One hour and thirty eight minutes

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that I was getting into a spin about a couple of things that I had to do, mainly contacting a friend who I had lost contact with and just got a number for and the other being the bone density test that I have to have to give my doctors a baseline (in Holland they do a test every 5 years to check that I am not losing bone density due to the hormones).

Well, the bone density test is on Tuesday afternoon, I’m still nervous – but have done lots of research online about what it is and how it is done.  It sounds painless – but crossing x-rays through my body just sounds wrong J  As a child I had a lot of x-rays and being a geek I did a lot of looking through encyclopedias and looking through books in the library (wow, remember the days before the Internet when you had to do that and couldn’t just put a search string into Google?) and to be honest I wasn’t happy with what I found.  They are not pleasant things, and it’s something that has a yearly limit.  Which in my at the time underage mind turned into you should avoid if at all possible.

So, I’ll be happy when it’s done and the thought of the buzz that the x-ray generator makes when the power is put through it is in the past again…  Fingers crossed for the result, too.

The other, the phone call.  I tried calling him over the last couple of week and always got his answer machine (some things don’t change – he was always difficult to contact by phone J).  In the end I decided to do something that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with, I decided to use the only other way of communicating with him that I had available.  Facebook.  I’m trying to think of a less suitable way to tell someone this information, and to be honest I’m kind of coming up blank…  But, it worked. He answered my message and we spent the rest of the evening passing messages backwards and forwards.  Mrs Stace commented that after eight years of not talking to each other we then spent the entire evening sending Facebook messages.

I got his house number and we arranged to chat last night.  It was great – we had great and open talk about my situation, about life in general on both sides, about other friends that I have lost contact with and reminiscing about our time in school.

He was really open about how he was taking it, and it turns out that after we lost contact he worked on the urology ward at the local hospital with Mr Terry and Mr Thomas. And so probably knows more about the next step of the process than I do.  He was saying that when he found out he accepted it straight away – after all that is the right thing to do (his words). He spent the next few nights thinking about it and trying to work out what must have been going on in my head and trying to figure things out and…  Couldn’t.  As he said it’s just something which he has no sphere of experience, and the only thing he can do is offer support in whatever I do.  I don’t think you can ask for anything more can you?  I can quite imagine that if you haven’t spent your whole life trying to deal with the constant thoughts in your head it must be really difficult to try and understand.  I find that a very open and fair comment, and was pleased that he was able to be so open with me.

He also surprised me in being one of the few people not to say “But you work with computers and ride motorbikes!”  I really don’t know why so many people I know think that women can’t enjoy working with computers or riding fast bikes…

All in all it was a wonderful call and we stayed chatting for 1 hour 38 minutes. It is a great weight off of my shoulders.

The coffee, the witch and the kitchen cupboard

Another week of 2012 behind us, and it’s flew past.

Possibly due to the amount of caffeine that I have been drinking this week.  You see one of the founders of the company has not been very present for the last few months, and he was feeling that he has lost touch with the people that work here.

His solution was fantastic.  He hired an espresso machine from a café and learnt how to be a barista. So on Monday morning I had, in place of my usual espresso and warmed milk, a real cappuccino. Handmade, using full fat milk and with a heart on the top (he wanted to do a tulip – this is Holland after all – but never quite managed to get those working). It has not helped my desire to lose weight.  I think it contributed to putting on ½ pound to be honest!

Now…  I love coffee (I know, as an English woman I should love tea – but no…  Coffee, coffee, coffee!) and I found it very hard not to keep going back. And so… I think on Monday I drank 7 or 8 in the office (plus the one I had before I left home). And that continued each day I worked in the office.  And, yes, I was climbing the walls J

After work I had to go and order a new sticker for our car.  We are taking a trip to a German Christmas market and the cost of the train was about triple that of the car.  But…  You have to prove that your car does not pollute the inner city.  Thankfully our car fulfils the requirements, but you have to prove it.  So I took a trip to the ANWB (Dutch AA / AAA depending on whether you are in the UK or America J) to order the sticker, and whilst I was there I thought it was an idea to get my details updated on their system (one of the ones I had forgot).

We got the paperwork for the sticker organised, and then we started with the details.  She asked what needed changing and I told her ‘De heer’ needs to be ‘Mevrouw’.  She commented that it was an unusual situation, I said yes assuming she meant the whole transitioning thing, but no.  “I’m terribly sorry, I have no idea how this mistake could get into the system.” I feel really guilty for not explaining what the issue was, but I couldn’t pull myself to do it…

Tuesday I was working from home, as the kitchen fitters were coming for the third attempt at doing it right (they didn’t).  That was also an interesting day.  In our home there are enough clues as to my past (not least the rather large wedding photo on the Piano that the fitter had commented on during his last visit when Mrs Stace was working from home).  So that fact that he was shocked when he opened the door, asked if I was the sister and got told, “No, I’m the partner.”  But for some reason he did not make the connection.  He was a very chatty person, and I must admit that whilst I agree with Jemmy’s assertion that we all have our history and there is no need to reinvent it.  But, at the same time I don’t feel the need to out myself to someone coming into my house for one afternoon.  A few questions were a little strained because I did not want to lie, but at the same time I did not want to tell the truth.  It was definitely an interesting afternoon.  Annoying too, with the fact that the third replacement cabinet was still broken meaning he has to come back again.

Wednesday was Halloween and I had a wonderful time (see my previous post)!  I know that it’s not really a Dutch tradition, but it was great how people reacted, and how many people want to be involved next year – it could be quite big...  The director making coffee even tried making a witches head in the foam rather than the heart (it wasn’t bad either!).

The strangest part was probably the fact that we are in a really stressful time at the moment. And in one of my most serious meetings I was sitting there in my witch costume, including hat, discussing IT resourcing for the project and technical limitations. Someone commented that it was strange – everyone acing normally, and yet occasionally realising something was odd.

In the evening I went to visit a couple of friends of mine, still as the witch, and their poor youngest daughter was terrified!  She came running to the door, saw the hat and then took three steps backwards…  Their eldest just laughed and thought it was funny – but I had to remove the hat and give it to the youngest before she would come near me J  It was a lovely evening, I always enjoy going to visit them and this time was no exception. My friend took a lovely photo of me going through an animal album that the girls are collecting at the moment.

And then yesterday was therapy day again.  It’s been a couple of months since the last time and seeing as everything is going well I only expect another couple of visits before I stop.  I see the point, I am getting prepared for the next steps, but I’m not needing the help as I did 30 months ago when I started.

It was a good chat, and he gave me some useful pointers and made me think about the short, medium and long term future.  And pointed out some home truths about something that was bothering me.  Basically pointing out that it is not something to be concerned about. Sorry a bit cryptic – but as I am not sure who reads this it’s all there is going to be J

Right! That’s already too long so I will stop there.  Time to get backing for Mrs Stace’s birthday – Pumpkin Pie and Chocolate New York Cheesecake.  Yum!

Happy Halloween!

Not that it's really celebrated here but still a few of us thought it would be fun :)

Whilst it was my idea I had not expected so much of an effort to be made!

Feeling ill, twice...

Right at this moment in time I am not feeling one hundred percent.  No, I've not eaten anything bad (I think) and I'm not coming down with anything (I hope).  It's just thinking about the unknown again. On two counts...

Firstly on November 13th I have to have a bone density test, and for some reason I am terrified.  I know that I shouldn't be.  Everything that I have read says that it is painless and the only thing that isn't too nice is having to possibly hold your breath for up to 30 seconds.

And yet I am so terribly nervous that it's causing my stomach to tie itself into knots just thinking of it and writing this.



The other, well...  The friend that I was going to call this weekend, and wondering how it is going to go. I have called him twice, and both times have not got an answer (nothing changes...  8 years ago you had to count yourself lucky if he answered his phone!)

But...  By now I have normally stopped being stressed by seeing people for the first time, and when telling people.  When I was in the UK there was almost no nerves left when seeing everyone and I was really pleased by it.  And yet...  Now it's like being back in December 2011 and having to call everyone again.  I'm back to the thinking of how to give the message, being terrified of how they are going to take it.  And, strangest of all, I'm going to have to use his name again!  After all I can't start with "Hi!  It's Stacy" now can I? No, I'm going to have to use his name again, and then go into the whole story (assuming of course that he hasn't already found out - I could be stressed about nothing!)



(Sorry, after along time I'm back to using the blog for stress relief again...  Not good, I know... I have therapy next week - I think I'll bring this up...)

You must be the sister-in-law

Every year, at about this time, we get a letter from our vet saying that it's time to renew the cats vaccination and to have him checked over.  It's a time of the year that he absolutely loves as you can imagine and getting him into his carrier is breeze!

:( Right, I now have rather comedy scratches down my arms and I had to clean up the stairs where he got...  Nervous.

As the cat is nice and healthy I have not seen the vet since last year, but being English and having a cat with an interesting name means that were are remembered.  We got there, went into the consult room and the vet said Hi to Mrs Stace, looked at me and said, "Ah, you must be the sister-in-law!" (Yes! I'll admit I loved it when he said that!)

But I told him no - but I do look rather different to the last time he saw me.  Cue a bit of an awkward silence as he stood trying to think where he knew me from (at this point I did not know how to carry the conversation further, and Mrs Stace had decided that I was on my own for this one ;p).  Then realisation spread across his face and he looked a little embarrassed as he said, "Sorry!  but I suppose it's a compliment?"  I just said yes, absolutely I will take that as a compliment!

The rest of the visit went as normal and we still have a healthy car, who was not impressed with his yearly injection...

Phew.  *Almost* the last time I am going to be put in that situation!

The other major thing that has occurred this week is that I have the mobile number of an old, very close friend who I had lost contact with over the years (isn't it amazing how people drift apart?).  I am going to call him today or tomorrow.  It's going to be interesting.  An out of the blue call from a friend who he hasn't spoken to in 8 years to say Hi, I have some news!  Should be interesting...

I'll post how it goes!

Damn documentation

I’ve been procrastinating about the last Dutch document change recently.  Not because I don’t want to do it, but just because there is so much else going on that it was always “I’ll get around to it”.  Well, I almost got around to it last weekend (I know what I have to do now, just have to buy an envelope - well many, but that is a different story! - to do it).

One thing that struck me was a link to the Gender Recognition Panel, something that will come in a few years so I thought I would take a look and see if there was anything there that would come in useful in the future.  Well…  What I found is that I hope to be Dutch before I need their help!

You see, the UK is a little backwards in its attitude to marriage as far as I am concerned.  In that it’s a man and a woman and nothing else. Now I can see that churches complain and say that they do not want to have to perform same sex marriages as it goes against their teachings.  Honestly I couldn’t care less, I do not want to force the churches to do anything – that’s internal housekeeping as far as I am concerned; as long as they are not teaching hate (that makes my blood boil!).

But there is no reason why you should not be able to get married in a registry office to whomever you wish (as long as you are both of age, and both consenting).  That has zero impact on religion – I have never understood how one person’s marriage can be so affected by someone else’s that they feel they have to campaign against it (it doesn’t say much for the foundation of their marriage really, does it?).  To be honest I think that Holland has it about right.  If you want to get married you go to the town hall and get married.  If you want a church wedding you can do that too.  After the town hall.  And as an aside if you can’t afford it they even have days where it’s free!

And in a town hall you can have same sex marriages.  So my changing gender should not be an issue (OK, getting the certificate changed is still something that I have to try, we’ll see if it’s really an issue once I have the town hall information changed).

But…  It is in the UK – I just read that as long as you are married that they would not give you the certificate, even though I live in a country where it doesn’t matter. How ridiculous is that?

So…  I guess I am going to have a choice.  Get divorced for the certificate or live without it.

As I never intend to live in the UK again I think I know which way that decision is likely to fall. 

The end of the beginning

Over the last few weeks I have started to end the first stage of my transition.  Well, actually, no, that is an awful way to put it, but I am not sure how else to word it 

So what has changed, and why do I think that one stage is ending?  Well, I just seem to be coming to the end of several things at the moment.

I started to have longer and longer gaps between therapy sessions, and there is nothing bad being discussed when I do go.  My therapist has said all along that I was not really in therapy per se, and that what I was having could be better described as coaching sessions.  But even that is now not really needed.  We had a two month gap between the last session and the next.  Assuming there are no problems then it will be four months from that session to the next and then 6 months before a final session.

The thought of stopping with therapy does scare me somewhat – after all it has been a large part of my life now for three years!  Actually it’s really hard to believe that it has been so long…  Of course this is outside of the gender clinic – after my intake there it was suggested that whilst waiting for my next appointment (their waiting list is extremely long) I would be a good idea to speak to someone.  As they are so busy, and have such a long waiting list they have to be more concerned with diagnostics and cannot give you the help that is really needed.  They gave me the number if a therapist who used to work for the gender clinic and I started to see him every two weeks to work though my thoughts.  I think that was one of the best decisions I ever made.  Trying to do this without the help would have led to a completely different result I think.

After 10 months my speech therapy is also drawing to a close. The gender clinic sent me to the ENT department to have a baseline done on my vocal cords, to check that there were no problems there and to see what was needed to help me. That was one of the worst parts of the process to date – when they film your vocal cords you are chocking on the camera and trying to still be able to talk.  I posted about it at the time, it ended with me vomiting all over the doctor trying to take the baseline  But whilst they did not manage to get the video they wanted, they did take the baseline that they needed.  Before starting I was at a tone and pitch that put be just outside of the male range, and just inside the female range – a very nice starting point, and seeing as I normally had to correct people on the phone before transitioning something that I was expecting.

They sent me to a therapist close to where I live who did an intake reading some Dutch text.  She had also commented that she was happy that with the information from the hospital, and her own initial impressions from when I made the appointment on the phone.  That mean that she could concentrate on dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s to just polish my voice.

Over the months she has helped me with my articulation, brought my speech to the front of my mouth (lots of repeating sounds like ‘tipietappietiipietappitippietappietoe’ to bring the sound to the front.

She also worked on pronunciation issues (I could never say the r’s at the start of words in English or Dutch – I’m somewhat of a Jonathon Ross there) and I now have a list of ‘tr’ and ‘dr’ words that I repeat whilst driving to and from the office.

And finally she has taught me intonation, to get the monotone out of my voice and in the process to slow down my speech.  This has also had the effect of really improving my presentation abilities at work.

The last visit that I had she said that she thought with the progress I had made that maybe it was time to concentrate on other things – it does cost a lot of time to do speech therapy.  We made a recording of the same text that I started with and then listened to both to compare.  Wow! Considering where I was starting from I was really not expecting to hear the difference that I heard! If it wasn’t for the fact that I know they were both me then I would not have known it was the same person.  Whilst we had not tried to change the tone or pitch it has actually changed just with the other things that we achieved.  I have another appointment in 5 weeks (well 4 now) just to check that I am not going to suffer by not having the appointments and if all is good that will be the last one.

So yes, winding down of therapy, end of speech therapy and even longer and longer between laser appointments makes me think that I am definitely approaching the end of the first phase…