The dreaded lurgy!

So, I missed last week. (And a few after... This has been a post long in the making!)

You could be forgiven for thinking that I was not doing so well after the appointment with the doctor. Actually it's because for most of last week I was struggling to think straight full stop.

It started on Saturday after I wrote the last post. Half way through breakfast I got a bit of stomach cramp. Nothing too bad, but not something I wanted to go running with. So I figured that if I left it for an hour it would pass. After an hour I was back in bed feeling really not great, and pretty much given up on running...

And there I stayed for most of the day. The problem was that I was supposed to be seeing a colleague perform in the theater that evening. Pfff... And it was a long drive.

By the time I needed to be moving for a shower and getting ready I felt OK. Ish. Got ready, had food and left. The performance was fantastic, but by the time it was over I felt as though I was sitting in a freezer. Rather than waiting for my colleague to emerge from back stage I had to leave whilst I still had some energy.

The drive home was not pleasant. Heated seats on full blast, and the climate control set up to 24 degrees just to keep the chill and shivers at bay.

Got home, shivered my way into bed and stayed there for 48 hours, my temperature stayed at 38.5 for a day longer than that. I'm now nearly at two weeks and still not close to being ready to run (I feel like I have already ran my marathon that I want to do this year!) and my brain is only just really coming back online. Everything has been thinking through syrup for the last week, which when you are code reviewing and not knowing what you are looking at doesn't help your anxiety!.

So, the appointment with the doctor? Actually, doctors. Multiple. Tuesday the hospital was it's normal efficient self. My x-rays were taken with no delay, and inside of 30 minutes I was talking to a doctor about the results. All good I'm pleased to say, I don't need to go back for another year!

My appointment with my GP also went really well. He took me seriously when I said I had issues with anxiety, asked how they felt, and (it felt) like he was trying to see what was going on with me. There was no question about a referral, I was worried about that as, whilst Dutch health care is great, they are trying to save on mental health like most counties. But, thankfully, I got the referral straight away and he then spent some time asking questions about what I wanted from a therapist. I have no idea, except for someone that I have a good click with so that I can be open and comfortable.

He had someone in mind that he thought would be a good fit for me and I was one my way. Afterwards I made the call to the therapist and I have an appointment for in a couple of weeks now (this post has been three weeks in the making).

Which can't come soon enough. Whilst I am stressed about how the appointment is going to go, my anxiety is sky rocketing right now. I don't know why, maybe because I know that I am going to start the process of trying to get better... What I do know is that I'm now on regular doses of valerian, something that my doctor said was a good idea. Not the full dose, but as needed.

But, don't worry about me, I'll get there. I'm struggling, but I am still working through - and hopefully about to get the help I need.

Old Habbits

So... Saturday morning and I am up and awake far too early again...

Nothing like the past, it was at least 6:30 before I was up - but that was still before the little man (who is sitting next to me as I type this now).

It's not too bad, I wanted to be up in time to watch the qualification for Formula 1. Not that I particularly enjoy it anymore. Not for a few years, there is just not enough action anymore - and what action there is is quite often faked by using DRS etc. But still I've watched since I was a small child, not much older than my little man now, and so you there is always the hope that the glory days will return.

So, what's been happening this week? Well, I've killed my feet running. In the last 7 days I managed 25km in two stints. Today I want to do another 10, at least. I haven't decided where yet, after I've finished writing this I am going to look for a nice route on Google maps and see if I can get to the beach and back without being gone for too long. Watch this space!

One good thing about going for the run is the peace it can, note can, bring to my head. And I am starting to need it. The coming week is  starting to loom in my head.

Monday is not going to be fun in the office, there is a colleague who is deliberately making life difficult for the whole team. His way or he works without thinking and is just making life a bit of a misery. I'm planning to give him a last chance to talk on Monday and then I'm just escalating it.

Then on Tuesday I have my 12 month checkup for my hand. Seeing as the pain it has caused me since we moved (which I am pleased to say is starting to die down now) I am not looking forward to seeing what they find when they x-ray the hand again. And we need to talk about the future in this appointment I think, after all with the disorder that I have they need to make sure that the growths do no come back, either in the hand or elsewhere. I don't know what the plan is for that and think that it's time to ask.

And I think that I have a buyer for the R6. Not the price I wanted for it - but the guy found a lot more wrong than I had seen, and not far off of what I think i can get. I am going to call him today accept his offer. Then my ownership of a motorbike, which I have had since 28th July 2000, will end. They've been fun, but I can't really argue with Mrs Stace about having a toy car and a toy bike is excessive. And the money that I'll get for the bike will go into the car to try and get it as finished as possible without hitting our savings again. And I can't wait to drive it again!

And of course Wednesday is the day to talk to the doctor. I am so not looking forward to that. I'm not sure what else to write about it. My head is spinning a little just thinking about it, so I'm not going to...

What I am going to try and do is concentrate on the fun things of next week.

On Wednesday the last components of the kitchen are being delivered. And on Friday the builders come back to fit them and finish it up. Then the downstairs is done! Except for the curtains and pictures that we want to hang on the wall.

And tonight I am going to a musical that is being put on by the theater group of our product owner: Big Fish. That is something, that being in a large group of people aside, I am so looking forward to!

Concentrate on the good stuff!

Appointment made

First of all I'd like to thank people for the support, either via comments, mail or other mediums. It's means the world to me to have such support.

It's been a major feature I'd my week, and I'm not sorry that I have a weekend of nothing much planned coming up.

I've had a chat with my close team, and one other colleague who has helped me in the past.

And...

I've made the appointment with the doctors.

Actually, i tried yesterday, but the first time the assistant was busy for 7 minutes with someone and I gave up waiting, and then they were closed for the afternoon. So I had to work up the courage the next day as well...

The call was fine, the assistant giving me a double appointment without asking why I wanted one. Now I'm stressing about what I'm going to say, how to word my feelings and where to go next. It feels good making this step. I know it's a step in the right direction, but it's not helped me yet.

Once I got off of the phone I updated our "out" board to say I wouldn't be in that morning. Then I told the team, they are really supportive and congratulated me on taking the step. Then I had to leave before I burst into tears...

Reversal

Happy weekend folks! The first week back on the office after three weeks at home is behind me now, and I am more than happy about that!

By Thursday I could barely keep my eyes open, my fuse was about .25 seconds long and I needed it done. 3 hours of commute due to bad traffic did not help that day!

Friday I was interviewing for a new Scrum Master. Not a day that I am normally in the office, but as it was during the little mans school day I could get there and back in time to pick him up. I hoped.

In the end I was really pleased I made the trip, it was very relaxed being in the office for 30 minutes without major deadlines to meet. It was also one of the most pleasant interviews I have ever had. But not something I can talk about...

The only fly in the ointment? I had to be home for 12, in good traffic it's 50 minutes to get home. I left the office with 52 minutes to spare! I may have got a ticket trying to make up some time. Which I didn't need to do. I got home with time to park, get the car, and cycle to his school to get him (trying to use the bike to get him to school as much as possible!).

Today? Well, here the reversal takes place. Not from the mood, I'm tired but happy, but the weather.

Last week I was skating in natural ice as a local pond. As most of Holland is low (that is North Holland where we used to live, and South Holland where we live now - not the normal replacing Nederland for Holland incorrectly ;p ) there are lots of ponds around the houses, with canals and brooks connecting them to allow for good drainage. This pond is 1/2 mile away from us and would be a park surrounded by houses if the drainage wasn't needed, leading to a second one. There is public access (good for canoeing next year as well), but is mainly just behind houses. As we had feels like temperatures of -18 during the week (that bad that running was cancelled by the instructor as the temperature meant the chance of injury was just too high) there was the upside that after just a couple of days there was enough ice to stand on, and by the weekend there were lots of people skating together on the canals and ponds. Even lakes and rivers in more inland parts of the country!

I'd had my skates sharpened a couple of weeks earlier, and had practiced in a skating hall, so it was time to try difficult natural ice! I still have the bruises! Coming in to stop after one session I must have hit a crack that had refrozen and went full flat on my face. Knees and arms hitting to the ice hard. I didn't realise how hard until I saw my knees later in the week and they were the colour of aubergines!

Today, well the ice has gone (from inches of ice to water in 4 days), the temperature was 15 degrees and I was skating with colleagues at an artificial ice rink. An inside rink where they skated (both are new to skating). I stayed with them for 30 minutes or so, trying to help, and when they wanted a rest I went to the 400m outside long-track rink and tried to clock up some mileage. I think that in all I managed 5 or 6 miles between the two rinks and loved it! But 15 degrees and an outdoor rink means that it was almost a swimming pool in places. When the Zamboni came around the clean the ice it didn't refreeze behind it! I can see why they close the rink at the end of March, which is a shame because I have really got into skating in the last week or so!

Aching now, but happy. I think that when the new season starts I am going to try and go more often. Sometimes in the figure skates that I inherited from Mrs Stace because I want to learn some tricks, and I am going to rent / buy some Noren skates to try and get my times down for the long distances.

I need to get back

So, life has actually been going quite well for me recently.

I've had a hectic year, we bought a new house, sold our old one.

I'm still recovering from my op last year, which has not been helped by moving home. Painting every wall in a house, and starting to clear the garden has not been kind. I have lost a lot of movement in my thumb, and I'm worried that I may have done permanent damage. I have an appointment coming up so they can check then. I'm actually really pleased that I do - if I hadn't then I would have had to request one...

Of course there are always the bits that you wish would go better.

My anxiety has been through the roof for a couple of years now, and shows no sign of abetting. I'm trying to push myself to do more thing to help it, but it seems that isn't having a good effect. I would, or rather should, be going to the doctors to try and get a referral to a psychologist - but the thought of doing that just skyrockets my anxiety even further. Catch 22...

Also, and the reason why I am writing this post, I need to quit Facebook. I'm getting sick and tired of the transphobic posts that I see coming through, from people I thought were friends. It's not even that they don't realise that they are posting transphobic things. They just think that transphobia doesn't exist and that we are just playing the victim.

What is harder is that some of these posts are from supposed life coaches, people who have their own issues due to their sexuality - who in the same post complain about being belittled due to their orientation, complaining that people don't even think that they exist, and in the next sentence call trans women entitled people who just feel that the world owes them sex.

I was so close to answering that, but have decided that getting into a Facebook argument with someone like that isn't worth my time or effort. But I needed to write something. So this post. Sorry.

My only issue is that there are people that I know from blogs in the past who I now only have contact with via Facebook. I don't want to lose that contact, and yet just want rid of Facebook...

I'm doing a short test. Facebook has been hidden on my phone so that I don't see it (I can't uninstall it unfortunately), it's been removed from my startup pages in Chrome so that I don't see it when I open a browser.

I'm not using it for the rest of this week. I'm going to see how I feel at the end and then I'll make a decision about what to do.

But what I am going to (try) to do is get back to posting here. Once a week, or once a fortnight. I am going to try and make some time for myself to spend 30 minutes locked away from the family and get some typing done. Hopefully it will be as cathartic as it used to be.

I hope not to mope, life is pretty good - I am in a pretty great place - physically and mentally, and I want my posts to reflect that.

I also want to split my previous FB time between two things:

1. Catch up on blogs that I have missed recently due to no time.
2. Catch up on tech blogs to see what I have missed in the tech world whilst watching FB for inanities.

Let's see how well it goes :)

Father's day

My first without one. I knew it was going to be tough, but wasn't prepared for how tough.

I've been in, or close and fighting back the, tears a lot today. Family weekend away, which was amazing. But watching the presents was just too tough.

My heart goes outto all who have lost theirs, either taken away or not in contact.

For those who still have one - geneite ervan, elke dag!

(Enjoy your time with them, every day!)

Back on the road

Two weeks ago I posted a picture of the bike stranded at the side of this road. Whilst waiting for the truck I took a couple of other pictures to pass the time. If you look carefully you can just see the mirror in this picture.

Today I went to pick it up! A new battery and a new mass air flow sensor (well a second hand one) and a new battery (seriously, how much!) and I’m back on the road! It took their mechanics half a day to find the fault and fix so I’m glad I didn’t do it :)

I picked it up and took it for a quick blast. Slow twisty roads, fast motorways and  very slow neighbourhood roads to get home. I loved almost every second of it. Almost.

At the worst possible time, 4th lane of a 130 kmph / 85mph motorway I noticed some fluff in my helmet. I was about bro open my visor to try and get rid of it when I saw that the fluff was black and yellow. You can imagine the language that went through my head (though not out of my mouth, I wasn’t going to risk that!)

Hazards on, head down so it doesn’t fall on me and get to the hard shoulder ASAP!

Thankfully it was dazed and so when I opened the helmet it just dropped into the grass verge and didn’t fly into my face!