6 years ago today at about this time I was sitting on the sofa trying to remain calm. Mrs. Stace was already having her hair and make-up done.
At 13:45 it will be 6 years since I said ‘Ja’ to a question I barely understood, and she said ‘Yes’ to a question I understood perfectly (we thought it would be cute if we did the question in each other’s language)
Ik hou van jou, nu en altijd.
Liefs ikke x x x x x x x x
Friday, 16 July 2010
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Vacation, what vacation
Well I've been back in the office now for 2.5 days and I am shattered... Not as stressed as before my holiday, but very tired. It's hot and humid here, with thunderstorms only providing brief respite from the oppresive air - at night it takes an age to get to sleep, then the alarm goes at 5:40 again the next morning. I think I may sleep well at the weekend! Hope so anyway...
My boss has just given me some scary news, that I have to prep for this afternoon. He on going on vacation for the next month or so (out one week, back one week then out for three) and so I have to take care of the job applicants in his absence. My name is currently on a number of job openings that we have on Monsterboard and our web site. Gulp. I normally sit in interviews very quietly listening to what the applicants are saying (or not) and asking a few technical questions. I then give my input as to whether I think they are suitable for the job / our environment. I looks as though I am going to be the one leading the interview whilst he is away... Nice to know he has the faith in me, it's a scary prospect of actually doing it though...
I'm also struggling for idea's for presents at the moment. In a weeks time my counter increments by another year and my in laws are asking what to buy me. Problem is the things that I would like are expensive (Mrs Stace would say most of what I want is expensive ;p ) or things that I am not sure how much I am comfortable asking for just yet (like a contribution towards the second wardrobe that I am now building seeing as I would like a choice of things to wear when I go out)...
I'm struggling to make my point understood with Mrs Stace about that as well. I have a couple of outfits, which I like, and she doesn't see the reason why I don't just wear those. But... Yes I like them, but they are old, or maybe not quite the best fit. Or other small niggles that pull at my self confidence. Going out, whilst I'll admit went better than I was expecting, is still a big thing for me - and I suspect will be for a while. The thought of going out in something where I am not 100% comfortable kills my confidence somewhat and is something I would rather avoid for a while. It's bad enough in man mode to leave the house in clothes I am not totally happy with - as Stace, at present, it's worse...
My boss has just given me some scary news, that I have to prep for this afternoon. He on going on vacation for the next month or so (out one week, back one week then out for three) and so I have to take care of the job applicants in his absence. My name is currently on a number of job openings that we have on Monsterboard and our web site. Gulp. I normally sit in interviews very quietly listening to what the applicants are saying (or not) and asking a few technical questions. I then give my input as to whether I think they are suitable for the job / our environment. I looks as though I am going to be the one leading the interview whilst he is away... Nice to know he has the faith in me, it's a scary prospect of actually doing it though...
I'm also struggling for idea's for presents at the moment. In a weeks time my counter increments by another year and my in laws are asking what to buy me. Problem is the things that I would like are expensive (Mrs Stace would say most of what I want is expensive ;p ) or things that I am not sure how much I am comfortable asking for just yet (like a contribution towards the second wardrobe that I am now building seeing as I would like a choice of things to wear when I go out)...
I'm struggling to make my point understood with Mrs Stace about that as well. I have a couple of outfits, which I like, and she doesn't see the reason why I don't just wear those. But... Yes I like them, but they are old, or maybe not quite the best fit. Or other small niggles that pull at my self confidence. Going out, whilst I'll admit went better than I was expecting, is still a big thing for me - and I suspect will be for a while. The thought of going out in something where I am not 100% comfortable kills my confidence somewhat and is something I would rather avoid for a while. It's bad enough in man mode to leave the house in clothes I am not totally happy with - as Stace, at present, it's worse...
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Stacy Steps Out
Well the travelogue is going to have to wait... I thought that I would go with the visit to my therapist this week...
I decided to go as Stace. This is the first time I have left the house as Stace. My therapist offered a room to get ready there instead of driving there fully dressed but I just couldn’t do that. Everybody who knows has told me that having GID is nothing to be ashamed of. That has taken some working into my head. To then run around in man mode before changing is not something that fits with that, and would just enforce the whole thing that it is something to be embarrassed and feel guilty about. I run the risk of running into my neighbours of course, but that is something that Mrs Stace is more concerned about that I am. I do feel guilty about it for her...
I started to get ready thinking I was going to be late, and ended up being far too early worrying that my make up was going to run before I even left the house. I managed to do my nails before the shakes started (thankfully) but did poke myself in the eye with the mascara brush again once they did.
The first 10 minutes after leaving the house were the worst. I had to fight the urge to check the street from upstairs and *run* to the car so I could hide behind the steering wheel. Managed it, got in changed into shoes more suitable for driving and got going. I was shaking that much that I had to pull up around the corner and breath for a few seconds before continuing, and struggled with the clutch for a while (a T5 clutch, in unfamiliar shoes, and shaking uncontrollably is not the easiest...) Getting stuck in traffic in town was not fun, and I began to wonder if I had done the right thing – I wanted blacked out windows whilst standing t red lights...
Got to the motorway and started to relax. By the time I was halfway there it was just wonderful to finally be out in the world as me. Until the airco decided to shut down again (it’s been playing up since Leicester) and I was worried about getting out of the car soaked...
Parked up with no issues and went looking for a parking machine to buy a ticket. That was the only real test of the day. There was a crowd of burly teenagers around one machine and I thought better of using that one and walked a little further in order to avoid them. I have to say that walking 1/2km in heels is different than walking around the house – but I coped :)
On the way back to the car I got a look from a woman going into a house just a couple of doors down from my therapists. Was it a *LOOK* or merely a glance that I misinterpreted as I was feeling a little venerable. (My therapist thinks it’s more likely to be the latter).
The session went well; we spent the time discussing my family and their reactions over the vacation time in the UK. He complimented me on the outfit and said if I walk with confidence I don’t stand out. I must admit that walking past a shop window I thought I looked good until my neck, then it all goes awry – he (and my mum later on the phone) disagreed. Maybe I just need a little confidence to see it, I don’t know...
He was surprised by my parents, and joked that they are in danger of destroying his image of the uptight Brits not being able to cope with these things...
Going home went well (apart from no air still!) and I managed to get back into the house without my neighbours also being out and about in their front gardens as I parked (I don’t mind too much if they see me, but it’s not something I am relishing). I spoke about that with my therapist – he asked what I was going to say, and told me to just keep it simple. Be normal, don’t try to hide, and don’t go into big explanations straight away – just say hi if that’s what you normally do, it’s enough of a big thing in their head without adding to it with heavy explainations. He pointed out that it’s not something ‘wrong’ or ‘illegal’ and that I wasn’t wearing some ‘out there’ outfit with a red feather boa, but a smart casual skirt and top that wouldn’t be out of place in an office. Good advice – wonder if I can keep to it?
So first major step as Stace taken... But I am so glad that I did not have to interact with anyone outside of my therapist – I guess I have to do that at some point, but I am not looking forward to that!
I decided to go as Stace. This is the first time I have left the house as Stace. My therapist offered a room to get ready there instead of driving there fully dressed but I just couldn’t do that. Everybody who knows has told me that having GID is nothing to be ashamed of. That has taken some working into my head. To then run around in man mode before changing is not something that fits with that, and would just enforce the whole thing that it is something to be embarrassed and feel guilty about. I run the risk of running into my neighbours of course, but that is something that Mrs Stace is more concerned about that I am. I do feel guilty about it for her...
I started to get ready thinking I was going to be late, and ended up being far too early worrying that my make up was going to run before I even left the house. I managed to do my nails before the shakes started (thankfully) but did poke myself in the eye with the mascara brush again once they did.
The first 10 minutes after leaving the house were the worst. I had to fight the urge to check the street from upstairs and *run* to the car so I could hide behind the steering wheel. Managed it, got in changed into shoes more suitable for driving and got going. I was shaking that much that I had to pull up around the corner and breath for a few seconds before continuing, and struggled with the clutch for a while (a T5 clutch, in unfamiliar shoes, and shaking uncontrollably is not the easiest...) Getting stuck in traffic in town was not fun, and I began to wonder if I had done the right thing – I wanted blacked out windows whilst standing t red lights...
Got to the motorway and started to relax. By the time I was halfway there it was just wonderful to finally be out in the world as me. Until the airco decided to shut down again (it’s been playing up since Leicester) and I was worried about getting out of the car soaked...
Parked up with no issues and went looking for a parking machine to buy a ticket. That was the only real test of the day. There was a crowd of burly teenagers around one machine and I thought better of using that one and walked a little further in order to avoid them. I have to say that walking 1/2km in heels is different than walking around the house – but I coped :)
On the way back to the car I got a look from a woman going into a house just a couple of doors down from my therapists. Was it a *LOOK* or merely a glance that I misinterpreted as I was feeling a little venerable. (My therapist thinks it’s more likely to be the latter).
The session went well; we spent the time discussing my family and their reactions over the vacation time in the UK. He complimented me on the outfit and said if I walk with confidence I don’t stand out. I must admit that walking past a shop window I thought I looked good until my neck, then it all goes awry – he (and my mum later on the phone) disagreed. Maybe I just need a little confidence to see it, I don’t know...
He was surprised by my parents, and joked that they are in danger of destroying his image of the uptight Brits not being able to cope with these things...
Going home went well (apart from no air still!) and I managed to get back into the house without my neighbours also being out and about in their front gardens as I parked (I don’t mind too much if they see me, but it’s not something I am relishing). I spoke about that with my therapist – he asked what I was going to say, and told me to just keep it simple. Be normal, don’t try to hide, and don’t go into big explanations straight away – just say hi if that’s what you normally do, it’s enough of a big thing in their head without adding to it with heavy explainations. He pointed out that it’s not something ‘wrong’ or ‘illegal’ and that I wasn’t wearing some ‘out there’ outfit with a red feather boa, but a smart casual skirt and top that wouldn’t be out of place in an office. Good advice – wonder if I can keep to it?
So first major step as Stace taken... But I am so glad that I did not have to interact with anyone outside of my therapist – I guess I have to do that at some point, but I am not looking forward to that!
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Another vacation over!
Well after 4000km’s I’m back home! Strange isn’t it no matter how much you enjoy being away there is something great about getting home again afterwards!
So now I have a week and a half’s back reading to do, wish me luck! And I guess I’ll try a bit of a travelogue over the weekend...
For now though I think the important stuff should come first...
It was great to see my parents again, I hadn’t seen them since 4th (or 3rd, can’t remember) of Jan, a few days after telling them. They are still fine, more than fine in fact. I asked if they could see if it’s possible to get a small St Christopher (about my only superstition, strange seeing as I am not religious) to wear as Stace as my everyday one is too big. I meant to go shopping. I got there and was given a present by my mum – a beautiful, delicate silver one, on a silver chain. She said that they were going to put a card with it ‘To Stace, love mum and dad’ but didn’t want to upset Mrs Stace so left that out in the end. But the fact that they thought about doing that felt great.
Then later in the week she was talking about Birthday cards (I’m another number closer to mid thirties in 13 days) and asked if I wanted a card with ‘Son’ on it, or something else. I said that son would be fine, but it was great that thay asked... Then I felt really guilty again for putting it all onto them...
We had a good week in Scotland – I’m pleased to say it was not ‘the’ topic of the week and it’s nice to see that we still have the same relationship as before (I spent hours in the garage looking at the rust and rot that used to be my Spitfire, finally in a garage ready for the restoration; and did some Italian cooking with my mum)
I had ‘the’ conversation with my brother. We watched England lose to Germany (and I thought great, I wanted him to be in a good mood before we started), told him and his reply was ‘And? Don’t change nowt. You show me someone with nothing in their closet and I’ll show you planet X’. When I said I was at the VU he just said ‘Good Lad’. That was it, as Mrs Stace later said; it was a bit of an anticlimax!
And finally for today... During my trip I met up for food, drink and a chat with Jenny. It’s great to put a person to someone who you know so well, but have never actually met... It was a great lunch, and thanks again for the cider. Now I am back home I am planning on enjoying them over the weekend (just one question – should they be cold?)
Apologies to those who I would have liked to try and arrange something with; time and Mrs Stace’s comfort zone were not on my side this trip. Hopefully next time....
So now I have a week and a half’s back reading to do, wish me luck! And I guess I’ll try a bit of a travelogue over the weekend...
For now though I think the important stuff should come first...
It was great to see my parents again, I hadn’t seen them since 4th (or 3rd, can’t remember) of Jan, a few days after telling them. They are still fine, more than fine in fact. I asked if they could see if it’s possible to get a small St Christopher (about my only superstition, strange seeing as I am not religious) to wear as Stace as my everyday one is too big. I meant to go shopping. I got there and was given a present by my mum – a beautiful, delicate silver one, on a silver chain. She said that they were going to put a card with it ‘To Stace, love mum and dad’ but didn’t want to upset Mrs Stace so left that out in the end. But the fact that they thought about doing that felt great.
Then later in the week she was talking about Birthday cards (I’m another number closer to mid thirties in 13 days) and asked if I wanted a card with ‘Son’ on it, or something else. I said that son would be fine, but it was great that thay asked... Then I felt really guilty again for putting it all onto them...
We had a good week in Scotland – I’m pleased to say it was not ‘the’ topic of the week and it’s nice to see that we still have the same relationship as before (I spent hours in the garage looking at the rust and rot that used to be my Spitfire, finally in a garage ready for the restoration; and did some Italian cooking with my mum)
I had ‘the’ conversation with my brother. We watched England lose to Germany (and I thought great, I wanted him to be in a good mood before we started), told him and his reply was ‘And? Don’t change nowt. You show me someone with nothing in their closet and I’ll show you planet X’. When I said I was at the VU he just said ‘Good Lad’. That was it, as Mrs Stace later said; it was a bit of an anticlimax!
And finally for today... During my trip I met up for food, drink and a chat with Jenny. It’s great to put a person to someone who you know so well, but have never actually met... It was a great lunch, and thanks again for the cider. Now I am back home I am planning on enjoying them over the weekend (just one question – should they be cold?)
Apologies to those who I would have liked to try and arrange something with; time and Mrs Stace’s comfort zone were not on my side this trip. Hopefully next time....
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Life CV
Well my life CV has just been sent off to my therapist in preparation for my next session.
Was everything there? Probably not. But I could go back and rewrite it hundreds of times I think without remembering everything.
It is however one of the most honest and open things I have ever written. There were tears of hapiness in my eyes from the good times, my wedding day for one, from the bad a sort of detached 'god I hated that time' but nothing more. I still have to decide if I not getting upset is a good thing, of if the detachment is a bad thing...
My life in 16 pages and 10000 words...
Don't get scared if I don't update for a week or so - I am not going to be able to blog for a week or so!
Was everything there? Probably not. But I could go back and rewrite it hundreds of times I think without remembering everything.
It is however one of the most honest and open things I have ever written. There were tears of hapiness in my eyes from the good times, my wedding day for one, from the bad a sort of detached 'god I hated that time' but nothing more. I still have to decide if I not getting upset is a good thing, of if the detachment is a bad thing...
My life in 16 pages and 10000 words...
Don't get scared if I don't update for a week or so - I am not going to be able to blog for a week or so!
Monday, 21 June 2010
You may want to run that through your head one more time...
I called my dad for fathers day yesterday. Normally I send a card, but they were all a bit naff so I left it this year. We had a good chat about the state of the garage (almost ready for the Spit now with doors, electricity, a work bench and a compressor on the way - my parents spoil me, even if I have paid for half the building work to be done), his car, my car, my bike. It was fun, not a single reference to my GID - which makes a pleasent change. Not that he has an issue, or that I object to talking about it with them, I just want to make sure that it doesn't define my relationship with my parents.
I spoke to mum as well. We were talking about how since hy dad has had his heart attack you can tell when he's tired due to changes in his eyes. Apparently a friends of theirs have the same thing - he had a stroke, has recovered since thankfully, but one of his eyes now closes when he gets tired. So she said to me 'you men, you think you can hide things from us women - but we know!'. I answered with 'you may want to run that through you head one more time' At which point she burst out laughing and asked if I could tell when Mrs Stace was telling a little fib (I can). Totally going against what I said about talking to my dad, but I think it needed saying :)
I spoke to mum as well. We were talking about how since hy dad has had his heart attack you can tell when he's tired due to changes in his eyes. Apparently a friends of theirs have the same thing - he had a stroke, has recovered since thankfully, but one of his eyes now closes when he gets tired. So she said to me 'you men, you think you can hide things from us women - but we know!'. I answered with 'you may want to run that through you head one more time' At which point she burst out laughing and asked if I could tell when Mrs Stace was telling a little fib (I can). Totally going against what I said about talking to my dad, but I think it needed saying :)
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Childhood
I finally managed to remember what I was planning on writing yesterday! It suddenly came back to me :)
I'm busy at the moment writing my Life CV for my next trip to the therapist. It's amazing how you can sit staring at a blank Word document thinking what on earth can I put into this, then once you get going memories start to come flooding back, you jump from one to another and suddenly you have 8 pages, 5000 words and are only half way through.
There are a lot of things that I had forgotton about, to be honest I am not sure I'm happy that I remembered most of them - or the fact that those that were the worst memories, that really took me to low points in my life, *still* didn't make me cry. I started to well up once or twice, but for the rest it just felt... Clinical and detachted. Maybe I'll bring that up with him when we discuss it...
But... There were happy times as well, lots of them in fact. We were watching Mock The Week and one of the panelists mentioned Rainbow (a British childrens TV program, that I used to watch when very small). Mrs Stace (being Dutch and not having ITV) looked at me as if to say what are they talking about so I searched for it on You Tube. She saw a clap and now thinks all brits are insane I think (A talking pink hippo, a bear and whatever Zippy is (beyond annoying) I have no idea why she'd think that... But... It got worse. In the related videos was "Button Moon" - something I was addicted too pre-school. And from there I went to link, to link, to link :)
Excuse the overkill of YouTube vids here...
Button Moon
The Trap Door
Count Duckula (David Jason was great in kids cartoons)
Danger Mouse (See what I mean :) )
And of course... Mr Ben
Thankyou for joining me on this happy trip through my childhood :)
I'm busy at the moment writing my Life CV for my next trip to the therapist. It's amazing how you can sit staring at a blank Word document thinking what on earth can I put into this, then once you get going memories start to come flooding back, you jump from one to another and suddenly you have 8 pages, 5000 words and are only half way through.
There are a lot of things that I had forgotton about, to be honest I am not sure I'm happy that I remembered most of them - or the fact that those that were the worst memories, that really took me to low points in my life, *still* didn't make me cry. I started to well up once or twice, but for the rest it just felt... Clinical and detachted. Maybe I'll bring that up with him when we discuss it...
But... There were happy times as well, lots of them in fact. We were watching Mock The Week and one of the panelists mentioned Rainbow (a British childrens TV program, that I used to watch when very small). Mrs Stace (being Dutch and not having ITV) looked at me as if to say what are they talking about so I searched for it on You Tube. She saw a clap and now thinks all brits are insane I think (A talking pink hippo, a bear and whatever Zippy is (beyond annoying) I have no idea why she'd think that... But... It got worse. In the related videos was "Button Moon" - something I was addicted too pre-school. And from there I went to link, to link, to link :)
Excuse the overkill of YouTube vids here...
Button Moon
The Trap Door
Count Duckula (David Jason was great in kids cartoons)
Danger Mouse (See what I mean :) )
And of course... Mr Ben
Thankyou for joining me on this happy trip through my childhood :)
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