I feel so guilty!

I had an external meeting this morning at one of our suppliers; we are looking into changing our database server and wanted to know what the possibilities are.  As it's a difficult thing to get across via email between 4 people I thought it would be a better idea to get everyone around the same table and get some ideas flowing.

I arrived a few minutes before the DBA, buzzed the reception and let them know who I was there to visit and was let into the car park.  Seeing as I had a few minutes before he would arrive I spent my time checking mails and blogs (Smart phones are wonderful, I hate being without mine now - though Mrs Stace does not always see it that way when I am constantly checking it in the evenings...)

Anyway back to the story, the DBA arrived and we had a quick chat about what we wanted from the meeting and went inside. At the reception and let them know we were there, got our visitor badges and waited for out service manager to come down and take us to the meeting room.

When he arrived he was started a conversation with the receptionist about another visitor - I only caught half the conversation but it seems that someone was missing.  I assumed that this would be their logistic and architecture guru who was going to tell us what our options were; after all they are spread across multiple locations and it is not unlikely that they would have to travel across Amsterdam to get to the meeting.

He collected the DBA and myself and led us through the meeting room where he explained that we may be joined by a mystery guest!  Apparently a woman had buzzed to be let into the car park 5 or 10 minutes before we walked into reception but the only people to walk into the building were my colleague and myself.  It was a mystery as he was not expecting any other external visitors that day.

I worked out the time in my head and almost cracked up.  It was me.  I had buzzed reception and then waited for my colleague to arrive - which was 5 or 10 minutes.  Then we walked into the building together and she must have assumed that we arrived together.  Whilst waiting in the car park there was no one else who arrived.

Why the guilt?  There were three other people in the room who didn't know this and I could not explain it to them either - I'm not that out yet!  When we left they were still trying to work out who it could have been.  I did tell the DBA when we left, after all he knows Stacy, and he cracked up - he assumed I had accidentally said Stacy when arriving - to be honest I didn't say anything, just that I had a meeting with the service manager.

But the fact that it happened really made for a wonderful morning.  There is nothing like a little validation when you are not looking for it that can perk you up!

Well I guess I don’t need to worry about that then…

This week we decided to change our internet provider, we have just had a glass fibre connection installed and so we started to look at options.  Strangely enough at the moment getting a connection via that is not the best option – but as it was free fitting now, or 400 in the future we thought that there was no point in turning it down.

So earlier in the week we put the order in with the cable provider – TV, phone and internet for less than we are paying at the moment, cheaper calls and on top of that supremely quick connection (120mpbs down and 10 up – fibre would have given us a balanced 50mbps connection for the same money).

We never received a confirmation letter saying that we had our installation date and so I decided to call today, and also to our current provider to see what we can do to cancel the current internet provider but not lose the email that we have had for the last 7 years.

I called the current provider first.  Told her who I was and gave her the information to pull me details up – where she can see the ‘m’ marker and my name.  Still got Mrs the whole time…

After that I called the cable provider to see what had happened with our order.  Here I was very happy, but it was also quite bad customer service - only the situation making it acceptable.

This is something a little official, and Stacy is not yet official so when she called me madam I correct her.  ‘Oh, OK sir’. She told me that the order was lost in the system (not a great start to find out that the web order has disappeared into the ether) and that we would have to put the order in a second time.  ‘So Madam, which package did you want?’  I didn’t correct her a second time and she never switched back from Madam.

So…  Happy because even when I corrected her she still insisted on calling me Madam – as Mrs Stace said afterwards ‘Yes, that is going to annoy you isn’t it?’  Dripping in sarcasm obviously… But what did annoy me was that she didn’t listen when I corrected her.  It’s fine that I am over the moon with it; but I know that the rest of my colleagues would be much less than impressed to have been ignored.

But let’s focus on the good side, if the phone is the hardest test for the voice on the phone then I don’t think I need to worry.  I’ll have to take that up with my therapist – should I still go to a voice coach to improve it?  Or if the voice is taken as female on the phone should I live with what I have and not have to change another part of me?  Is it going to be an issue for those who know him to have the voice that they put with him as her? I do know that people who know me in person say that they can’t hear a woman when I speak.

I know that my other therapist (Mrs Stace thinks I’m greedy in having two) was saying in my last session that my voice and my Adams apple were no barrier, and that when I speak it’s not giving me away at all…

Something to think about….

A day later, a slightly different world

(Apologies to Jenny - this is basically an expanded version of the mail I sent to you yesterday...)

As I posted yesterday I met with my boss, my ex-boss and the woman from HR.  It was something that scared me immensely - almost as much as telling family in fact.  I guess that having an income and a job I really enjoy is also really important...

I spent most of the day wanting to be sick and struggling to concentrate on my work (and either the cold is making a comeback or the stress has started to really get into my throat).  The throat is still there, and I am shattered - whether it is as a result of the stress or an actual cold I am not sure...

I got changed after work, something that took more time than normal - as it was hot and I was stressed things did not go quite as they should.  But after spending too long, and using too much hair spray, my hair was something approaching what it should be.  I know I sound really vain, but having good hair and make-up gives such a massive boost to my confidence still. I wonder when I won't need it as much and I can be up and out in a similar time to Mrs Stace in the mornings (she takes less time than me as him, let alone Stacy and still looks amazing!)

Then when I left I found out that there was a vehicle fire on the motorway and I needed to take a back road detour - what can I say thank god for a friend who pointed me in the right direction to start with and the SatNav which took me the rest of the way.

I got there, went inside and got the table that I had reserved and sat to wait - I have to say it was so great to walk into a place and say 'Hi, I have a table reserved for four people, in the name of Stacy'; and to get no strange looks at the same time it was a bit of icing on the cake.  It wasn't long before my ex boss turned up, he is on vacation today (he leaves for Italy tomorrow) but wanted to come to the meeting as well, after all he has been involved in this now for nearly 18 months.

He commented that it was a little strange in that we have known each other for more than 5 years and it was still me, but it was also meeting me for the first time.  We got chatting about various things when the HR woman turned up.  "You look so different than the image I have in my head, and I mean that in the best possible way!"  I'll take that as a compliment.  I know that she was concerned about meeting me, I had kind of assumed that was going to be part of the problem - the other being that there was no agenda or real aim for the meeting besides introducing Stacy to them.  She did say that she knew I had told her that I was not a drag queen, but a more out there image was still making its way into her head.  I won't blame her for that.

My current boss was late, something last minute happened in the office so he was a few mins late leaving.  He got there, and basically said the same as the HR woman.

We discussed plans for the new year (the point that I expect to transition) and where we expected the problems to come from.  We are an open company, and I think that it will not be a problem per say, but you never know.

As my boss said, the company is responsible for my well-being in the office and obviously they will make sure that I do not suffer any crap from anyone (not his wording, but close enough).  His concern is from people within my team - where the same rule applies obviously - should someone not take kindly to it and refuse to be led by me.  They will be told in no uncertain terms should that happen - but it's not good for my standing as team lead for someone to have to step in.  Hopefully it will not come to that.

At this point I got a wonderful compliment from the HR woman.  In the week between the company being told and me returning to work there are likely to be many discussions (obviously) but seeing as how I look she doesn’t expect any the moment I return to work.  That was very nice to hear, from both view points.

We discussed how to let the full management team know, and how we should tackle it.  Whether to tell them a day before it goes public - or whether to tell them before hand.  Or tell them with the rest of the company.  I think that I am going to take this up with my therapist as I really am not sure.  I do not expect any issues from them though.

The HR woman also asked who did my hair and make up now.  I said that I did everything myself (except cutting it obviously) - 'Wow, oh well done - you do a great job!'  I think I may have been smiling at that point.

After that it was more a discussion about this that and the other.  All in all a nice couple of hours spent in what would be the equivalent of an beer garden in England overlooking the Dutch countryside.

On the way home I was stuck in the traffic jam caused by the lorry fire earlier in the day - it had completely burnt out and damaged the asphalt, so they had to close down most of the motorway and it caused a 8km 1 hour traffic jam.  Whilst I was stuck I called my parents and had a quick chat.  My mum was happy with how everything went and asked me an interesting question.  Given what everyone who has met Stacy has said, at what point am I going to believe it and stop stressing before going out???

Uncomfortable evening...

I think the anti-muse has come to visit my overnight.  Either that or the alcohol and sugar from last night have removed it from my head.  I had a post in my head yesterday, but for the life of me I have no idea what it was…

So here is the reason for the sugar and alcohol instead.

A friend was the first of us to turn 35 and invited a few of us to a ‘Dessert Buffet’ last night.  It was lovely (she is an amazing cook) and there was a huge spread of goodies from brownies with marshmallows, to cupcakes with marshmallows or chocolate chips, a chocolate cake, a poppy seed cake, cheesecake, a strawberry trifle, a strawberry parfait to home-made ice cream and some sorbets with spirits to drizzle over.

I managed to try about half of the things on offer – but as you can imagine they were all quite rich and at a certain point you just can’t do any more!

Near the end of the evening it got very uncomfortable though.  I’m not sure how, but the conversation turned to transitioning, or more precise to a colleague of someone who was.  And it was not a pleasant discussion.  Both Mrs Stace and I kept very quiet (I really do not want anyone there questioning me…) and were extremely uncomfortable.  Not so much hate, more ridicule.  This didn’t feel any better…  The conversation didn’t last very long, but it did leave a lasting bad taste in our mouths.  One thing that did surprise me…  One of the guys there is normally someone who comes out with things that just annoy me.  He is very much a topper type person (from Dilbert) and comes out with some of the most sexist and discriminatory comments.  And I don’t recall him saying much at all during this part of the conversation.

The real shame is that this is someone that Mrs Stace gets on very well with, and we would like to tell – so that Mrs Stace has someone outside of family to talk to.  We haven’t so far as she is known as ‘Radio ’ due to her ability to keep things to herself (last night’s conversation a perfect case in point).  After last night I guess there is another reason why she won’t be told…

After all that has gone well in the last few weeks, this was a real confidence killer...

Second visit to the hospital (and a bit more shopping)

On Monday I went to see my psychologist at he VU for the second time - I can't believe that it's been more than a month before my first visit!

I had decided that I was going to take public transport, both as a step that I think I need to make and because in rush hour I thought it was going to be the easiest way forward.  Right until I looked out of the window and saw how hard it was raining.  Car then.  I can do without turning up soaked to the skin, cold and with make up and hair styling gunk running down my face.

So I manage to park in the correct parking garage this time, rather than getting stuck in the permit holders entrance and turned up in time.

With the subject matter this month is was a very tiring session, thankfully I have a 5 week break before I go back again.

I decided to take advantage of being out as Stacy on the way home.  I want some shoes with a little lower heels that I can walk further in, and saw some lovely ones at Schiphol airport whilst waiting for a train a couple of weeks ago and though that I'd so some shopping as Stace.

That it was at one of the busiest airports in the world added a bit of tension I must admit :)  But there was nothing to worry about - I got my shoes (yay!), and had no problems with anyone.  The shoes are black nubuck Hoegl's, semi open with about a 6cm heel (much short than the 8's I was in ;p) and are *sooooooo* comfortable!

On the way home I stopped at the supermarket to get some milk.  And even had a laugh with the cashier when the guy in front of me took my milk instead of his own (at least he didn't try to take both bottles!)

The two ancillary trips went great, but I was, actually I still am, exhausted from Monday.  Whilst the appointment was not, or didn't seem to be, emotionally draining it was very tiring...

And I am going to try and stop buying shoes now!

Validation and ****ing Modesty

Things have setted down since last weeks stress filled days, thankfully!  I have had many walks with the ICT manager, and his boss the Finance Director and we have something that we can work with.  Time will tell if it's lip service or something that is really going to make a difference, but we'll see.

But... I've had enough good going on outside of work, so I think I'll do some a little catch up post.

I had my hair cut last week, so I got changed at my friends flat, and went to another friends (and ex colleagues) to make food.  When ever we meet up I get fed, his wife refuses to let me pay for her cutting my hair and they have helped me tremendously.  So I though I would pay them back by cooking them food for a change.  Nothing spectacular, just a simple spinach, pesto and cream cheese pasta.

the food went down OK, I had a nice chat with his wife and mother in law; his mother in law agrees with my dad about the length of my skirt - saying just above the knee is too short for a 30 something, but making pains to point out that you shouldn't change what you wear because of someone else's opinion.  But she disagrees with my mum that at 178 I should avoid heels, saying I looked very natural in them - and this being Holland was not overly tall.  I also got a compliment on my legs :)

We went for a drink, and I was completely relaxed in the cafe again, no feeling nauseous this time - just a nice relaxing drink.

The next day was therapy.  So again it was get changed after work and then drive to Amsterdam.  I met a couple of my colleagues neighbours on the way out with nothing more than a cheery hello.  Outside whilst putting the rucksack with my other clothes into the boot so that they would be out of sight when the car was parked a woman came past walking a bike.  We exchanged hello and then she commented on my shoes - I was in opaque tights and black shoes, with wooden looking heels.  She said at first glance she thought I was just walking on the wood as the shoes blend in so well - and how great they looked.  I was flabbergasted! Not only did my Dutch not let me down in my stress, but it was just a great conversation.  I was quite happy driving to my therapists that day :)

We discussed this in therapy, and also the visit to the VU, and how much it relaxed me.  He asked how I got on with the therapist at the VU.  I think that we got on great, there was a click and we had a great conversation during the appointment.  When asking how I had told people I talked of when I told my friend - the first person I told.  The pictures on the screen in the pub of a couple of guys in drag during a party and me saying 'They need to learn how to wear those' and then later following it up with 'I said that as I do'.  At which point the psychologist said 'Yes, I saw that immediately, you certainly do know how to wear one well'

So I said to my therapist (it gets very confusing when you have more than one...) I think that was a compliment.  Probably...  Maybe... Do you think?  At which point he said is a faux cross voice 'Will you stop being so English, so ****ing modest!  Of course it was a compliment - you need to start taking them as such!'

So maybe I need to start...

And lastly, though not deliberately...  A colleague brought some goodies into the office to celebrate his sons birth on Tuesday.  He did something out of the Dutch ordinary, rather than bringing Beschuit met muisjes' with him he brought lots of interesting things with a dollop of chocolate and muisjes in the chocolate (I suggest Googling that, as it's easier than me explaining ;p).  A couple of the guys complained, I commented that at least it meant we got chocolate.  Our web master (who makes lots of such comments, I wonder if he either knows or has an idea...) commented 'That's just another female trait that you have!' (or words to that effect).

I didn't complain :)

A nice end to the week

Well after the stress of Thursday, yesterday actually went really well.

It's the end of the month, and so time for another round of walk'n'talk one2one's with my team.  I really enjoy these walks and discussions with the guys that work in my team.  It gives a chance to give good feedback to them - and get there thoughts and idea's.

This month was even better as we have some projects that are due to start soon - which meant that we could have the discussions about who will do which projects, and how we are going to tackle them.  That and discussions about the R&D projects that I am trying to push my team to do took up all of the discussions today.

What I hadn't counted on though was my choosing the wrong footwear...  I was in my all black outfit yesterday and I normally wear either white trainers (Mrs Stace hates the idea of white trainers with black, but I like the contrast that they provide) or my cowboy boots (that Mrs Stace hates on principle :p).  I went with the boots yesterday, and regretted it after the first walk as the pain started to climb in my feet.

You see you can't get cowboy boots easily in smaller sizes, and so my boots are somewhere between 1 or two sizes too big for me, stuffed with insoles to try and take up the extra room.  But my feet still slip in the boots and after the first loop (2.2KM's) they started to hurt.

Halfway through the second I was worried about blisters starting on the balls of my feet, I've had these the before and I really do think that they are about the worst blisters I have had - on the heels they hurt, but right at the front of the foot it's just awful.

At the end of the third loop I tried to make sure that I was just tried and hide behind my desk for a while to let my feet recover.

Then in the afternoon I had a meeting with ICT to discuss the new way that we are going to set up infrastructure for developers.  Now I normally have an issue with ICT (they were the people that sent me into a tail spin on Thursday) and so I was not really looking forward to the meeting. But...  I have to say it went really well, we were bouncing idea's (and hopefully one idea I had solved an issue I have with the new infrastructure and if they take it up would also make their life easier.  Basically the idea is to move to a VDI environment - where all of the developers have a virtualised desktop stored on a server, rather than having hardware under their desk.  The discussion on how this works put a few of my fears to ground (though I want to see it in action before I am completely convinced).

Whilst I can see it working well for those who only need a desktop, I work from home, on the train and would like a laptop.  Using a server based machine for this is not what I want to do - I don't want to have to be connected to the office in order to work - and so I was against it for those who need to work in the same way as I do.  However, yesterday I was reading a techy web site that discussed desktop caching - having a server based computer, but when you disconnect from the network there is a local version of the machine that allows it all to work seamlessly, without a connection.  Fingers crossed...

We have a demonstration coming up soon, hopefully I'll get to see it working flawlessly and I can put the rest of my fears to rest and try and convince the other developers that it is going to work.  If it doesn't work flawlessly then I don't want to think about how I have to proceed...

And finally, a friend came back to the office after a 4 week vacation and we had a really good natter and catch up just before he left.  He knows, and was asking how it's going, and if I have any issues that he can help with.  Apparently I also have a present coming from Mexico when his wife returns.  he wouldn't say what it was and knowing his sense of humour the mind boggles :)  I don't know whether to be exited or nervous :p

It was a nice end to the day though, and a great end to the week.  Now to see if I can relax over the weekend (I have to finish building the radio control car for my niece - it's almost working, I just need to find all of the screws and clips to make sure it does not fall apart on her)

Have a good weekend all :)

Parental differences...

I had a lovely long chat with my parents again last night.  Well lovely until nearing the end anyway, but more on that later.  I'd planned on giving them a call to say hi and had figured we'd be on the phone for an hour or so - but turned into nearly two in the end, meaning I'm a little tired this morning...

I started with my mum, we talked about how I've been this week (weepy for some reason).  She put it on the stress of Fridays outing.  I'm not so sure. We talked about the therapy session and what not and I started to notice that we deffinately have a changing relationship.  More open for one thing, I can't imagine talking to her so openly 12 months ago.  We also have a lot more of a girly chat when on the phone. Making each other laugh, we do talk about make-up and clothes.  She calls me nasty names for being able to wear heels, where as she can't anymore.  And she said something that I was not expecting, but was such a wonderful thing to hear.

She commented again that I was much more relaxed during the last vacation (I was not pretending to be anything exceot me - I didn't get dressed, but neither did watch the mannarisms etc over the week to make sure I was acting as expected - which is what I normally do), and that the difference in me as a person was instantly visible.  Over the new year when I told her she said whilst she would support me always, she thought my TG'ness (for want of a better phrase) was more dressing, and that she didn't really see the Stacy in me.  She's now changed that around and said that when relaxed it's obvious, and that when she looks at me now she can see the feminine in me, including facial features.  She also thinks I'll make a prettier woman than a handsome man (not sure about the last one, but it was nice to hear anyway - not that I think I'm handsome either...).

Anyway, we were chatting for 45 mins or so and then my dad came on the line.  We didn't speak about 'it' at all, but spent 40 minutes discussing the fact that my airco has died in the car, the cost of oil services on modern cars, fuel economy, power and torque and the interviews I spent nearly all day doing for developers, and what you would trust an apprentice just out of college with in a garage (neat way to get across my point with a couple of the applicants).  In the background I could my mum telling him to stop talking cars, no chance :)

Then when he was about to go my mum said she wanted another word.  First she said that she wanted to make sure that there was nothing I could not discuss with her, she has experience of the possible future from her time at Leicester General, and that there was nothing that I could say that would shock her.  I pointed out that I think I past that point on New Years Eve, she laughed.

Then she got all serious, and nearly had us both in tears.  My parents adore my wife, apparently something that terrifies them at the moment is that if we divorce (they think we will) that they will lose contact with someone they love.  I don't suppose there is much I can do or say there, apart from hope that it doesn't come to that of course...

I'm sure we finished on a high note, but for the life of me can't remember what...  The bit about them losing their daughter in law stuck in my mind somewhat.

Oh, and finally...  I have a nice appointment next week with a friend that knows.  We are going to be discussing implementing TFS 2010 at his current employers, and his wife who is a hairdresser is going to be me some advice about cuts that I can style easily in two ways :)

Another vacation over!

Well after 4000km’s I’m back home!  Strange isn’t it no matter how much you enjoy being away there is something great about getting home again afterwards!

So now I have a week and a half’s back reading to do, wish me luck!  And I guess I’ll try a bit of a travelogue over the weekend...

For now though I think the important stuff should come first...

It was great to see my parents again, I hadn’t seen them since 4th (or 3rd, can’t remember) of Jan, a few days after telling them.  They are still fine, more than fine in fact.  I asked if they could see if it’s possible to get a small St Christopher (about my only superstition, strange seeing as I am not religious) to wear as Stace as my everyday one is too big.  I meant to go shopping.  I got there and was given a present by my mum – a beautiful, delicate silver one, on a silver chain.  She said that they were going to put a card with it ‘To Stace, love mum and dad’ but didn’t want to upset Mrs Stace so left that out in the end.  But the fact that they thought about doing that felt great.

Then later in the week she was talking about Birthday cards (I’m another number closer to mid thirties in 13 days) and asked if I wanted a card with ‘Son’ on it, or something else.  I said that son would be fine, but it was great that thay asked...  Then I felt really guilty again for putting it all onto them...

We had a good week in Scotland – I’m pleased to say it was not ‘the’ topic of the week and it’s nice to see that we still have the same relationship as before (I spent hours in the garage looking at the rust and rot that used to be my Spitfire, finally in a garage ready for the restoration; and did some Italian cooking with my mum)

I had ‘the’ conversation with my brother.  We watched England lose to Germany (and I thought great, I wanted him to be in a good mood before we started), told him and his reply was ‘And?  Don’t change nowt.  You show me someone with nothing in their closet and I’ll show you planet X’.  When I said I was at the VU he just said ‘Good Lad’.  That was it, as Mrs Stace later said; it was a bit of an anticlimax!

And finally for today...  During my trip I met up for food, drink and a chat with Jenny.  It’s great to put a person to someone who you know so well, but have never actually met...  It was a great lunch, and thanks again for the cider.  Now I am back home I am planning on enjoying them over the weekend (just one question – should they be cold?)

Apologies to those who I would have liked to try and arrange something with; time and Mrs Stace’s comfort zone were not on my side this trip.  Hopefully next time....

You may want to run that through your head one more time...

I called my dad for fathers day yesterday.  Normally I send a card, but they were all a bit naff so I left it this year.  We had a good chat about the state of the garage (almost ready for the Spit now with doors, electricity, a work bench and a compressor on the way - my parents spoil me, even if I have paid for half the building work to be done), his car, my car, my bike.  It was fun, not a single reference to my GID - which makes a pleasent change.  Not that he has an issue, or that I object to talking about it with them, I just want to make sure that it doesn't define my relationship with my parents.

I spoke to mum as well.  We were talking about how since hy dad has had his heart attack you can tell when he's tired due to changes in his eyes.  Apparently a friends of theirs have the same thing - he had a stroke, has recovered since thankfully, but one of his eyes now closes when he gets tired.  So she said to me 'you men, you think you can hide things from us women - but we know!'.  I answered with 'you may want to run that through you head one more time'  At which point she burst out laughing and asked if I could tell when Mrs Stace was telling a little fib (I can). Totally going against what I said about talking to my dad, but I think it needed saying :)

Threadbare

Wow, a lot has happened this week...  And I am not sure what to make of it all.

Chrissie left a comment last week saying 'the cover is wearing thin'.  I think that is quite a correct interpretation of where I am at present.  I am tired of lying to people and trying to cover my tracks.  I’m finding it more and more difficult to cover up my mannerisms and having to try and be careful all of the time.  And that fact has led to a few situations this week...

Mrs Stace and I had a few chats last weekend.  I can't remember what I was talking about but I said something that when played back in my head came out quite differently that I meant it.

"That's not my way of telling you I am going to transition"
"The writings on the wall, it's been there for a while"
"Maybe you are right...  But that's still not my way of telling you I'm going to transition"

That was on my mind for the rest of the day, and I was getting a little worked up.  Later in the day (well actually at night after we had gone to bed) I told her that if the VU say that they feel transitioning would be the best thing for my mental health I probably will.  Obviously with what she was saying earlier in the day it was not a shock for her.  But it is something else that she has to deal with.

I told the people in the office that know (a couple of colleagues and my boss) and they all came out with variations on the same sentence.  ‘Kind of assumed you would.’  And I decided to get the HR woman involved – she knows that something is going on, but not what.  We went for a long walk and I told her everything.  She was great, really supportive and told me it would not affect my job in any way – and was shocked that I thought people were going to react badly, pointing out that The Netherlands is quite an open country, and that the company (as in employees) is very open and that whilst we have our share of manly men Alpha Males, that she feels even they would accept it should I decide to transition next year, and commented that it’s nice to think that the IT dept has more women in it.

She also commented that people (read women in the office) thought I was quite a feminine man and so wouldn’t necessarily be surprised. That surprised me as I rather naively thought I still put on a reasonable act.  Guess not...  Asking what she could do to help I gave my normal answer “react the way you reacted and don’t feel sorry for me”.

The differences between the way men and women see things is odd though.  I told my boss that I had spoken to HR and let them know what was going on.  I told him about the feminine man comment and he didn’t see it at all.  When I told Mrs Stace she said ‘well yes, what do you expect?’  Interesting

Last night things got a little intense.  We have a foosball table in the IT department, but with a change in the way out building is used we lost the space where we could use it to during the day.  Seeing as it’s something we all used to enjoy I arranged a foosball evening for those interested.  As is the way of these things it started with lots of enthusiasm, people chasing me up for dates etc and ended up with 6 of us (from a group of nearly 30).  The idea was beer, pizza and foosball.

When it came to ordering the pizza someone though it was a good idea to go to a restaurant instead of ordering in, we rang and got a table and went on our way. We were all having a good time, those who lived close to the office arranged to meet their other halves there and we were all having a light hearted go at each other’s nationality (Dutch, French, English and Indian) when suddenly there was this weird noise coming from next to me.  One of my colleagues started to choke most of the group froze, and I checked that he was actually chocking and then started whacking him on his back, and was trying to remember how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre.   Thankfully the whacks were enough and he sat back in his seat.  I just couldn’t get over it though and at the point when one of the wives asked if I was OK just had to get out of the restaurant.

Now the reason why it hit me so hard is that 20 years ago (more or less) I was chocked on a piece of bacon and my lips were turning blue and I was passing out before my dad managed to remove it.  That is something that I just can’t get over – eating bacon still frightens me and everytime I hear what sounds like someone choking I go into panic mode.

The guy that was choking came out to see if I was OK, by which time I was in tears collapsed against the wall outside the restaurant.  He came out to ask how I was doing, we went for a walk to try and calm me down.  And I ended up telling him both reasons why I was so emotional at that point.  He took it well, and was not totally surprised.  He confirmed that people had noticed something about me, and that someone commented that they would not be surprised if I was gay.

This got me thinking...  If people already think that I think I would rather they knew the truth - I don’t think it’s something I am going to do, but I guess it’s something to speak to my therapist about when I start (first session Thursday morning BTW - woohoo).

Oh well time for a skate whilst the weather is good I think.

Sunny days!

It's been an interesting weekend (Holland had a bank holiday so it was back to work this morning).

We were supposed to be shoe shopping (using a voucher that Mrs Stace got with a pair of shoes she brought a few weeks ago).  That never happened as what I thought was the end date for the voucher was in fact the start date.  Something to look forward to next week.

Instead we went office shopping to make working from home more comfortable for Mrs Stace.  One monitor, wireless keyboard / mouse combo and very nice office chair later she has an office that is nicer than where she works.

I have to ask though.  Has anyone ever seen the mythical creature that is believed to have the special power of cuying what they need from Ikea?  We went in for a chair and left with a chair, two ergonomic pillows with covers, three oven dishes and a teapot.

Sunday was cleaning day. Woohoo (but we have a nice living room again).

Yesterday we went to a castle for the day, it was my father in laws birthday and so we were treating.  Sun, warmth (too much really, but better than too cold) and the whole family together was nice.  Nice joke with my sister in law as well.  She was discussing why there is a queue outside the ladies, but not them men. After a long discussion she asked her husband 'do you have any idea of the layers under a womans outfit?'  'Yes' I replied sheepishly.  She cracked up.

Then called my folks again last night.  For the first time since speaking to my dad in the new year we had a discussion about how I was doing, going into detail.  It was really nice to be able to open up to him - and nice to know that he can open up back.

I want to know how you are...

I had a long conversation with my mum again this weekend.  It's something that I had been putting off, as I just did not want to upset her.  She is a long way away, we can't get to Scotland just yet and doing all these talks over the phone can be quite difficult...

She sent me an SMS asking how we were, I waited until the evening and then called back.  I told her that I've not been OK for a few weeks, but that I am climbing out of it now.  And that I didn't say anything as I didn't want to upset her.

Her response was that she doesn't ask how I am to hear that I am fine, she asks because she wants to know how I am doing, and to try and support me the best she can from Scotland.

We talked about all the things that have been on my mind recently, including the suicidal thoughts from my teenage years to now (but not the last few weeks - progress) and the information evening from the VU.

She said that she was not surprised at the suicide - that she understood why those thoughts would go through my mind.

In all in all I think that we were on the phone for more than an hour, we had some laughs along the way, I had more than a few tears.  I explained to her that as much as I thought I had accepted my TG'ness years ago, I guess I am realising that I had not.  I'd acknowledged it, but obviously not accepted it.  That was a milestone in realisation.

One thing that made her laugh was me doing mascara.  I'm imfamous for having hand tremours.  When I tried to join the RAF as a pilot my mum made the joke that she would know which plane was mine as it would go side to side.

Now imagine having shaking hands.  Then trying to do your eyes.  She thought I meant black marks over my face.  I meant occasional 'OW!' moments as the brush suddenly meets eyeball.  She burst out laughing.  She also asked an interesting question.  I hid the fact that I was TG for many years, with the asscociated stress that comes with it.  She was wondering whether, once I am in a good place gender identity wise, would my hand tremous stop (or at any rate reduce a little) as there would be an amount of stress that would be gone.

I talked to my dad about my Spit - since we had a walk and talk just after his Birthday before Mrs Stace and I left them to come back to Holland we have not really talked about it.  He supports me through my mum - giving me advise whilst on the phone ot mum, but hasn't really spoken to anyone about it - including me.  I don't know whether he is bottleing everything up, or whether he is fine...  Mum thinks the former from what I can tell.

But...  The Spit is moving closer to the start line.  The garage is nearly built, almost has power and in a few weeks the Spit should be under cover for the first time in 1/2 a decade ready for a full body off restoration.  My dad and I can talk cars for hours - something that hasn't changed since I told them I'm pleased to say.  In the end mum made him end the conversation as she is terrified about my phone bill.  I have to say at present that is the least of my worries :)

Finally...

I have a new found respect for Nick Clegg.  I saw an interview on Dutch TV last night where they started in English (I think - sometimes I don't notice when people switch between English and Dutch) and he answered them in... Dutch!  He speaks it better than I do!  I know that he has Dutch linage but still, thinking and answering in Dutch when you don't have to - I was very impressed.  As Mrs Stace pointed out - imagine what was going on in the minds of his supporters.  There he was being interviewed, on TV and probably the only people who could understand him were the TV crew from NOS.

Doing better...

Well I'm doing so much better this week than I was when I last posted.  So much so I can't recognise how I felt then.

Is that bi-polar, or just a sign that I've started to come to terms with things?

Since my last post I have been dressed each evening it was possible to do so (Tuesdays / Wednesdays are out as we go out those days - but Thursday and Friday were both spent dressed).  The difference in myself is amazing.  I was trying to explain it to Jenny in an email and struggles somewhat.  It's not that I relax when dressed, but that I feel like me and so the anxiety drops away somewhat.  Even though the fears and worries about the future remain, and are just as strong the anxiety level makes the difference.

I was speaking to my boss about this yesterday - I had an update meeting with him to explain how things were going and that I had had a very tough time of it recently. He said he understood why being dressed did me so much good - there is a rather large picture of him in the hallway dressed as a hooker from a previous office fancy dress party.  he said if you look at the photo you can tell he is not comfortable (to be fair neither would I be in that outfit) and it makes perfect sense that if you reverse the scenario to me that I am not comfortable wearing my daily clothes.  He has a good insight that man I think.  Better than me - I don't get how getting dressed can make such a difference.

Mrs Stace has been great with the dressing, I offered to remain in boy mode again last night, but she told me to change.  And did my eyes again.  I am not sure if she is getting used to it, but she is trying her hardest.

I asked her what made the change from not wanting me dressed a lot to advising it when possible.  She said it was the suicidal thoughts.  Slightly guilty feelings there as I did not tell her for that reason. But I can't deny it's helped.


The other thing that has helped is me accepting my situation.  I was planning to go into therapy at the VU fighting transition at all costs.  That is also where a lot of anxiety has been over the last few weeks.  I've now decided that I have to go into it open minded.  Not going in expecting transition, but not going in fighting it either.  That has also removed a lot of anxiety.  Introduced an amount of fear, but fear without anxiety if that makes any sense.  I feel much more serene now.

There are logistical issues that go with the dressing each night.  We live in a terrace house - overlooked on all sides.  Ergo, if I am dressed we have to close the curtains.  And when we forgot to pick milk up on Thursday and found out after I was dressed (and had makeup on) Mrs Stace was the one who needed to not only go and pick it up, but also take over my role of fighting the junk in the shed to get my bike out (her's is buried deeper).  I would have happily got it for her but then my secret would have been more than a little out.

Another issue is panda eyes.  I got up on Friday morning, had a shower and still had panda eyes from the mascara of the night before.  I'm glad Mrs Stace was there to check when it was gone (the light in the mirror is not the best) otherwise I would have had some explaining to do...

Have a good weekend all - I'm off for my 18km skate now :).  Just beleive me that I am doing better now.

Tough times...

Not a good post today I'm afraid. I'm trying to work through several issues, and figure out where on earth I am supposed to go with them.

In my last post I said I had highs, lows, pain and fun. I pretty much covered the three of the four (and incedently still in a little pain from the run...)

The lows I haven't really touched.

The last month of so has been really bad, GD wise. I can't concentrate, have been back on the valdispeert, my anxiety has peaked again. My work has suffered, and my life outside work has been affected.

Things have really gone south this week. Saturday I could not concentrate on *anything* except the constant anxiety over my GD. I am a telly addict to a degree. I like Saturday nights on BBC 1 (Total Wipeout, Doctor Who, Over the Rainbow) I don't remember anything about the first, the only thing I remember about the second is that it was not the strongest episode I have seen, and the third I just could not get into. I was just totaly inside myself.

Sunday was not too bad, thankfully. The run put the thoughts out of my head somewhat for most of the day and then I got changed when I got home and found peace. I was me. For the whole evening. Not just with the clothes, but totally - I find it hard to explain. But it was the firs time in a while I had shaken the anxiety.

Then that night I felt really guilty about only being anxiety free in that situation - it doesn't bode well for being able to cope now does it. Monday was a nightmare day. Couldn't think about anything, went for lunch with the colleague that I told recently to talk about it more. He would make a great psycologist... However, it brought the thoughts of the night before to the front again. I spent the evening in anxiety mode again, only this time the pills did little to control the physical side of the anxiety. I felt I really needed to dress again and shoot for the same feeling I had Sunday night, but I didn't want to take Mrs Stace's husband away for the second time in two days.

She told to get changed anway if it would help, but then I remember I had to clean the rabbit, and I wasn't going to go into the garden dressed.

That night I told her of my thoughts about not sure how I am going to be able to cope. Neither of us slept well. Me worse than her and at 3am I went to the spare room so as not to disturb her any more.

Tuesday was an absolute zombie day. Not being able to think, and being totally exhausted.

Yesterday went pretty much the same.

Then Mrs Stace told me about something her colleague said regarding regarding death. And I ended up telling her the suicidal thoughts that I have had over the years, many years, since before I was twenty.

Now, I have never *seriously* considered it - I don't want anybody to worry - but standing at train stations I have thought about how a quick jump would stop the constant issues in my head. Or when driving over high bridges etc etc.

After I told her I cried a little - something I can't do very often. I feel that my life is good, if you take a way the GD. But if I feel life is so good why on earth would I work out the best way to end it? And when I go for my first appointment at the VU (that I *hope* to arrange within the next week or two) how on earth is the phychiatrist going to react to that. I can't hide it from them oibviously, but it doesn't sound particularly sane in my head.

I have to say, telling Mrs Stace last night helped a lot. And I do feel better today than I did the last few days.

Interesting weekend

I had a very strange weekend.  Highs, lows, pain and fun...

But for now I'll concentrate on the good side, with a little pain thrown in for good measure.

I managed to complete my 5km run in a respectable 23:58 minutes, placing me in the top 10% at 53rd out of 625.  But still not the fastest of my team, bah.  It was really hard running with blazing sun and high temperatures (it was the first decent day of the year over here) and in Hilversum there are...  Hills.  That's not how it got it's name though - that's just coincidence.  In Holland that's a little of a rarity, and where I train there is nothing like the hills that are here.  Aiming for a BPM of 170(ish), I actually managed 177 average overall.

About 200m from the end someone from my team came past me, I got a little competitive and decided that I wasn't going to come second without a fight and put on a spurt to keep up.  Then with 150m left I decided to finish on a sprint (198bpm), got a mention from the comentator that I looked like I could do a second lap (no I couldn't), and crossed the line just as I was getting dizzy and nauseous.  For the next 5 mins I could hardly control my movements or stand and just wanted to vommit.  Now I am just in muscle pain :)

But it was a nice run (until the end), I did finish before my team mate, but as he crossed the start line 30 secondsbefore me he beat my.  Never mind, next year :)

A special mention to a couple of colleagues though.  We have someone in the office who is quite blind (he walks with a white stick).  And another who is a fitness freak.  The second gave up his chance of a good time in the 10km (he would be top 10 easily), and the first trained hard and managed an extremely respectable 29:53 for the 5km.  Well done to them both!

And finally...  Another call with my folks, another reason for me to smile.  They have been for a weekend away, and wanted to know how my run went so I gave them a call last night.  Dressed, Mrs Stace had done my eyes so for once I didn't look like a freak - and got good pointers for next time!  We had a good chat and at the end I asked what they were planning to spend on my birthday.  And would they mind buying me an epilator.  And the good news is that they have no issues with it at all, and I ended up have a chat with my mum about the annoyance of shaving legs.  And it felt natural, unforced, and much more like a mother / daughter conversation than a mother son conversation, esp with me dressed at the time (though my mum didn't know that).  It was really great and the first time for a while that I have felt like 'me' for the whole evening.

Just promise me one thing...

Well after a very odd week (up and down like a rollercoaster) and a depressed post a couple of days ago it definately ended on a high.

After weeks of lathargicness, and inability to exercise (when I tried I did half of what I normally did and ended up so exhausted I couldn't even get off of the sofa to get a drink for 30 mins) I finally got back into the swing last weekend.

Saturday I skated for the first time (no snow!) and managed 6km's, sunday I went running and also managed 6km's. Not the quickest I've ever done the 6KM's in question - but a good start. And I managed to join in the office running training group for the first time this year (I missed the first 4 due to a mixture of illness and appointments).

Hopefully today I'll get a chance to go skating again - I have to say I do prefer it to running...

And the high?

I called my parents last night (I have odered them a Wii and Wii Fit Plus from amazon and the first half arrived last night). We chatted about the Wii and general stuff, and then got on to the subject of me (god that sounds self obsessed...). I wanted to know if they had decided to speak to anyone. Turns out my mum has, but my dad doesn't have anyone just yet.

Mum told her best friend, she picked this friend as they have a good relationship and she is married to someone with a gay son. Her friend took it well, and they have had a good talk. Mum says that once she told her she felt like a weight had been lifted (sound familiar anyone?) so it's really done her good. Her friend said that she wouldn't tell her husband, but mum said no, please do - "his dad needs someone to talk to as well, and it would be nice if we could all talk about this together if needed".

She's been to her doctor who is going to try and get hold of the books that doctors use for dealing with transgendered people, and try to find a professional for them to speak to. The problem I have here is that they may have to pay, which they have said they will do. But they are not the highest paid people and I feel really guilty at them having to pay out because of me. I would offer to pay for them, but if the worst happends between Mrs Stace and I then I do not know *if* I can afford to do that for them as I'll have some quite big bills coming.

I found out that she has also told her boss - she was having some bad days at work - who has apparently also been fine about it, and offered help if and when mum needs it.

And someone who she will never tell: another one of her good friends. Whilst at work the son a a resident (she works in a care home) who is gay was helping his dad into a chair in the sun and she made a comment. Not in itself homophobic, but said in a way that made mum decide that she wouldn't know. It's a shame she has that attitude about people who are different as it is another clsoe friend of mum who keep son offering help as she can see something is bothering her.

Then I got on to two people who I feel I have to tell (why does you brain do this to you, who do you have the *need* to tell people?).

The first is my brother. I said I would never tell him, but I feel that it is just not on. He is the only close family member that does not know - and I feel that it not fair on him. I would not want to find out at some point in the future that everybody knew except for me, and I can't do that to him. I have no idea how he is going to take it, and I have to wait as well as I am not going to do it over the phone and I do not know when I am going to see him again.

And the other is my boss. I just can't keep on doing the cloak and dagger discussions when we discuss how I am doing. He'll be fine with it I'm sure. Whilst running we had a great conversatioin about Dutch politics. (The Dutch goverment fell a week ago). He said that he always voted liberal 'because it's always better that someone is who they, than they struggle to fit into someones arbitary stereotype that has been imposed on them'. That was very nice to hear as you can imagine.

We discussed how to tell both of them (I am so relieved that I can discuss this with my parents). Bascically with my brother I just have to tell him face to face. Either he is going to take it well, or he is going to flip and walk off.

My boss... We think that asking him to go for a drink after work one day and telling him outside of the office envronment is likely to be the best idea. I'm going to speak to him on Monday I think.

By this point their food had been ruined (more guilt for me that mum said don't be daft - they'd never hang up on me when discussing something like this) and they had to get ready for a long trip they are probably on as I write this (my brother has given them a car from his lot at cost and is driving to Glasgow to swap it with mums current car) so I had a quick chat with dad and we called it a night - I'm going to call them on Sunday and set up a web chat so I can help them put thier Wii on the TV.

And the Promise of the title?

Half way through the talk mum said their was one thing she was scared of (I thought she was going to say if you decide to transition). What she was worried about was 'If you decide to transition that you start to dress outragously' She is worried that I am going to go all out OTT and end up a media interpretation of a transsexual. So I told her what my style is (I'm Smart Casual in bloke mode and Smart Casual in Stacy mode. The style doesn't change, just the clothes. She asked what smart casual was so I told her my favorite outfit (My new heels - 2 1/2 inch stilettos, not too high, skin or black tights, a beige canvas above the knee skirt and a black top). Basically what a 33 year old woman could wear to the office. That pleased both of us. Her knowing what my style is, and me discussing an outfit for Stacy with my mum.

Well I think I've waffled long enough her... Have a good weekend all!

Good news, bad news and running into celebrities

Well what a week this has been...

Back to work after a weeks sick leave - trying to catch up with the mess that happened when I was not here. I don't know whether to take the fact that things fall apart when I'm not here as a compliment or whether it means I am not doing my job right in the first place...

I UPS'd my new amp back to the UK on Tuesday. Brought a nice amp, very happy with the sound and then it broke. Called the shop (in Leicester), they called Cyrus, they said call the importer in Holland who will fix it under the european gurantee. They said we are not touching it. After a lot of discussion it was posted directly to Cyrus on Tuesday, who have said three weeks minmum to fix it...

Wednesday I nearly outed myself to my whole dance class apparently. Since coming out to all my close family I have become to be a lot less mindful of my mannarisms, I haven't started to do feminine manarisms, I've stopped conciously making myself have male manarisms (I've started to relax in their company more) unfortunatley I've also started to relax in other company which I hadn't realised... During the break in the class Mrs Stace and I were talking to the other couples and apparently the way I was holding my arms against my chest were not quite as masculine as I normally try to come over. Add to that long, shaped nails (the only outward sign I give - I stopped biting my nails and love them now - but they are just past the brink of being too long for a man I think) and oops. I don't think anyone noticed - Mrs Stace just pointed it out by making the same guesture dramatically to me when we were all walking off, with a smile I might add.

Yesterday the estate agent came around and looked around the house.

The good news - the house is quite saleable. It's in good condition (except the kitchen) in a good neighbourhood and is a good size (for a Dutch house). It has gone up in value since we brought it.

The bad news - the kitchen will put buyers off because the rest of the house is in too good a condition, it is the only thing that would stop someone simply moving in rather than having to work on it first. For the target market (my age group) this is a downer.
If we put a new kitchen it would help sell the house, but we would lose 5K between the cost of the it and the increase in value of the house.
It has gone up in value - but only to the extent that we would cover the mortgage rather than actually make any money (In Holland you normally take a mortgage to cover the house and costs of buying for your first house rather than putting a big deposit down and paying the costs out of your pocket)

This does mean that one of us taking the mortgage over becomes a real possibility (esp as the mortgage is 200 a month less than I thought we paid - yes I know that I should know these things having signed for it 5 years ago, but it's a direct payment so I don't really thing about it now). I think that we both prefer the option of one of us taking it as opposed to selling it on.

But if we do that it is not fair to the other person to fit a kitchen now out of our joint savings. Swings and roundabouts.

That was a lot to take in, and I think it's going to be a few weeks before we have it worked through in our heads, what with everything else that is going through them.

I also had a conversation with Mrs Stace last night about how surreal everything seems at the moment. Here we are discussing splitting up after 10 years (6 of them married) like we are discussing the weather. No arguments, no pot throwing, no shouting. Just rational discusions. Whilst sitting cuddling on the sofa, or at the table over food. It seems very odd to still be so in love with each other and still talking about these subjects. She agrees. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to shout and scream at each other - there bad things lie - but it just seems surreal.

And then to prove myself a hypocrite I had to stop that direction of thought as it had me on the verge of tears at the end of the conversation.

We'll see. I'm neither optimistic, nor pessimistic, just numb and trying to get through the days. Please don't feel too sorry for me just yet - most of the time I don't. I've cried, will cry more in the future probably, but as we are still quite close I'm trying not to worry about what the future holds just yet.

And finally (as they like to say on the news)...

I work in Hilversum - Media City they call it (well mediastad actually but I translated). There are lots of celebs around, and indeed my office is just 2 mins from the MediaPark where most of the TV stations have thir studios etc.

Even so I was a little surprised when a Ducth rapper / TV Presenter Lange Frans ran into me this morning. Quite surprised as I was stopping for a red light at the time...

When swapping names and addresses I thought I know you... So when I got to the office I googled his name and sure enough it came back as him. Drives a lot more down to earth car than I would have expected (2.0D Merc C class). Thankfully Volvo make good towing hitches so it seems the damage is limited to replacing that - the towing ball has been bent by an inch or so and nothing on the car itself. So I have his address, phone number and on Monday I should have his insurance details as well :)

Have a good weekend all,
Stace

Another, better, phone call

I got back home on Tuesday evening to an answer phone message from my mum asking how I was. I'm thinking that she guessed I was as upset as them when we had finished the call on Sunday.

I called her back last night when I got in from work, we go to dance lessons on Wednesday and calls with my parents take a long time when we are talking about nothing, let along when it 'something'. So I had to assume she wasn't at work at what would have been really early in the UK.

Thanksfully she was not working afternoons and picked up.

She wondered why I was calling, and took a moment to register that she had left me the message yesterday.

Asked how I was, I said I was fine (typical English response) and followed it with except for on the train on the way home where I almost cried, on the bus where it got closer and walking home when I did cry. She asked why, I said because sometimes I can't see how I can cope not changing, I can't see how Mrs Stace can cope even if I don't and was just seeing everything falling apart. Some days it's really bad, yesterday was one of those days.

She has decided that she should see someone to find out more and to get help (I'm so pleased she has decided to do this) and went through what her and my dad are currently feeling. The word she used, as I have read a lot online, is grieving for her lost son. But she didn't spend any time telling me that I wasn't this call.

She had some questions though to try and help her understand:

1) When I was there over New Year I only shaved a couple of times: How can you stand to have facial hair if you feel that way
2) In the mornings when making coffee you went into the kitchen just wearing trousers, a lady wouldn't do that

Answer to the first was easy - I had forgotten my electric razor, and as my beard (if you can call it that) grows so slowly I can't wet shave more than once every two days. As I went for a special reason I had to time my shaving to travel + those days which meant I could not shave when I wanted.

The second is more problematic. I have a mans body, I have lived for 33 years as male. Whilst I am not comfortable taking my top off in everyday life this was in my parents house at 7 in the morning when getting fully dressed just to get a senseo coffee and go back to bed would have caused comment. Is that thinking normal for someone in my position?

But it wasn't full on contradicting what I think as it was on Sunday.

We then discussed a few other things. Again her saying she wanted to be able to do something pro-active to help me. She is upset that I must have lived such an awful life. I corrected her here. I hated my time in school, that much is true. But I have a job I like, a wife I love, a nice house to live in and a life that in general isn't bad. It it was the the decision to transition would be much simpler, but I have so much good in my life it makes life difficult (I appriciate that's an oxymoron).

We talked about the rock and hard place from this: Don't know how to live as current me, don't want to think about losing Mrs Stace. As either way is not really 100% happy and as that's what she wants for me she doesn't know what to say.

She also said that me changing would not make her and dad happy as they would be losing their son completely, and even if I transitioned how could she shake the fact that I am the son she gave birth to, but if that is what it takes to make me happy they'll support me 100%. I did point out that keeping that attitude (and keeping it) helps me more than anything else they can do...

We talked about my brother finding out (arrived there from the good life with friends etc). I said I can only think of one or two in the entire family that would *possibly* be OK with it. She has different thoughts there. If it ever reaches them knowing we'll find out.

I ended saying that there was one thing she said on Sunday that did make me feel very happy. The fact that when she said I was two people and used both names. Stupid little thing but that lifted my spirits no end. She answered that she didn't think it was stupid and that's just who I am so of course it's nice to hear.

Hopefully with the right information from a decent therapist they can work though this is a good way.

Anyway - I had better end here. I'm starting to get tearful again in a room full of people.

Update: I was starting to get tearful, but not in a bad way (I don't think)! At least I didn't feel really upset... Don't worry is what I am trying to say in a roundabout way

I think that's everyone for now...

Well I think that I can almost start to relax again... On Monday night Mrs Stace got a call from her mother saying that she would be going to my sister in laws for food on Tuesday, which is a long standing arrangement for us.

Something positive happened that night... I spent an hour pacing the living room in a panic, and poping Valdispert pills again to calm me down before going to bed. So far so bad... But I slept reasonably well. I sleep badly at the best of times, but the night before seeing my sister in law for the first time I only managed 2 hours. So sleeping almost normally (for me) I see as a breakthrough.

I had a hellish day in the office, still catching up after the Christmas break, and doing a presentation to a room full of poeple about the new TFS server that I have configured (I *do* not do well in front of people - even if i have worked with them for a number of years - cue more Valdispert). Once that was done I went into panic mode again. Popped a few more pills (they are herbal and non addictive, not real drugs) and left.

When I got there my mother in law wasn't... This put me back a little - when you are bracing yourself for emotional overload and it doesn't happen it can hit you quite hard. Spoke to my sister in law (who has spoken to her mother about me since I last saw her on Saturday) who said I shouldn't be worried, whilst she would have preferred me to say everything before I married her daughter she knows it wasn't some deliberate scheme to ruin her life...

When she turned up (my mother in law that is) we said hello and kissed (as the Dutch do) and that was that. Nothing bad, nothing at all actually. Once I calmed down the evening went very well.

Towards the end of the evening my sister in law (ever the subtle person) asked if the pills had worked for the evening. My mother in law simply asked why I needed those and said I shouldn't worry.

When we gave her a lift home and said goodbye she just told me that everything will be alright.

Everyone in the family has said not to worry about my father in law - as he won't say anything either positive or negative as he just doesn't talk about things, and that he is also fine. I'm still nervous before meeting him for the first time...

The only thing for me was that *nothing* was said about it. I wonder if more will be said when it's just me and Mrs Stace - an actual conversation about it, or if it's just there now and so be it...