, grey, windy and miserable.  But with headphones on my ears (bringing triple benefits of music, audio coaching for the run and keeping my ears warm and out of the wind!) and with layers on to keep warm at the start I set off!

For most of the run the wind was tempered somewhat by the houses as I run through the neighborhood.  In fact the only road where the wind was channeled was behind me, and it meant that I had to try and stop myself being pushed forward too much.  But then at the end I ran past a lake and suddenly I’m being blown sideways, my feet are being blown into each other almost tripping me up.  Then, for the last stretch (had to be didn’t it) my heart beat was up to 166bpm and I was barely moving.  Each time both feet were off of the ground I stopped and almost went backwards.  I was so happy when I got home! J

Right, relax then time to make pizza!  Mrs Stace is going out with a fiend this evening and as they are in a bit of a rush we are making some pizzas for Sunday dinner.  One chicken pesto, one ham and mushroom and one creamy bacon!

Sorry for the randomness of the post, but it was actually great to write (and was the original reason for starting the blog!)

Hmm, I think I almost see someone who has been missing for a week now, hopefully she’s coming back to stay! J


  1. Congratulations on the running and my sympathies for the troubles. 50mg? Well, if 20mg (or 40mg) of citalopram can make a difference, why shouldn't the other? :-) Sometimes, I wonder if it's psychosomatic? But even if it is (in my case), if you're not feeling quite right, does it matter what the reason is? Big hugs anyway. <<>>

    > “I just don’t want people to laugh at me.”

    Laughing with, yes; at, no. I don't think anyone wants to be considered a fool or a laughingstock. Perhaps that is doubly true of folk who have changed their appearance to match who they are on the inside. That's not just trans folk, but rockers, goths, punks, tattoo folk or even high fashion types.

    I hope the paranoia fairy leaves quickly.

    1. Thanks, and thanks.

      I suppose that it was halving the previous amount. I had considered the psychosomatic aspect - in fact that's why I really didn't want to blame it.

      Laughing with :) That I can cope with, as long as it goes both ways, of course :) I work with a good group of people and there is a lot of (positive) joking that goes on. It happened on Thursday when one of them asked what was wrong, and it was needed!

      Thanks, me too! After working all day I can say it's starting to clear. Fingers crossed!