Wednesday 25 April 2018

But will it help?

Warning: Outpouring ahead...

Yesterday I had my first therapy intake session.

An hour of going over the worst experiences of growing up. Of the humiliations of childhood and teenage years. Which came at me from all sides, home, school, and extended family. That have all tuck to this day - to the point where some of them still make me recoil when I think of them.

Being told from the age of 7 or 8 that I had to bury and fight my emotions. That showing them was a bad thing. That I was too emotional, a baby, and more than that: a cry baby.

Recounting how it feels when something happens now.

Learning that the feelings I have 90% of the day are panic attacks. For some strange reason knowing what they are actually makes it more scary.

Talking about being paralyzed with fear when a great opportunity turns up. Or any opportunity.

Currently I'm sitting having another attack. It's been ongoing since about 7:30 this morning - I'm typing this at 8:25.

I'm exhausted from yesterday, numb, wanting to curl up and cry my heart out, but being unable to have that release.

I'm exhausted because since I came out of the session I've been spending the time assuming that the therapist thinks I am faking it all. Along with the rest of the world.

I'll be fine. I'm sure that the numbness will drop away over time. And I am positive that I can't possibly have therapy without going through this. Not that that helps right now.

All of the above has nothing to do with the title of today's post.

Well, almost. I have two opportunities to get involved in things that I care about. Both of which will involve me doing something that will trigger my anxiety to their maximum levels.

And here the title is twofold.

Will pushing myself help my situation? Or will it simply reinforce the negative emotions that I have. Or will it do neither and leave my at my current position whilst still taking all of my energy just to stand still.

On the flip side, say I decide to take one or both opportunities. Would explaining my current situation help or hinder me? Hey, yes, I'd love to be involved (I really, really would, even though I know it will be hard work and scary - which only increases the stress of making the choice), but be aware this is ultra confrontational for me and there is a good chance that I am going to crack at some point and I will need someone to help pick up my slack at that point.

Saying that I want to help, but have limitations in what I can do.

But I feel that I cannot do that. That it's TMI. That people are going to say: oh, everyone has social anxiety, you'll be fine, just get over it (not that I have ever heard that in the past...)

Why should having a mental disorder be something that you have to keep quiet about. When I had the bone tumors removed from my hand a year ago it was obvious that there were things I could not do. That I would need help in certain tasks and that I had limitations.

You can't see my anxiety. The people who know that I am going to therapy have said that they would never have known how much I was struggling unless I had told them. My therapist said that he could see when I was getting emotional over my past, but when it came to the anxiety part I closed up and hid it - he wouldn't have known if I wasn't verbalizing it. And apparently that is normal - at least for people in my position it becomes normal, otherwise you cannot function in society. But you feel like you are going insane when you are doing it.

The fact that you can't see it means that to let people know you have to tell them.

Which in my head is translated to me yelling to the world how special I am. Even though it shouldn't feel like that, and it's not what I am doing, I hope - jeez, even I even do it to myself. And the circle begins again...


6 comments:

  1. Firstly, thank you for posting this. Sharing such deeply personal things is very brave. So it's walking into an appointment where a specialist is going to ask you to walk back into the nettles of memory.

    So, a story if that's okay. :-) You know I had depression - another invisible illness* - and it took a lot to get better.

    Years ago I was giving a presentation to about 100 co-workers (it's a big firm) and I said "I feel I need to apologise to you. There are times where I've chewed you out and been... just angry. I have depression and this doesn't let me off the hook for what I did, although it may explain it. I'm trying not to do this. So if I have done this to you, I'm sorry." We then moved on.

    Later, a number of folk came to talk to me about their experiences, and later still, I had a few emails.


    What's my point? That many people are also fighting are hard battle, and, yes, it's unknown or unseen. But, like with you becoming your true self, some folk are brave enough to stand up and say it's okay to be this way, and it's okay to struggle.

    It's not a case of being special. Does the guy on crutches because of his broken leg get a special badge because of his broken ankle?

    When I said about the invisible illness to my doctor and that physically I was fit for work, he looked me in the eye and said: "Mr Jones, if you're not able to work because you're not well - either mentally or physically - you're not well. There's no difference in my mind."

    I would say the same thing to you. Some illnesses are visible, some aren't, but anyone who's suffering such; they need our empathy, not condemnation.

    Stay strong, Mrs. You'll make it.
    L x

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    1. Hey Lynn,

      Thank you for taking the time to read it. When I wrote this I was climbing the walls on the verge of tears. I needed to do something to exorcise those thoughts and feelings, and seeing as that was the original purpose of my blog it seemed like a natural thing to do :)

      Thanks for you story, something that really helps me. and I assume others, is the knowledge that you are not alone. That this is more normal than most people realize.

      I'll get through this, I have no idea how yet - I cannot envisage a future where I am not crippled by this, I just have to trust that the therapist can help me navigate it.

      Groetjes,
      Stace

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  2. Hi Stace,

    First of all, good for you for going to your first therapy session. That takes a LOT of courage. I can assure you that your therapist does not think you're faking anything; this is what they do, and they know when someone is truly suffering.

    As we've discussed, I've also dealt with panic attacks throughout my life, so I know just how you feel. Trust me when I tell you - you CAN get past them. I did; you can - and will - do so as well. I would be more than happy to discuss my experiences with it, and how I worked with my therapist to deal with it. Drop me a line if you'd be interested; we can figure out how. :c)

    In the meantime, be good to yourself, hon. You took a huge, huge step this week! I'm proud of you, and I hope you're proud of yourself as well. You've got this, girl!

    Major, major hugs & love,
    Cass

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    1. Thanks Cass!

      I have faith that I'll get though, as I said to Lynn, I cannot see how yet, or imagine what life could be like afterwards, but I trust that the therapist knows his job and will help.

      I'll drop you a line soon,
      Stace

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  3. Hiya, Stace,

    It's terrifying to face your demons, but they are there even if you don't face them. Your therapist will help you get thru this, and has walked this path with others. No way does he think you are faking it.

    Starting therapy was a bold step forward, Stace. Trust the process. You are worth the effort.

    Much love,
    Leslie

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    1. Hey Leslie,

      They are, and I have been fighting them for long enough now. I need help, and I'm going to get it. Hopefully.

      I think that one of the really scary things is that your mind actively works against you in these situations. I heard it on a pod cast I love recently. I have imposters symdrome do badly that I sometimes don't even think that I have psychological issues.

      You worry that people are going to think that you are faking it so much that you start to think that you are faking it. I'm not. I know I'm not. And yet that though is still there...

      But, as you said, it is a step forward, and I'm going to do this!

      On the bright side, since I wrote the above I am doing slightly better. It's taken nearly two weeks, but I am getting better.

      Groetjes,
      Stace

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