Less is more

Well actually that's not quite what I wanted to write - but that is the closest that's the phrase so I am stuck :)

Actually what I wanted to write is 'More is less', or 'More means less' or 'Less means more means less...'  Yes, that last one will do...

Just before my parents arrived I had my 6th, and possibly last session of laser (certainly the last before the autumn).  For the next week it was a bit of a nightmare (as I wrote about with picking up my parents).  But the day before they went home they spent the day with Stacy again and it was *much* better.  To the point where I had little foundation on - little enough that I could leave the lipstick alone.

And the key is confidence.  I felt I didn't need to be caked in order to be me.  So less thick, dark, visible hair equals more confidence about myself equals less make up...  And what's more looking in the mirror in less make up and being happy gives another confidence boost.  In that way it's been a very good week :)

Something weird has happened this week though...  For some reason the visits to this blog have sky rocketed - from 10 or 20 visits per day to 200.  Now whilst I am flattered - I am also assuming that something has gone very wrong with the way that the visits are calculated :)

On shopping and parents

After seeing my Sister in law on Saturday we were on full on finish cleaning mode on Sunday.  We needed to get the spare room finished and the other rooms tidied up.

Those plans got a little scuppered when we got an SMS from my sister in law asking if we fancied going to a Mexx warehouse sale.  Seeing as Mrs Stacy and I like Mexx we thought that we could go down for a quick look and see what is there.  The warehouse is only 20 or 30km's from home so it shouldn't take more than 90 minutes or so to get there, shop and leave.

Hahahahahahahahaha.

We were queueing to get in for an hour, spent an hour or more inside going through the racks and paying.  Oops.  Mind you, the clothes were *really* cheap.  Mrs Stace picked up a coat @ about 115 euros discount, I picked up three skirts @ 10 euros each (shop price was 50+ per skirt).  In total we spent 96 euros for a bag of clothing that was probably close to 500 euros in the shop!  That it's last seasons styles really doesn't bother me - I like clothes I like - fashion rarely figures in my choice of what I buy!

We spent the remainder of the afternoon getting the rooms cleaned and prepared and collapsed on the sofa in the evening to try and get some energy back :)

Yesterday morning came and I got ready to go and pick my parents up from the airport.  That did not go well!  My hair refused to go properly, the zapped hair from Friday showed through the foundation and I felt like a mess as a result.  There is nothing like confidence crushing images in the mirror just before leaving the house.  Esp when everything went so well on Saturday with my Sister in Law.

I was in half a mind to give up and get changed again - but I didn't have time to redo my hair as him so I just summoned up all the confidence I could muster and left.  Mrs Stace got a call from a colleague just before I left so she had to stay at home and take that.

I got to Schiphol and struggled to get into my walking shoes.  Eventually got out of the car and then had issues walking to arrivals (for somereason my skirt was full of static and sticking to my tights which meant it was riding up at the front).

I reached the arrival hall and waited for my parents to come out.  Shaking a little from nerves, but actually otherwise I was fine.  I wasn't staring round trying to see who was looking at me.  I was not trying to hide away so no one could see me (the amount of people crowding around the arrivals gate would  have made that impossible anyway!)  They came out we had a hug, walked back to the car and my mum said I looked a bit off.  I explained about the above and she said that if I was not feeling up to meeting them as Stacy why did I not just go as him.  I just thought if I can go out looking that bad and still act with confidence then I should not have an issue in future trips out.  She laughed and said that I didn't look 'bad', and that I still looked feminine.  I just looked like I was out from the night before :)

Got home and had a great day chatting, watching some TV etc.  They had not been to bed for more than 24 hours so they were shattered so they drifted off to sleep occasionally.  I was going to get changed, as the make up was starting to look awful - but my mum managed to convince me that it was fine and that I shouldn't worry so much.  I eventually got changed when they went to sit in the garden.  Should the neighbours see me when I going somewhere, so be it.  But I don't want to just sit in plain view in the garden that is overlooked from every side for Mrs Staces sake.  When they find out I won't have a problem doing it, but for now I'll try to avoid it.  All in al it was a great day.  They are currently asleep still from their travelling, and I am about to go for my run around the lake.  In the rain :(

Uncomfortable evening...

I think the anti-muse has come to visit my overnight.  Either that or the alcohol and sugar from last night have removed it from my head.  I had a post in my head yesterday, but for the life of me I have no idea what it was…

So here is the reason for the sugar and alcohol instead.

A friend was the first of us to turn 35 and invited a few of us to a ‘Dessert Buffet’ last night.  It was lovely (she is an amazing cook) and there was a huge spread of goodies from brownies with marshmallows, to cupcakes with marshmallows or chocolate chips, a chocolate cake, a poppy seed cake, cheesecake, a strawberry trifle, a strawberry parfait to home-made ice cream and some sorbets with spirits to drizzle over.

I managed to try about half of the things on offer – but as you can imagine they were all quite rich and at a certain point you just can’t do any more!

Near the end of the evening it got very uncomfortable though.  I’m not sure how, but the conversation turned to transitioning, or more precise to a colleague of someone who was.  And it was not a pleasant discussion.  Both Mrs Stace and I kept very quiet (I really do not want anyone there questioning me…) and were extremely uncomfortable.  Not so much hate, more ridicule.  This didn’t feel any better…  The conversation didn’t last very long, but it did leave a lasting bad taste in our mouths.  One thing that did surprise me…  One of the guys there is normally someone who comes out with things that just annoy me.  He is very much a topper type person (from Dilbert) and comes out with some of the most sexist and discriminatory comments.  And I don’t recall him saying much at all during this part of the conversation.

The real shame is that this is someone that Mrs Stace gets on very well with, and we would like to tell – so that Mrs Stace has someone outside of family to talk to.  We haven’t so far as she is known as ‘Radio ’ due to her ability to keep things to herself (last night’s conversation a perfect case in point).  After last night I guess there is another reason why she won’t be told…

After all that has gone well in the last few weeks, this was a real confidence killer...

The perfect compliments (and a couple of very nice ones!)

There are a few people who I work with that I consider friends as well as colleagues.  Some of these also know about Stacy and have been very supportive over the last 12 months.  I have one colleague who lets me use his flat whenever I need to get changed after work – as I have a real loathing of getting changed at my destination.  I have another one whose wife brought me a selection of makeup back from Mexico and has given me a lot of tips on how to apply it, and links to online tutorials to help hone my skills.

He said that he would like to meet Stacy, and I certainly have nothing against it so we arranged for me to go there for a meal this week.

I had my choice of outfit ready (actually I got the combination as a complete accident due to removing the skin from my shin when changing to the oil on the R6 a few weeks ago and not wanting to wear translucent, skin coloured tights whilst they were red and scabby – but it’s now one of my favourites), got ready after work at my other friends flat and went looking for their house.

I had a fantastic evening, chatting about this that and the other.  A bit of techy chat, a lot of girly chat with his wife (which completely eluded him, sorry for that!) and a lovely, real Mexican meal.  Well almost real – they had ran out of chillies so it was not hot, which is fine by me…

The compliments?

When I first walked in “Wow, if I didn’t know you I wouldn’t have known”.  What more could a girl ask for?  Seeing as I have never enjoyed being the centre of attention it is nice that I don’t stand out…

Then towards the end of the evening I asked how he was coping – he said he was little in shock and speechless when I first arrived.  But that after a while it just became natural talking to me.

Again, that just puts me so at ease – I am just me, I don’t think about how I should be acting when I’m out as Stace (after all having another façade would not help matters any) so it’s nice that someone else sees that I am just me, with no airs.

I got a nice compliment from his wife too – “You’re so pretty!” Whilst that is not as important to me as the first two (I’ve never thought of myself as good looking either in male clothes or as Stacy) it’s always nice to hear.  With my next appointment at the VU next week, and planning on taking public transport for the first time, all three compliments were a wonderful confidence booster :)

Oh, and she noticed that I have lost a lot of weight :)  That’s always nice to hear as well!

And of course the thing that had to go wrong…  His wife complimented me on how well I walked on heels and asked if I had trouble learning (I was in Mrs Stace’s 8cm heels).  I said no, not really I just started walking in them.

And then nearly fell down the stairs outside of their front door when leaving and bounced off of a wall.  Nothing hurt, except maybe my pride a little :) 

What I need...

Apparently I need more self-confidence.  That is something that my therapist said to me during my last session.  He also said don’t worry it’ll come…  We’ll see.

The situation came from my trips out a few weeks ago.  The Tuesday went fine, the Wednesday I had a terrible day.  Worried, panicking and just wondering what the hell I was doing with my life.  We deconstructed that in the session and we came to the Tuesday evening.  If you ready the post from then you’ll see that I had a great night – and I stand by that I did.

There was just one thing that got to me.  We were sitting eating and the guy who does the cooking in the café on a Tuesday came up and asked if we wanted anything else to drink.  And asked does *he* want anything else.  He has met me a few times before meeting Stacy, and I know that there was nothing to it except for habbit.  But it kind of deflated me a little, and I think that the following day it just got me really down.

Where does the confidence come into it?  My therapist told me that I should have corrected him – but I just don’t have the confidence to get into possible confrontational situations.  I’m sure he would have not caused one – but… Oh well, learning point I suppose.

Stace