A day later, a slightly different world

(Apologies to Jenny - this is basically an expanded version of the mail I sent to you yesterday...)

As I posted yesterday I met with my boss, my ex-boss and the woman from HR.  It was something that scared me immensely - almost as much as telling family in fact.  I guess that having an income and a job I really enjoy is also really important...

I spent most of the day wanting to be sick and struggling to concentrate on my work (and either the cold is making a comeback or the stress has started to really get into my throat).  The throat is still there, and I am shattered - whether it is as a result of the stress or an actual cold I am not sure...

I got changed after work, something that took more time than normal - as it was hot and I was stressed things did not go quite as they should.  But after spending too long, and using too much hair spray, my hair was something approaching what it should be.  I know I sound really vain, but having good hair and make-up gives such a massive boost to my confidence still. I wonder when I won't need it as much and I can be up and out in a similar time to Mrs Stace in the mornings (she takes less time than me as him, let alone Stacy and still looks amazing!)

Then when I left I found out that there was a vehicle fire on the motorway and I needed to take a back road detour - what can I say thank god for a friend who pointed me in the right direction to start with and the SatNav which took me the rest of the way.

I got there, went inside and got the table that I had reserved and sat to wait - I have to say it was so great to walk into a place and say 'Hi, I have a table reserved for four people, in the name of Stacy'; and to get no strange looks at the same time it was a bit of icing on the cake.  It wasn't long before my ex boss turned up, he is on vacation today (he leaves for Italy tomorrow) but wanted to come to the meeting as well, after all he has been involved in this now for nearly 18 months.

He commented that it was a little strange in that we have known each other for more than 5 years and it was still me, but it was also meeting me for the first time.  We got chatting about various things when the HR woman turned up.  "You look so different than the image I have in my head, and I mean that in the best possible way!"  I'll take that as a compliment.  I know that she was concerned about meeting me, I had kind of assumed that was going to be part of the problem - the other being that there was no agenda or real aim for the meeting besides introducing Stacy to them.  She did say that she knew I had told her that I was not a drag queen, but a more out there image was still making its way into her head.  I won't blame her for that.

My current boss was late, something last minute happened in the office so he was a few mins late leaving.  He got there, and basically said the same as the HR woman.

We discussed plans for the new year (the point that I expect to transition) and where we expected the problems to come from.  We are an open company, and I think that it will not be a problem per say, but you never know.

As my boss said, the company is responsible for my well-being in the office and obviously they will make sure that I do not suffer any crap from anyone (not his wording, but close enough).  His concern is from people within my team - where the same rule applies obviously - should someone not take kindly to it and refuse to be led by me.  They will be told in no uncertain terms should that happen - but it's not good for my standing as team lead for someone to have to step in.  Hopefully it will not come to that.

At this point I got a wonderful compliment from the HR woman.  In the week between the company being told and me returning to work there are likely to be many discussions (obviously) but seeing as how I look she doesn’t expect any the moment I return to work.  That was very nice to hear, from both view points.

We discussed how to let the full management team know, and how we should tackle it.  Whether to tell them a day before it goes public - or whether to tell them before hand.  Or tell them with the rest of the company.  I think that I am going to take this up with my therapist as I really am not sure.  I do not expect any issues from them though.

The HR woman also asked who did my hair and make up now.  I said that I did everything myself (except cutting it obviously) - 'Wow, oh well done - you do a great job!'  I think I may have been smiling at that point.

After that it was more a discussion about this that and the other.  All in all a nice couple of hours spent in what would be the equivalent of an beer garden in England overlooking the Dutch countryside.

On the way home I was stuck in the traffic jam caused by the lorry fire earlier in the day - it had completely burnt out and damaged the asphalt, so they had to close down most of the motorway and it caused a 8km 1 hour traffic jam.  Whilst I was stuck I called my parents and had a quick chat.  My mum was happy with how everything went and asked me an interesting question.  Given what everyone who has met Stacy has said, at what point am I going to believe it and stop stressing before going out???

New drives, dead drives and lost drives...

Tech post again!

Recently I got totally fed up with my ultra portable machine refusing to do what I wanted it to do, when I wanted it to do it.  I had noticed that the HDD light was on for a long time whenever I tried to open an application - or after logon before the desktop was actually available to use.

So seeing as I knew the machine had a 1.8" iPod drive fitted to it (for power and size reasons) I thought that it needed changing for something with a little more kick.  I thought I'd take the SSD route.

After a few months of research (the fact that it is so small makes it really difficult to find the right one) and ordered it from Amazon.

Last week it arrived and I spent an evening imaging up the old drive, removing the countless screws, hatches and covers that hold it together - why can't they make small computers like big ones!  Fitting a new HDD to the DTR's that we have for home use is three screws and 10 minutes work.  This was about an hour to do start to finish.

Then I restored the image to the new drive. That took an age!  100GB in about 3 hours!  So I didn't really have a chance to test it beyond a quick reboot to see how it worked.

Or so I thought.  Quick was not the phrase that jumped to mind.  Mind numbingly slow...  Booting to the login screen was quick - 30 seconds or so.  Then there was a 10 minute wait to reach the point of a usable machine.  Oh dear...

Contacted the seller via Amazon, looked for tips online and asked my colleagues for help.  A bit of tuning got something reasonable - but still far to slow for the cost of the SSD drive.  And so today I decided to bite the bullet and do a full restore of the drive.

SUCCESS!!!  Installing Windows 7 from a bootable USB drive took only 15 minutes or so.  Another 30 mins for the updates needed and...  Viola!  From power button to surfing in less than 60 seconds!  That is what I was hoping for from an SSD!

Now I just have to install SQL Server, TFS 2010, Visual Studio 2010 and Office.  And that is where the lost and dead drives come in.  When I replaced my DTR I got a USB 3 drive for back-ups.  That seems to be dead now.  Nothing, followed by more nothing.  Then a little wait.  Then the wonderful 'This drive needs to be formatted before it can be used'.  Damn.  That contains my backups and install media.  I have searched my other back up drives and found other backups of the media.  What I don't have is all of the product keys.

They must be on some other backup drive that I have lost.  So I now have a super fast machine that has nothing except browser software installed.  I guess I know what I am doing this weekend!

When does it stop...

After having a few weeks where I thought I was catching up with things, both at home and at work I now feel back to square one.

I am just not sure why I have so much on at the moment, or where the current interruptions are coming from, but they are coming fast and furious and just keep piling up and up.  On top of this it leads me to finishing the day exhausted, but having no idea where my time has been spent - which makes me worry that people think I am not pulling my weight as even I can't say where the time has gone.

I think I am going to have to make a list and see what I have to do, what can be done in the office, what can be done outside and when I think I can spend time at home to work without interruptions and try and cut the list a little.

The there is the outside stress.  A couple of weeks ago I sent an email to the VU to find out when my next appointment was.  I heard nothing back and so on Monday I called, they said they needed to find my files (it is about a year since I last went) and they would call me back.  Today I gave them another call, they had the file and are organizing their psychiatrists at the moment.  I'll get another call in the morning to try and arrange an appointment.

I have no idea when the appointment will be, but at least it seems that things are moving.  I sound positive, but I've been a nervous wreck since sending the first mail a couple of weeks back, and leading up to, and just following the calls I've been absolutely spent.  Which is daft (as Mrs Stace has told me), all I've done is make a call.  There is no need to be nervous about making a call...  And yet...

OK, finish on a positive...  Whilst I am shattered I have been doing a little more shopping this week :)  My online shopping trip from a couple of weeks ago never actually a happened due to running out of time (see my first paragraph...) but this weekend I made time for it.

So a couple of online shops hit, a lilac skirt, two pairs of skinny jeans, a couple of tops and a new beige blazer were ordered.  A mix of nice quality and cheap and cheerful (Zara and H&M) should mean that I should have enough outfits to hopefully last me the spring and the start of the summer (once I get a pair of low heeled black shoes and a handbag of course - to save me always stealing one of Mrs Stace's bags).


Now we just have to wait for everything to be delivered.  I was hoping that we would get it today so I could try the new things tomorrow.  But apparently not...  Everything is likely to arrive tomorrow.  One day too late.  Hohum :)

Up and down

Today, as they say in football, was a day of two halves.

Due to internal politics and technical problems the morning was less than fun, in fact it had me doubled in pain during a 40 minute walk to work off stress.  But I won't go into details, they are both too raw still and it'll just be a rant (I just tried to do it once and ended up deleting the whole post as it got too long and way. way too much of a rant)

I was not happy.

But (always good to use after a phrase like 'I was not happy'), it did pick up.  We are looking into a new computer for home.  Mrs Stace is using my old laptop and it's starting to get a little long in the tooth, it takes too long to do certain tasks, and the battery is totally dead - if you unplug it it does instantly.

So I am going to do a clean install on mine and pass it on to her, and replace it with a DTR to last another 5 years.  Sony is just about to release a new line of laptops using the latest and greatest chips from Intel, with a huge amount of processing power, lots of memory and a fast disk it should be lovely to code on (and to process photo's).  We put the order in today, and should be amongst the first to get it when it's released in a couple of weeks.  Fingers crossed :)

And then this afternoon, in the glorious sunshine, we went for our office run across the country park near the office.  50mins, 500cals and 27g fat later I was quite happy again.  There were 5 of us there, me and another girl run ahead, a couple of girls running a little slower and the guy who organises it (and can run us all into the ground - I swear he didn't even break a sweat!) running between the two.

A nice drive in the evening sun, some spinach and pesto past and I'm done...

And now that this is written, I'm off to bed to carry on with 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' - it's just getting interesting!

Goodnight!

Work, Therapy and Shopping!

This week has been terrible in the office…  I have been exhausted with the pain in my jaw (though thankfully it's now gone completely), and have simply been too busy doing unplanned work – no matter how much time I block in my agenda someone always comes and asks if I can unblock it, and there is normally a good reason for it; it’s just a shame that it doesn't help the things that are always on the back burner.  As a result I fall further and further behind with the tasks that are not less important - just less urgent...

Friday was the worst day or the week for me.  There was a problem with a project: poor inter-departmental communication and misuse of tools that have made it almost impossible to keep track of.  The person involved sent a mail saying that this was an example of why we need to change things and so I tried to arrange a meeting to discuss it.  No going, ‘I don’t want to be involved.’  My boss however made an appointment anyway and we had a discussion – I already have the solution outline that fits in the direction that the development team wants to take anyway.  This got a warm response from most involved in the meeting and I am going to fill out the outline with to something I can go over with the developers and project teams next week.  I'm doing this from home on Monday to ensure that I can actually do the work - and not spend my time on the unplanned things - it's the only way to ensure that it will actually get done.

Then in the afternoon I had to help the other development team change on of our import applications.  I was not impressed that this needed doing – the people involved shout very loudly, and constantly that they are senior developers and demand to be treated as such.  If you are going to make these statements loudly then I think it’s a good idea to follow it up with actions and when debugging a very simple application it shouldn’t take the two of them working for a week, plus a half day of my time.  Since becoming team lead I have not coded that much, and whilst I still read code fine, I am not a fully geeked up techie anymore – and yet I had the layout of the code in my head inside an hour, and I was actually deciphering the details as I was explaining it to the coders.  And still it was not coming across and I had to keep going over how the application was built, and why I thought that lines written along the lines of 'Product.CompanyName = xmlDoc.FindNode("CompanyName");' fills the product company name from the XML document field 'CompanyName'.  I am not the best teacher in the world (I just don't have the patience to be honest) but I just can't help thinking that the code was fairly self explanatory - we do have some seriously complex code and this just isn't it.

When I eventually got back to my teams room ‘Air on a G String’ was playing, I had the guy who controls the music rewind it to the start and turn it up and just sat in the corner, eyes closed practicing a breathing exercise to get rid of the stress - the people involved don't just say 'I don't get it' they argue that you can't be right, over and over again.  I could have had a better end to the week...

Earlier in the week was not so bad. On Thursday I had another therapy session – it was a very relaxing session this time, discussing the shopping trip last week; how it made both me and Mrs Stace feel.  I think that one of the biggest changes after the trip was actually evident just before the session.  I went to my friends flat to get changed and there were absolutely no nerves when leaving, or when walking in Amsterdam, or when coming home.  For the first time I was completely comfortable for the whole time – to the point that it was not until afterwards that I realised that it was not a problem.  :)

Of course one disappointment from last week was that we didn’t manage to get everything that we wanted (well, actually, all we managed to find was a summer coat for me!  And then it went cold again so I couldn’t even wear it on Thursday!).  Mrs Stace managed to correct that slightly yesterday when we went shoe shopping – she got herself a lovely pair of low heeled shoes for spring.  I’m thinking of getting the same shoes in grey. We actually went in for shoes for me, I had seen some lovely ones in a catalogue that came through the post, but in real life I am not so sure.  I have to go back as Stacy and actually try them on and see how they look I think - maybe they are completely different on than they look sitting on a shelf...

Today we are going to go in for an online shopping trip – I have seen a couple of really nice outfits on zara.nl that I am thinking of getting for spring, and Mrs Stace is going to try and see if she can find something as well :)

I can do without those moments!

This weekend has been a little more stressful then I would have liked... 

My neice has said that she wants a radio controlled car for her birthday.  As RC cars used to be a bit of a hobby of mine we offered to get one for her.  Or rather I offered to rebuild the one I brought when I was in Uni (it's got to be better than buying a throw away one).

So Saturday we were in the local model shop to get the bit's that we needed (wheels, battery, speed controller and as she wants a pink convertable we have had to replace the Escort top with something sporty that we can paint).  We got all the bits needed and I last night I started with the rebuild.  All went well, everything easily removed was cleaned (down to the chassis, but not dismatelling the mechanical bits - I don't have the instructions to put the diffs and AWD transmission box back together :p)

Until this afternoon...  I got the rolling chassis finsihed and was putting in the receiver and speed controller...  New new one doesn't fit...  The connections are all wrong - so it's back to the shop to see if there is another one...

And then the other stress...  I was dressed this evening...  Watching TV whilst Mrs Stace was washing her hair.  Suddenly I get an SMS - 'Your mum and dad are here, can you skype us please'.  Holly crap...  Sent an SMS back - can I call?  My laptop is not set up (good excuse I thought, though it was also a lie). Got another SMS - we wanted to show your parents how easy it is to skype.  Crap.  Rush upstairs and scrub my face clean, quickly change into jeans and t-shirt.  Then try to find my web cam.  It's not anywhere I was looking.  Crap!  In a rush I got my small laptop I use in the train (I have a DTR and an ultra portable - but the DTR has no build in webcam).  No Skype installed.  Crap!  Try to download Skype.  Need my username and password.  Which I forget...  Crap!  Really starting to stress at this point!  Got a reminder sent (at least I have an IMAP account to my email on this machine) and managed to log into Skype and download the installer.

Panic over, called my uncle and got my mum on the screen - who asked my just how long my 10 minutes were!  I could hardly tell her why it too so long with my aunt and uncle listening in on the conversation!

Phew, breath and relax...

Going out for real... Gulp.

Tomorrow night I’m taking another step in the grand scheme of things.  There is a drink and BBQ for a couple of ex colleagues, and when that’s done I’m getting changed and going to a party at the bar of a friend.  It’s a safe place to go out for the first time, especially going with a friend.

As I write this I am split three ways – in equal parts terrified, nervous and looking forward to it.  Terrified and nervous because it’s going to be the first time that I am going to interact with people.  Nervous because the café is on the route from the office to the train station where I work and I’m concerned about running into someone coming back from the party later than I leave (not likely, but I worry about things).  Nervous about walking 1km in 8 to 10 cm heels (I haven’t decided what I wearing yet and about to pack a suitcase with clothes so I can pick when I get ready).  I've done about 400m before without an issue, but I'm going to have a drink at the bar...  Not many, certainly not drunk, but I am having a drink...

And I have the beginnings of a sore throat and head cold, which I am putting down to stressing about it…

But I’m sure it’s going to be worth it…  I let you know if it was…

Doing better...

Well I'm doing so much better this week than I was when I last posted.  So much so I can't recognise how I felt then.

Is that bi-polar, or just a sign that I've started to come to terms with things?

Since my last post I have been dressed each evening it was possible to do so (Tuesdays / Wednesdays are out as we go out those days - but Thursday and Friday were both spent dressed).  The difference in myself is amazing.  I was trying to explain it to Jenny in an email and struggles somewhat.  It's not that I relax when dressed, but that I feel like me and so the anxiety drops away somewhat.  Even though the fears and worries about the future remain, and are just as strong the anxiety level makes the difference.

I was speaking to my boss about this yesterday - I had an update meeting with him to explain how things were going and that I had had a very tough time of it recently. He said he understood why being dressed did me so much good - there is a rather large picture of him in the hallway dressed as a hooker from a previous office fancy dress party.  he said if you look at the photo you can tell he is not comfortable (to be fair neither would I be in that outfit) and it makes perfect sense that if you reverse the scenario to me that I am not comfortable wearing my daily clothes.  He has a good insight that man I think.  Better than me - I don't get how getting dressed can make such a difference.

Mrs Stace has been great with the dressing, I offered to remain in boy mode again last night, but she told me to change.  And did my eyes again.  I am not sure if she is getting used to it, but she is trying her hardest.

I asked her what made the change from not wanting me dressed a lot to advising it when possible.  She said it was the suicidal thoughts.  Slightly guilty feelings there as I did not tell her for that reason. But I can't deny it's helped.


The other thing that has helped is me accepting my situation.  I was planning to go into therapy at the VU fighting transition at all costs.  That is also where a lot of anxiety has been over the last few weeks.  I've now decided that I have to go into it open minded.  Not going in expecting transition, but not going in fighting it either.  That has also removed a lot of anxiety.  Introduced an amount of fear, but fear without anxiety if that makes any sense.  I feel much more serene now.

There are logistical issues that go with the dressing each night.  We live in a terrace house - overlooked on all sides.  Ergo, if I am dressed we have to close the curtains.  And when we forgot to pick milk up on Thursday and found out after I was dressed (and had makeup on) Mrs Stace was the one who needed to not only go and pick it up, but also take over my role of fighting the junk in the shed to get my bike out (her's is buried deeper).  I would have happily got it for her but then my secret would have been more than a little out.

Another issue is panda eyes.  I got up on Friday morning, had a shower and still had panda eyes from the mascara of the night before.  I'm glad Mrs Stace was there to check when it was gone (the light in the mirror is not the best) otherwise I would have had some explaining to do...

Have a good weekend all - I'm off for my 18km skate now :).  Just beleive me that I am doing better now.

False Hope, Panic and Validations

I've had a bit of a mixed bag over the last couple of weeks. I've been really down, a couple of anxiety attacks meaning that I had to walk out from my office with my eyes welling up five minutes before a meeting last week and I've been back on my Validispert herbal tablets again. The reasons I won't go into just yet. I have not worked then through my head properly yet...  (But please don't panic - it's nothing bad)

But...

The fasle hope in the title comes from last Thursday. I had just finished my weekly run with colleagues and called Mrs Stace to let her know that I had left and would be home in an hour or so.

She told me that there was a letter from the VU (the hospital where the gender clinic is based) so we assumed it was the date for my first appointment. Hope.

Then the panic started about what this means for my life (is this normal?). It made for a not very pleasent drive home.

I got in picked up the letter and looked at it for a while, Mrs Stace asked what was wrong, I told her I was panicing a little. Eventually opened it and found out that it wasn't the appointment after all. (False Hope then).

They are having a lecture on the details of the treatment, and it was an invitation for me (and family & friends) to go and see what the process involes. From first appointment through to after GRS care.

Me and Mrs Stace are going, I don't think we'll be taking the family along. Mrs Stace is concerned because it covers the whole process - which is not my aim at present. But we've discussed it and seeing as whether I go down the path or not it's useful information, and the first phase is something that will affect me no matter what.

The validations... Phone calls again. But I was over the moon - it really picked me up yesterday.

I had to call UPS as they have messed up the invoice of sending my amp back to Cyrus - and it's now (incorrectly) in the financial system of my employer...

I called them, got into a bit of a heated discussion and kept being told 'Calm down madam' by the person on the other end of the phone :) Even when I was quite angry... Mrs Stace thought that I would get too distracted by being happy with the 'madam' to keep focused on why I was angry with them, but I managed it ;p

And the other... I have to have a medical check-up to transfer my UK license to an NL one, as the UK license from the 90's has a whole bunch of interesting categories that you have to take seperate tests for in Holland - complete with regular medicals. So I called the 'Arbo' doctors who can do the test, gave them my name and address (gender was never asked) and recieved a letter yesterday that started with 'Dear Mrs' (Well 'mevrouw' - but close enough).

(Oh, and for Leslie - my current ear worm is 'The Blue Danube' from the 1987 Vienna New Years Concert)

Two thought provoking entries

I've just read a couple of entries from two people:

Mixed Emotions by Chrissie
Gay No But I Am Queer by Julia

Chrissie's posting deals with her divorce finalisation having a date in court now, and the emotions that that brings up, plus looking forward to the future.

I really wanted to put something supportive in the comments - but when the window came up nothing was there to type. I ended up putting something that's probably comes across as trite - and for that I appologise.

I think there are two reasons why it wasn't happenning:

1) I can only empathise... As yet I have not going through anything like this, and have no idea what to say to people.
2) It's a little close to the possibilities of home at the moment. This afternoon I have an estate agent coming to value the house this afternoon, and to tell us if we should refit the kitchen if we are going to sell later in the year

Ergo I'm a little numb. Mrs Stace is struggling. She accepts me for who and what I am - but therein lies our problem. Even is not dressed she knows that I am not a man, even if I never transition she knows that I am not a man. She sees the inner me. And she is not a lesbian.

Time will tell if she can get over it I suppose. I dressed for the first time since telling her on Sunday - I duscussed it with her first. She asked me not to wear a skirt, I agreed.

We spent time cuddling during the evening, and she got her own back on my by flicking my bra strap open. We were both nervous, but made it through unscathed. This has allowed me to hope that she can come to terms with me - but it's a long way from a done deal, and as put above has nothing to do with whether I transition. Time will tell, as will her therapy that starts 1st March.

Then there was Julia's post.

As I put in my comment there I have never wondered if I was gay. From my ealiest memories I knew I should have been a girl, and spent an amount of time playing with girls when growing up.

When it comes to attraction though it is more complicated. I am not attacted to men in boy mode. In any way shape or form. However, in girl mode I have had my share of crushes - Phillip Scofield, Pierce Brosnan and recently David Tennent to name a few. But all of them in Femme mode. I can't imagine being with a man as a man - that does not fit in my head at all. As a woman however, that's different. Stacy definately has crushes on both men and women.

This is something that I have not yet told Mrs Stace or my parents. It confuse me as I've always said that male me and Stacy are one and the same person, but does this invalidate that point. It's hard enough for me to get my head around it, it seems very odd and weird... Is it?

Stace

Best laid plans...

Well two posts in one week...

Thanks to all the advice from Saturdays post, I did think long and hard about how / if I should tell her and had *started* to work out a plan. Unfortunately my body decided to get in the way...

About 11pm last night in bed I had quite a panic attack, by my estimation my heartbeat got to the 120 plus stage, I couldn't lie still and started to have issues breathing - when that happened earlier in the year I ended up in A&E being pumped full of Valium so that I could breath again, and off of work for a week to get over the effects of said Valium.

She asked what was wrong, I told her. Everything.

So far she has been great, I am just terrified of if that changes.

She is wonderful, and everything to me - and I hope that she knows how much I love her.

When the details of last night are less murky in my head (only managed two hours of sleep last night) I may elaborate on this cryptic post. But I think I have to get them right first.

Again thanks to all for your support as well.

Appologies for the poorly structured post.

Slow down, you're driving too fast

I just finished an hours online gaming - Forza 3 on the xbox, with a few (real world) friends. I sucked. Lots... I don't get it I can play in single player mode, but put me against a few other people and suddenly I'm terrible. Still it was good fun...

Unlike the rest of my life the last week. With my head full of the stinking cold (and no lemons in home for my hot toddy pick me up) I seemed to be in a real downward spiral.

Work was not going well - I spent the last week trying to fix a server in the office (only to have to give up and get the thing reinstalled). And whilst spending all of this time fixing the server my other work was getting further and further behind.

The bathroom people cancelled without any prior warning. I called 1/2 hour after the appointment should have been to be told: 'We tried to contact you since Friday, due to a warehouse mixup he's not coming'. When I asked what number they had tried I was told that they had thrown it away as it seemed to be wrong. Something smells fishy there to me...

The whole TG thing was just getting on top of me totally. Once at home with my other half I'm not too bad - not totally great but almost. But when I'm not it seemed to be ripping me apart. Maybe it was just everything stacking up...

Hopefully this week the cold has gone and things will improve. Certainly over the weekend they were better - but that was spent 90% of the time with my other half, and as I said that's not too bad.

In fairness even with an appaling journey on the train to the office this morning - Fire alarm at Schiphol meant that all trians that run underneath the airport were late or cancelled, and when my intercity arrived it was only three carrages instead of it's normal 12 - I feel great at the moment. Fingers crossed.

And appologies to all out there who I have not had time to comment on. With everything that's going on I've barely had time to read the blogs, let alone leave the comments I've wanted to...

(And appologies for the random, rambling nature of this post - felt good to get it out though :) )

Go with the flow

Since the last post things have improved in life.


During the evening I thought about how to bring up the subject with my other half again. I didn't quite manage it until we were already reading in bed (BTW Really not the right time to do it...). It was a fairly heavy, but short discussion. I said what was on my mind, she said what she thought about it and tried to reassure me about how she feels - still doesn't want to be involved, but told me to continue - and discussed what to wear (we are about the same size so share some of our clothes - yes she does wear mine as well). I did feal somewhat reassured afterwards.

It took me a while to get to sleep afterwards, but things have been better since. On top of feeling better we have actually started talk about it a little day to day - at least including it in the conversation. See how things go over the next month or so.

As for the blog... I think I a going to change it a little... I was going to group everything together - but think I'll specialise a little more. I was going to d my first techie post. I had a great idea for a post ffrom the last couple of days at work. But... I just don't think that I discussing passing Enums around using .Net SOAP web services fits in with the other content. So I'll be making a new one. If it's going to be Stacy or my other self I am not sure of yet either... I would prefer to keep it as Stacy - but it's not something I can use on my CV... But is it really worth putting it on the CV... Thinking time I think.

To close I just have to link to this article. Well worth a read!

Time for something a little more serious

You know what... When I started this blog I thought it was going to be a place where I could be my en-femme self without any worries.

But, in the time since I created it on Friday I've changed the name three times as I just don't know what I want from it. It's the first time that I've actually come out to the world that I am in fact a tgirl - although the fact that it's an unknown, anonymous blog actually helps matters :)

I’ve found that reading other TG blogs over the years has helped enormously. I just wish that I could pass something back on to others. The courage that others have shown in coming out amazes me - where you find it I do not know. I have to say though - whilst I long to have to courage to actually do it, I don't think I ever could. On top of my lack of courage in others understanding, I have a kind of immovable object, unstoppable force kind of problem. My other half knows about what I do - but she is not totally happy with it. She accepts it as long as she is not involved and it's kept totally private. She is also the world to me - and nothing on this earth could make me do something that would in any way jeapodize my relationship with her. On the other hand I have this nagging pressure in my head about what I am and what to do about it. Most of the time I have to say it's not so much of an issue. Other times, like recent weeks, it's hell - and so terribly lonely, stressful and confusing.

I think that in reflection this blog will tip between three areas - my love of gadgets, my en-femme side, and these moments where even writing the above and admitting it to myself outloud as it were helps a little...

To try and finish on a brighter note... The dress is still there to look at :)