A day later, a slightly different world

(Apologies to Jenny - this is basically an expanded version of the mail I sent to you yesterday...)

As I posted yesterday I met with my boss, my ex-boss and the woman from HR.  It was something that scared me immensely - almost as much as telling family in fact.  I guess that having an income and a job I really enjoy is also really important...

I spent most of the day wanting to be sick and struggling to concentrate on my work (and either the cold is making a comeback or the stress has started to really get into my throat).  The throat is still there, and I am shattered - whether it is as a result of the stress or an actual cold I am not sure...

I got changed after work, something that took more time than normal - as it was hot and I was stressed things did not go quite as they should.  But after spending too long, and using too much hair spray, my hair was something approaching what it should be.  I know I sound really vain, but having good hair and make-up gives such a massive boost to my confidence still. I wonder when I won't need it as much and I can be up and out in a similar time to Mrs Stace in the mornings (she takes less time than me as him, let alone Stacy and still looks amazing!)

Then when I left I found out that there was a vehicle fire on the motorway and I needed to take a back road detour - what can I say thank god for a friend who pointed me in the right direction to start with and the SatNav which took me the rest of the way.

I got there, went inside and got the table that I had reserved and sat to wait - I have to say it was so great to walk into a place and say 'Hi, I have a table reserved for four people, in the name of Stacy'; and to get no strange looks at the same time it was a bit of icing on the cake.  It wasn't long before my ex boss turned up, he is on vacation today (he leaves for Italy tomorrow) but wanted to come to the meeting as well, after all he has been involved in this now for nearly 18 months.

He commented that it was a little strange in that we have known each other for more than 5 years and it was still me, but it was also meeting me for the first time.  We got chatting about various things when the HR woman turned up.  "You look so different than the image I have in my head, and I mean that in the best possible way!"  I'll take that as a compliment.  I know that she was concerned about meeting me, I had kind of assumed that was going to be part of the problem - the other being that there was no agenda or real aim for the meeting besides introducing Stacy to them.  She did say that she knew I had told her that I was not a drag queen, but a more out there image was still making its way into her head.  I won't blame her for that.

My current boss was late, something last minute happened in the office so he was a few mins late leaving.  He got there, and basically said the same as the HR woman.

We discussed plans for the new year (the point that I expect to transition) and where we expected the problems to come from.  We are an open company, and I think that it will not be a problem per say, but you never know.

As my boss said, the company is responsible for my well-being in the office and obviously they will make sure that I do not suffer any crap from anyone (not his wording, but close enough).  His concern is from people within my team - where the same rule applies obviously - should someone not take kindly to it and refuse to be led by me.  They will be told in no uncertain terms should that happen - but it's not good for my standing as team lead for someone to have to step in.  Hopefully it will not come to that.

At this point I got a wonderful compliment from the HR woman.  In the week between the company being told and me returning to work there are likely to be many discussions (obviously) but seeing as how I look she doesn’t expect any the moment I return to work.  That was very nice to hear, from both view points.

We discussed how to let the full management team know, and how we should tackle it.  Whether to tell them a day before it goes public - or whether to tell them before hand.  Or tell them with the rest of the company.  I think that I am going to take this up with my therapist as I really am not sure.  I do not expect any issues from them though.

The HR woman also asked who did my hair and make up now.  I said that I did everything myself (except cutting it obviously) - 'Wow, oh well done - you do a great job!'  I think I may have been smiling at that point.

After that it was more a discussion about this that and the other.  All in all a nice couple of hours spent in what would be the equivalent of an beer garden in England overlooking the Dutch countryside.

On the way home I was stuck in the traffic jam caused by the lorry fire earlier in the day - it had completely burnt out and damaged the asphalt, so they had to close down most of the motorway and it caused a 8km 1 hour traffic jam.  Whilst I was stuck I called my parents and had a quick chat.  My mum was happy with how everything went and asked me an interesting question.  Given what everyone who has met Stacy has said, at what point am I going to believe it and stop stressing before going out???

The perfect compliments (and a couple of very nice ones!)

There are a few people who I work with that I consider friends as well as colleagues.  Some of these also know about Stacy and have been very supportive over the last 12 months.  I have one colleague who lets me use his flat whenever I need to get changed after work – as I have a real loathing of getting changed at my destination.  I have another one whose wife brought me a selection of makeup back from Mexico and has given me a lot of tips on how to apply it, and links to online tutorials to help hone my skills.

He said that he would like to meet Stacy, and I certainly have nothing against it so we arranged for me to go there for a meal this week.

I had my choice of outfit ready (actually I got the combination as a complete accident due to removing the skin from my shin when changing to the oil on the R6 a few weeks ago and not wanting to wear translucent, skin coloured tights whilst they were red and scabby – but it’s now one of my favourites), got ready after work at my other friends flat and went looking for their house.

I had a fantastic evening, chatting about this that and the other.  A bit of techy chat, a lot of girly chat with his wife (which completely eluded him, sorry for that!) and a lovely, real Mexican meal.  Well almost real – they had ran out of chillies so it was not hot, which is fine by me…

The compliments?

When I first walked in “Wow, if I didn’t know you I wouldn’t have known”.  What more could a girl ask for?  Seeing as I have never enjoyed being the centre of attention it is nice that I don’t stand out…

Then towards the end of the evening I asked how he was coping – he said he was little in shock and speechless when I first arrived.  But that after a while it just became natural talking to me.

Again, that just puts me so at ease – I am just me, I don’t think about how I should be acting when I’m out as Stace (after all having another façade would not help matters any) so it’s nice that someone else sees that I am just me, with no airs.

I got a nice compliment from his wife too – “You’re so pretty!” Whilst that is not as important to me as the first two (I’ve never thought of myself as good looking either in male clothes or as Stacy) it’s always nice to hear.  With my next appointment at the VU next week, and planning on taking public transport for the first time, all three compliments were a wonderful confidence booster :)

Oh, and she noticed that I have lost a lot of weight :)  That’s always nice to hear as well!

And of course the thing that had to go wrong…  His wife complimented me on how well I walked on heels and asked if I had trouble learning (I was in Mrs Stace’s 8cm heels).  I said no, not really I just started walking in them.

And then nearly fell down the stairs outside of their front door when leaving and bounced off of a wall.  Nothing hurt, except maybe my pride a little :) 

A busy day

Mrs Stace managed to make a liar of me this week, in a very good way I’ll add.

On Wednesday I answered a comment from Melissa that Mrs Stace was not ready to go out with Stace just yet, that she had to go at her own pace and that I was not going to push matters.

Well that all changed that evening over food.  We had already planned to go shopping that weekend, Mrs Stace wants some new trousers and I need a new outfit.  Over dinner Mrs Stace said that she had been thinking that it was time to bite the bullet and go shopping with Stace instead of male me.

So Saturday came, I went running – with a lot of pain in my jaw still :( - and got ready as Stace.  I had a bit of confidence crisis, resulting in me putting on too much make up as I was convinced what remained of my moustache was showing through the foundation like a beacon.  Mrs Stace told me that there was nothing showing, and that I was panicking for no reason.  I think that both of us were getting a little worked at the point of leaving, it was a big step for both of us; the first time out with me as Stace for her, and the first time in a really busy place for me.

The first job of the day was to find out where everything was (as we had not been to that shopping centre before and find somewhere to eat.  I actually felt pretty good, once out of the car.  When parking and changing from my driving shoes into my boots I was a bag of nerves (just what you need when parking in a narrow, busy multi storey car park!), but once I stepped out the car it was too late to panic.  Walking through the shopping centre I actually felt pretty OK.  There were no obvious looks, or following glances.  We found the shops that we wanted to look at and went to a department store to eat.  We had a chat and some lovely sandwiches – salmon for me and ham for Mrs Stace – and sat for a while before starting to shop.

Or almost starting to shop – first up I needed a bathroom break.  I was really hoping to avoid this; it is one thing to need a bathroom break in a nearly empty café at the end of the evening but in a busy department store and having to queue before going in.  In the end it was worrying about nothing, no looks, and no comments – just a pleasant attendant taking my money.  So the hurdle jumped time to start shopping in earnest.

I found an Esprit trench coat for spring in beige – and actually trying that on in the shop made me feel amazing self-conscious.  I don’t know why but I suddenly felt on display – I tried to hide it and carry on regardless.  Mrs Stace also seemed to struggle at this point – though she could not say why.  I loved the coat, and but cannot fathom why sizes vary so much.  When I was looking for a winter coat I had to go for an XL (though Mrs Stace says there is no way that it is XL).  The tops I buy are M, and skirts and trousers are 36/38.

And then I buy a coat that is 40, as the 42 buried me.  I have a suggestion for the fashion industry…  Why not make a range of standardised sizes so that when out shopping it is easy to find the size you are looking for by picking up an article that is the same as your normal size so you have some idea of how it is going to fit.  We looked around some more – Mrs Stace picked up some trousers and a nice top and we went to the changing rooms.  Oddly enough in Holland this is a non-issue as they are mixed anyway so there were no nerves here.

She didn’t like what she had picked when on so she went to put them back and I went to pay for the coat (another nervous hurdle jumped!) and we went to look in other shops.

We browsed through some other shops and ended up at We.  There things went a little wrong for me (my fault, I was a little stupid).  We had picked up an amount of things and I then found a lovely skirt.  The problem was that it was the skirt to a jacket that Mrs Stace brought last week.  I was stupid enough to say “I’ll leave it; you don’t want me stealing your jacket do you”.  That manage to get a look apparently – the first one that either of us had noticed (maybe I need to start believing my therapist on my passability a little more).  I kind of brushed that off, we went into the changing room and tried our selections on.  And again with the sizes…  I was walking around in a 36 skirt, I had taken a 38 skirt into the changing rooms and…  It only just fitted (where as the 36 skirt that I had on had a little breathing room), and didn’t fall the best.  And the top that I had wanted to try was also not the best.  And was even worse when I took it off and found I had left some foundation on it…

That experience, and the fact that the painkillers I had taken for my jaw were wearing off, made me want to just go home – so we left at that point.

But, the day in general was a success I think.  Mrs Stace coped well – she was nervous at the start and a little uncomfortable but she said it was not as bad as she was expecting.  I’m going to count that as a result for the first trip.  And I managed to keep my head for most of the trip – it was a real confidence builder for me.

Unintentional trip

Today was my first therapy session since the beginning of February - through my therapists vacations and my own trip to Leicetser last week.

I had to remember to leave on time today as i needed to recharge my chip card; bank cards over here have a chip that you can move money to (rather than having cash) and the parking meeters in Amsterdam only accept that form of payment.

I should have done it this morning on the way to work, but with the ice this morning it completely slipped my mind.  So I managed to leave on time, stopped at the shops and found the machine out of order.  It would tell me how much I still had on my card (about a euro less than I needed) but would not allow me to recharge it. A quick trip into a shop to ask where there was another charge point and I found it it was too far away to do before I got ready.

And that it was in a busy shopping street.  Gulp, had to happen at some point.  So get ready (hair went wildly wrong, and only after a lot of work could I bring it back to eighties pop video - not great, but doable) and I was off. 

Well nearly...  When leaving my friends house and locking up his door I heard one of his neighbours coming in, that threw me a little.  Nothing to do but just get on with it, so I locked up and left.  Got the the final flight of strairs saw his neighbour, said hello.  And nearly went flying as I missed a step with my heel.  But he was a nice and checked that I was OK (I was, don't worry, I only slipped - I didn't actually fall).  I made a joke and was on my way.

Got to the street, and...  Nothing.  It was a complete non event.  I parked, changed out of my driving shoes, walked to the machine, waited to use it and went back.  No second looks, no sniggering and no comments.  :)  Just the type of sudden outing that was great to build some more confidence.

Stace

Two trip week

Well that is a very stressful week over.

The review process has started.  It’s going fine, but the first is taking time and I’m worried a little about it.

Other things have taken time and I’ve done a few hours of overtime most days.

And then there was the two nights out as Stacy.

Tuesday I went for a meal with a friend.  Finished work, late, got to his to get changed – as I was running late I had to get changed in half my normal time.  And managed it!  Male to Stacy in less than 45 minutes is a record for me!

When we were ready I drove to the café, whilst he cycled (he had to get some cash).  Now, at this point I was a little nervous.  The café where we were going is not that far from the office.  And, even worse, was on the route from the office to the train station.  I manage to find a parking space, got changed into my boots (I don’t drive in heels!) got out of the car and thankfully the only colleague coming down the street was the friend I was meeting :)

Went to the pub, and had some drinks and ordered the food (and very nice it was too!!!).  At some point, as I have a bladder the size of a pea I had to break the toilet barrier.  I have had a discussion or two with my therapist about why this is such an issue.  Both the issue that some people make of it and the issue in your head; he explained it pretty well…  And also said in no uncertain terms that it’s simple – Stacy goes to the ladies, male me goes to the gents.  Anyway, it was a complete non-issue in the café…

All in all it was a good evening, the only issue being that I had to cut it short as I had to get my kit ready for the outing the next day.

The next day I don’t know what happened, but I went in to a major downward spiral.  I don’t know what it was that set it off, but I was checking new blogs and suddenly I had a ‘What the hell are you doing moment!’  Complete with a cold sweat, shaking and inability to think / do anything.

Now, I know that I was going to see some friends for the first time, and that his mother in law was also going to be there, along with his kids.  After getting my hair cut we were supposed to be going out for a drink.  I guess it was a full night.  But I was not ready for the panic that morning.

I took some of my herbal pills (first time on about 6 months I think) and calmed down a little.  Went through the day (no idea what I was doing in the office any more), played some table football at lunch and lost completely as I had no idea what I was doing.  Took some more pills and tried to complete the afternoon.  Then it was time to get ready.  Only I procrastinated.  Too much…  I was left myself with little time to get changed again.  I left the office went to my friends place and when I stopped outside had a little panic attack.  And I really do not know why…

Luckily I beat my previous days record of getting ready (not that difficult as I did not do my hair – no point in filling it with mouse and hairspray when someone is about to cut it is there?).  I had managed to get myself back on track, just.  Then when putting my shoes on and I noticed that one area of my foot was a lightly different colour to the rest.  Damn.  First time I’ve had a ladder when I was in a rush.  As quick a change as possible (always carry a spare pair :p) and I was off, but late again.

Got to the house, thankfully once I was outside of the city traffic still flowed quickly just in time to see S get back from work.  Apart from me being stressed to the hilt it all went well.  I got compliments from everyone, and a joke from his mother-in-law (they told me you were coming as you today and that I had to be OK with it).

His youngest daughter, who is just learning to talk didn’t notice anything.  His other daughter was a little distant at first – and asked her mum when I was out of the room ‘Why is daddy’s friend a girl now?’  Her mum explained that sometimes people are a girl on the inside even when they are a boy on the outside, or vice versa.  She was a little unsure, but generally fine.

I got my hair cut, and had a chat with his wife whilst she cut my hair, and he put the kids to bed.  His wife did a wonderful job on styling my hair.  Normally she cuts it and quickly does a Stacy style, and then styles it for male me (as it’s normally Male me that goes).  This time she went to town on the styling.  I was over the moon with the result.

We discussed some technical issues he has at work, and he gave me some great searching tips using SQL Server Free Text Search for a home project and then we went out for a quick drink (by this time we were quite late, so it had to be a quick drink unfortunately).

Odd thing is that except for a slight feeling of nausea before going into the café everything was fine when out and about.  At no other point was I worried about what I was doing.  We had a drink, a chat and had a really great time.  I relaxed completely and can honestly say he really knows how to make you feel like a lady.  On issue is he refused to allow me to pay!  We stayed longer than we thought we were going to (time flies and all that).  So whilst he paid I put the bathroom fear to rest and we left.

Got back to his place, thanked his wife again for doing my hair and left for home.

All in all they were two great nights, wonderful for my development – and something that I really have to do more.

And now I can try to relax :)

No more crappy room!

Well after a long wait our department finally moved today.  So I spent most of it without a running computer, running between rooms with handfulls of stuff, or in meetings completely unprepared as I had no computer.  Still we are now in a room with better accustics, air conditioning for when it really gets too hot, a giant whiteboard that I am going to try and encourage people to use and...

Room for the table football that we brought as a department a few years ago, but have not used for a couple of years due to lack of space.

I have a few busy days coming up, going for a meal with a friend tomorrow - his local pub turns into a restaurant on Tuesday evenings and tomorow they are doing something special.  So Stacy is going out again.  I really have to get out more.  Except for visiting my therapist I rarely go out as me - it's the one thing that I think I have to work harder on to get some confidence.

Which is good, because on Wednsday I am having my hair cut as Stacy for the first time, the wife of a friend cuts it for me.  So I am eating there, having it cut and styled, and then I'm going out for a drink and chat with him.

Two trips in two days.  Scary, but I'm looking forward to it.  I just have to pack.  On the bright side, I have my outfits picked (one per day).  I wonder if I'll change my mind and end up taking two anyway...

And here are a couple more shots that I took whilst playing last week:

This guy sits on an elephant in the living room.  A present from India from a colleague.  Details: 20second @ f32, Sigma EXDG 180mm Macro 1:1 lens.  I found my tripod :)

And this guy sits on some of our long drinks glasses.  They were brought from BHS about 10 years ago - we were walking through the shop as a shortcut when we saw them.  We have tried to get some more, but to no avail.  So we try to be very careful with them :).  Details: 10 seconds @ f3.5, same lens as above.

I'm really enjoying playing with the camera again - especially now that I have found the tripod so I can do more long exposure shots.

If the weather holds I may take a trip and try and get some shots of the buildings that keep my feet dry in our lake :)  Some of them (espcially the older ones) look amazing!

A great night out - sorry long post ahead!

Well I’m sitting on the sofa at my friends with a terribly sore throat, and a ringing in my ears, and more than a little tired after only sleeping for four hours.  But I feel great.  (OK it’s Sunday morning now and I am sitting on my own sofa ;p)  I have a feeling this one may be long…  Sorry.  (Gulp just counted and it’s getting on for 1800 words!)

Before going out there was a party in the office for a couple of people that left at the end of last month.  A good time was had, and it was possibly the last BBQ that I’m going to have this year.  It did mean that I didn’t even start getting ready until quite late – and that I couldn’t just get changed, I had to shower as I someone volunteered me to light the BBQ (I have a reputation as a pyromaniac for some reason…), so I smelled a little smoky.

I left to get ready, had a coffee and showered.  As I could not decide what to wear I had taken pretty much every outfit I had, plus some things that I had borrowed from Mrs Stace.  So I started trying on each of my outfits to try and decide what to wear.  I half-dressed when the earth trip switch for the flat tripped.  I am now standing half dressed in pitch darkness, and I have a suitcase on the floor open with all sorts of things lying around making moving around difficult.  The other problem was being half dressed.  It takes me back to something my mum said when I first told them.  In the mornings when visiting I would put on trousers and make myself and early morning coffee.  My mum commented on that saying surely if I feel I am a woman I would not do this topless.  In male mode I don’t have a problem.  However, here I was, as Stace, in a skirt and tights but with only my bra on top.  I struggled trying to find my jacket that I took with me and struggled into it holding it closed before going out of the bedroom to see what was up with the power.  There is no way I could have left the room without the jacket on, and yet 30 mins earlier I was walking in just jeans to ask my friend something.

Anyway, he managed to get the power back on (it seems my coffee killed his microwave – sorry) and then the fashion show began.  I tried on nearly every outfit I had taken with me, asking for input.  With the help of my friend I decided on a knee length beige canvas skirt (he said that was the one I looked most comfortable in).  I matched it with a splash of colour using a turquoise top under the black jacket and then started in the shoes. I tried all 4 pairs that I took with me and in the end I went with the shoes that Mrs Stace brought for the final dance evening in June.  Then it was just getting my make-up and hair done and I was ready to leave.  I managed to poke myself in the eye with both my eye shadow applicator and my mascara brush…  Still I managed to get everything done well enough (considering what I forgot this trip was my hair mouse and wax – when will I remember everything…)


And so we left, me more than a little nervous - walking there was one of the things that I was forcing myself to do.  It was dark, and the streets were empty when we started out.  We reached the first corner and there was a group of teenagers hanging around.  We passed them without difficulty, with a bit of distance between us though, and carried on.  We passed a few people on the way, and I started to relax when nobody gave me a second look.  I also started to question my shoe size.  I take a 39 (euro size wise) in most shoes, but court shoes I take a 40.  Or so I thought.  I am wondering if I should stick with 39 and just make sure that I break the shoes in - after a few hundred meters they did feel like they were starting to slip a little…

We reached the cafe and suddenly I got really nervous again.  This wasn’t passing people in the street anymore, this was going into a packed bar and being spoken to.  We walked in, said hi to a few people who knew me from drinking there occasionally, but had never met Stacy, and found a couple of stools by the bar.  My friend ordered the drinks and I tried to get comfortable.  So far, well I wouldn’t say so good, but I had at least managed not to run away… 

The evening was raising money for charity, and the two drag queens who were MC’ing the event come over and said hello.  And I did something really stupid…  “And so what’s your name?” “, um, Stace!”  Christ first time out with people and even I get my name wrong, at that point I did want the ground to open up.  But it passed and the evening carried on.  Until my friend also ‘him’ed me.  And then sat apologising, saying he had promised himself not to do that.  So that was two mistakes, one of them from me!

But.  I got into a few conversations, brought some raffle tickets, and was having a good time.  My friend made me order some drinks.  The entertainment was good, as I commented at the time; what is it with some Dutch music that when you hear it on the radio you want to throw the radio out of the window, but in a café with lots of people, and a bit of alcohol, it works.

One of the women that I met was someone who transitioned 15 years or so ago.  We had a very brief ‘hello’ type chat, but her parting words were ‘Maak je geen zorg, je zit er goed uit’ (Apologies to those who understand Dutch if I messed the sentence up).  Roughly translated: ‘Don’t stress yourself, you look fine.’ That comment put me on cloud nine for some time.

Then came the raffle draw, now I don’t have luck with raffles, and I only had 5 tickets.  But I also know how my luck runs and on the day when I’m out in public for the first time, not wanting to draw attention to myself I knew I was going to win something.

And so…  When a vibrator gets pulled out of the box of prizes I’m sitting in my seat thinking ‘please, no, please…’  It wasn’t, phew.  A few more prizes get pulled, and then there is another vibrator.  And I win it.  So I have to walk into the spotlight, in front of the entire bar to pick up my prize.  Thankfully I think that enough people know that it was my first day so there were not the calls from everyone watching that there could have been.  Either that or my terror blocked it all out…

A bit more music and the second draw took place.  And what do you know, I win again!  A DVD this time.  This time the walk to pick it up was much easier.  Maybe the more subtle nature of the prize helped, or maybe I was getting more comfortable.

The draw over, and with everything going so well (except someone stealing my stool when I went to the bathroom) when I noticed that the woman who complimented me was outside on her own so I went to speak to her.  Now I am not going to put the details of the talk into the blog, I am still working through some of the things that we spoke about.  But there are some lighter things that I’ll put in.  She commented that provided I learnt to do my hair (getting there, but forgetting the wax didn’t help…) that she thought I was in a good position to be Stace, saying my face shape was soft enough and my voice OK even without yet seeing a speech therapist.  It got heavy in places, which are the bits that I am not going to get into yet, and there were tears in my eyes at a few points during the conversation.

It’s the first time I have spoken face to face with someone who has gone through this and emerged o the other side, and it was so great to be able to speak to someone who knows what I’m going through, and the fears that I have.  She has a fantastic attitude, from what I saw, and I look forward to seeing her again.

The end of the evening came, and my friend and I left to walk home.  On the way to the café I forced myself to walk with confidence.  On the way back there was no forcing in there, I was just walking back being me.  And even with the wine inside me I managed not to fall off of the heels – which gave the bonus of not breaking my ankle.  But, by the time we reached his flat I was so happy to take the shoes off!  The balls of my feet were telling me that they had done enough, with one of them slightly blistered.  I asked Mrs Stace when I got home if where I got the blister was normal (I was still thinking about the size of the shoes) and to paraphrase she just said ‘Yup, it’s painful – get used to it’.

On the walk home he got an SMS from someone in the café: ‘Tell Stacy that I have respect for her’.  What a way to end the evening :)

My friend and I sat talking for an hour or so – about the night, about my life in general.  Some bits were again heavy.  There were a few more tears followed, but it was a good chat.  We gave up at 3:30am and went to get some sleep.  I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.  Unfortunately I was awake again 4 hours later – Saturday was not a good day for me, I was shattered!

Any regrets?  Yes, I got too emotional – I feel an idiot for the amount of times I either had tears in my eyes, or on my cheeks…

Thanks to all for making the night a good one, and to Dave for inviting me along.  I have to do that again!

Going out for real... Gulp.

Tomorrow night I’m taking another step in the grand scheme of things.  There is a drink and BBQ for a couple of ex colleagues, and when that’s done I’m getting changed and going to a party at the bar of a friend.  It’s a safe place to go out for the first time, especially going with a friend.

As I write this I am split three ways – in equal parts terrified, nervous and looking forward to it.  Terrified and nervous because it’s going to be the first time that I am going to interact with people.  Nervous because the café is on the route from the office to the train station where I work and I’m concerned about running into someone coming back from the party later than I leave (not likely, but I worry about things).  Nervous about walking 1km in 8 to 10 cm heels (I haven’t decided what I wearing yet and about to pack a suitcase with clothes so I can pick when I get ready).  I've done about 400m before without an issue, but I'm going to have a drink at the bar...  Not many, certainly not drunk, but I am having a drink...

And I have the beginnings of a sore throat and head cold, which I am putting down to stressing about it…

But I’m sure it’s going to be worth it…  I let you know if it was…