Sunday, 31 August 2014

Still here

(Excuse typos this is not going to be much proof readong)

Without looking at the date of the last post I know that it has been a couple of months since I last posted. There are a few reasons, trying to cut down on what I am doing and spend time not looking at a couple of million liquid crystals (not really working), being exhausted and just really not in a place to write.

The last is strange really, it should be a good way of releasinhg the tension and yet everytime I have sat down...  Nothing, staring at a screen or looking at words that have been written and just thinking they are nowhere close to how I am feeling and what I need to say.

We're all OK in this house. The little guy is doing well, and still letting us sleep in a way that annoys my colleagues with children (for some reason complaing that he woke us up at 7am on a saturday morning is not appriciated by those people who count 6am as a lie in). Physically we are all in tip top shape.

My op has been delayed, yet again, for planning reasons unknown. The care given by the team at the VU is great, the planning sucks beyond belief. I have decieded that I'll beleive I am having the op when I am the table and not before - it's hopefully healthier than getting worked up (in a good way) only to be told that, nope, whilst we said August, very maybe September we are now saying very maybe October, but we don't know.

Work has settled down. I wasn't happy earlier and nothing is going to change the cause. But, I still love my job, I'm just no longer prepared to make myself ill for it. As I said to my manager great for my work life balance (I now try to work my 36 hours and not a minute more, rather than the 46 to 50 I was doin) and Christmas is going to be spent (outside of those 36 hours) with family, not firefighting major problems for 18 hours a day for 9 days in a row, as it was last year. This has also been said to my manager.

But those are not the issues either.

My dad is very sick. He was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year - about 2 weeks after the little guy was born actually.

It was caught early and should not have been a major problem. But it has been. Delays in getting the operation (more hospital planning screw ups) meant that it had spread locally before they could operate. They got everything, but it meant chemo.

And for more than a week now he has been feeling like giving up as the chemo has reacted very, very badly with him. In the words of the doctor who stopped it, it was killing him. He is now in hospital with a bad infection trying to fight both that and the remains of the chemo that has not yet flushed from his system.

And it's a rollercoaster. One day he is doing great, reading hundreds of pages of a book, and the next he is non-communicative and scaring the living daylights out of my mum.

The only good  news is that the professor at the hospital has said the emergency cat scan he had is clear. The bad news is that the oncologist still wants him to have more chemo and we don'tknow why, and dad is refusing it because of what the last lot did.

It's a very strange feeling, I look at the little guy and am so happy, and then I have this as well where I am crying on my keyboard.


  1. I am sorry to read this Stace, sorry for the delays and sorry for your Dad. I do hope that you Dad is on the mend soon and the Op properly scheduled !

    As for work, I have discovered that sometimes companies just take and take......and with little reward for you. Its hard to say no but sometimes you have to protect your own well being !

    Glad your Son is doing well :)

  2. Difficult times, indeed and I really hope your Dad is soon on the mend. A 7AM wake-up call at that age really is something to enjoy. Luckily, our two weren't bad either. A work-mate's kids used to wake him up at 5am to watch Thomas the Tank Engine. Joy ;-)

    Work is work and for what it's worth, sticking to the work/life balance sounds a really good plan. Fifty hours a week seems a very long time indeed.

  3. Stace,
    Glad that you, Mrs Stace and the little guy are ok.

    My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer about 2 years ago and had a mastectomy. They said the same as the doctors have said about your Dad that they got everything. They told her that she had to have chemo and like your Dad it made her ill and she ended up in hospital with an infection. At that point she decided she wanted no more chemo.
    When we check the doctors said they would like her to have chemo as a precaution but that it wasn't necessary.

    I don't know if the situation is the same with your Dad but it might be something worth checking with the doctors. Does he really need the chemo or is it just as a precaution. Could they reduce the dose to a level that won't make him ill.

    Also it might be worth checking with the doctors as they might think that they have got all of the cancer but if they've looked at what they've removed and the cancer goes right up to the edge of what they've removed they could be hedging their bets and deciding that extra chemo will ensure that if they've missed even a miniscule bit that they get it this way so it doesn't come back. We've just been through 6 weeks of radiotherapy with my son for a similar situation to ensure that he doesn't have a cancer tumour come back.

  4. Stace,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope he is back on his feet as soon as possible and feeling better. I would second what Jenna said about asking his doctors to explain their treatment decisions. *They* work for *you*, after all, not the other way around; as my sister (an ER nurse) points out, sometimes the doctors need to be reminded of that fact.

    I'm also glad to hear little Kleintje is doing well. I suppose he isn't so little anymore, though! :D Here's hoping he continues to be a late riser. :c)

    I hear you about the work front, btw. I know we joke about the similarities, but I reached the same point as you about six weeks ago. I have vowed that my days of working 50-60 hours every week for months on end are over - forever. That is just one of the changes I am making; stay tuned for details. :c)

    Speaking of which... I owe you a reply, Stace. I'm on vacation this week (yea!!!), so hopefully it will be forthcoming in the next few days. Lots happening on this side of the pond - mostly positive, happily. :c)

    Be well, sweetie, and take care of yourself! I think of you and you family every day. Best wishes and the most positive of vibes are en route to your Dad as you read this.

    Hugs & love,