Sunday 8 November 2015

Wall to Wall Stuff

When I started this blog all back in 2009 I was in a very bad place in my head. I had had one panic attack that cost me a week of my life as I recovered from the Valium which was given to me to calm down and several close calls. The blog was cathartic for me and I was adding new entries as I needed - mostly weekly, sometimes a couple of times a week. Thanks to there already being a Susan Cashmore with a Gmail account I landed on Stacy, I still don't know why that was my second choice. With the exception of not wanting to change my initials there were no real thoughts behind my choices.

At the time I had a kind of insomnia, sleep would take some time to come, and I would wake early - sometimes I would wake an hour or more before my 5:30 alarm went off. When this happened at the weekend I would come downstairs, pick a film from the cabinet and write whatever was going through my mind whilst drinking coffee.

Obviously at the end of that year everything went totally pear shaped, or at least that is how I viewed it at the time. On 6th December I was on the verge of another panic attack and everything came out to Mrs Stace and we spent the night talking. She made me go to see the doctor for the referral to the gender clinic, and I assumed that I had lost her.

For the next year we pretty much put our life in hold whilst we waited to see what we were going to do with ourselves. I told my parents (in the middle of another panic attack - happy new year mum and dad!) and Mrs Stace told her family (who didn't disown me...) and we sort of ticked over.

I started seeing my therapist, who I continued to see until earlier this year, and was adamant that my preferred outcome was to find a way to live with this without transitioning. Obviously that worked well.

The second visit was my first outing as Stacy. I will never forget just how terrified I was, not how great it was to be out and about as me.

In the summer of 2011 I came to the conclusion that I it wasn't going to be an option and I started preparing for the seriously scary idea of becoming Stace in day to day life.

On the morning of 11th December I told my team what was going to happen the following day, then the department and finally the whole company was told. Being a somewhat small company that seemed to be the best way to do it. I got almost nothing but understanding and kind words from the many people who came to see me over the day to talk about it.

And then on the 12th I turned up as Stacy. I was shaking like a leaf when I got there and was waiting for lots of strange stares - that thankfully never happened. I was pleased to hear that there were people who had decided to look out for me when they heard the news: if I came in and they thought that I needed help with clothes / makeup that they would step in to help. Which whilst it could come across the wrong way was really not how it was meant. Even better: they never did :)

As time went on I started to just be me. Not worrying about what other people thought, and not constantly assuming the worst. Life started to get easier, sure there were the standard life problems. As lots of people have written before: transitioning does not magically make life perfect. But it does remove one major issue from it allowing you to concentrate on what life should be.

We tried for a child, and were lucky enough to get a beautiful boy who gives us smiles every day (along with grey hairs!) and watching him grow up is just beyond special.

And now? Well I am busy living my life, and whilst I won't say that life is perfect, or that I have no remaining issues from my GID, it's ticking along OK.

And so... I think that this is the close of my GID blog. It makes me said to say it but as Kermit once said: Life is made up of meetings and partings. I will never forget those people who I met online due to the blog. I would like to say a big thank you to you all!

Will the blog continue, who knows. I expect so. I have not posted that much recently as I have not put the time into it. I have other commitments and I no longer wake up at 5am at the weekends. However, I do really miss it. But what will it become? Who knows. Do I want to mix the transition blog with life, or whatever else I choose to blog about? Who knows. Not me that is for sure!

I have never been very good at crusading for a cause, I prefer to live out of the limelight and so generally keep quiet. Something I do feel quite guilty about because it means I keep this blog and my life separate.

So... There will be another blog coming for non gender musings (walltowallstuff.wordpress.com, though it is empty right now) and for those who are interested in software development my professional blog (stacycashmore.wordpress.com) is still going, though not updated as often as I would like to... Though I plan on cross posting some of the entries here, I am not sure how often I will manage to do that.

The posts from the last few years will remain here. As much for my reminiscing of the good times (and bad) as for the fact that reading the blogs of others helped me amazingly during my journey and I would like to hope that this may do that for others.

Look after yourselves, and I will endeavor to do the same,
Stace

17 comments:

  1. This chapter is at a close, and the those stories are well under way. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom. I'll definitely keep an eye on the other two blogs.

    Lynn x

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    1. Thanks Lynn - it was really sad to type the post, but I think the time was right. I'm going to pop in occasionally to let the world know that I am still around and do small diary type updates. The problem is that my life is so boring right now - in a good way - that there just isn't enough material to make new entries very often. Nor time to do it!.

      Stace

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  2. How strange to stumble across your farewell post. Like so many who crossed my path I often wonder where life took them, i still remember that post about your first outing and the few terrifying metres from car to office, how wondrous a change we can perform. I too kept T life and real life separated and miss the blogging. Now I just live a quiet life and have little to say...

    A child with two mothers is a very lucky child, hope the grey hairs come in slowly.

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    1. It's such a strange thing to think that a lot of the people who know me best are people that I have never met in person!

      When I think back to the difference between then and now it's hard to imagine. The fear of going out and forcing myself to walk with confidence vs just simply walking down the street without thinking about it. Though, that said the confidence that I get from my red swing dress (see the post for my birthday) is amazing - I walk as a totally different person when I am wearing that!

      At the moment he doesn't know any different and is just so happy. I only hope that when he (and of course his class mates) get old enough to realise that he is in a different family unit that it is not too hard for him! Until then we will continue to spoil him rotten, whilst making sure that he isn't spoilt from it! :)

      Stace

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  3. Blimey. Well done I guess, you found the Better Than Life exit, a "Game over" screen will now flash up in front of you.

    My timeline started in a similar place at a similar time. Different path, different situation. I've evolved to a point of not separating identities so I guess I am less likely to make a post like this one. I've become bad at following blogs since Google closed their excellent Google Reader service so I really ought to look for a decent RSS aggregator and make your new one one of my follows.

    Anyway, keep in touch!

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    1. Love the reference! I guess that Bedford Falls is long gone and real life is calling.

      I really do admire you for keeping both sides of your life together and, like I said, feel guilty for not being able to do that.

      As for a decent reader, maybe I can help you there! For a while now I have been using feedly.com. You can organise your feeds there quite easily and so far it has worked really well for me. There is a web interface as well as an app for iOS and Android (no idea about Windows phone I'm afraid).

      And of course I'll be keeping in touch - you need to know how the Spit ends up (I just ordered the race engine for it and am having the carbs refurbished and painted to match the car right now - it should be amazing when done!)

      Stace

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  4. Infinite curses on google for pulling that most excellent service, I doubt that my life would be where it is now without it and it would not be so devoid of blog content as it is if it still existed. If you find a decent replacement please let me know.

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  5. Going to steal a quote .......And now? Well I am busy living my life, and whilst I won't say that life is perfect, or that I have no remaining issues from my GID, it's ticking along OK.
    Kind of sums up how I feel these days. Wish life had been different from the start but it wasn't and I had to deal with it. Seems to me that you dealt with it pretty well and pleased to read that your life is mostly about other things, not the thing that crippled many of us for years.

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    1. And now? Well, I hope a happy and fruitful life! Learning how to raise a two year old (and then three, four etc. :p ), and watching him develop into his own person. The process is amazing.

      Getting along with life with Mrs Stace. It's not easy, especially for her, but we are coping and still enjoying each others company. I know enough couples that struggle with that after 15 years without the extra strain my GID put on our relationship.

      Getting the spit back on the road and taking my dad for a road trip whilst he can still enjoy it! And spending as much time with him and my mum as distance and work commitments allows.

      Trying not to get stuck in the 'what if' loop. Because it's pointless, and only leads to bad places. Because what if? Well, I may have turned out to have been a less bullied confident woman. Or not, I could have been miserable. I'll never know! What I do know is that I probably would not be living in the Netherlands with a wonderful wife and a charming child (you see what I did there :p). And as much as I would have loved to have had a 'normal' life without GID, the cost of that would be losing the two dearest people in the world to me. And that is just not worth it!

      I'm really pleased that you are also in a great place, let's look to the future and attack it full of vigor!

      Stace

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  6. I just start crying when I read posts like this one. I'm happy for you yet I feel like I've gone absolutely nowhere and still suffer. We've exchanged lots of emails over the years, Stace. I'll miss your posts and your support.

    Calie

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    1. Calie, I would not be where Iam now without your help and I will always be indebted to you for that. If there is a regret that I have it is that there is too much distance (and too many planes, gulp!) involved in seeing the people that I have met along the way.

      With the work that you have done on T-Central with the other moderators and the friendship that you have extended to those online I would say that you should be *very* proud of where you have gone over those years.

      And, please, keep in touch (do you still have my mail address?)

      Your friend,
      Stace

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  7. Wall to wall best wishes for continued 'OK ticking' of your life.

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    1. Thanks Ellena, if it keeps going as now then I'll be very happy! (then again little dude isn't a teenager yet, that may turn out to be fun!)

      Stace

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  8. I do hope that you post from time to time whether here or on your other blogs. It will be nice to know how your doing. I know that you are in touch with Cass so I'll try and remember to check in with her to see how things are going.
    Ticking along isn't a bad way to have your life going because it gives a chance to pause and catch your breath for when times get interesting.

    Take care of yourself

    Hugs

    Jen x

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    1. I fully intend to post a few things (actually, there should be a baking post and maybe a dress post that I will be cross posting to here soon). And in fact, I'm about to write a very quick post today :)

      Stace

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    2. Does the baking post include a recipe :-)

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