Getting fit again!

I'll start with an apology for the length of the post - after not having a muse since my last post I started this morning and it all seemed to come out!

This week I am back on medication, at the start of the summer I began taking nose spray for hay fever. what I  assumed was a constant cold my doctor saw it for what it was and with the medication I was fine for the rest of the summer.

No sniffles, no aches and no thick head.  Wonderful!

When I got back from the UK I noticed that I was starting running low on the spray, but assumed that as summer and the associated pollen we over for another year I could leave it for a while.  I don't like the thought of taking medication 365 days a year. Then at the start of spring next year I could get my repeat prescription and start again.

And then I had cold after cold, thick heads and lots of aches and pains; just as I had at the start of the year.

This has impacted my life in a few ways, and none of them are good!  I am useless at keeping up the will power needed to work out when I have a bad head.  I get home from work and just want to collapse on the sofa.  Or at the weekend I just can't seem to get it together enough to actually get my running gear on and leave the house.  OK, there is also the question of dog owners at the moment - people who take large dogs out, without leads and fail to keep them under control.  Over the last few weeks I when I have had the will power to go running I have had problems with dogs and their owners at least once on each run.  Note to the dog owners: it's not funny, it's annoying as hell and terrifies the people on the receiving end.  When I had two Alsatians baring their teeth and chasing me whilst the ineffectual owner gently said 'come here, come here' and not moving from his spot 200m away my heart rate went from 145 to 190 from the stress.  Anyway I am off on a tangent again...

Another problem is that colds pour stress onto stress, and that is something I am struggling to contain at the moment.  This time of year is always stressful in the office, and whilst this year seems to be much better than previous years, it's still bad enough that I had an apology from my boss on Friday.  You see it's his first year, and in August I was making the planning and making sure that I had people available for my project now.  Everyone was adamant that we would have been ready and I was being over the top by making sure the people were still available.  Well...  We still have weeks of work for developers, there are times when being able to say 'I told you so' doesn't feel great.  But my boss spoke to me on Friday to apologise for not believing me when I was making the planning (though he didn't block my planning, he thought it was not going to be needed).  He can't believe that we are still working on it, but I get the feeling that next year the planning may just be a little better - he's the first one to actually admit that we need these people.

And then of course there is preparing for the fact that in 3 weeks I'll be working as Stacy.  Everything is ready.  I thought.  Hahahahaha.  Last week I was working out the planning for that and since then the stress has been that high that my IBS has had me in agony and yesterday I simply collapsed from exhaustion.  Literally.  A migraine that tablets couldn't touch, short term memory loss (Mrs Stace asked me for a drink and had to tell me three times in less than a minute what she wanted as it just would not stick in my head) and lots of borderline sleep through the day. 

Having the feeling of a constant cold was not helping matters at all!

So on Wednesday I arranged the repeat prescription, and on Thursday picked it up.  That is only three days ago, and the medication takes up to two weeks to really get to work, but I have noticed an improvement already.  The sniffles have gone, as have the thick heads.  The aches?  Well, they are still there, but not from a cold any more!

No, they come from the fact that over the last week I have been trying to get fit again.  Not running has left me a smidgen over what I would like to be size wise.  Nothing serious, and to be honest in clothes you can't even see it.  But I know it's there.  And I have terrible self body image at the best of times; knowing that I am stating to gain weight is just something that I see as the thing end of the wedge!  Something has to be done!

Running is not on the cards for me at the moment, the weather is to cold at the weekends and at night it's too dark.  My favourite place to run is the man made lake near where I live (where my sunset summer pictures in other posts are taken).  It's tranquil, pretty and a set distance - 1 lap is exactly 3km.  Unfortunately it's also unlit and by the time I get home from work it's pitch black - and when there is dog muck, possible glass from teenagers and possibly people lurking in the bushes around the lake (I don't know if the last one is true, but it's not something I like) I try not to do it in the dark.  Of course in the dark you also can't see the dogs and their owners!  So that's a no-no then :)

And so I am being a geek again :)  I pre-ordered 'Your Shape 2012' for the Kinect and it arrived on Monday, and has been used since.  I am trying to do three or four sessions a week, and I am trying to do 45 minute workouts at a high enough heart rate to get 400+ calories burnt per session.

It has different levels of work out for those just starting, those who have some experience and those who are really fit and annoying (I hope to join that group by the end of the winter ;p).

I started with the lowest levels - gentle movements and routines that lasted 5 minutes or so.  It is a good way to start, and a good way to get into the different moves that you have to do.  And the fact that you see yourself on the screen means that you can see when you are doing it wrong; OK a mirror would work just as well, but then you wouldn't be able to see the instructor!  The space you need is quite large - we only just have enough room in our house for it; and if we were in the UK with the tendency to have separate rooms rather than open plan living I don't think there would be enough space without shifting all the furniture to one side!

But, as I still have a baseline fitness the starter ones were really not for me.  I could not get my heart rate up enough, and I wasn't feeling like I had had a work out the end of them.

I tried the boot camp routine that it has (stupid of me, it's a level three routine even on the easiest level) and about collapsed at the end of the 6 minutes.  On the other hand my heart rate was definitely up!

So I settled for the level 2 routines.  I am concentrating on cardio at the moment as all I really want to do is burn calories and get my fitness level up. These take between 12 and 20 minutes per routine so I can do three different workouts and do my whole body.  Legs, arms and torso in separate workouts.  As this is something that I can't do with running I am actually enjoying it a lot!  I think though that I will still try to do one lap of the lake once a week for the fresh air!

Right then, I guess it's time to finish preparing the house for my brothers arrival this afternoon.  I was doing it yesterday but had to give up! It's been a while since I have seen him, and he is coming to change some radiators for us and plaster a ceiling and some walls.

A weekend away (sorry long post!)

This weekend Mrs Stace and I took a trip to the UK.  I had some shopping to do, and as my parents were going down to see family as well I thought it would be nice to try plan my trip coincide so that we could have a family get together.

The trip started interestingly – we got 20 KM’s from home and had to turn around as we had forgotten the car documents.  If we had have been staying in The Netherlands I would have risked the fine of not having them on me.  But with three countries to drive in I thought that I had better get them…

We reached the Euro Tunnel and things started to get boring…  The journey from the French border control to the UK border control (200m or so) took 40-50 minutes…  We wondered if the UK border control agents are completely ashamed working so closely to the French agents who are courteous, pleasant and speedy – as opposed to the UK agents who are slow, grumpy jobsworths.  We were in a Dutch car, with me sitting on the wrong side.  Passed them a Dutch passport for Mrs Stace and a UK passport for me; the first question was ‘Why are you going to the UK?’ This was followed by ‘Oh, I see UK passport you are just going home, where have you been?’  Going home?  In a Dutch car?  ‘No I live in the NL, we are going to the UK to visit family.’  Why you can’t just say ‘I have a UK passport so I am allowed to go there’ I am not sure…

By the time we got to where we were going it was very late and we were exhausted.

The next day we went speaker shopping.  Mrs Stace, my mum and her sister went shopping and my father and I went to demo the speakers I was thinking of buying (expect a review soon).  An hour of listening to all types of music (a nice mix of rock, classical, trance, pop and vocals) and we brought them (along with an extra amp to power the low frequency drivers) – sorry I go into geek mode with the stereo system :)

After meeting up with Mrs Stace and the rest for lunch we went to pick up the speakers.  We piled into the shop and they brought them up from the basement.  Mrs Stace went into shock at the size of the box that came up.  Then I went into shock when I saw that it said 1pc on the side – I started to panic; I may drive a Volvo estate, but it’s only a little V50!  We managed to get the boxes to the car (using a trolley from the shop – at 33kg per box we couldn’t carry them!)  Thankfully with the seats folded down they *just* fit into the car (maybe 10cm to the side and enough room at the ends to fit the box for the amp and our little suitcase.  Phew…

That evening we had a family get together, at my aunt’s house with nearly all the family there (including my cousin who I have not seen in a few years).  It was a great night, a real laugh – going down memory lane and talking about old family holidays.  There were only two spoilers for the evening.  Mrs Stace and I were still shattered from the travelling – it seems that getting up at 4:30 (UK time) driving 60 miles to work and back, doing 4 hours (and forgetting to drink due to trying to get everything in the office completed) and then driving for 9 hours to get to Leicester is not a good idea...

The other was something that I have not had to deal with for some time now…  These days I get warned by my friend who works with me that I let my mannerisms come through too often.  I relax too much and have basically stopped caring about the rumours. Sitting in my aunts living room with everyone there that all came back to me and I spent the night trying to figure out how I should be sitting, talking, what to comment on - what not to comment on.  It was like being back at my parents’ house before telling them last year.  It didn’t spoil the night, but it was exhausting –  and when already shattered it didn’t help.  We left early so that I could drive back to my other aunts safely and slept as soon as my head hit the pillow.

The next morning I woke up with a hangover.  Slightly unfair I thought seeing as I hadn’t drunk for days!  A leftover from the exhaustion and dehydration I think.  A couple cups of tea, and we left for a day’s shopping.

I had arranged to meet up with Lisa this trip, so dropping Mrs Stace off at Waterstones, and after picking up a packet of paracetamol I walked to the Clock Tower of the city I grew up in to meet someone for the first time in about 20 years – when I was young teenager that was always the meeting point…

I met Lisa and her daughters and we went for a drink and chat at Costa (where when they say large cappuccino they mean *large* - I drink large cups of coffee at home, but nothing compared to that!).  We must have spent an hour or so nattering – I hope that it was not too boring for her daughters – and then went to buy a couple of scrap books.   It was great to finally meet up – just a shame that it was on such a rushed weekend!  Hopefully we’ll have a chance to meet up again the next time we are in town.

I met Mrs Stace at Waterstones – with a nice selection of books to add to our collection – we went to pay (picking up along the way a Mouse and Gruffalo soft toys to put on top of the new speakers).  A healthy jacket spud later and we went clothes shopping.  Mrs Stace introduced me to a new brand (well new for me…).  Zara – she likes their clothes and I spotted a nice lilac canvas skirt that I will order online here soon.

A meal with my aunt, her husband and my cousin and his girlfriend (who I haven’t seen for a couple of years) and again a night of chatting, catching up and talking about life the universe and everything.  It got quite late and as we had a lot of driving to do the next day I dropped a hint of how tired I was (felt awful for doing that, but we really needed to be rested before leaving).

The next morning we had a nice cooked breakfast (thanks to my aunt) loaded the car (best bit of 3D puzzling I have done in a long time to get everything in).  The border crossing this time was easy – the French border control saw that we had passports and that was enough (why are the UK agents so useless?).

After we got home we just ate some soup (neither of us wanted anything substantial) and chilled (well I unpacked the speakers, I couldn’t wait :P).  Today has been setting up the stereo, tidying the cables and chilling.  Back to work tomorrow!

Busy times…

What a week!  Seems to be the story of 2011 (at least the story so far!).  We have a project coming up for release and it’s entering the stressful period.  Give it a week and it should be fine – but for now it’s slightly less than great fun.  It has been a nice project though, and I am going to be proud of it when it goes to production.

Monday I was sick – I don’t know what it was, I got to Hilversum and suddenly I felt really nauseous.  I struggle through the morning, but after a stand-up meeting for a project where everyone else in the project group told me how bad I looked I decided it was time to call it a day and went home.  90 minutes on trains, busses and then a 2km walk wasn’t exactly what the doctor ordered and when I got in I just collapsed on the sofa and slept for most of the day.

It was a 24 hour thing though, as on Tuesday I was back at work, just very, very tired.  Wednesday I had to stay late for the something that went wrong on the project (my fault, I was supposed to copy data from production before changing data structures, it seems I forgot and had to spend 2 hours matching the old production data, with the newly entered data to make sure that the business didn’t have to spend a second day setting everything up… It was difficult, but I was actually enjoying the challenge of making a SQL statement that would do the work for me (I may be a project manager / team lead – but I’m still a geek :p) and learnt something new in the process that will save time in the future.

Thursday I was evil (as I said yesterday – I have not heard if the guy is walking without saying ‘ow’ a lot yet).

Today (I started writing this late last night…) was just non stop.

The car needed servicing.  I don’t trust garages, there is one that I just about trust so I always use it even though it's 90 miles away (I’m also the only English customer so I am always remembered and get good service – or so I thought).  It was a cheap service (you have cheap, normal and expensive services for AWD Volvos – but it’s all relative…) but I knew that the rear brakes were ready for replacement – they are 168000KM’s old.

Or so I thought.  It was the front.  And as it’s a turbo they are special brakes and I prepared for a stupid price.  It actually came back *very* cheap (10 euros more than someone on my team just paid for front brakes on a Fiat Punto!).  Oh, but the rear pads were also shot (oddly enough not the discs – another 168000KM left on those!).  Oh, and as they played with the front and rear brakes the fluid was changed at the same time.

And the alarm needing re-certifying (now a yearly occurrence) in order to keep the theft insurance valid (just because it’s an AWD the insurance classes it the same as a Chelsea Tractor re theft protection, the FWD version doesn’t need it even though it’s faster and more likely a target for the joy rider!)

All in 800GBP (less than I was expecting with the extra bits, more than I wanted to pay).  But, it took 4 hours to do all of the work.  And I had lots to do today so it put me way behind. 

I drove back and rushed the weekly shopping (thank goodness for smart phones that Mrs Stace could send the list to!) in a store I was not used to, so I was walking back and forward for longer than I wanted.

Got home, rushed lunch – which was a shame ‘cause I had treated myself to some really nice cobs that I rushed too much to really enjoy.  I was now 20 mins behind schedule and had to be out of the house in 40 minutes for therapy.  Normally that would be a rush, but since my first laser appointment I have started to wet shave as the results are far better.  So, a bit more than a rush…

Shaved, dressed (first time for a new outfit – I was over the moon with it; for one thing it fitted, which is an improvement on a couple of weeks ago)  and started on my face.  I have switched foundation this week – a local stored had a special offer on L’oreal so I decided to try the roll on foundation.  It’s wonderful stuff!  It gives a much nicer coverage than doing it by hand, and you don’t get foundation under your finger nails.

I actually managed to get ready in time (how I don’t know) looking better than normal because of doing things wrong (no time to do my hair using the brush normally, so I tried just using my hands – that didn’t work, but a quick attack with a brush afterwards looked better than normal and took half the time.  I have to practice that I think to make sure it wasn’t a fluke…)

Go to Amsterdam with no traffic issues for a change, and found somewhere quite easy to park.  And for once didn’t freeze getting the parking ticket or walking to the therapist’s office.  I got myself a winter coat.  Love the look and it’s *so* warm.  My only issue is that it’s slightly longer than my skirts.  Now this is not unusual in Holland (see it all the time at the train station – but Mrs Stace thinks that it looks a little like I forgot an item of clothing…)

The session was quite heavy this week – with a subject that I was really not comfortable talking about.  I’m glad that we did – it was what I wanted to talk about before I arrived (though he brought the subject up in the session), but it was difficult none the less.

Something light to end on…  I have gadget shopping trip coming up and have been trading mails with my ex-boss all week.  He is a Hi-Fi nut, valve CD players etc – and so I wanted his advice on how to set up my system when I get my next toys.  Got the advice I needed to get the preparations sorted (basically KISS) and found what I would like from Mrs Stace for my birthday - a FLAC server so I don't have to switch CD's all the time to get good quality music (and much cheaper than the presents of the last couple of years).  He also showed me he home network setup, and as a geek I have to say it’s very nice.  Something to think about if we build an extension to the house (as we are thinking about).

Vacation, what vacation

Well I've been back in the office now for 2.5 days and I am shattered...  Not as stressed as before my holiday, but very tired.  It's hot and humid here, with thunderstorms only providing brief respite from the oppresive air - at night it takes an age to get to sleep, then the alarm goes at 5:40 again the next morning.  I think I may sleep well at the weekend!  Hope so anyway...

My boss has just given me some scary news, that I have to prep for this afternoon.  He on going on vacation for the next month or so (out one week, back one week then out for three) and so I have to take care of the job applicants in his absence.  My name is currently on a number of job openings that we have on Monsterboard and our web site.  Gulp.  I normally sit in interviews very quietly listening to what the applicants are saying (or not) and asking a few technical questions.  I then give my input as to whether I think they are suitable for the job / our environment.  I looks as though I am going to be the one leading the interview whilst he is away...  Nice to know he has the faith in me, it's a scary prospect of actually doing it though...

I'm also struggling for idea's for presents at the moment.  In a weeks time my counter increments by another year and my in laws are asking what to buy me.  Problem is the things that I would like are expensive (Mrs Stace would say most of what I want is expensive ;p ) or things that I am not sure how much I am comfortable asking for just yet (like a contribution towards the second wardrobe that I am now building seeing as I would like a choice of things to wear when I go out)...

I'm struggling to make my point understood with Mrs Stace about that as well.  I have a couple of outfits, which I like, and she doesn't see the reason why I don't just wear those.  But...  Yes I like them, but they are old, or maybe not quite the best fit.  Or other small niggles that pull at my self confidence.  Going out, whilst I'll admit went better than I was expecting, is still a big thing for me - and I suspect will be for a while.  The thought of going out in something where I am not 100% comfortable kills my confidence somewhat and is something I would rather avoid for a while.  It's bad enough in man mode to leave the house in clothes I am not totally happy with - as Stace, at present, it's worse...

Mixers

A bit of an up and down week this time.  Still feeling a bit from last weekend (much to Mrs Stace's annoyance), and possibly a little more clingy than normal.

That said, the week itself has not gone too badly.  I've had quite a productive week at work - playing with Team Foundation Server 2010 readying myself for the upgrade that is going to happen later this year (the fun part of being team lead is that I can pretty much decide how I spend my days providing the team has work, and regular tasks are completed on time).  Looks so much nicer than the old 2008 version, and the installation routine has been made a doddle - click through wizzard and away it goes.  See how an the upgrade from our current server goes in a couple of weeks.

And the weather has been kind enough to allow me to take the bike a couple of times this week.  Froze my hands off in the morning, but in the evening coming home it was fanatastic.  Roll on warmer mornings!

Speaking of the bike...  Here's what she looks like:

Not bad for something 7 years old I think...

Wednesday Morning 3am

Well Saturday morning 7am... But still too early to be up and doing stuff.

To begin with appologies for the Americanism that's about to follow but I cant think of an appropriate English phrase :)

It's been a hell of a week

In the office it was a little sombre as you can imagine - slowly getting back to normal towards the end. There was a rememberance book for those who wanted to sign, but in the beginning it was on his desk - and I just can't do emotions publically.

It was moved after the first day to a private room, and on Wednesday when I got to the office I went and left my message. I welled up as I wrote it, just a simple couple of lines.

On the personal issues front things have changed a lot in the last couple of weeks. The epiphany from a couple of weeks ago came from reading Calies profile. Trans, non-transitioning, happily married.

After 30 years of knwoing, but not quite totally accepting myself this just jumped at me. And caused some more sleepless nights.

My issue now is that my better half knows about my dressing, and I think has an idea that it goes further. But I haven't told her everything. I'm ashamed of the last, but got scared. I really want to tell her everything - and I think that I have to for the sake of my head - but the thought of doing it terrifies me. When we first talked of the dressing she said it could never go further as she does not want a relationship with a woman. Whether she means transitioned or not I don't know.

I would not transition - I have too much invested in my life to do that, but I do not know what she would make of full disclosure... Sorry I'm starting to ramble here.

I did however come out to a friend. In totalness. More sleepless nights. But he has been fantastic - I'm not the first person he knows who is trans, and he actually acted exactly the same as I did when a uni friend came out to me. As in not making a big deal about it. I've been wanting to say it for a while - but finally plucked up the courage.

He's gay and when we go drinking it's normally in his local - a gay bar - where they have a screen with pictures of parties on the wall. A few of the people who go to the bar parties are also drag queens - I joked that maybe they should learn how to wear a dress (rather too much on display... - not *that* much but too much - but I digress). I had decided that I was going to do it and asked him to walk to the station with me.

On the way I told him I had something I needed to say - to which he responded that he had a feeling I had something to say for a while.

I went on to say I pointed out the guys who needed to learn how to wear a dress was... Because I knew how to wear one.

'Oh is that all'

'No... not really'

'Oh no, poor you'

He said that he was honoured that I trusted him enough to tell him, and let me know that it was safe with him and any time I needed someone to talk to he was there. Oddly enough he' had head issues himself recently and I said exactly the same thing to him.

Unfortunately at that point my train turned up and I had to leg it. I got a couple of supportive SMS's from him on the way home. Which I had to delete as we both share the phones at night if we need to send / receive an SMS and I'm not ready to tell her that I've come out to someone else yet.

We've spoken since. I said I was surprised that nobody had questioned anything. I've noticed reently that my mannerisms have changed a little. Plus I shave my arms and hands weekly and have an emeryboard on my desk, and I now have slightly long nails that are shaped a little... He just said he had an idea of something - but not how much.

I'm still in two minds about whether it was a good idea. It feels great to have offloaded it after 30 years, a weight has been lifted. It's nice to be able to talk about it. But someone now knows my secret, and I I always have this nagging doubt that talking about things is self obsessed - when I do it - I'll happily listen to others as much as they need, just feel that I am encroaching on others when I do it. (and with that an appology for long self obsessed post...)

Anyway - I hope this post doesn't read too negative. I actuallly see this week as a positive week. Apart from the lack of sleep due to a brain that is working overtime, I feel all the better for it.

And on a techy last note I have to recomend a remote from logitech. The Harmony 525. We got one last night , spent a long time programming it for all the tasks that we have (Watch TV, Watch a BluRay, Listen to the radio etc etc etc). It works great. You point it at the tv system and it does everything for you in one click of a button. As opposed to many clicks of many remotes that we had previously. Well worth the money, and it's great to have one remote instead of 7. Looks kind of classy too as opposed to some of the other universal remotes you can get.

Appologies again for the super long post. Once I started typing I found it hard to stop...

BTW: If any of you haven't already - I recommend this on Bree's blog. I thought it was a very interesting piece.

(Lyrics: Simon and Garfunkle)

The pain of shopping

Over the last few weeks I've really been in a spending mood - but haven't managed to quite think what should be the focus of it yet...

There's a number of gadgets that have caught my attention - camcorders and a new AV center mainly. But when I stopped tho think about it just how much would I use a camcorder? And what would I do with what I record anyway. For photo's I generally just use them out of the camera - I'm not one for sitting for hours in photoshop to clean up images, and video takes much longer than a still. And for the new AV - just how much do I need it? I hav a nice system that does what I want. Yes the new one would be better, but how good can you have without needing a special room to get the best out of it?

Then there's clothes. There is a local shop that has a dress to die for. On sale so it's affordable, it's classy and sexy at the same time. Wonderful, I love walking past the shop just to check it's still there. So why don't I buy it? As with the gadgets - when would I use it? I don't go out so I just can't justify the cost. It would end up living in the wardrobe being taken out once a month just to check it still fits.

And of course after weeks of tearing myself apart trying to justify spending the cash what happens? Either the sale has ended making both clothes and gadgets too expensive, or they've been sold and you end up with nothing...

One of these days I'll actally be able to work out my own head...