Things have been quite quiet around here recently...

I have been rushed off of my feet with various things, stressed to hell with work (that is at least improving now) but mostly I've just had a case of writers block.  Every time I opened the laptop to do write something I just struggled to get started.

Outside of work I am in a good place at the moment, the stress of life has dwindled somewhat - and that has somewhat reduced my drive to get all of the stress out and into blog posts.  I have written some during the time that will never be published - as Jenny pointed out on her blog recently, writing the post can sometimes be enough.

Why is it that when things are going well you find it difficult to write about things?  I love reading others peoples positive posts – I find it very affirming and something of a pick me up.  So why do I find it so hard to write when things are going well?  Mainly guilt I suppose…  When you know what some people are going though I don’t want to come across as conceited.  Have I ever mentioned that when I have nothing to worry about I spend my time worrying about having nothing to worry about…?

I have also been busy most nights with various things – from visiting friends and family, to training for the city run I did last week (and then recovering from it) to trying to get my new computer set up as I wanted it (it was fine as it was, but being a picky developer I wanted it how I wanted it and was willing to spend the time to get it there). 

Now I have to set up my old one for Mrs Stace, and set hers up as our media server in the living room.

Last week I took part in the city run where I work.  This year I was just outside the top 10% of participants in the 5KM, running it in just over 24 minutes.  At least this year I did not that nauseous that I could not stand for 15 minutes after finishing :)  This time I just needed to stop for a couple of minutes to regain use of my legs…

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On a serious note, I’m sure everyone has seen the video that has been posted around in the last couple of days from Baltimore.  I still find what human beings will do to each other for no reason unbelievable, and how they will come up with excuses to try and justify themselves.  And that other people will just stand around filming it, not for any noble reason – as evidence for example, but because they think it’s funny.  I’m just glad to see that he victim has at least recovered (physically) and hope that she can get over it with time and help.  In this instance it was a transwoman, but this type of violence happens for all sorts of ‘reasons’…  And they are all inexcusable.

When you look at what the world in general can do to people I wish the conflicts that have been so obvious on various blogs would stop – when I started blogging a couple of years ago I found so much solace by finding kindred spirits.  The blog sphere is a different place now to then, and I am not sure that it would help someone just starting out now as much as it helped me.  I find that quite sad.  I’ve never been one to look for conflict, and so have tried to steer clear of this subject, but I find the crossfire very tiring – and that in itself adds to the inability to write…

Winter Wonderland…

Well you have had it in the UK for a while now, but this week the snow hit Holland as well.  Two days before the garage were due to swap my tyres to my winter ones.  Thankfully the car behaves wonderfully in this weather, and the most important (and busy) roads are so well maintained that they were just wet – stopping wasn’t a problem.  The side streets were more treacherous – but without the volume of traffic they were more than doable with a little care when slowing down.  I must admit to playing somewhat on the empty roads and especially in the office car park which is also empty when I arrive at 7ish :)

Wednesday I got my winter tyres and playing had to stop (they just grip too well).  Good timing too – yesterday the snow started in earnest (5cm since 9am this morning!  It’s 11:45 as I write this).  We are going for Sint Klas today with my neice and nephew – having enough grip is something I am pleased about.

The poor rabbit is having a time of it.  She’s getting old now (just turned 9) and her hip is starting to play up.  So instead of living in the snow as she has done in the past years she is spending a lot of time in her bedroom buried under piles of straw.  According to the vet we are fine to leave her there as long as she eats and drinks still (she is).  The cat is just going mad as he doesn’t like the cold.  He runs out in the morning to do his stuff and comes back within a couple of minutes and spends the rest of the day inside pining to go out, but refusing to go out in the cold.  As such he’s busy having lots of mad half hours to burn his excess energy.

Outside of that it’s been a tough week…  Things have been interesting between Mrs Stace and me this week.  On two fronts, the shopping – which was possibly too much too soon for her, and my body image.  The first lead to a little iciness, nothing major – but it was a little uncomfortable for both of us.

The second issue caused a much bigger problem this week.  As I may have written before, I have a serious problem with body image.  At 5’10” and 73KG / 11.5 stone (last time I checked) I am not overweight.  But when I look in the mirror that is not what I see by a long stretch.  I am very aware of the path that I am treading here and I make sure that I eat enough (to be honest I also like unhealthy food) even if I feel really guilty about it afterwards.  This was brought up somehow during a meal this week which caused Mrs Stace to get angry at me obessing and me to get upset and walk off.  She came after me and we had a discussion about it (healthy discussion, not arguing) and after I calmed down we finished food.  We both discussed these issues with our therapists this week – and they both said the same thing about it.

The problems causing the arguments are not the cause of the arguments – Mrs Stace is not in competition with me regarding my clothes or anything else.  Rather she is probably feeling that my femininity is threatening hers.  The things that trigger the arguments are typically female things.  And she is supposed to be in the female role, me having those issues can make her think that she is being forced into the male role.  It’s something that we have to work through, and no doubt is going to take an amount of work from both of us.

On the subject of my body image my therapist told me I’m text book.  The way that he explained it to me is that I can’t expect to just be unhappy with ‘those’ parts of my body that are obvious, and teenage body image problems (when mine started) can be caused by not wanting the body to grow up.  Girls have this when they start to get bigger, and in my case I just don’t want the body to change to be an adult male (makes sense to me).  Without me telling him more than saying I have bad body image he managed to tell me exactly what goes through my mind with it – makes me think that he is on to something there…  He also said that I *have* to watch my weight.  I am not allowed to lose any weight at all, and I have to make sure that I don’t over exercise.  Once a week I have to weigh myself and make a note of it, and response accordingly should I start to lose any more.  He also said that should I transition I need the weight I have, and should expect (and need) to put on another 5KG or so.  Wonderful…  He did also say that if I transitioned I would likely lose the body image issues as my body started to change – I’m not sure how I feel about that as it just adds more weight to my need to transition.

On a bright side he did compliment me on my ability to pick clothes that suit me – it’s nice to know that the clothes I pick are not marking me out when walking down the street.  Which is a wonderful bridge to a nice close; I managed to speak to a complete stranger with confidence this week whilst out as Stacy.  For the first time I actually felt comfortable doing it – and I got a pleasant smile and hello back.  Just a stranger passing in the street – but it felt great.

And on that good note I’ll call it a day.  Hope that you all have a good weekend, and that you manage to enjoy the winter weather without it having too much negative impact!

Stace

A couple of weeks of thought....

Sorry it’s been a while – it’s been an interesting few weeks.  Both in the good and the bad sense…

Now where to start?  Always a problem isn’t it?  Do you start with the good news, and then lead into the less good (I won’t say bad news, because though it’s not been fun I can’t say it’s bad…  Sorry I’m rambling now).

The past week or so has been extremely busy – I’ve barely had a chance to catch up on blogs let alone write any.  I’m writing this drinking Latte at a very good Italian Coffee shop in Schiphol airport waiting for my train connection.  (If any of you ever go through Schiphol I can recommend Pronto – just across from Starbucks and so much better!)

Right, the less good; I’ll start with that and finish on a good note.  Much better.  You may notice that this post doesn’t have a lot of structure – I apologise for that.

Two weeks ago I had a therapy session.  It was also Mrs Stace’s birthday and so I just went direct from work, without getting changed first – I kind of assumed that on her birthday she would prefer her husband to come home, and couldn’t possibly deny her that.  But that’s another tangent and not really important to the tale.  I was a good session, we discussed many things – I won’t bore you with the details.  Towards the end the therapist brought up the subject of making ‘the decision’ (my quotes) and that it’s not so much a decision that you make, it’s something that you know.  I told him that I thought I knew what my path was, and that that wasn’t my problem.  That confused him – I have to stop being so English.  So I clarified.  I *do* knew what my path is, and that isn’t my problem.  My problem is to do with cost, not money but Mrs Stace.  He again repeated not to worry and that will come to my in time.

That triggered two of possibly my worst weeks since I started blogging – and a very bi polar feeling.  Whilst I had something on my mind there was no problem.  Then I got 5 minutes to myself, or I got distracted at work and – boom! – I was back in melancholy mode again.  I’ve laid in bed at night trying to grapple it – I don’t actually know if I’ve had insomnia (though I’ve been waking far too early) but it seemed like I was lying awake for half the night.  Last Sunday I spent the whole evening on the verge of tears.

You see my problem that I just don’t see how you are supposed to come to any conclusion there at all.  I have two choices – both are fantastic and both fill me with dread.

1) I can go for transition

I don’t spend the rest of my life in Girl Envy, I don’t spend the rest of my life suffering what I am suffering at the moment, and hopefully get rid of the thoughts of ending it all (don’t worry I’m not seriously considering it – but I still think it’s not healthy to try and work out the best way to do it)

I stand the very real possibility of losing the love of my life.  The person who I have such an amazing connection that we don’t just finish each other’s sentences, we start them as well.  I have a crappy day, see her and suddenly everything seems that much better.  Just writing that sentence lifts me.  Christ, she cares that much about me that *she* made me go to the doctors last year when I told her everything as she could see what it was doing to me, even though she knew where it may lead.

2) I don’t transition

Reverse the above.  And add to it that I spend the rest of my life growing more and more bitter at my body and the way that it shall keep getting more bloke like as the years go by, and hate myself more and more.

But the chances are that I keep Mrs Stace in my life.  Chances are – nothing is certain of course.

So there we have it.  Do I spend the rest of my life slowly hating me for my body and how I have to live my life, or do I risk spending the rest of my life hating that I killed the best relationship I am ever likely to have.

That sentence is the one that has been causing me so much pain and confusion over the last couple of weeks.

Thursday I went back to therapy and brought this up.  His take on it…  Nothing is certain no matter which direction you go for.  Also…  No matter what direction I eventually go for don’t expect to do it without Stacy.  She’s here for good – if I try to put her back into the box and ignore her I am not going to be healthy, and the chances are that that will ruin the relationship.  I kind of guessed that one.

So it will become obvious what I have to do.  Apparently it’s already obvious to those in the know.  When we were discussing something last week I asked Mrs Stace if she had given up on male me.  She said that everyone has given up on male me, and threw the question back.  I said no I hadn’t yet.  I wonder if I am trying to convince myself of that, or if it’s the truth?

I told her that I knew where I should be, but wasn’t sure about the cost – but didn’t go into details.  I didn’t think she needed the pressure when making her own decisions.  My therapist convinced me that wasn’t the right route – that I should show her how much she means to me, just make sure that it’s not said in a pressuring way.  I tried last night and almost succeeded in keeping it free of pressure, we discussed it for too long and in too much depth – but she did say that she was glad I told her.

Anyway that was the not so great.  It’s still going around my head – and I still have no idea what I am going to do.  But the fact that I have discussed it, and that Mrs Stace knows everything that is going on in my head now has taken the edge off a little.

So that is the reason why I’ve been a little quiet.  I’ve needed to write this post, but not known how to do it.    It may be lacking in structure, but pouring my thoughts out seems to have been the only way to do it.  It wouldn’t feel right if I tried to edit it into something coherent.

Anyway – it hasn’t all been bad.  I’ve had a couple of good weeks in the office – it’s been busy in a good way; enough to do, and with lots of thinking involved – not just mindless tasks.  I spent time testing a new monitor (we have been complaining about our monitors for years as they are too cheap and nasty to use for coding.  And the next day 30 22” high resolution monitors were delivered.  I was amazed at the speed that it suddenly happened – no budget for months then on Monday I was asked for input into a monitor, Tuesday I tested and Wednesday we had new ones.  And we have a room full of happier developers.

And finally to close it off…  I’ve spent the last two mornings (I started this on Friday morning and am finishing it now on the Sunday morning) with a bit of a hangover.  We went for a night out as a team after work on Friday – shooting some pool followed by a nice meal.  It was a great night out – the only problem was that I didn’t get much sleep and did drink a glass of wine too much.  Then yesterday we went to see a friend of ours.  Who has exactly my taste in wine (the very nice white that we took with us just happened to be the same that she had cooling in the fridge for drinking with dinner, and the one she had open was one of my favourites that I’m slowly running out of as our supplier can’t get any more.  We sat and chatted for the evening, it was a lot of fun – but we managed to work our way through a bottle each, and I was still recovering from the day before.

This afternoon we say goodbye to some family – Mrs Stace’s cousin is visiting from Australia (her family moved out there years ago).  We are having a last get together at her parents place before they leave in the morning.   Should be a good afternoon, I just hope that I can make it without being pressured into having a drink :)a

First support meeting

Well, back from the first meeting.  It was a lot to take in, and to be honest I’m still processing it through my head.  But on the whole it was positive – and I’ll be going back next month.

I was late leaving, forgot to get cash for drinks during the afternoon, and struggled with my hair.  Mrs Stace came with me to the local shops to get me some money and then she walked home (it was close to home, and good weather I hasten to add!) – I’m not quite ready to walk into a shopping centre and get cash just yet.

Then I had to go 10KM out of my way due to the Amsterdam Marathon that was taking place today, and drive down lots of horrible small streets crawling with tourists and cyclists...  I was in need of a drink when I got there, and I couldn’t have anything as I had to drive back afterwards!

But there were a few questions (which I was asked by more than one person at various points of the afternoon) that I am taking as very positive.  I think.  Maybe I’m reading too much into it.  I don’t know – as I say I’m still processing.

The questions:

• When did you have your operation?
• How long have you been on hormones?

The fact that I still haven’t decided *if* I’m going to transition I’m taking this as very positive.  Especially as I don’t wear a wig or forms...

Quite happy.

I guess I'm still a bit of a wimp

This week is therapy week, so Stacy gets to go out again.  There is the positive, I'm looking forard to it (both the stepping out and the therapy session).

But I find myself doing all things to try and make life simpler, that I feel I should not be.  Last night was an example of this.  For various reasons I've been taking the car to work everyday so far this week, I prefer to only use it one or two times a week and use either the motorbike or trains the other days.  So with 60+ miles a day commuting the fuel is dissapearing fast.  I sat in the car yesterday morning trying to calculate likely journeys, likely congestion for the journeys and what fuel I'll need.  There was a possibility that I would need to get fuel on Friday.  I decided I'm not ready for interaction as Stacy just yet and so filled up the car yesterday - which should give me enough to see Tuesday next week.

I feel like such a wimp for doing that...  When does the getting easier start...

Life CV

Well my life CV has just been sent off to my therapist in preparation for my next session.

Was everything there?  Probably not.  But I could go back and rewrite it hundreds of times I think without remembering everything.

It is however one of the most honest and open things I have ever written.  There were tears of hapiness in my eyes from the good times, my wedding day for one, from the bad a sort of detached 'god I hated that time' but nothing more.  I still have to decide if I not getting upset is a good thing, of if the detachment is a bad thing...

My life in 16 pages and 10000 words...

Don't get scared if I don't update for a week or so - I am not going to be able to blog for a week or so!

Progress?

In 12 short hours I'll be driving to Amsterdam, trying to avoid (hah) the rush hour traffic and searching valiently for somewhere to park (bigger hah).

Then in just under 13 hours I'll have my first session with the psychologist (not counting the screening at the VU).  As yet I am stil not scared, starting to get a little nervous maybe, but not scared.

I think coupled to actually making some decisions at the weekend this can be called something approaching to progress.

Or I could just be kidding myself and spend most of the night awake...  You never know.

Well back to watching the outcome of the Dutch elections (which I can legitimately complain about as I don't get to vote as a buitenlander).

Stace

Pulling at the threads...

Going on from my post yesterday:

The comments played on my mind throughout the night – did I word my thoughts badly (serious possibility, I am not the best writer in the word and struggle to get thoughts from my head onto paper), or am I being naive and foolish; or somewhere in the middle.

About the diagnosis from the VU, let’s see if I can get this coherently out of my head.  I know what I am, and I *think* I know what I need to do to move forward with my.  But this is a life changing decision – and if it’s not the right one I am going to be in so much more trouble than I already am at present.  Ergo I will listen to what is said during the diagnostic phase at the VU, but I am not just going to transition because the doctors tell me too.  I think I have worded my decision the wrong way around though - maybe because I am afraid of the impact of the other wording or maybe because I am still thinking everything through.

From what I understood at the open information evening the diagnosis is only a part of the decision from the VU on whether it’s a good idea to go forward.  There is also the consideration of your personality type, psychological strength and ability to deal with the fall out of transition.  If they believe that you are not going to be able to cope with life after transition they tell you.

With that in mind I think that this is more accurate: If the VU tell me they feel I do not have what it takes to cope then I will listen to them, they don’t just close the door and leave you to struggle, they open doors to other therapy to help you.  If they tell me that they think I will be able to cope and that it would be a good idea to transition then I may go down that route.

Hopefully over the course of the next 12 months, with the therapy that starts this week and with the VU, whenever that starts, I can join the dots in my head and know what the right path is.  I am not going to rush into anything blindly.

As for telling my company (my boss and HR), I guess that there are a few reasons. 

First and foremost my performance has been awful for the last 6 months.  60% of what I can do at best.  I love my job, it’s the only job I have had where after 2 years I didn’t feel the need to get out and where I have lasted longer than 2 ½ years (just had my 4 year anniversary in fact).  When waking up at 5:40 every morning the only thing that makes me groan is the fact that it is 5:40, not that I have to go to work.  I would rather that they know why I am performing badly at the moment, than guess at reasons that would not look good for me on my yearly review.

I’d never thought of it as testing the waters to gauge the reaction, but I guess there is an element of truth there as well I guess.   And yes it is a great company to work for – on all counts.

Melissa noted that my colleagues have suspicions and still seem like me.  I had not thought of it that way since I heard the information on Friday night.  Thanks – that has helped me a lot :)

To be honest there is another reason I have told more people now:  I’ve grown tired of hiding.  When someone is asking you seriously what’s wrong and you can’t tell them it just adds to the weight of the problem in my mind, I spiral a little bit further down, and the person asking see’s that I am being cagey and they get either more concerned – which doesn’t help me at all.

Plus I am an ex-pat.  I have two groups of people that I know: in laws and (ex) colleagues.  The colleagues that I have told (with the exception of HR) are the ones that I also see outside of work, which I invite to my yearly summer BBQ.  If I start to transition outside of work those that know about it will be my colleagues.  Those who I trust and who I speak to when I am having issues are my colleagues.  It’s difficult to separate the two unfortunately.  When I was in the UK it was quite a different situation.  I saw my colleagues 9 till 5, Monday to Friday.  I saw my friends in the evening.  I think that’s a very different dynamic to what I have now.  How much of an excuse or how valid that is I am not sure.

I am not sure that is as coherent as I was aiming for, but it felt good to write it down and work it though it in my head.  Thanks to everyone who commented yesterday, thanks for both the support and the questions that have continued to make me think about what I am doing and feeling.

And thanks for caring enough to spend the time writing them.

Stace

Acceptance

Just a quickie today about something that strikes me as odd.  I've gone over bits of it before, but there is new input now.

I don't normally go into Mrs Stace's therapy.  She tells me what she wants to tell me, and I won't blog about it as that is her personal business not mine.

But...

Her therapist came up with something this week that I found interesting.  I've said before that I always thought I accepted that I was trans.  I tried to ignore it certainly, but I always thought that I accepted it.

Her therapist seems to think that this isn't the case.  I said after Tuesday at the VU that it got scary as each step makes it more real to me.  Mrs Stace does not have this problem.  Her husband sitting there dressed and made up kind of makes it real enough for her.

Her therapist says that points to me not accepting it (or rather that she has accepted it better than I have at present), which thinking about it makes sense.  What does that mean for me?  That I have simply acknowledged it? That I am simply terrified for the future and what may lie there?

It also gives me another question.  If I have simply acknowledged it how do you move from that to aceptance?

I have to get the courage to call the therapist in Amsterdam at some point today.  It was a bank holiday yesterday, and both Mrs Stace and I have taken a bridging day to give us a long weekend.  That gives me enough time to call the guy and get something arranged.

We'll see how it goes...

Right now it's too early to call and the sun is shining for the first time this week so I'm going for a skate.

I want to know how you are...

I had a long conversation with my mum again this weekend.  It's something that I had been putting off, as I just did not want to upset her.  She is a long way away, we can't get to Scotland just yet and doing all these talks over the phone can be quite difficult...

She sent me an SMS asking how we were, I waited until the evening and then called back.  I told her that I've not been OK for a few weeks, but that I am climbing out of it now.  And that I didn't say anything as I didn't want to upset her.

Her response was that she doesn't ask how I am to hear that I am fine, she asks because she wants to know how I am doing, and to try and support me the best she can from Scotland.

We talked about all the things that have been on my mind recently, including the suicidal thoughts from my teenage years to now (but not the last few weeks - progress) and the information evening from the VU.

She said that she was not surprised at the suicide - that she understood why those thoughts would go through my mind.

In all in all I think that we were on the phone for more than an hour, we had some laughs along the way, I had more than a few tears.  I explained to her that as much as I thought I had accepted my TG'ness years ago, I guess I am realising that I had not.  I'd acknowledged it, but obviously not accepted it.  That was a milestone in realisation.

One thing that made her laugh was me doing mascara.  I'm imfamous for having hand tremours.  When I tried to join the RAF as a pilot my mum made the joke that she would know which plane was mine as it would go side to side.

Now imagine having shaking hands.  Then trying to do your eyes.  She thought I meant black marks over my face.  I meant occasional 'OW!' moments as the brush suddenly meets eyeball.  She burst out laughing.  She also asked an interesting question.  I hid the fact that I was TG for many years, with the asscociated stress that comes with it.  She was wondering whether, once I am in a good place gender identity wise, would my hand tremous stop (or at any rate reduce a little) as there would be an amount of stress that would be gone.

I talked to my dad about my Spit - since we had a walk and talk just after his Birthday before Mrs Stace and I left them to come back to Holland we have not really talked about it.  He supports me through my mum - giving me advise whilst on the phone ot mum, but hasn't really spoken to anyone about it - including me.  I don't know whether he is bottleing everything up, or whether he is fine...  Mum thinks the former from what I can tell.

But...  The Spit is moving closer to the start line.  The garage is nearly built, almost has power and in a few weeks the Spit should be under cover for the first time in 1/2 a decade ready for a full body off restoration.  My dad and I can talk cars for hours - something that hasn't changed since I told them I'm pleased to say.  In the end mum made him end the conversation as she is terrified about my phone bill.  I have to say at present that is the least of my worries :)

Finally...

I have a new found respect for Nick Clegg.  I saw an interview on Dutch TV last night where they started in English (I think - sometimes I don't notice when people switch between English and Dutch) and he answered them in... Dutch!  He speaks it better than I do!  I know that he has Dutch linage but still, thinking and answering in Dutch when you don't have to - I was very impressed.  As Mrs Stace pointed out - imagine what was going on in the minds of his supporters.  There he was being interviewed, on TV and probably the only people who could understand him were the TV crew from NOS.

Tough times...

Not a good post today I'm afraid. I'm trying to work through several issues, and figure out where on earth I am supposed to go with them.

In my last post I said I had highs, lows, pain and fun. I pretty much covered the three of the four (and incedently still in a little pain from the run...)

The lows I haven't really touched.

The last month of so has been really bad, GD wise. I can't concentrate, have been back on the valdispeert, my anxiety has peaked again. My work has suffered, and my life outside work has been affected.

Things have really gone south this week. Saturday I could not concentrate on *anything* except the constant anxiety over my GD. I am a telly addict to a degree. I like Saturday nights on BBC 1 (Total Wipeout, Doctor Who, Over the Rainbow) I don't remember anything about the first, the only thing I remember about the second is that it was not the strongest episode I have seen, and the third I just could not get into. I was just totaly inside myself.

Sunday was not too bad, thankfully. The run put the thoughts out of my head somewhat for most of the day and then I got changed when I got home and found peace. I was me. For the whole evening. Not just with the clothes, but totally - I find it hard to explain. But it was the firs time in a while I had shaken the anxiety.

Then that night I felt really guilty about only being anxiety free in that situation - it doesn't bode well for being able to cope now does it. Monday was a nightmare day. Couldn't think about anything, went for lunch with the colleague that I told recently to talk about it more. He would make a great psycologist... However, it brought the thoughts of the night before to the front again. I spent the evening in anxiety mode again, only this time the pills did little to control the physical side of the anxiety. I felt I really needed to dress again and shoot for the same feeling I had Sunday night, but I didn't want to take Mrs Stace's husband away for the second time in two days.

She told to get changed anway if it would help, but then I remember I had to clean the rabbit, and I wasn't going to go into the garden dressed.

That night I told her of my thoughts about not sure how I am going to be able to cope. Neither of us slept well. Me worse than her and at 3am I went to the spare room so as not to disturb her any more.

Tuesday was an absolute zombie day. Not being able to think, and being totally exhausted.

Yesterday went pretty much the same.

Then Mrs Stace told me about something her colleague said regarding regarding death. And I ended up telling her the suicidal thoughts that I have had over the years, many years, since before I was twenty.

Now, I have never *seriously* considered it - I don't want anybody to worry - but standing at train stations I have thought about how a quick jump would stop the constant issues in my head. Or when driving over high bridges etc etc.

After I told her I cried a little - something I can't do very often. I feel that my life is good, if you take a way the GD. But if I feel life is so good why on earth would I work out the best way to end it? And when I go for my first appointment at the VU (that I *hope* to arrange within the next week or two) how on earth is the phychiatrist going to react to that. I can't hide it from them oibviously, but it doesn't sound particularly sane in my head.

I have to say, telling Mrs Stace last night helped a lot. And I do feel better today than I did the last few days.

Guilt squared

Well after the joy and fun of the last few days I came down to earth with a bit of a bump yesterday.

I actually had a great day, but a couple of incidents left me feeling quite guilty.

The second (less important to me, but it still got to me) was yesterday evening. I arrange to meet someone I used to work with to watch the Six Nations match between England and Scotland. We met at the station and got chatting about how she was doing, after being unemployed for a number of months she has finaly got a job and she was radiant with it. She asked about how things were going for me, she knows about the recent re-organisation which has left me with a team dedicated to mainly small maintenance - which is not the most exciting of work. She asked if I was OK with that and I just said yes I could do with the simple life for now. She then asked if everything was OK at home and I just said yes fine. I hate lying, but there is no way I would come out to her, and I can't say how things are at home without mentioning it. It just felt wrong and got to me a little on the way home.

The first was yesterday afternoon. Mrs Stace was getting ready, putting her contacts in in front of the mirror. I stood behind her giving her a hug and kissing her neck. She smiled and then suddenly got a strange look on her face. I asked too much too soon? She said no, but looking at my reflection in the mirror I just looked so much like a boyish woman.

She was not being nasty, she wasn't angry. But she looked hurt and confused. I felt awful for her. But... The guilt comes from me taking it as a compliment. I felt terrible for her, but to me it was such a nice thing to hear. I feel like such a git for taking it that way - but I can't see it in any other light no matter how hard I try.

Good news, bad news and running into celebrities

Well what a week this has been...

Back to work after a weeks sick leave - trying to catch up with the mess that happened when I was not here. I don't know whether to take the fact that things fall apart when I'm not here as a compliment or whether it means I am not doing my job right in the first place...

I UPS'd my new amp back to the UK on Tuesday. Brought a nice amp, very happy with the sound and then it broke. Called the shop (in Leicester), they called Cyrus, they said call the importer in Holland who will fix it under the european gurantee. They said we are not touching it. After a lot of discussion it was posted directly to Cyrus on Tuesday, who have said three weeks minmum to fix it...

Wednesday I nearly outed myself to my whole dance class apparently. Since coming out to all my close family I have become to be a lot less mindful of my mannarisms, I haven't started to do feminine manarisms, I've stopped conciously making myself have male manarisms (I've started to relax in their company more) unfortunatley I've also started to relax in other company which I hadn't realised... During the break in the class Mrs Stace and I were talking to the other couples and apparently the way I was holding my arms against my chest were not quite as masculine as I normally try to come over. Add to that long, shaped nails (the only outward sign I give - I stopped biting my nails and love them now - but they are just past the brink of being too long for a man I think) and oops. I don't think anyone noticed - Mrs Stace just pointed it out by making the same guesture dramatically to me when we were all walking off, with a smile I might add.

Yesterday the estate agent came around and looked around the house.

The good news - the house is quite saleable. It's in good condition (except the kitchen) in a good neighbourhood and is a good size (for a Dutch house). It has gone up in value since we brought it.

The bad news - the kitchen will put buyers off because the rest of the house is in too good a condition, it is the only thing that would stop someone simply moving in rather than having to work on it first. For the target market (my age group) this is a downer.
If we put a new kitchen it would help sell the house, but we would lose 5K between the cost of the it and the increase in value of the house.
It has gone up in value - but only to the extent that we would cover the mortgage rather than actually make any money (In Holland you normally take a mortgage to cover the house and costs of buying for your first house rather than putting a big deposit down and paying the costs out of your pocket)

This does mean that one of us taking the mortgage over becomes a real possibility (esp as the mortgage is 200 a month less than I thought we paid - yes I know that I should know these things having signed for it 5 years ago, but it's a direct payment so I don't really thing about it now). I think that we both prefer the option of one of us taking it as opposed to selling it on.

But if we do that it is not fair to the other person to fit a kitchen now out of our joint savings. Swings and roundabouts.

That was a lot to take in, and I think it's going to be a few weeks before we have it worked through in our heads, what with everything else that is going through them.

I also had a conversation with Mrs Stace last night about how surreal everything seems at the moment. Here we are discussing splitting up after 10 years (6 of them married) like we are discussing the weather. No arguments, no pot throwing, no shouting. Just rational discusions. Whilst sitting cuddling on the sofa, or at the table over food. It seems very odd to still be so in love with each other and still talking about these subjects. She agrees. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to shout and scream at each other - there bad things lie - but it just seems surreal.

And then to prove myself a hypocrite I had to stop that direction of thought as it had me on the verge of tears at the end of the conversation.

We'll see. I'm neither optimistic, nor pessimistic, just numb and trying to get through the days. Please don't feel too sorry for me just yet - most of the time I don't. I've cried, will cry more in the future probably, but as we are still quite close I'm trying not to worry about what the future holds just yet.

And finally (as they like to say on the news)...

I work in Hilversum - Media City they call it (well mediastad actually but I translated). There are lots of celebs around, and indeed my office is just 2 mins from the MediaPark where most of the TV stations have thir studios etc.

Even so I was a little surprised when a Ducth rapper / TV Presenter Lange Frans ran into me this morning. Quite surprised as I was stopping for a red light at the time...

When swapping names and addresses I thought I know you... So when I got to the office I googled his name and sure enough it came back as him. Drives a lot more down to earth car than I would have expected (2.0D Merc C class). Thankfully Volvo make good towing hitches so it seems the damage is limited to replacing that - the towing ball has been bent by an inch or so and nothing on the car itself. So I have his address, phone number and on Monday I should have his insurance details as well :)

Have a good weekend all,
Stace

Two thought provoking entries

I've just read a couple of entries from two people:

Mixed Emotions by Chrissie
Gay No But I Am Queer by Julia

Chrissie's posting deals with her divorce finalisation having a date in court now, and the emotions that that brings up, plus looking forward to the future.

I really wanted to put something supportive in the comments - but when the window came up nothing was there to type. I ended up putting something that's probably comes across as trite - and for that I appologise.

I think there are two reasons why it wasn't happenning:

1) I can only empathise... As yet I have not going through anything like this, and have no idea what to say to people.
2) It's a little close to the possibilities of home at the moment. This afternoon I have an estate agent coming to value the house this afternoon, and to tell us if we should refit the kitchen if we are going to sell later in the year

Ergo I'm a little numb. Mrs Stace is struggling. She accepts me for who and what I am - but therein lies our problem. Even is not dressed she knows that I am not a man, even if I never transition she knows that I am not a man. She sees the inner me. And she is not a lesbian.

Time will tell if she can get over it I suppose. I dressed for the first time since telling her on Sunday - I duscussed it with her first. She asked me not to wear a skirt, I agreed.

We spent time cuddling during the evening, and she got her own back on my by flicking my bra strap open. We were both nervous, but made it through unscathed. This has allowed me to hope that she can come to terms with me - but it's a long way from a done deal, and as put above has nothing to do with whether I transition. Time will tell, as will her therapy that starts 1st March.

Then there was Julia's post.

As I put in my comment there I have never wondered if I was gay. From my ealiest memories I knew I should have been a girl, and spent an amount of time playing with girls when growing up.

When it comes to attraction though it is more complicated. I am not attacted to men in boy mode. In any way shape or form. However, in girl mode I have had my share of crushes - Phillip Scofield, Pierce Brosnan and recently David Tennent to name a few. But all of them in Femme mode. I can't imagine being with a man as a man - that does not fit in my head at all. As a woman however, that's different. Stacy definately has crushes on both men and women.

This is something that I have not yet told Mrs Stace or my parents. It confuse me as I've always said that male me and Stacy are one and the same person, but does this invalidate that point. It's hard enough for me to get my head around it, it seems very odd and weird... Is it?

Stace

Another, better, phone call

I got back home on Tuesday evening to an answer phone message from my mum asking how I was. I'm thinking that she guessed I was as upset as them when we had finished the call on Sunday.

I called her back last night when I got in from work, we go to dance lessons on Wednesday and calls with my parents take a long time when we are talking about nothing, let along when it 'something'. So I had to assume she wasn't at work at what would have been really early in the UK.

Thanksfully she was not working afternoons and picked up.

She wondered why I was calling, and took a moment to register that she had left me the message yesterday.

Asked how I was, I said I was fine (typical English response) and followed it with except for on the train on the way home where I almost cried, on the bus where it got closer and walking home when I did cry. She asked why, I said because sometimes I can't see how I can cope not changing, I can't see how Mrs Stace can cope even if I don't and was just seeing everything falling apart. Some days it's really bad, yesterday was one of those days.

She has decided that she should see someone to find out more and to get help (I'm so pleased she has decided to do this) and went through what her and my dad are currently feeling. The word she used, as I have read a lot online, is grieving for her lost son. But she didn't spend any time telling me that I wasn't this call.

She had some questions though to try and help her understand:

1) When I was there over New Year I only shaved a couple of times: How can you stand to have facial hair if you feel that way
2) In the mornings when making coffee you went into the kitchen just wearing trousers, a lady wouldn't do that

Answer to the first was easy - I had forgotten my electric razor, and as my beard (if you can call it that) grows so slowly I can't wet shave more than once every two days. As I went for a special reason I had to time my shaving to travel + those days which meant I could not shave when I wanted.

The second is more problematic. I have a mans body, I have lived for 33 years as male. Whilst I am not comfortable taking my top off in everyday life this was in my parents house at 7 in the morning when getting fully dressed just to get a senseo coffee and go back to bed would have caused comment. Is that thinking normal for someone in my position?

But it wasn't full on contradicting what I think as it was on Sunday.

We then discussed a few other things. Again her saying she wanted to be able to do something pro-active to help me. She is upset that I must have lived such an awful life. I corrected her here. I hated my time in school, that much is true. But I have a job I like, a wife I love, a nice house to live in and a life that in general isn't bad. It it was the the decision to transition would be much simpler, but I have so much good in my life it makes life difficult (I appriciate that's an oxymoron).

We talked about the rock and hard place from this: Don't know how to live as current me, don't want to think about losing Mrs Stace. As either way is not really 100% happy and as that's what she wants for me she doesn't know what to say.

She also said that me changing would not make her and dad happy as they would be losing their son completely, and even if I transitioned how could she shake the fact that I am the son she gave birth to, but if that is what it takes to make me happy they'll support me 100%. I did point out that keeping that attitude (and keeping it) helps me more than anything else they can do...

We talked about my brother finding out (arrived there from the good life with friends etc). I said I can only think of one or two in the entire family that would *possibly* be OK with it. She has different thoughts there. If it ever reaches them knowing we'll find out.

I ended saying that there was one thing she said on Sunday that did make me feel very happy. The fact that when she said I was two people and used both names. Stupid little thing but that lifted my spirits no end. She answered that she didn't think it was stupid and that's just who I am so of course it's nice to hear.

Hopefully with the right information from a decent therapist they can work though this is a good way.

Anyway - I had better end here. I'm starting to get tearful again in a room full of people.

Update: I was starting to get tearful, but not in a bad way (I don't think)! At least I didn't feel really upset... Don't worry is what I am trying to say in a roundabout way

I think that's everyone for now...

Well I think that I can almost start to relax again... On Monday night Mrs Stace got a call from her mother saying that she would be going to my sister in laws for food on Tuesday, which is a long standing arrangement for us.

Something positive happened that night... I spent an hour pacing the living room in a panic, and poping Valdispert pills again to calm me down before going to bed. So far so bad... But I slept reasonably well. I sleep badly at the best of times, but the night before seeing my sister in law for the first time I only managed 2 hours. So sleeping almost normally (for me) I see as a breakthrough.

I had a hellish day in the office, still catching up after the Christmas break, and doing a presentation to a room full of poeple about the new TFS server that I have configured (I *do* not do well in front of people - even if i have worked with them for a number of years - cue more Valdispert). Once that was done I went into panic mode again. Popped a few more pills (they are herbal and non addictive, not real drugs) and left.

When I got there my mother in law wasn't... This put me back a little - when you are bracing yourself for emotional overload and it doesn't happen it can hit you quite hard. Spoke to my sister in law (who has spoken to her mother about me since I last saw her on Saturday) who said I shouldn't be worried, whilst she would have preferred me to say everything before I married her daughter she knows it wasn't some deliberate scheme to ruin her life...

When she turned up (my mother in law that is) we said hello and kissed (as the Dutch do) and that was that. Nothing bad, nothing at all actually. Once I calmed down the evening went very well.

Towards the end of the evening my sister in law (ever the subtle person) asked if the pills had worked for the evening. My mother in law simply asked why I needed those and said I shouldn't worry.

When we gave her a lift home and said goodbye she just told me that everything will be alright.

Everyone in the family has said not to worry about my father in law - as he won't say anything either positive or negative as he just doesn't talk about things, and that he is also fine. I'm still nervous before meeting him for the first time...

The only thing for me was that *nothing* was said about it. I wonder if more will be said when it's just me and Mrs Stace - an actual conversation about it, or if it's just there now and so be it...

A long discussion withg my in laws

I've just noticed how long this post is getting - appologies in advance...

Well... For now everybody that is going to know about me knows. May parents, my parents in law and my sister in law and her husband.

I still don't klnow where my parents in law are, but they are naturally worried about their daughter, and the fact that she is only 33 - but that by the time we have some sort of solidity in our lives she could be in be in her late thirties. And that those are very important years for women.

They are also angry at me for not telling her everythign earlier. I can understand that as well.

We are supposed to be getting together sometime over the next week or two for the first time, that will lead to some sleepless nights again I imagine.

As for her sister... Mrs Stace told her on Friday over the phone. She didn't want to, but when she said she wanted to come for a chat just the two of them her sister panicked, and said that she had t know. I do like the way that she told her though... 'Remember at the vacation house where S said he had given up beer since finding out how many calaries there are in a bottle, and you said "Are you a girl as well", well he is'

She arranged that we would both go over the next day, and that I would stay with my borther in law and the kids whilst they went for lunch and a chat.

Cue another sleepless night.

We got there, everyone could see how terrified I was (apparently whilst being a good actor for the last 30 years I can't hide that :) ), so Mrs Stace and her sister went early for lunch. I had a rather uncomfrtable lunch with my brother in law, my neie and nephew.

Once my nephew was in bed (he was 1 on the same day my dad was 60), my brother in law started the discussion (using very vague words as my nearly 4 year old neice was still in the room). It was a very open discussion (and at some point she fell asleep and I fell from Dutch into English) and so got more specific. It was totally what I needed - he has no issues with it and we had a discussion about the idea of the gender spectrum. He totally beleives in that and knows that whilst he's not TG he does certainly have some femanine traits. He also said something which was great to hear, but harder to actually live with. 'If someone has an issue with what you are that is not your issue, it's their issue.' I agree, but it's still hard to live with - I have this overwhelming need to be liked by people and it really bothers me when someone doesn't...

The girls got back and I had a big hug from my sister in law. They asked if we wanted to stay for food.

We ate and just as we were putting the kids to bed the lights went out (100,000 homes without power in that part of South Holland apparently). After spending an age lighting candles and making tea on the stove we sat in the sofa and my sister in law says 'Well S, you gave us some big news then'

We spent the next thee hours talking (my sister in law and brother in law are much better at talking than me and Mrs Stace and so they led most of he conversation with questions etc). It was very calming to talk about it so openly (despite nearly crying a number of times). I think one of the best comments that came out was when my sister in law asked if I wanted to dress outside of the house as well as in. I said 'Not at the moment, I'm not going to turn up next week in a skirt.' She said you can if you want, we'll just have to explain to B (my neice).

I said it was odd to tell all of this, and everybody pointed out that once you get over the first hurdle of telling people you are TG, telling them that you prefer wones clothes etc is kind of a 'well, duh' moment as if you feel you are a women, then it's obvious and natural that you want the rest.

All in all it was wonderful to be so open, and last night for the first time in a week or so I slept like a log.

Now just meeting my parents in law for the first time after them finding out... They spoke to Mrs Stace yesterday when the power came back on, and were pleased that everything went OK today, and that everything was more or less normal (apart from when I first arrived). I'm hoping that is a good sign for when I meet with them next week or so...

Happy New Year All!!!

Hey All,

Well back from the Christmas and New Year vacations with both sides of the family. Got a few stories that I'll share over the next week or so :)

The main thing was that I came out to my parents... I had half decided to do it, seeing as we were going as a surprise for his 60th I thought telling them the day after was a good idea (His birthday is on the 2nd January and we left on the 4th).

But... (And this may sound familiar to those that have read other posts over the last few weeks) Halfway through New Years eve I had a panic attack and ended up doing it then.

They have both been great... I told my mum first who's first words were 'I know, I've always known' - pointing out that I didn't do the things that little boys did as a child. Ater talking about whether to tell dad she went and fetched him. I told him and then broke down... I don't think I have ever hugged my dad like that before, or cried into his shoulder like that before. He was also fine - although he did keep on saying that having the heart attack in August puts things into a whole new perspective. I am not sure how fine he would have been before then (Mum ays he would have been fine anyway, and he says he would probably have been fine...)

After an hour and a half with them we went back into the living room (Where Mrs Stace was watching TV - having guessed what what going on). A couple of glasses of Welsh Single Malt later to see in the new year we called it a night.

Over the next couple of days I had more discussions with them. Some of them better than others. My mum is worried that that I am going to transition without thinking, and thinks that I have too many male personality traits to transition. Personally (and this sounds nasty I know) I can't help but feel that those traits come from being told constantly as a chile that 'Boys don't do that' and that 'Boys do this, and play with those toys'. I appreciate that she was trying to stop me getting bullied more than I already did at school, but that comment about the personality traits didn't help my head.

She has since had a discussion with Mrs Stace, who told me what was discussed - which helped.

I had a long discussion with my dad when we went for a walk in the new year, he seems really fine with everything - something that I was not expecting. He hopes that me and Mrs Stace can work things through - as he and my mum feel that we are a great couple. But if not they'll be there, no matter what I decide to do for he future. Even if it is a long distance being there.

And I spent a lot of time appologising for ruining his birthday - which they both kept on telling me I didn't do...

Update: Currently sitting here having kittens... Mrs Stace is at her parents house giving her mum the news...