Wednesday, 18 August 2010

A little better

Sorry for yesterday...  Thought I can't say how much it helped to get it out :)  The herbal tablets are doing their thing - let's see if I can keep an even keel for the time being.

I spent 20 mins yesterday in a meeting room in the dark with my back against the wall sitting on the ground hugging my knees and satring into space.  It helped.  I followed that with a very jovial lunch with my colleagues, everybody having a laugh and it being, all in all, pleasent.

I think I have managed to track down the chain of events that caused it...

The 'Monday' even I wrote about in a previous post was the start I think.  Bascically someone who I thought was supportive isn't.  He thinks he is, which actually makes what he said worse in my head.  We were talking about the previous Friday (the lunch with my 'abomination' colleague) and he said, 'screw it!  Be yourself and don't give a crap what anyone says to you.'  So far so good.  This was then followed with, 'I gurantee you the first time I see I am going to be laughing so hard, there's too much history between us and when the last person I knew who transitioned did so I still thought about him as the same guy afterwards.  You just have to ignore people.'

Great.  Not supportive and I am a laughing stock.

That's stuck in my head since.  On top of that I have three more days left then I'm off for a couple of weeks.  I have a list of 25 things that I want done before I leave, and it's not getting shorter.  People keep coming and adding to the list, changing the priorities of the list etc etc.

And on top of that at home I'm trying to get all of my machines backed up and it seems the 2TB I have as USB storage just is not enough.

And then...  I got changed on Monday and totally screwed myself over.  I have a dress that I got last year.  I don't wear it too often as it's a little too big for me these days.  It was a disaster. My hair and make up did not go right, the dress looks terrible (I should never have decided to try it again) and all in all I hated the result which killed off what little confidence I had left at the time. There is one thing I try not to do and that is look like a bloke in a dress.  Most of the time I think I just about make it.  Monday absolutely not.  So now I am a paranoid bloke in a dress, who's a laughing stock with everyone talking pointing and gigling behind my back (OK I don't know about the last part of the sentence, that's where the paranoid come in).

I had a talk with Mrs Stace about it last night in bed, it helped a little.  But not a lot.  I think tonight I may try to make up for Monday night by picking one of the outfits I love, but takes a little longer to change into (I wanted to get on with cooking and backing up the computers so I went for speed of getting ready over doing it right - mistake apparently) and see if I can bounce a little.

Wish me luck...


  1. Good luck, then!

    I wonder... there was a time when there was a gulf between where and what I was, and where and what I wanted to be. And every now and then I'd get into a horrid funk about it all. I imagine that where you're at at the moment is where that gulf is at its widest. It gets better. Is all. :-)

  2. I have a feeling that guy did not intend what he said to come out that way, but it certainly sounds unsupportive. I don't blame you for being upset at that. I would be too.

    And man, I know just what you mean about making a poor clothing choice and how that just undercuts your confidence. I've done that more than once. It's something most of us probably go through, and the only thing we can do is learn from it.

    Too bad your company allows people to just pile things on top of you and change priorities on the fly. This does not sound like "best practices" to me.

    I hope your time off allows you to feel refreshed!


  3. Mrs. J is sitting alongside me as I read this. She would like me to point out that there is no more female experience than that of having your confidence shot all to hell by putting on an outfit in which you previously felt good, only to discover that it no longer flatters you. You start to wonder if it ever did flatter you and whether in fact all along people have been sniggering at you while you have been wearing it. She has had this happen to her and sympathises completely. It probably has much more to do with the state of your confidence at the time than the flattering nature of the outfit.

    So, in a nutshell, try not to let it get to you, it's a girl thing!

    I trust you're feeling better for another day passing.

  4. Oh no, you just reminded me... an outfit I felt v happy with, and then saw a photo of me in it and though OH NO, and it was straight into the charity shop bag. At least you didn't get as far as the door...

  5. Dru: Monday it was terrible. Last night it was so much better (not great, but much better). My head hit the pillow and I wsa off, where as Monday and Tuesday I was starting at walls for some time. Here's to when it really gets better :)

    Thankfully I got the dress before I started leaving the house. As I have lost a stone or so this year I've only worn new outfits when leaving the house, and leave the others for pottering around in home. I think I may leave the dress off altogether though. Shame about the waste of money, good job it was only a H&M dress though and nothing expensive.

    Veronica: I agree, I really think that he was trying to help and just doesn't realise how much it hurt.

    I've decided no more dresses. I love the look of them, but they never seem to be so nice on as when looking at them. A nice fitted jacket on the other hand seems to look good. Just a shame that they are so warm at this time of year...

    I think there is possibly a little growing needed on my part. I have just found out that one of our devs is quite happy my boss is on vacation as his interuptions have dropped off. Me (pretty much replacing my boss for the three weeks) have been buried - seems I have to learn to delegate some stuff. Down to 10 items now (the list grew to 32). I should be able to get the important ones done before I leave tomorrow.

    Jenny: Please give your thanks to Mrs J for me - That was lovely to read :)

    Each day that passes I get a little better. No happy pills since yesterday morning ;)


  6. Nothing to add, but I loved all of the comments.

    I'm glad things are a bit better, girl.

    Calie xxx