Just promise me one thing...

Well after a very odd week (up and down like a rollercoaster) and a depressed post a couple of days ago it definately ended on a high.

After weeks of lathargicness, and inability to exercise (when I tried I did half of what I normally did and ended up so exhausted I couldn't even get off of the sofa to get a drink for 30 mins) I finally got back into the swing last weekend.

Saturday I skated for the first time (no snow!) and managed 6km's, sunday I went running and also managed 6km's. Not the quickest I've ever done the 6KM's in question - but a good start. And I managed to join in the office running training group for the first time this year (I missed the first 4 due to a mixture of illness and appointments).

Hopefully today I'll get a chance to go skating again - I have to say I do prefer it to running...

And the high?

I called my parents last night (I have odered them a Wii and Wii Fit Plus from amazon and the first half arrived last night). We chatted about the Wii and general stuff, and then got on to the subject of me (god that sounds self obsessed...). I wanted to know if they had decided to speak to anyone. Turns out my mum has, but my dad doesn't have anyone just yet.

Mum told her best friend, she picked this friend as they have a good relationship and she is married to someone with a gay son. Her friend took it well, and they have had a good talk. Mum says that once she told her she felt like a weight had been lifted (sound familiar anyone?) so it's really done her good. Her friend said that she wouldn't tell her husband, but mum said no, please do - "his dad needs someone to talk to as well, and it would be nice if we could all talk about this together if needed".

She's been to her doctor who is going to try and get hold of the books that doctors use for dealing with transgendered people, and try to find a professional for them to speak to. The problem I have here is that they may have to pay, which they have said they will do. But they are not the highest paid people and I feel really guilty at them having to pay out because of me. I would offer to pay for them, but if the worst happends between Mrs Stace and I then I do not know *if* I can afford to do that for them as I'll have some quite big bills coming.

I found out that she has also told her boss - she was having some bad days at work - who has apparently also been fine about it, and offered help if and when mum needs it.

And someone who she will never tell: another one of her good friends. Whilst at work the son a a resident (she works in a care home) who is gay was helping his dad into a chair in the sun and she made a comment. Not in itself homophobic, but said in a way that made mum decide that she wouldn't know. It's a shame she has that attitude about people who are different as it is another clsoe friend of mum who keep son offering help as she can see something is bothering her.

Then I got on to two people who I feel I have to tell (why does you brain do this to you, who do you have the *need* to tell people?).

The first is my brother. I said I would never tell him, but I feel that it is just not on. He is the only close family member that does not know - and I feel that it not fair on him. I would not want to find out at some point in the future that everybody knew except for me, and I can't do that to him. I have no idea how he is going to take it, and I have to wait as well as I am not going to do it over the phone and I do not know when I am going to see him again.

And the other is my boss. I just can't keep on doing the cloak and dagger discussions when we discuss how I am doing. He'll be fine with it I'm sure. Whilst running we had a great conversatioin about Dutch politics. (The Dutch goverment fell a week ago). He said that he always voted liberal 'because it's always better that someone is who they, than they struggle to fit into someones arbitary stereotype that has been imposed on them'. That was very nice to hear as you can imagine.

We discussed how to tell both of them (I am so relieved that I can discuss this with my parents). Bascically with my brother I just have to tell him face to face. Either he is going to take it well, or he is going to flip and walk off.

My boss... We think that asking him to go for a drink after work one day and telling him outside of the office envronment is likely to be the best idea. I'm going to speak to him on Monday I think.

By this point their food had been ruined (more guilt for me that mum said don't be daft - they'd never hang up on me when discussing something like this) and they had to get ready for a long trip they are probably on as I write this (my brother has given them a car from his lot at cost and is driving to Glasgow to swap it with mums current car) so I had a quick chat with dad and we called it a night - I'm going to call them on Sunday and set up a web chat so I can help them put thier Wii on the TV.

And the Promise of the title?

Half way through the talk mum said their was one thing she was scared of (I thought she was going to say if you decide to transition). What she was worried about was 'If you decide to transition that you start to dress outragously' She is worried that I am going to go all out OTT and end up a media interpretation of a transsexual. So I told her what my style is (I'm Smart Casual in bloke mode and Smart Casual in Stacy mode. The style doesn't change, just the clothes. She asked what smart casual was so I told her my favorite outfit (My new heels - 2 1/2 inch stilettos, not too high, skin or black tights, a beige canvas above the knee skirt and a black top). Basically what a 33 year old woman could wear to the office. That pleased both of us. Her knowing what my style is, and me discussing an outfit for Stacy with my mum.

Well I think I've waffled long enough her... Have a good weekend all!

Two thought provoking entries

I've just read a couple of entries from two people:

Mixed Emotions by Chrissie
Gay No But I Am Queer by Julia

Chrissie's posting deals with her divorce finalisation having a date in court now, and the emotions that that brings up, plus looking forward to the future.

I really wanted to put something supportive in the comments - but when the window came up nothing was there to type. I ended up putting something that's probably comes across as trite - and for that I appologise.

I think there are two reasons why it wasn't happenning:

1) I can only empathise... As yet I have not going through anything like this, and have no idea what to say to people.
2) It's a little close to the possibilities of home at the moment. This afternoon I have an estate agent coming to value the house this afternoon, and to tell us if we should refit the kitchen if we are going to sell later in the year

Ergo I'm a little numb. Mrs Stace is struggling. She accepts me for who and what I am - but therein lies our problem. Even is not dressed she knows that I am not a man, even if I never transition she knows that I am not a man. She sees the inner me. And she is not a lesbian.

Time will tell if she can get over it I suppose. I dressed for the first time since telling her on Sunday - I duscussed it with her first. She asked me not to wear a skirt, I agreed.

We spent time cuddling during the evening, and she got her own back on my by flicking my bra strap open. We were both nervous, but made it through unscathed. This has allowed me to hope that she can come to terms with me - but it's a long way from a done deal, and as put above has nothing to do with whether I transition. Time will tell, as will her therapy that starts 1st March.

Then there was Julia's post.

As I put in my comment there I have never wondered if I was gay. From my ealiest memories I knew I should have been a girl, and spent an amount of time playing with girls when growing up.

When it comes to attraction though it is more complicated. I am not attacted to men in boy mode. In any way shape or form. However, in girl mode I have had my share of crushes - Phillip Scofield, Pierce Brosnan and recently David Tennent to name a few. But all of them in Femme mode. I can't imagine being with a man as a man - that does not fit in my head at all. As a woman however, that's different. Stacy definately has crushes on both men and women.

This is something that I have not yet told Mrs Stace or my parents. It confuse me as I've always said that male me and Stacy are one and the same person, but does this invalidate that point. It's hard enough for me to get my head around it, it seems very odd and weird... Is it?

Stace

Phone calls...

Well I'm working from home again, third time lucky for the guy from Sealskin to fix the shower cubicle... He's been and gone and so I am working as Stace yet again.

About 30 mins ago I got a call from the phone company offering to transfer my internet connection to them with a nice discount. I am actually interested in doing this, so listened and answered. Once again I was mistaken for Mrs and not Mr. :) That meant I could do my normal walking whilst talking wihtout having to struggle out of my shoes whilst still holding the phone.

I had a long conversation about what I could and couldn't do, all the time en femme. It was actually quite nice. Except... The assumption that I had absolutely 0 technical knowledge. Whether that was because they thought they were speaking to a woman, or because the woman on the end of the phone also had limited technical knowledge I am not sure - but it did stand out that when I asked what type of modem the subscription came with I was told 'One that you do not even need cables to use it with your computer, and that you can use multiple computers with'.

I wanted to know if it was gong to be as reliable as my LinkSys one that I have at present - but without a model number I gues I am not going to find that out.

Ho hum. To be honest I just quite enjoyed taking the en femme role on once she thought I was a she...

Shoes, shoes and more shoes

We are redecorating ad hoc things around the house at the moment and one of the items up for discussion is the shoe rack. Working out the amount of shoes gave me a little surprise...

I own way more shoes than my other half. And they are not even en femme shoes (although they are mainly womens :) ). I have a couple of pairs of boots, a pair of hicking boots, a pair of hand made shoes (the only ones that fit me properly that are actually also mens shoes - brought for my wedding day, 2 pairs of boat shoes, 2 pairs of *everyday* trainers, a pair of running trainer, a pair of indoor court trainers, a pair of canvas shoes and a pair of deck shoes. Plus a pair of boots for in the bike a a pair of wall climbing shoes.

I make that 14 pairs. And I think I may have forgotten something...

I can only think that is too many... Or can men now buy as many shoes as they like?

Oh and well done Jenson!!!!!

Ouch!

Well what do you know... More than a week without a post and then two in one day...

I just wanted to post this for two reasons...

One to say how do you mix crossdressing and DIY? (Not at the same time I have to add) I've just removed most of my knuckles removing tiles from the bathroom wall and left my hand that rough that I'm worried if I put anything other than 60 deniers tights on I'd rip them to shreds in seconds if I tried to put them on now :)

The second... Slightly more thought inducing. I have a colleage who I get on with very well. Most of the time. But over the last week I've taken to eating salads for lunch. Partly because I was bored with sandwiches, and partly because I want to loose weight! This guy now spends a few mins each lunch telling me to get some testosterone instead of eating this womens food. What can I say 'little does he know.' But, I have to say it also winds me up to some extent - but there is nothing I can say about it. I certainly couldn't tell say that to him :)

Anyway... That's all for now... Not trying to be negative here - still shining brightly for now.