Friday, 20 June 2014

Scary realisation

This is a bit of an emotional post, it may ramble. Sorry.

Something happened this week that has made me realise I have been answering questions a little wrong over the course of my transition.

The little guy is fine (actually, more than fine - he is wonderful :D )

And there is nothing to worry about, so please don't get too concerned.

Something happened yesterday at work that has totally thrown me. Totally. Nothing to do with the transition (I hope), but something that has made me really start to question things.

This caused me a huge amount of stress, and a few tears and a lot of anger. Not things that I am wonderful at boxing in.

I was shattered yesterday from it all,, and could barely stay awake before going to bed.

In bed was a different thing, I couldn't sleep, yoga breathing techniques were doing nothing to help and I was just in free fall.

And then I bit my finger very hard.

And then I started to think if that is a normal thing.

It's not really is it?

This morning I have done some searching and it does seem to be classed as self-harming. Which is something that I have always said I didn't do. Turns out I did - I have often done this to my arm and fingers before starting the transition as a way of coping.

Not that I wanted to punish myself, or that I felt I deserve pain, but more because it just took my mind off of everything else.

I only really thought about it last night when I did it and realised that I had not done it in years.

I'm expecting a call from my boss today (he called earlier, but I was changing the little guy and so couldn't answer the phone). We'll see what he says...

Update: had the call, made things worse :(


  1. Hope you are feeling better, I hate when my insomnia kicks in.



  2. This must be stress related. Work, transition, parenthood? I hope you get some sleep and worried that the boss made it worst.


  3. Hope things get better soon,sleep and work-wise.


  4. Let's hope it's just a bump along a normally smooth road. Don't fret too much. <3 Looking after a baby is incredibly stressful and that's before you chuck sleep deprivation into the mix. Look after yourself and we'll think happy thoughts your way. :-)

  5. So wonderful your little guy is well.

    You are noticing not ignoring this stress reaction. The awareness means something doesn't it Stace?

    As Lynn says, sending positive thoughts your way.

  6. Your comment about yoga Stace... We were sitting down to supper in our screened porch and the sun was getting low filtered through the trees. A green glow infused our view and a doe and faun passed by, grazing. I thought of you. No idea what is going on there, but it was you and your little one I thought of.

  7. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I am sending warm wishes your way as you read this.

    If it helps, I did something similar before transitioning: I would slap myself in the face. Hard. In fact, as hard as I could. Over and over, until my face, and hands, were numb. I wrote a post once about one instance of this behavior, and the consequences of it:

    It's a bit intense, so you may want to read it when you're feeling better (assuming you want to read it all, of course! :D).

    Looking back, it wasn't really about harming myself. I was in such turmoil, and experiencing so much pain and terror that I didn't really understand (but that I knew I could never tell anyone about), that I did it just to cope.

    I no longer do this, thankfully. I found writing and talking about those feelings helped, and helps, enormously. So you are on the right track, hon. Of course. Because girls are super-smart!!!

    Be well, Stace, and PLEASE be good to yourself, OK? I'll be thinking of you.

    Lots and lots of love,

  8. Thanks for the kind words all. The sleep issue (and the bouts of IBS that I have been suffering over the last week or so) are direct results of stress from work. The problem is that the stress from that leads to self confidence suffering - which leads to transition stress that I thought I was over.

    The little guy on the other hand is helping a great deal. You are depressed, look at him, you are upset give him a cuddle. He even lets us sleep (11:30 until 8:15 last night). Of course on Friday he picked up on my mood and was really unsettled the whole day (don't cry in front of your 18 week old baby - he hates it...)


  9. You've got a lot on,haven't you.

    I honestly don't think some people consider the effect of their actions on others.

    1. An amount, but it could always be worse. On the bright side I came into work on Monday and the work I had to do, plus the people I had to do it with, made for a very enjoyable day (and week) despite the stress from job, but not work related stress.

      And the Little Guy always makes it better :)


  10. Glad to hear it, Stace.

    I promise I will reply shortly. It was a long, intense week here as well. But the worst is past (I hope!). :c)

    == Cass