A little better

Sorry for yesterday...  Thought I can't say how much it helped to get it out :)  The herbal tablets are doing their thing - let's see if I can keep an even keel for the time being.

I spent 20 mins yesterday in a meeting room in the dark with my back against the wall sitting on the ground hugging my knees and satring into space.  It helped.  I followed that with a very jovial lunch with my colleagues, everybody having a laugh and it being, all in all, pleasent.

I think I have managed to track down the chain of events that caused it...

The 'Monday' even I wrote about in a previous post was the start I think.  Bascically someone who I thought was supportive isn't.  He thinks he is, which actually makes what he said worse in my head.  We were talking about the previous Friday (the lunch with my 'abomination' colleague) and he said, 'screw it!  Be yourself and don't give a crap what anyone says to you.'  So far so good.  This was then followed with, 'I gurantee you the first time I see I am going to be laughing so hard, there's too much history between us and when the last person I knew who transitioned did so I still thought about him as the same guy afterwards.  You just have to ignore people.'

Great.  Not supportive and I am a laughing stock.

That's stuck in my head since.  On top of that I have three more days left then I'm off for a couple of weeks.  I have a list of 25 things that I want done before I leave, and it's not getting shorter.  People keep coming and adding to the list, changing the priorities of the list etc etc.

And on top of that at home I'm trying to get all of my machines backed up and it seems the 2TB I have as USB storage just is not enough.

And then...  I got changed on Monday and totally screwed myself over.  I have a dress that I got last year.  I don't wear it too often as it's a little too big for me these days.  It was a disaster. My hair and make up did not go right, the dress looks terrible (I should never have decided to try it again) and all in all I hated the result which killed off what little confidence I had left at the time. There is one thing I try not to do and that is look like a bloke in a dress.  Most of the time I think I just about make it.  Monday absolutely not.  So now I am a paranoid bloke in a dress, who's a laughing stock with everyone talking pointing and gigling behind my back (OK I don't know about the last part of the sentence, that's where the paranoid come in).

I had a talk with Mrs Stace about it last night in bed, it helped a little.  But not a lot.  I think tonight I may try to make up for Monday night by picking one of the outfits I love, but takes a little longer to change into (I wanted to get on with cooking and backing up the computers so I went for speed of getting ready over doing it right - mistake apparently) and see if I can bounce a little.

Wish me luck...