I just called the VU. They had their monthly group discussion yesterday and decided that I should go forward to the diagnostic phase.
The waiting list is still 9 months, but they hope to be able to make it shorter.
I'm currently a bit of a wreck - I wasn't expecting the news to affect me this much, in fact I was just expecting it to be a simple call. Guess I was wrong. Still a little naïve about how I react to things I guess. You'd think at 33 I'd be past that.
Time to pick up the courage to call the therapist in Amsterdam...
Friday, 21 May 2010
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Honey Honey
Today is one of those days where I feel I have reverse flu.
I woke up at 4:55 and couldn't get back to sleep again, the alarm went off at 5:40 and I then fell couldn't wake up.
Got downstairs and found a jar of honey had leaked into the kitchen drawer and had to clean everything off (using cold water as Mrs Stace was in the shower at the time).
Was late because of all of that and had to forgo the second coffee that I normally have in the morning.
And yet... I feel great this morning!
Long may it last :)
I woke up at 4:55 and couldn't get back to sleep again, the alarm went off at 5:40 and I then fell couldn't wake up.
Got downstairs and found a jar of honey had leaked into the kitchen drawer and had to clean everything off (using cold water as Mrs Stace was in the shower at the time).
Was late because of all of that and had to forgo the second coffee that I normally have in the morning.
And yet... I feel great this morning!
Long may it last :)
Monday, 17 May 2010
Ow, ow, owowowowowowow! PAIN!
My birthday isn't for a while yet, but seeing as Amazon had an offer on, and I didn't feel like using a couple of months of guarantee waiting, I used used my parents present over the weekend.
Ow.
Unpacked it, threw half of it in the freezer and read the instructions as much as I ever do.
Pain.
Then I went upstairs, plugged it in, put the ice pack on the back and for the first time in my life epilated my legs.
Initially it was not too bad. Then after a few minutes it really was. Over the course of the long weekend (well it was here anyway) I had three attempts. My legs are now (almost) hair free. And red. Please tell me it gets easier over time :)
On the bright side they are hair free. Not stubble free with still visible hair, but hair free. Happy happy joy joy.
Now for the arms...
Ow.
Stace :)
Oh yes... Mrs Stace had a wonderful grin on her face when I said how painful it was and said simply 'Told you'
Ow.
Unpacked it, threw half of it in the freezer and read the instructions as much as I ever do.
Pain.
Then I went upstairs, plugged it in, put the ice pack on the back and for the first time in my life epilated my legs.
Initially it was not too bad. Then after a few minutes it really was. Over the course of the long weekend (well it was here anyway) I had three attempts. My legs are now (almost) hair free. And red. Please tell me it gets easier over time :)
On the bright side they are hair free. Not stubble free with still visible hair, but hair free. Happy happy joy joy.
Now for the arms...
Ow.
Stace :)
Oh yes... Mrs Stace had a wonderful grin on her face when I said how painful it was and said simply 'Told you'
Friday, 14 May 2010
Acceptance
Just a quickie today about something that strikes me as odd. I've gone over bits of it before, but there is new input now.
I don't normally go into Mrs Stace's therapy. She tells me what she wants to tell me, and I won't blog about it as that is her personal business not mine.
But...
Her therapist came up with something this week that I found interesting. I've said before that I always thought I accepted that I was trans. I tried to ignore it certainly, but I always thought that I accepted it.
Her therapist seems to think that this isn't the case. I said after Tuesday at the VU that it got scary as each step makes it more real to me. Mrs Stace does not have this problem. Her husband sitting there dressed and made up kind of makes it real enough for her.
Her therapist says that points to me not accepting it (or rather that she has accepted it better than I have at present), which thinking about it makes sense. What does that mean for me? That I have simply acknowledged it? That I am simply terrified for the future and what may lie there?
It also gives me another question. If I have simply acknowledged it how do you move from that to aceptance?
I have to get the courage to call the therapist in Amsterdam at some point today. It was a bank holiday yesterday, and both Mrs Stace and I have taken a bridging day to give us a long weekend. That gives me enough time to call the guy and get something arranged.
We'll see how it goes...
Right now it's too early to call and the sun is shining for the first time this week so I'm going for a skate.
I don't normally go into Mrs Stace's therapy. She tells me what she wants to tell me, and I won't blog about it as that is her personal business not mine.
But...
Her therapist came up with something this week that I found interesting. I've said before that I always thought I accepted that I was trans. I tried to ignore it certainly, but I always thought that I accepted it.
Her therapist seems to think that this isn't the case. I said after Tuesday at the VU that it got scary as each step makes it more real to me. Mrs Stace does not have this problem. Her husband sitting there dressed and made up kind of makes it real enough for her.
Her therapist says that points to me not accepting it (or rather that she has accepted it better than I have at present), which thinking about it makes sense. What does that mean for me? That I have simply acknowledged it? That I am simply terrified for the future and what may lie there?
It also gives me another question. If I have simply acknowledged it how do you move from that to aceptance?
I have to get the courage to call the therapist in Amsterdam at some point today. It was a bank holiday yesterday, and both Mrs Stace and I have taken a bridging day to give us a long weekend. That gives me enough time to call the guy and get something arranged.
We'll see how it goes...
Right now it's too early to call and the sun is shining for the first time this week so I'm going for a skate.
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Back from the VU, and so very, very tired
Well I'm back. The intake appointment has been had and medium term future a little more visible.
I got there a little early, the hospital is a bit of a walk from the train station, and it's thorugh a new office landscape. Kind of feels a little Manhattenish (at least in my head). All high rise office blocks in glass and steel, very nicely done, even with a little brownstone office in the middle. But with the lack of sun caused by the buildings it's damn cold :)
They started early when I got there. Two questionaires to fill out, first a medical history, the second was a more intimate psycological questionaire, that went to varying levels. And brought up a number of memories that I would rather keep locked away.
My Dutch failed me a number of times, but I managed to work out what most of the questions were asking, and I have to say that having to keep working at the language actually helped keep me a little calm.
After that a little wait before sitting with the psycologist and answering questions about life so far, and why I was at the VU. I explained that I didn't know where I needed to go for the future - that in a perfect world I would transition tomorrow. But this world is far from perfect, and there is so much to think about.
We talked for an hour, I answered the questions I could. It was difficult and a little emotional - she did explain that given the subject matter it was difficult to explain your feelings and not to worry as I was doing well. It didn't feel it at times :)
At the end she said that she thought I should definately go forward to the disagnistics phase, for multiple reasons. I have to call back later in the month (after they have had the monthly group discussion) to see if I am on the waiting list (I am not sure what happens if thy do not put me on the waiting list... The questions you think off when it's too late).
She also gave me the number of a therapist that works with the gender team (though not part of the team) to help get my head in order before starting the diagnistic phase. She explained that the phase is relatively short, and it's not a bad idea to start to get your head in order.
They took my picture (ug) for the files and I was on my way again. I feel better for knowling a little more about what the future should bring (in the short term at least). Now I'm home I'm tired, drained and need sleep.
I got there a little early, the hospital is a bit of a walk from the train station, and it's thorugh a new office landscape. Kind of feels a little Manhattenish (at least in my head). All high rise office blocks in glass and steel, very nicely done, even with a little brownstone office in the middle. But with the lack of sun caused by the buildings it's damn cold :)
They started early when I got there. Two questionaires to fill out, first a medical history, the second was a more intimate psycological questionaire, that went to varying levels. And brought up a number of memories that I would rather keep locked away.
My Dutch failed me a number of times, but I managed to work out what most of the questions were asking, and I have to say that having to keep working at the language actually helped keep me a little calm.
After that a little wait before sitting with the psycologist and answering questions about life so far, and why I was at the VU. I explained that I didn't know where I needed to go for the future - that in a perfect world I would transition tomorrow. But this world is far from perfect, and there is so much to think about.
We talked for an hour, I answered the questions I could. It was difficult and a little emotional - she did explain that given the subject matter it was difficult to explain your feelings and not to worry as I was doing well. It didn't feel it at times :)
At the end she said that she thought I should definately go forward to the disagnistics phase, for multiple reasons. I have to call back later in the month (after they have had the monthly group discussion) to see if I am on the waiting list (I am not sure what happens if thy do not put me on the waiting list... The questions you think off when it's too late).
She also gave me the number of a therapist that works with the gender team (though not part of the team) to help get my head in order before starting the diagnistic phase. She explained that the phase is relatively short, and it's not a bad idea to start to get your head in order.
They took my picture (ug) for the files and I was on my way again. I feel better for knowling a little more about what the future should bring (in the short term at least). Now I'm home I'm tired, drained and need sleep.
Monday, 10 May 2010
Takes an age, then is really, really quick...
Just a quick post today... I just got a call from the VU Gender Team.
After waiting since December for an intake appointment I have finally got one.
For tomorrow morning at 10am!
I'm sitting here slightly scared at the moment...
Stace
After waiting since December for an intake appointment I have finally got one.
For tomorrow morning at 10am!
I'm sitting here slightly scared at the moment...
Stace
Saturday, 8 May 2010
Where is the year going?
Another week gone, another looking back and thinking where on earth did the time go...
For the first time this year I actually managed to get my head into gear and take the camera out. Considering what I have spent on it over the years it's a woefully underused peice of kit - but I have just not had the 'umph' to get out there and take shots. That changed on Wednesday evening. I was going stir crazy, Mrs Stace was ill sleeping on the sofa and the sun was shining. I took the camera to the lake near the house and spent an hour doing the 3km cirlce around it playing with verious shots.
Some worked, some failed miserably, some will make it onto my flickr page when I can be bothered to update it (just such a shame that I don't feel ready to link the male me of my Flickr page to the blog just yet...). But here are three of my favorites.
The last is supposed to have lens flare BTW - I was playing :)
A first for me was actually aproaching a complete stranger and asking if I could take some shots - a father and son were playing with radio controlled beach buggies and i managed to get a few action shots before they broke (a screw came of the steering servo). Here's the best of the action shots, taken at a very uncomfortable angle.
(For those interested the camera is an EOS 5D, with a Sigma EX DG 70-200mm f2.8 lens - for those not it's a neck breaking camera :p )
Actually getting the energy to go out there and do this has really meant something to me - I love photography, and I love playing with the camera. Not having the drive to do that this year has got to me somewhat - but I just could not get the energy to just take the camera out. Hopefully I can start doing more and more now I've started.
Politics
I have been watching the election with interest... And found that my views on politics have changed so much over the last 11 years since I left.
When I moved to Holland I thought the proportional representation was a little odd. Roll on 11 years and I think the first past the post is just plain wrong. Labour and Lib dem being so close in % of the vote, but so far away in terms of seats just shows how wrong it is.
But I am not sure how you could improve it in the UK. The idea of the Lib Dems just seems overly complex - I just don't see the electorate getting the idea behind it, and I think ranking politicians on a ballot paper is just plain odd.
I like the Dutch system, you have a list of MP's that you can vote for - but you are actually just voting for the party itself and not an MP. You get the amount of seats in parliment that you vote garners. 10% of the votes 10% of the seats. Yes this does mean that there is a much higher chance of a hung parliment - but coalitions here are second nature - yes the breakdown of coalitions have brought the goverment down 4 times in my time here (the best not lasting 100 days...) But it does seem to work *well enough*.
I don't see it working in the UK though. There is no local MP where I live. You vote for a nationwide MP, and I am not sure that would wash in the UK (not that local MP's reall do that much for their local constituancy from what I can tell...)
Travel
Holly crap! How much do train tickets cost in the UK!!! Just watching breakfast and they have shown a special on ticket prices, and companies chaning more trains to unregulated 'Peak' services.
Manchester to London retrun (from what I can tell +/- 400 miles round trip).
For comparison, my car is not fiel efficient - I picked it for comfort and power not fugality. On the motorway I get +/- 33MPG (if my conversion from 8.6l/100km is correct) which gives me +/- 11 gallons at a cost of +/- 60 GBP.
Previously the peak fair was 66 (already more than petrol, not sure what the parking charges are), it has more than quadrupled to over 260. 260!!! I can fly from Schiphol to almost any airport in the UK for that with 2 people! That means for me to take my petrol guzzelling car to London from Manchester I would have to pay more than 200GBP on parking just to break even with the train. If I traded in my T5 for something a little more frugal (like a 2.0d version of the V50) it would be even worse. Why do people still use the train in the UK?
To put that into perspective... Leeuwarden (in the north of the Netherlands) to Maastrict (in the south) about 200 miles and a return is 45 euros. No matter what time of day you travel, not matter howlong in advance you know you are going to be travelling. I can't drive the distance for that amoutn of money hence the train suddenly becomes attrative. They do have discount tickets over here - and yes they can only be used off peak (after 9am) - at which point it's 27 euros.
Sorry a bit of a rant there - but I just don't get trains in the UK!
Have a good weekend all - I'm going for a run now :)
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