Friday, 23 September 2011

Tired, Drained and Terrified

But happy...

It's been a little quiet here the last few weeks as I have not been around - or near to an internet connection most of the time.  I spent the time travelling around Ireland and the UK, and of course passing through Belgium and France on the way there and back! All in all I think that we covered something approaching 6000km in two weeks and spent nearly 80 hours behind the wheel of the car. As comfortable as the V50 is that is still a long time :)

There is the tired...

But...  That's not the only reason for the title. Yesterday, about 15 hours after getting back home I had another appointment with my psychologist at the gender team. I arrived a little late - I could not quite get into gear yesterday morning and was late leaving home. At least that is what I thought. What actually happened is that I checked the time of the appointment when I was in the UK and my phone decided that as I was in a different time zone that all appointments should also be moved as well so I assumed that everything was one hour earlier than it actually was.

So I ended up doing a new thing for the first time.  I ate lunch on my own as Stacy, in a restaurant. I don't like eating on my own at the best of times...   So I went in, chose what turned out to be the end of worst table. I chose a table next to an open window to get some fresh air, the problem was that the wind did not blow that much but the sun did make it very hot through the windows that were not open.  Thankfully I had a few appointments with a bit of a gap in between so I had a book with me - always a good defence when eating on your own and I spent what was actually a rather nice 1/2 hour eating a nice fresh sandwich.

The appointment itself was very surprising.  I had no idea what was going to be discussed this time but...  I arrived and my therapist started to talk about the official diagnosis, and we went though the diagnosis questionnaire and her recommendation letter to the gender team.  Just like that... And so I have had my last appointment, the other appointments have been cancelled and I will only go back when I start on hormones.  I have to wait until 3rd November for the gender team to discuss my case, and have to call back on the 4th to hear the official diagnosis, which will then be sent to my via post as well.

So now I wait.  Or rather my therapist at the gender clinic has told me to start planning for the end of the year - when I plan to transition at work.  I said I would wait until I got the official diagnosis, but she says that should be a formality.

There is the drained - it was an emotionally tough couple of hours - especially on top of the tiredness.

So that's it, I plan to transition at work the week before Christmas.

And I am terrified...

(Which I think is a good thing!)


  1. I have been wondering where you have been ! That was quite a trip - another holiday ?

    I can well imagine the worried bit - I have often wondered how it would feel to be dressed at work. My dreams make it feel like I have all the eyes of a peacocks tail looking at me at the same time. From the accounts of others this is not the case - as usual the reality is a lot less dramatic - but wonderfully normal.

    You have said in the past that you don't view these forward steps as something to be overly celebrated. I will however say how very pleased I am for your happiness - so lovely to hear.

    Good luck with everything


  2. That is a long time to have to think about it and get over feeling terrified.

    All the Best Stace!

  3. Becca: I've been travelling around just a bit. A friend of mine was getting married in Dublin so we spent a couple of days there, followed by a couple of days in Northern Ireland, then a week in Scotland visiting my parents and finally a 2 night stop over in Leicester to see my parents. I'm exhausted just thinking about it :)

    I'm hoping that it goes as normally as possible. But... I am also one of life's worriers, and I can see all the possibilities in my head :)

    Celebrated? No. Maybe if I was single, but I am not the only one in this so I can't do that to Mrs Stace. But, yes I can be happy about it without the celebration.

    Halle: Thanks. It's a long time away - 3 months. But at the same time. 3 MONTHS!!! The last 21 months have flown by so fast I have no idea how I am going to be ready in time! :)


  4. I agree with the celebration thing. I can say from personal exprience that most of the time I feel more a since of 'finally'.

    Still it is nice to at least acknowledge that you have accomplished something and all the hard work to just get to be you is paying off.

    With that good luck! I gotta at least say that. :D

  5. ...80 hours behind the wheel..

    That's a long time to be driving - even if it was broken up.

    I'm with you on the eating on your own thing. Perhaps that explains why people - on their tod - bring a book or a mobile telephone with them.

    Last but not least, good luck with the transition at work!

  6. Stace
    First of all, let me just say *good luck*. As you know, I've been reading your blog for years, and, you know my history.
    Your profile says "closeted tgirl". This isn't about being "dressed at work", is it? Let me apologise for what I say next: this is about taking hormone medication that will quite probably cease any sexual relations with your wife. It will create additional challenges in your career, irrespective of how great your HR department are. And many other things, some really amazing ones! You will alternate between euphoria, guilt, hormonal vulnerability, and shame. And GRS will become a natural next step.
    Now, Stace, you know all of these things. Because we all do. Let me know if I can humbly help in any way, glad you had a fab holiday!

  7. Kelli: It's a milestone to check off, that's for sure. I think though that I lost the finally here just because it came as such a shock that this stage of the process is at an end - I was not expecting it for a two or three months. i wonder how long it is going to feel before I get the answer in November?

    Full time will be January, hormones will be sometime next early year (there are other things that have to be resolved first so I have put that on hold unfortunately)

    But getting there, and something else to check off of the list :)

    Thanks for the luck, I hope I don't need it...

    Lynn: Some of it was fine, some parts were a nightmare.

    The first day was *long*, Amsterdam to Calais is 3 or 4 hours. Then an hour for the train. Folkstone to Hollyhead on the other hand is a long, long way. I think that the trip was something like 12 hours in total and felt like it. You think that you are getting there at when you leave the M1 for the M6, until you realise that you are not halfway from the train to the hotel. I slept well that night!

    The book when eating is a godsend. I am not good at people watching, mainly because I don't like to be watched I suppose, and so something to take you far away is a must!

    And thanks!

    CFG: Firstly: Hi! It's been a while!

    Secondly, please don't apologise!

    The profile is probably (definately) out of date. I am closeted only to those people who do not need to know until I go full time to save myself problems before that time. I just don't know what to change it to, and don't really thinking about it. I guess I should take a look at it!

    It is not about dressing at work, it's about being me - but of course being me also involves dressing as I like dressing and not as I currently dress.

    The issues at home, at work and in the future of my career are always in the forefront of my head. And have been from the start.

    Forget about the sexual relations, as important as that is in a relationship it is not the *most* important thing. That is being close to my wife, and her being close to me. And me being Stacy is going to be more than a challenge to that.

    That my current job should be OK does not say anything about any future jobs.

    And these are the issues that we have been discussing with our therapists (well the relationship ones for her, both for me).

    I also know that the next 2 or 3 years are going to have a big mixture of wonderful moments, and awful moments intertwined. And there are going to times when I will feel truly terrible. I know that because I already have it. But as I have already had the happiness of not having to hide who I am I know it will be worth it.

    Thanks for thinking of me, and thanks for making sure that my feet are firmly on the ground!

    Can you help me? You bet! I'll send you a mail if you don't mind.


  8. Hi Stace,

    Recently I came across your blog and have read most of it by now.
    Congratulations on getting the diagnosis, even if hrt is a bit away, most of the waiting is over.

    Seems to me the gender team shortens the diagnostic process whenever they feel safe to do so. how many appointments did you have? I had 7 because there was a hiccup (also did a private route which blew up in my face at the end and got me fired from my job too).

    As for hormones, your libido does not necessesarily have to go away but does change and may need some stimulation.

    Anyway, good luck with the transition at work.

    greetings from Rotterdam,

  9. Hi Naomi,

    Thanks :)

    I had 5 diagnosis appointments in total (plus the 1 intake appointment in 2009). I think the most surprising point was that at the end of my previous appointment we arranged the appointments until the end of the year, which we have then cancelled this time.


  10. Hi Stace,

    Congrats on the diagnosis. One thing you wrote that really rings true for me, "it's about being me".

    That is so true and something I found myself saying so many times when seeing the doctors or counsellor.

    All the best


  11. Thanks Jo. Something that Lori writes 'Just be authentically you'. There is not much more you can do. I am still the same me on the inside. It's just being able to be the real me on the outside as well.


  12. pictures of the trip? I remember those wonderful pictures of you holiday in the Italian Alps (I think).

    Nice to see CFG's comments. She is the voice of experience and someone I respect highly.

    Also, I just noticed the new blog template. Don't see dates for the posts. Is that intentional?

    You have my support in your transition, for whatever good that may be.

    Calie xxx

  13. Hi Calie,

    I'm trying to think whether or not I have posted anything... There are pictures for the Spitfire in another post - but they are certainly not beautiful shots!

    I'll have to go through some of the ones I have - there are a couple that I love!

    Thanks for the support! It is very much appreciated!