Going on from my post yesterday:
The comments played on my mind throughout the night – did I word my thoughts badly (serious possibility, I am not the best writer in the word and struggle to get thoughts from my head onto paper), or am I being naive and foolish; or somewhere in the middle.
About the diagnosis from the VU, let’s see if I can get this coherently out of my head. I know what I am, and I *think* I know what I need to do to move forward with my. But this is a life changing decision – and if it’s not the right one I am going to be in so much more trouble than I already am at present. Ergo I will listen to what is said during the diagnostic phase at the VU, but I am not just going to transition because the doctors tell me too. I think I have worded my decision the wrong way around though - maybe because I am afraid of the impact of the other wording or maybe because I am still thinking everything through.
From what I understood at the open information evening the diagnosis is only a part of the decision from the VU on whether it’s a good idea to go forward. There is also the consideration of your personality type, psychological strength and ability to deal with the fall out of transition. If they believe that you are not going to be able to cope with life after transition they tell you.
With that in mind I think that this is more accurate: If the VU tell me they feel I do not have what it takes to cope then I will listen to them, they don’t just close the door and leave you to struggle, they open doors to other therapy to help you. If they tell me that they think I will be able to cope and that it would be a good idea to transition then I may go down that route.
Hopefully over the course of the next 12 months, with the therapy that starts this week and with the VU, whenever that starts, I can join the dots in my head and know what the right path is. I am not going to rush into anything blindly.
As for telling my company (my boss and HR), I guess that there are a few reasons.
First and foremost my performance has been awful for the last 6 months. 60% of what I can do at best. I love my job, it’s the only job I have had where after 2 years I didn’t feel the need to get out and where I have lasted longer than 2 ½ years (just had my 4 year anniversary in fact). When waking up at 5:40 every morning the only thing that makes me groan is the fact that it is 5:40, not that I have to go to work. I would rather that they know why I am performing badly at the moment, than guess at reasons that would not look good for me on my yearly review.
I’d never thought of it as testing the waters to gauge the reaction, but I guess there is an element of truth there as well I guess. And yes it is a great company to work for – on all counts.
Melissa noted that my colleagues have suspicions and still seem like me. I had not thought of it that way since I heard the information on Friday night. Thanks – that has helped me a lot :)
To be honest there is another reason I have told more people now: I’ve grown tired of hiding. When someone is asking you seriously what’s wrong and you can’t tell them it just adds to the weight of the problem in my mind, I spiral a little bit further down, and the person asking see’s that I am being cagey and they get either more concerned – which doesn’t help me at all.
Plus I am an ex-pat. I have two groups of people that I know: in laws and (ex) colleagues. The colleagues that I have told (with the exception of HR) are the ones that I also see outside of work, which I invite to my yearly summer BBQ. If I start to transition outside of work those that know about it will be my colleagues. Those who I trust and who I speak to when I am having issues are my colleagues. It’s difficult to separate the two unfortunately. When I was in the UK it was quite a different situation. I saw my colleagues 9 till 5, Monday to Friday. I saw my friends in the evening. I think that’s a very different dynamic to what I have now. How much of an excuse or how valid that is I am not sure.
I am not sure that is as coherent as I was aiming for, but it felt good to write it down and work it though it in my head. Thanks to everyone who commented yesterday, thanks for both the support and the questions that have continued to make me think about what I am doing and feeling.
And thanks for caring enough to spend the time writing them.
Stace
Sunday, 6 June 2010
Saturday, 5 June 2010
Threadbare
Wow, a lot has happened this week... And I am not sure what to make of it all.
Chrissie left a comment last week saying 'the cover is wearing thin'. I think that is quite a correct interpretation of where I am at present. I am tired of lying to people and trying to cover my tracks. I’m finding it more and more difficult to cover up my mannerisms and having to try and be careful all of the time. And that fact has led to a few situations this week...
Mrs Stace and I had a few chats last weekend. I can't remember what I was talking about but I said something that when played back in my head came out quite differently that I meant it.
"That's not my way of telling you I am going to transition"
"The writings on the wall, it's been there for a while"
"Maybe you are right... But that's still not my way of telling you I'm going to transition"
That was on my mind for the rest of the day, and I was getting a little worked up. Later in the day (well actually at night after we had gone to bed) I told her that if the VU say that they feel transitioning would be the best thing for my mental health I probably will. Obviously with what she was saying earlier in the day it was not a shock for her. But it is something else that she has to deal with.
I told the people in the office that know (a couple of colleagues and my boss) and they all came out with variations on the same sentence. ‘Kind of assumed you would.’ And I decided to get the HR woman involved – she knows that something is going on, but not what. We went for a long walk and I told her everything. She was great, really supportive and told me it would not affect my job in any way – and was shocked that I thought people were going to react badly, pointing out that The Netherlands is quite an open country, and that the company (as in employees) is very open and that whilst we have our share of manly men Alpha Males, that she feels even they would accept it should I decide to transition next year, and commented that it’s nice to think that the IT dept has more women in it.
She also commented that people (read women in the office) thought I was quite a feminine man and so wouldn’t necessarily be surprised. That surprised me as I rather naively thought I still put on a reasonable act. Guess not... Asking what she could do to help I gave my normal answer “react the way you reacted and don’t feel sorry for me”.
The differences between the way men and women see things is odd though. I told my boss that I had spoken to HR and let them know what was going on. I told him about the feminine man comment and he didn’t see it at all. When I told Mrs Stace she said ‘well yes, what do you expect?’ Interesting
Last night things got a little intense. We have a foosball table in the IT department, but with a change in the way out building is used we lost the space where we could use it to during the day. Seeing as it’s something we all used to enjoy I arranged a foosball evening for those interested. As is the way of these things it started with lots of enthusiasm, people chasing me up for dates etc and ended up with 6 of us (from a group of nearly 30). The idea was beer, pizza and foosball.
When it came to ordering the pizza someone though it was a good idea to go to a restaurant instead of ordering in, we rang and got a table and went on our way. We were all having a good time, those who lived close to the office arranged to meet their other halves there and we were all having a light hearted go at each other’s nationality (Dutch, French, English and Indian) when suddenly there was this weird noise coming from next to me. One of my colleagues started to choke most of the group froze, and I checked that he was actually chocking and then started whacking him on his back, and was trying to remember how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre. Thankfully the whacks were enough and he sat back in his seat. I just couldn’t get over it though and at the point when one of the wives asked if I was OK just had to get out of the restaurant.
Now the reason why it hit me so hard is that 20 years ago (more or less) I was chocked on a piece of bacon and my lips were turning blue and I was passing out before my dad managed to remove it. That is something that I just can’t get over – eating bacon still frightens me and everytime I hear what sounds like someone choking I go into panic mode.
The guy that was choking came out to see if I was OK, by which time I was in tears collapsed against the wall outside the restaurant. He came out to ask how I was doing, we went for a walk to try and calm me down. And I ended up telling him both reasons why I was so emotional at that point. He took it well, and was not totally surprised. He confirmed that people had noticed something about me, and that someone commented that they would not be surprised if I was gay.
This got me thinking... If people already think that I think I would rather they knew the truth - I don’t think it’s something I am going to do, but I guess it’s something to speak to my therapist about when I start (first session Thursday morning BTW - woohoo).
Oh well time for a skate whilst the weather is good I think.
Chrissie left a comment last week saying 'the cover is wearing thin'. I think that is quite a correct interpretation of where I am at present. I am tired of lying to people and trying to cover my tracks. I’m finding it more and more difficult to cover up my mannerisms and having to try and be careful all of the time. And that fact has led to a few situations this week...
Mrs Stace and I had a few chats last weekend. I can't remember what I was talking about but I said something that when played back in my head came out quite differently that I meant it.
"That's not my way of telling you I am going to transition"
"The writings on the wall, it's been there for a while"
"Maybe you are right... But that's still not my way of telling you I'm going to transition"
That was on my mind for the rest of the day, and I was getting a little worked up. Later in the day (well actually at night after we had gone to bed) I told her that if the VU say that they feel transitioning would be the best thing for my mental health I probably will. Obviously with what she was saying earlier in the day it was not a shock for her. But it is something else that she has to deal with.
I told the people in the office that know (a couple of colleagues and my boss) and they all came out with variations on the same sentence. ‘Kind of assumed you would.’ And I decided to get the HR woman involved – she knows that something is going on, but not what. We went for a long walk and I told her everything. She was great, really supportive and told me it would not affect my job in any way – and was shocked that I thought people were going to react badly, pointing out that The Netherlands is quite an open country, and that the company (as in employees) is very open and that whilst we have our share of manly men Alpha Males, that she feels even they would accept it should I decide to transition next year, and commented that it’s nice to think that the IT dept has more women in it.
She also commented that people (read women in the office) thought I was quite a feminine man and so wouldn’t necessarily be surprised. That surprised me as I rather naively thought I still put on a reasonable act. Guess not... Asking what she could do to help I gave my normal answer “react the way you reacted and don’t feel sorry for me”.
The differences between the way men and women see things is odd though. I told my boss that I had spoken to HR and let them know what was going on. I told him about the feminine man comment and he didn’t see it at all. When I told Mrs Stace she said ‘well yes, what do you expect?’ Interesting
Last night things got a little intense. We have a foosball table in the IT department, but with a change in the way out building is used we lost the space where we could use it to during the day. Seeing as it’s something we all used to enjoy I arranged a foosball evening for those interested. As is the way of these things it started with lots of enthusiasm, people chasing me up for dates etc and ended up with 6 of us (from a group of nearly 30). The idea was beer, pizza and foosball.
When it came to ordering the pizza someone though it was a good idea to go to a restaurant instead of ordering in, we rang and got a table and went on our way. We were all having a good time, those who lived close to the office arranged to meet their other halves there and we were all having a light hearted go at each other’s nationality (Dutch, French, English and Indian) when suddenly there was this weird noise coming from next to me. One of my colleagues started to choke most of the group froze, and I checked that he was actually chocking and then started whacking him on his back, and was trying to remember how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre. Thankfully the whacks were enough and he sat back in his seat. I just couldn’t get over it though and at the point when one of the wives asked if I was OK just had to get out of the restaurant.
Now the reason why it hit me so hard is that 20 years ago (more or less) I was chocked on a piece of bacon and my lips were turning blue and I was passing out before my dad managed to remove it. That is something that I just can’t get over – eating bacon still frightens me and everytime I hear what sounds like someone choking I go into panic mode.
The guy that was choking came out to see if I was OK, by which time I was in tears collapsed against the wall outside the restaurant. He came out to ask how I was doing, we went for a walk to try and calm me down. And I ended up telling him both reasons why I was so emotional at that point. He took it well, and was not totally surprised. He confirmed that people had noticed something about me, and that someone commented that they would not be surprised if I was gay.
This got me thinking... If people already think that I think I would rather they knew the truth - I don’t think it’s something I am going to do, but I guess it’s something to speak to my therapist about when I start (first session Thursday morning BTW - woohoo).
Oh well time for a skate whilst the weather is good I think.
Sunday, 30 May 2010
Shoes, dancing and problems with weight loss
Well the shoe shopping trip was sucessful, though I didn't get the ones that I went for. In the shop I asked Mrs Stace if she would wear the ones from yesterday, as they are her style as well (except maybe the heel). However, as she already has the same shoes in black she didn't think that she would. So I went for a different style instead. I just hope they don't look too old (though again Mrs Stace seems to think that the heels stop that). But I do like them I have to say...I tried them this morning with my new outfit and a brown semi formal jacket that I borrowed from Mrs Stace. As I now have a therapist I think I may, at some point, start to go dressed and this would be an idea outfit. We'll see what happens when the time comes. I also managed to get my eye makeup perfect for the first time today so I am on slight high from that. See if I cam manage it next time as well.
Last night was spent dancing for the last time of the school year. It's the third year, and we both struggled with how complex it got and just how many steps we had to learn and remember.
The ballroom was a disaster. Had the strictly judges been there Craig would have made the middle syllable last a year. We did one run through the English Waltz and then I forgot the steps. Totally... I couldn't remember a thing. The tango was OK, not great I thought, but OK. The quickstep (one of my favorite dances) was just a mess. The music they choose was just too slow and not a single couple was in step with the beat after a few seconds. During the break between ballroom and latin all the Silver* couples were complaining about it.
The latin was great. The rumba, cha cha and samba came together, I remembered the steps and we started to enjoy it. We finished on the Jive. My absolute favorite dance. The music was quite quick and we just got totally into it. We both had hugh grins throughout the dance and when we were finished the couples we always drink with during the break said that they couldn't take their eyes off of us due to the engery and enjoyment we were putting into it. That was wonderful to hear!
After a demonstration dance from the resident professionals (WOW!) we got our certificates. Actually scored quite well ballroom, and as expected for latin - average of 8 for all 7 dances. All in all an enjoyable night :)
There was an issue before we went though. Mrs Stace brought a fantastic dress for the night and I wanted to match. Seeing as I've lost weight I thought my black suit would be perfect. I was wrong. Whilst the trousers now fit OK (fine on the but, loose on the waist) the jacket was a joke. We both thought that I looked like a kid trying on his dad's clothes.
I have another suit, but that was also not great (better, so that's the one I wore). Again it fitted on the but, but there are inches spare on the waist, and the fitted jacket just isn't anymore. Then I pinched it in. Woohoo for the shape left, but not for a blokes jacket... That was not a problem I was expecting to have... It takes me back to being a teenager when I wore 501w's until they stopped making them as they fitted better than the standard 501's. Kind of the same issue Keli has... But womens jeans these days are a little more obvious than back then so I have to go searching for something different...
Saturday, 29 May 2010
Damn, just when it was going well!
The last two weeks have been great. I've been getting on with stuff, both project management stuff and getting my hands dirty in code again. I'd say I was back to 90% of where I used to be and was enjoying my job again catching up on the things I let lapse during the last 6 months.
Then Thursday and Friday seemed to undo that somewhat. My phone has not stopped ringing, and during 1 60min meeting I missed 20 emails. I just can't cope with that it seems - my concentration gets destroyed and I sit staring at the screen again. Hopefully next week I can get into it again.
That set the tone for yesterday.
I had two conversations where someone started talking about personality types. And twice I was called a girl. One time, and I know it was not meant in a nasty way, I was asked when I was starting hormones. It was with someone who I get along with well, and we enjoy winding each other up - and neither of us takes it serious. But I just could not answer that. I had no witty comeback that I could use. I had to go for the lame smile and saying haha. Christ, it cut deep. I'm sitting here tearfully just writing it up.
Then I went out with some ex-colleagues in Amsterdam and again personality questions came up again. I was the only one who answered differently, and got back - that's a girls response. No hormone question this time. But to hear that when you are in a GD dip and not be able to give the answer you want to was almost as bad as the hormone question.
We are all geeks (me the least actually) and the talks went to blogs. And talking about linking to each others. I had to work so hard to stop myself saying anything. Again just sitting in the corner saying nothing and fading into the background. It was an enjoyable night, but it was bloddy hard as well.
It's not all bad though. I managed to get a couple of important things organised this week.
I have an intake with a therapist. Got the number from the VU and called. He only takes people from the VU and a trans self help group in Amsterdam so I could get an appointment quickly. Still a week and a half away, but I'm looking forward to starting (it doesn't scare me like the VU - maybe because this is getting my head in order and more than something that may significantly change my life).
Secondly... I have an appointment to talk to my brother. I loved his reaction to me making the appointment with him. "I need to talk to you" "Why?" "Because I do" "OK mate". He is quite happy go lucky in some things. Just hope he still is after I've told him.
And finally... Something happy to end on... More shopping today. We are off to do the shoe shopping that should have been done last week. I just hope they have the shoes in stock!
Then Thursday and Friday seemed to undo that somewhat. My phone has not stopped ringing, and during 1 60min meeting I missed 20 emails. I just can't cope with that it seems - my concentration gets destroyed and I sit staring at the screen again. Hopefully next week I can get into it again.
That set the tone for yesterday.
I had two conversations where someone started talking about personality types. And twice I was called a girl. One time, and I know it was not meant in a nasty way, I was asked when I was starting hormones. It was with someone who I get along with well, and we enjoy winding each other up - and neither of us takes it serious. But I just could not answer that. I had no witty comeback that I could use. I had to go for the lame smile and saying haha. Christ, it cut deep. I'm sitting here tearfully just writing it up.
Then I went out with some ex-colleagues in Amsterdam and again personality questions came up again. I was the only one who answered differently, and got back - that's a girls response. No hormone question this time. But to hear that when you are in a GD dip and not be able to give the answer you want to was almost as bad as the hormone question.
We are all geeks (me the least actually) and the talks went to blogs. And talking about linking to each others. I had to work so hard to stop myself saying anything. Again just sitting in the corner saying nothing and fading into the background. It was an enjoyable night, but it was bloddy hard as well.
It's not all bad though. I managed to get a couple of important things organised this week.
I have an intake with a therapist. Got the number from the VU and called. He only takes people from the VU and a trans self help group in Amsterdam so I could get an appointment quickly. Still a week and a half away, but I'm looking forward to starting (it doesn't scare me like the VU - maybe because this is getting my head in order and more than something that may significantly change my life).
Secondly... I have an appointment to talk to my brother. I loved his reaction to me making the appointment with him. "I need to talk to you" "Why?" "Because I do" "OK mate". He is quite happy go lucky in some things. Just hope he still is after I've told him.
And finally... Something happy to end on... More shopping today. We are off to do the shoe shopping that should have been done last week. I just hope they have the shoes in stock!
Friday, 28 May 2010
Time and shallowness...
Over the last two weeks I have really got back into the swing of things in the office. I started to keep an excel sheet for persoanl time management and you know what - it helps. I can focus better than previous weeks and at the end of the day I can look back and see what I have done and feel some sense of acheivement.
And the shallowness?
The downside is that my time online has gone down by about 90% as it used to be my escape when my head was completely lost. So if I haven't been commenting, or answering mails as quickly as normal I would like to appologise (though my boss is happier ;-p)
And the shallowness?I just got a package from H&M that I have been waiting for (for over a month). A new skirt and top that I couldn't find in their bricks and mortor store locally...
I'm over the moon with the clothes, Mrs Stace a little less so. Apart from the obvious reason why, the skirt is a EU38 (US8 on the label and according to the size conversion chart a UK10). And It's a little loose. Top's an 'M' and is just about right (a little loose but not too much)... Mrs Stace does not think that is fair...
I saw a friend for the first time in a while yesterday, he's the first person to comment that I had lost weight since the start of the year. I was about jumping for joy that someone had noticed (I was beginning to think that it was impossible to tell!)
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
Sunny days!
It's been an interesting weekend (Holland had a bank holiday so it was back to work this morning).
We were supposed to be shoe shopping (using a voucher that Mrs Stace got with a pair of shoes she brought a few weeks ago). That never happened as what I thought was the end date for the voucher was in fact the start date. Something to look forward to next week.
Instead we went office shopping to make working from home more comfortable for Mrs Stace. One monitor, wireless keyboard / mouse combo and very nice office chair later she has an office that is nicer than where she works.
I have to ask though. Has anyone ever seen the mythical creature that is believed to have the special power of cuying what they need from Ikea? We went in for a chair and left with a chair, two ergonomic pillows with covers, three oven dishes and a teapot.
Sunday was cleaning day. Woohoo (but we have a nice living room again).
Yesterday we went to a castle for the day, it was my father in laws birthday and so we were treating. Sun, warmth (too much really, but better than too cold) and the whole family together was nice. Nice joke with my sister in law as well. She was discussing why there is a queue outside the ladies, but not them men. After a long discussion she asked her husband 'do you have any idea of the layers under a womans outfit?' 'Yes' I replied sheepishly. She cracked up.
Then called my folks again last night. For the first time since speaking to my dad in the new year we had a discussion about how I was doing, going into detail. It was really nice to be able to open up to him - and nice to know that he can open up back.
We were supposed to be shoe shopping (using a voucher that Mrs Stace got with a pair of shoes she brought a few weeks ago). That never happened as what I thought was the end date for the voucher was in fact the start date. Something to look forward to next week.
Instead we went office shopping to make working from home more comfortable for Mrs Stace. One monitor, wireless keyboard / mouse combo and very nice office chair later she has an office that is nicer than where she works.
I have to ask though. Has anyone ever seen the mythical creature that is believed to have the special power of cuying what they need from Ikea? We went in for a chair and left with a chair, two ergonomic pillows with covers, three oven dishes and a teapot.
Sunday was cleaning day. Woohoo (but we have a nice living room again).
Yesterday we went to a castle for the day, it was my father in laws birthday and so we were treating. Sun, warmth (too much really, but better than too cold) and the whole family together was nice. Nice joke with my sister in law as well. She was discussing why there is a queue outside the ladies, but not them men. After a long discussion she asked her husband 'do you have any idea of the layers under a womans outfit?' 'Yes' I replied sheepishly. She cracked up.
Then called my folks again last night. For the first time since speaking to my dad in the new year we had a discussion about how I was doing, going into detail. It was really nice to be able to open up to him - and nice to know that he can open up back.
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Catching up
Well after the shock that was my reaction to getting on the VU's waiting list yesterday I am doing better today. I've calmed down, and as Mr Stace has pointed out it's not something unexpected, nor unwanted. I guess I now need time to reflect and think.
I still have to call the therapist who's number I got from the VU. I actually tried calling, but the number sems to be wrong. I have to call the VU again to confirm the number.
Things are still on the up. I'm back to 90% at work (Friday excepted) and it has been noted by my boss that I'm getting back to full strength. For the first time in a while I can look back on the weeks work and be happy with what I have acheived. I have too much to do, and have a lot to catch up on, but with a little time management and prioritising of open tasks I should cope.
And finally... A week after getting the epilator I have to say I am very impressed. There are still a few stragglers that I haven't caught yet. But whereas I always have to shave on a weekly basis, I still have no regrowth after one week. Woohoo :)
Time for my Saturday skate. Busy day today - MotoGP in France so I want to see qualifying, shoe shopping and tonight is the last practice for the final dance of the year where we get marked.
Have a good weekend all.
I still have to call the therapist who's number I got from the VU. I actually tried calling, but the number sems to be wrong. I have to call the VU again to confirm the number.
Things are still on the up. I'm back to 90% at work (Friday excepted) and it has been noted by my boss that I'm getting back to full strength. For the first time in a while I can look back on the weeks work and be happy with what I have acheived. I have too much to do, and have a lot to catch up on, but with a little time management and prioritising of open tasks I should cope.
And finally... A week after getting the epilator I have to say I am very impressed. There are still a few stragglers that I haven't caught yet. But whereas I always have to shave on a weekly basis, I still have no regrowth after one week. Woohoo :)
Time for my Saturday skate. Busy day today - MotoGP in France so I want to see qualifying, shoe shopping and tonight is the last practice for the final dance of the year where we get marked.
Have a good weekend all.
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